Life’S Lessons: Illegitimi Non Carborundum: Don’T Let the Bastards Wear You Down

LIFE’S LESSONS

ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM:

DON’T LET THE BASTARDS WEAR YOU DOWN

DR. DAVID NOZICK

iUniverse, Inc.

Bloomington

LIFE’S LESSONS

Illegitimi Non Carborundum: Don’t Let the Bastards Wear You Down

Copyright © 2012 by Dr. David Nozick.

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-1438-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-1440-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-1439-9 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012907269

iUniverse rev. date: 05/15/2012

CONTENTS

DEDICATION

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

THE END IS A BEGINNING

CHAPTER 2

LIFE IN A SMALL BOX

CHAPTER 3

FALSE HAPPINESS

CHAPTER 4

GO WEST YOUNG MAN

CHAPTER 5

INTO THE ABYSS

CHAPTER 6

THE DEEPER THE SORROW

THE MORE JOY YOU CAN CONTAIN

CHAPTER 7

THE BEGINNING OF HEALING—

NOT TO HAVE PAIN IS NOT TO BE HUMAN

CHAPTER 8

SINGLE AGAIN

CHAPTER 9

MY THREE SONS

CHAPTER 10

A NEW SOCIAL REALITY

CHAPTER 11

IT’S OVER!

CHAPTER 12

WOW!

CHAPTER 13

WITH ARNIE IN ITALY

CHAPTER 14

TRAVELS WITH FAMILY

CHAPTER 15

IN THE HOLY LAND

CHAPTER 16

WRITING

CHAPTER 17

MENTORS I HAVE KNOWN

CHAPTER 18

THE REAL HEROES

CHAPTER 19

VOLUNTEERING

CHAPTER 20

MY ROLE AS A STUDENT

CHAPTER 21

MY PROFESSIONAL JOURNEY

CHAPTER 22

A HEART PATIENT I AM

CHAPTER 23

LESSONS LEARNED

CHAPTER 24

REFLECTIONS ON BEING 65

DEDICATION

This manuscript is dedicated to my parents, Roy and Mary Levi Nozick, who gave me the values of compassion, care for my fellow man and having personal responsibility to make a difference in the world. To my five children, all free spirits who move to their own beats, live exemplary lives and hopefully are aware of my boundless love for them.

To my five blessings, my grandchildren, who make Zaidi’s life more meaningful and to whom the baton is about to be passed to make this a better world.

To my friends and family, who have been there for me through this adventurous and sometimes difficult journey called life, I thank for support and love.

To Mo, my mentor who taught me the real lessons of life, who took me under his wings and started me down the rich and fulfilling road of Clinical Psychology, I thank him from the bottom of my heart knowing that somewhere up there he has a protégée under his wings.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book outlines a chain of events that occurred in my life. Others may disagree on its interpretation. However, limited by my memory, I have tried to be true to the facts. Any error or omission is solely my responsibility. The names of clients and some professional associates have been altered to maintain confidentiality.

Gail, Sarah, Lynn, Stanley, Josseline, who shared in the manuscript, I thank for patience and understanding. For the many phone calls, the reading and re-reading of the manuscript, the countless hours of support and encouragement, I truly appreciate each one of you.

My daughters-in-law, Nicole and Michelle, who with love and sensitivity supported this work, I thank for their professionalism and, more importantly, for being the foundation for my sons, Jason and Daniel, and my grandchildren. I also want to thank my sons Jason, Greg and Daniel for allowing me the privilege of being their father and, despite my fall from grace, who understood and forgave my transgressions and welcomed me back into their lives.

I thank my siblings, Stanley and Jo-Anne, who despite our dysfunctional family have been there for me with love, legal and editorial advice when I chose to open our family secrets to the world.

Jeanne, who has been a lifetime friend and colleague, I thank for her comments, support and more importantly for being there for me as I navigated various ports in the world.

I thank Sue Jennings, whose seminar and courage to tell her story inspired and motivated me to do likewise. Her insightful comments, criticism and critique made this a better book.

Michael, my teacher, thank you for helping me overcome my deficiencies in basic English grammar, spelling and in use of The Canadian Press Stylebook writing guide. Your advice and support made this book a reality.

I thank my friend Lou, who helped design the front cover and whose friendship means a lot to me.

To my new friend Bill Fairbairn, whose journalistic and editorial expertise added to the manuscript in so many ways, I thank for his support and professionalism.

INTRODUCTION

T. S. ELIOT’S LITTLE GIDDING

FROM THE FOUR QUARTETS

"What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from . . .

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time."

No life is perfect. Life consists of challenges and struggles that define identity and purpose. The purpose of this book is to educate others in the art of survival and in being true to their core identity. My story is about a chain of events I was helpless to stop when I temporarily lost contact with myself.

Without doubt I experienced many failures in life—not the least the breakdown of my marriage—but I always attempted to learn from my mistakes and become a better person.

The only certain outcome of life is death. Along the way there are countless opportunities for growth and enlightenment. With the end closer to the beginning come certain wisdom and the realization that life is precious and meaningful and that it is important to live one moment and one step at a time.

If I have learned anything it is to realize that despite many external demands a rewarding and successful life is achieved when one is faithful to one’s values, dreams and goals.

In the words of my mentor Mo: ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM—Don’t Let the Bastards Wear You Down.

CHAPTER 1

THE END IS A BEGINNING

OCTOBER 15, 1987

With pain and sadness I leave my four-bedroom, two-storey brick home in an exclusive enclave.

Here I am, a forty-two year-old caring father of three teenage sons and by profession a clinical psychologist, drifting away like an empty vessel. I am rudderless and guilty after telling my best friend, confidante, lover and wife that I cheated on her. Anger_ of a magnitude neither of us had ever experienced_ poured forth from both our torn hearts. There is no way to stop the haemorrhaging. I stagger out of a home that took a lifetime to build and seconds to destroy.

I am now a small ship in an ocean without docket or port of call. What am I to do? How has my life deteriorated to such an extent?

As I leave home the setting sun radiates a soft, tranquil pink hue that contrasts with my pain and sadness. As I enter my grey battered station wagon with ripped seats and broken passenger door handle I turn the key and leave behind the world I have known. How did this happen?

I drive slowly and aimlessly measuring my next move. I take a mental inventory of many token friends, limited financial resources and no family harbour in the storm. I feel paralysed with fear and for the first time in my life totally alone.

I enter a far too brightly lit and well-known coffee house and order my usual extra large with milk. This normal daily ordering of coffee seems strange and out of step with the rhythm of my life. I look around and see some couples and note an elderly man with furrowed brow sitting alone in deep thought. I wonder if I will be like him in a couple of years.

I try to think clearly and stop my hands from shaking but there is no relief from my pain and sorrow. I decide to go to the only place I can think of. As I open the door to my office, I switch the lights on, climb the long wooden stairs and am startled by the hollow sound of my feet hitting the hardwood floor. Just the previous week I had decided to enter private practice as a clinical psychologist. Little did I know that the office I rented would soon become my sanctuary.

As I open the interior door, illuminated by a full moon, I feel strange and alone in this building where I had seen my last client only four short hours ago. I find the couch in my office and lie down. But rest and tranquility elude me.

As I try to sleep I feel helpless, inadequate and stripped of all pretences that had clothed my self-image. I am truly a lost soul.

As I lie awake I think back to the events that led to this despair.

Who am I? And how did I get here? What lessons in life did I neglect?

LIFE’S LESSON—Thought leads to feelings. Feelings lead to action. Think before you speak.

CHAPTER 2

LIFE IN A SMALL BOX

OCTOBER15,1957

As a boy growing up in the ethnic melting pot of North End Winnipeg I was naturally exposed to different cultures and activities that formed my identity. A simple walk around any block in North End Winnipeg, circa 1950s, was to taste and smell the wonderful aroma of cultures from West and Eastern Europe. It was hard to hide a smile while telling anyone not from the Peg of a young Jewish teenager playing ice hockey for the Canadian Ukrainian Athletic Club on the frozen tundra of the prairies in the middle of a winter storm on Shabbos (Saturday, the traditional day of rest for Orthodox Jews).

While I played for the Ukrainian club my brother was a star centre for the Canadian Polish Athletic Club. Winnipeg in the 1950s was a geographically isolated and friendly town where community was a way of life. No thought was given to picking up a stranger at a bus stop in the middle of winter, driving him to his destination even if it was nowhere near where one was going. Similarly, kids would shovel their neighbour’s walk simply for the exercise.

My family lived in a modest four-bedroom home in the North End (not the rich South End). I shared a bedroom with my older brother, my princess sister having the