Cherries over Quicksand: Romance Secrets, Laughter, Wit & Timely Tales to Paradise

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: 1-800-839-8640

© 2011 Rhonda Ricardo, Rhonda Written, LLC. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 4/25/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4490-3317-0 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4490-3315-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4490-3316-3 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2009911408v

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

For my hilarious and talented family

AUTHOR’S NOTE

The names and some of the details have been changed.

PROLOGUE

I am poised and standing at a door expecting it to be opened for me, though no one is around. Unexpectedly, my fiancée’s friend happened to be walking by, stopped, and stared at me.

What are you doing? he asked as if he had caught me spraying my perfume under the dogs’ tail, or something equally outrageous. We both started to laugh.

Am I spoiled or what? I happily declared. After I came out of la-la dreamland and pulled my head out of my princess cloud, I realized that I had gone from rejected, stepped-on and the owner of an imaginary pity party hat for every occasion…to a diva with spitfire confidence. I opened the door myself and smiled because I could not remember the last time I did not have a man or a woman hold the door open for me. I didn’t start out expecting people to open doors for me, they just did, as though I had a door opening guardian angel cutting a path for me wherever I went. What had happened to the droopy-diaper postured woman who had embodied herself in my life during and after my divorce? Where was the torn ragged doll who had struggled with the heavy glass doors that would suction against her attempt to get into the building with no help in sight? I think she finally got it…and started living with the kind of joy that is found in a Broadway musical finale. How did that happen, anyway?

It began, I suppose, after listening to the lonely and often broken hearts of so many divorced partners, who poured out their pain to me when I worked in a family law firm. The irony was, that at the same time, I was going through my own divorce with twin teenage boys at home. I took calls for appointments from the crushed songbirds and the cheating potbellied pigs of the world, well…in my neck of the world. At first I was horrified by the recounted actions of the offending spouse, whether wife or husband. The spouses who called to make appointments for representation and told stories of crumbling gingerbread houses, always, at first-light, seemed to be the hero/heroine; the partner, however, once the other side of their world, was depicted as the butt-biting villain.

The types of incoming calls would be of this sort: A man with the voice and vocabulary of a prison garbage disposal would be in disbelief over his wife’s closed ears and legs (I could almost smell his un-brushed teeth over the phone). Or a woman would complain that her husband was a self-centered idiot, but had difficulty remembering the ages of her children and, oh yeah, would she be able to keep the BMW?

After taking hundreds of, ‘How could he/she?’ pending divorce messages, the mysteries behind the opposition’s unjust behavior gradually began to unfold. The questions from the rejected party most often had a distinct smell. I thought of it as the, Why did the skunk spray me when I poked him with a stick? smell. Could it be that people actually spray themselves in the eye? Most of the fighting couples I encountered while working at law firms never reconciled. Nonetheless, I would soon be in for a big surprise.

Years later, when I had become a writer/columnist, I decided to use my reporting skills to find answers to the questions that had been cried into my ear by so many dueling divorcees. I set out to ask a few questions to a hand full of men, and ended up with over one hundred stories (a few from women, but the vast majority from men) that pinpointed reasons a relationship either ended, or surprisingly, had been rekindled. These conversations were much different than the ones with men in the throws of divorce, they had had time to think, and in many cases, miss their woman.

I found that many separated couples actually do get back together, though not necessarily for reasons I might have guessed. Many of the people who gave me their stories were extremely happy to do so, hoping perhaps that their shared insights may help others in similar situations. It was touching to witness, these seemingly ordinary people, so willing to throw on relationship superhero capes to help strangers, for whom, they would never meet.

The men I had conversations with were often so open and funny that I decided to add my commentary to each story regarding their general demeanor (and the size of their feet, kidding), to better help women perceive any personality traits that might match her own man.

I know that therapists are a useful resource when going through any disruptive life change, and I want to be clear that I am not a therapist, nor do I play one in this book. Rather, it is up to each reader to discern which woes and/or triumphs offered in these conversations most resonate to their own circumstances. It is also up to each reader to decide how, or even if, there are lessons or ideas that might be in any way useful or applicable. Or…maybe the readers could bring this book to their next therapy session.

Now that could be funny, and we don’t need a framed degree to know that laughter is one medicine that can help move various boulder-sized pressures from tired shoulders. At least share the cartoons. Hey, he/she might need a giggle too.

For those of you just looking for a great read, you will find this book simply provides light, funny examples of relationship characters and quirks. So get comfy, grab a latte…then get comfy again and let the adventure begin!

Contents

INTRODUCTION

SHE CHOSE CHERRIES OVER QUICKSAND

SOAPY COFFEE AFTER A ONE-NIGHT STAND

DENIAL MAN

HE WANTS HER BACK

LOVE ON A PEDESTAL I

LOVE ON A PEDESTAL II

COCKTAIL PICKLE HOUR

STOPPING HIM IN HIS TRACKS

I’M NOT WET, STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME

COME IN AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF

BABY TRAPS I

INSPIRING HINTS AND INSIGHTS CHART

THE RECALL ON BABY TRAPS

BABY TRAPS II

STATIC CLING I

STATIC CLING II

WOMAN ON TOP

SITTING PRETTY

THE GREEN-EYED DETECTIVE

FIRST LOVE RETURNS

PHONE FLIRTING I

PHONE FLIRTING II

MAY HE TAKE YOUR ORDER PLEASE?

To LEAVE OR NOT TO LEAVE LIST

DINNER TALK

THREE HUMOROUS BABY TALK STORIES

NIPPLE TALK I

NIPPLE TALK II

NIPPLE TALK III

TOPIC CHAT:

THE HELPER

HE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HER

CRAZY: SOMETHING TO BE OR TO BE SAVED FROM?

MAN-CLUES

WHY CAN’T SHE STOP? I

WHY CAN’T SHE STOP? II

THE FACE BEHIND HIS MASK I

THE FACE BEHIND HIS MASK II

BEDTIME

COVERED BY MYSTERY

ENDEARMENTS

FROM THE MEN’S CORNER

SPINACH ON THE WALLS

NICE BUTT

UNQUESTIONS

THE PERFECT SALT ON FRENCH FRIES

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

WEBSITE LOVING AND THE POUNDS

HE IS ALL ABOUT HER NOW

THINGS HE MISSES ABOUT HER AFTER HE LEAVES LIST

HER TINY BEARD

WHERE DO I FIT IN?

BRAGGING RIGHTS

SHE SHINES

LUCKY MAN

PARENTS DIVIDED/UNITED I

PARENTS DIVIDED/UNITED II

THE PIECE OF PAPER-WOULD IT CHANGE THEIR RELATIONSHIP?

RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER AND HAVE FUN, PLEASE

THE DETECTIVE MISSED THE CLUES

WE SLEEP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Men Speak out: IGNITING HIS ROMANTIC FLAME LIST

WHAT’S THE PASSWORD?

A YUMMY SURPRISE!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!

BABY DUCK FACE

CRAZY BEAUTY

THE MIME, THE WIFE AND THE WAITRESS

KEEPER OF THE HEAD

STRENGTH AND SHINE CHART

WHERE DID IT GO?

MOVES NOT TO MISS

THE INVISIBLE OVER-ACHIEVER

NO TOUCHING

WHAT GOES AROUND MARRIES THE BEST FRIEND

SHE GETS IT

SHE PAINTS HIS WORLD

A MASTERS IN COMMUNICATION

THE WAY HE WANTS IT-FOR HER

GOOD ONE RIGHT HERE

AS LONG AS THE SEX IS GREAT

PICKET FENCES AND PINOCHLE

THE RECIPE

WHEN IS IT TIME TO MOVE ON?

A WOMAN WHO CAN NOT SEE HER OWN BEAUTY

A MAN WITH A MESSAGE

CAN YOU SEE AROUND HIS HEAD?

THE SIMPLER LIFE

CONCLUSION

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

NOTES

INTRODUCTION

Cherries Over Quicksand

Have you ever seen your man with a mysterious woman, found a phone number on a bar napkin in the clothes hamper, witnessed his transformation into a stuttering pre-pubescent schoolboy when a certain woman enters the room or heard innuendos about your man and his new secretary? Women around the world know the sudden empty pit in their stomach and the horror of being sucked into the rushing depths of doom when they find out their man wants out. Walking around in a daze and responding to questions like; Is your son playing basketball this season? with a zombie reply of; Baby lotion makes my hands soft. is quite normal after being shocked by a situation that you thought could only happen to other women or in the movies.

Being blindsided by this type of sudden dread can be all consuming. We need strength to handle these types of delicate situations, using the strong intelligence we had right up to the moment we found out that our man was seen sharing a cab with a beautiful chorus girl.

Most of the stories that are passed along in this book are from men who work through complex situations, real men…men like your husband, boyfriend, brother or friend. Men who loved and lived to learn (sometimes too late) about their women, but first I want to share a story that has a happy ending, because the woman simply took a moment to breathe and think before she acted. The story of Alex and June is one example of how a smart woman could have very easily allowed herself to give into the feeling of being sucked into treacherous quicksand, lose complete control of her emotions and make herself look like a crazy person. Thankfully June took a breath and remembered to keep her sweet disposition before she spoke to Alex.

The just-stun-gunned woman pulls through again with her relationship in tact, just as you will see in many of the stories retold and paraphrased for this book. I was impressed to hear what happens when smart women choose cherries (positive actions with a good attitude) over quicksand (focusing on her fearful feeling which is hard to shake when she thinks her man is going to leave or may have left forever) in so many different situations.

Since this book is full of stories that let you see-how-they-did-it, see if you recognize the worry, then the relief June’s heart experiences when she uses her sweet cherry disposition to narrowly escape the quicksand pit.

When you share these stories with friends who are having quicksand moments, watch them relate to the stories and lose that, ‘I’m the only one going through this’ attitude, relax, want to read more and maybe start smiling. I hope you enjoy meeting the people who shared their stories and insight. What kind of story will you be telling in your cherry-martini future? Cheers!

SHE CHOSE CHERRIES OVER QUICKSAND

June’s story –

Found fiancé on: I’m Available.oops!

After about two years of dating, Alex asked June to marry him and three months later they were happily planning their wedding. The busy couple lived about thirty miles apart and even though they had both been married before, June admitted they acted like teenagers when their phones rang.

One day when June was visiting her sister, Opal, they decided to go online to check for any new dating correspondence. Opal was a cutie and wanted to find a man as her sister had, but, alas, there were no new inquires from single men in her area.

June suggested searching Alex’s zip code on the dating site, just as they heard a knock at the door. Opal went to answer the door while June continued the search.

Within seconds, June’s fiancé’s smiling picture with an online dating profile shot onto the computer screen, front and center.

I could not breathe, said June. I actually fell to my knees on the carpet and just sat there moving up and down like a haywire accordion. My stomach suddenly felt like I had eaten bad tuna on lard, she said, with her hands on her tummy. But I knew that all I had eaten that morning was toast. It had taken me less than a minute to become a complete mess and that’s not like me.

June shook her bewildered head, as though she did not want to relive the feeling.

After I cancelled the search and caught my breath, I stood up and thought about it for a few minutes. I knew it had to be a mistake, she reflected.

June said that as she relaxed, she remembered that Alex had done some online dating a few months before they met. She decided to call Alex, as she polished off a mini chocolate bar for strength, to tell him about his online singles wanted poster.

Alex was speechless at first. When he started talking, all of his words ended in an ‘a’ like; Iya don’ta knowa…, said June, imitating Alex’s stunned explanation that sounded like bad Pig Latin. I knew he was as baffled as I was…poor guy.

Alex gave June his password to his old dating site without her asking for it, and then asked her to log-on to see if there had been any activity. She wrote down the password, but never checked the site.

I’m so glad I took a minute to think before I called him, said June.

The next day at Alex’s house, he told her that he had sent a request to remove his profile. He asked June to sit next to him, then logged back onto the dating site to make sure his profile had been canceled.

Boom! His face was still there, still looking back at them. He was bewildered and angry at the same time. June said she could see that there had been no activity on the site. He sent another e-mail, repeating that he should have been taken off, months ago. They finally sent a response indicating that he had, finally been removed from their site. He seemed more relieved than she was, even though she had told him that she knew it was all a mistake. He was all hers again, and off of that dang computer screen, as June called it.

June was glad that she:

• Did not faint

• Did not call him and freak out in his ear

• Had chocolate near by

• Trusted her man (Although seeing no activity on his dating site made him a little more handsome in her eyes.)

• Chose Cherries over Quicksand

CHERRY PICKIN’

What if June’s wonderful man had actually turned out to be a snake in hero’s clothing? Could she have simply downloaded a great photo of herself, made her own dating profile and moved on with the poise of a red-carpet celebrity in a curve-hugging Valentino gown?

She admitted that while that sounded good, it would not have been nearly that easy. At the very least, there would probably be chocolate cry-a-thons and sappy movie nights first.

While I think that is a viable reaction, some of the stories men told me indicated that the cry-a-thons should never reach their ears (unless she wants to run him out of town), because men have shared that crying/begging scenes make a woman anything but desirable. Men describe listening to a whining woman with the same kind of anxiety they might feel when driving a convertible under a flock of seagulls; both would result in an urge to hit the accelerator and speed away, with their heads (and ears) covered. Reuniting with the whining woman would be like accepting a pity poop from that seagull. Women want him not to be able to live without his cherished Chéri (darling). He wants that too.

I’m glad Alex was not a snake. June is completely relieved and happy that she stopped to think, rather than do something impulsive that may have done damage to their