Bygone Chronicle: Once Upon a Time...

© 2010 Stanley J. Antonoff. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 12/13/2010

ISBN: 978-1-4520-8351-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4520-8352-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4520-8353-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010914828

Printed in the United States of America

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MY CHILDREN,

FAMILY, AND FRIENDS.

MY ENDLESS THANKS FOR ALL YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME.

MOST IMPORTANT, I THANK MY WIFE

WHO BROUGHT ME OUT OF THE

DARKNESS AND INTO THE LIGHT.

WHEN WE MET, LIFE BEGAN.

What lies behind us

and what lies before us

are tiny matters compared

to what lies within us.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

SOMETIMES I DON’T REMEMBER

BUT I NEVER FORGET.

The Author

SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH DWARFS

DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GIANT.

Yiddish Proverb

I AM AN AFTERTHOUGHT IN MANY MINDS -

BUT NEVER MY OWN.

The Author

Acknowledgments

In most books, those who assist and give succor to the author are acknowledged by mentioning their name and perhaps their contribution. However, because of my inadequacies with the English language, story telling, and accepting suggestions graciously, I choose not to embarrass those who have tried to assist me. Additionally, the names and specifics of my tales would touch so many still living that such a book might be actionable. Because I wish to protect the culpable, as far as it is in my power to do so, I do not use real names in the stories. Acknowledging counterfeit people serves no useful purpose. However, I thank my immediate family because, willingly or not, they are witnesses or actual perpetrators in many of the stories.

My sincerest appreciation and heartfelt gratitude to my dear friends David S., Ron G., and Walter L. for generously sharing their time reading this manuscript and putting up with my resistive nature. Because of their undeniable innocence, their real names deserve to be mentioned. Their thoughtful responses and inspired suggestions improved this book and helped its author to transcend his limitations.

How can I not acknowledge my editor extraordinaire? A wizard, his tireless assistance, compassion, and understanding of my inadequacies with language have definitely made this a better book. The accounts are mine. The proper uses of the English language and the word smithing is his. Ron C., thank you, thank you, thank you!

To everyone else associated with this book, both the guilty and those that profess innocence, I thank you from my bottom. I believe heart may be missing from the previous sentence, but not from the stories.

Things can always be found

where they were left

The Author

Contents

Preface

1. Love

2. Terrorism

3. Theory of relative-ity

4. The blackout

5. Sticks and stones

6. I c u

7. Midget

8. The seasons

Spring

Summer

Fall

Winter

9. Jake

10. Twofer

11. A signature tale

12. Another signature tale

13. The tale’s end

14. The Boat

15. The conclusion

16. Funny is not always fun

17. Tongue twister

18. The telephone

19. The Keys

20. Language arts

21. Maria

22. Amazing

23. Black and brown

24. Serendipity

25. Unintended consequence

26. The swimmer

27. Testing

28. Tikittu and daddy tu

29. Liza jane

30. Foreign language

31. Psychology

32. Very short stories

33. English lovers

34. Good night sweet princess

35. Last will and testament

Preface

Upon reflection, I am satisfied with my accomplishments. Many years of parenting, dentistry, teaching, and humanitarian efforts contributed to these achievements. As time passes, my short term memory becomes poorer yet my long term memory improves. Past situations constantly emerge from the corridors of my mind. I recall the funny episodes more frequently than the serious ones. However, events not memorialized in writing are often lost with the passage of time.

My childhood was filled with nightmarish exploits. Alleged sources witnessed my aggressive childhood and mischievous acts. They disclosed that I frequently fought with other kids and pushed doll carriages down stairs with children screaming. Baby sitters were not in vogue so my parents had no alternative, they had to take me along on their visits to friends and relatives. Since white shoes were stylish for small children, before a visit, my mother always applied an abundant fresh layer of polish to restore my shoe’s newness. It is claimed my aggressive conduct was exhibited on these occasions. Upon encountering someone wearing dark pants, I would intentionally and repeatedly kick them, leaving white, often non removable marks on the fabric. So it is alleged by unreliable others … but unsubstantiated by credible witnesses and no photographs exist to validate these charges.

But memory is not faultless. Increasing age often exaggerates the actuality while memories fade or are lost. This book is an attempt to preserve history through story telling so events are not lost in the mists of time. It is a tribute to memories. I take great pleasure in recounting history and gladly share these tales. It is an intriguing idea and vanity insists I write this book. Frequently, family stories are not written down and the curious must depend on second and third hand oral narratives. Since no man lives forever and dead men rise up never, only a written chronicle can preserve the past as it fades with time.

The tales in this book are funny, some serious, all are true, except those that are contrived. But the reader is wise and will know the value of these tales. Chapters 11 through 15 should be read in sequence.

Children and grandchildren have an energetic curiosity about the biographies of their family. It is important for them to know the nature, quality, history and values of the world of their parents and ancestors. This book is written for my children who play essential roles in many of these stories. But primarily, it is written for my grandchildren who I hope will come to know and touch me through these pages.

Hopefully, other readers will enjoy the stories.

 One

Love

Motherhood is the embodiment of love. My mother and I loved each other dearly but hers was a special love. She considered my earthly presence a wonder. In 1930, my mother gave birth to a child who only lived two days. At that time, the medical opinion was that mother would never be able to have another child. Despite the doctor’s prognosis, I was born three years later and became the miracle birth, henceforth to be considered special and treated accordingly. I could do no wrong. This feeling permeated the entire family, much to my benefit but to the chagrin of my brother who was born five years later. Unfortunately, in mother’s culture, second sons were not so special.

Mother, who was short in stature, stood a stately four feet ten inches tall. However, she was strong willed and big on determination. If my father was the head of the household, then mother was certainly his neck guiding him wherever she wanted to go. Within reason, she was able to get whatever she wanted from my father. He was a kind, softly spoken, hardworking gentlemen, who hated to refuse a request, no matter the source. Mother, on the other hand, was strong, dictatorial, irascible, and inflexible. In any confrontation, she was usually successful. Within the family there were feelings of reverence and fear of her simultaneously.

Mother was one year younger than her twin sister. That is what mother told everyone. It was not that one child was born before midnight of a new year and the other after midnight effectively giving each child a different birth year. My mother and her twin sister were both born on the same day. In fact, they were born within minutes of each other, in the same month. No matter the strength of the argument nor the person trying to convince her that this was impossible, mom would insist that there was a full year difference in their ages. Arguing with mother was impossible and a lose-lose situation. She was obstinate, intractable, and fully convinced that she was always right. Mother’s philosophy was that occasionally she might not be right but she was never wrong. The discussion about birth dates persisted for a considerable time until the family decided not to bring up the subject, thus allowing mom her belief that she was one year younger than her twin sister.

One day, my Aunt told my mother that she had just received her first social security check of a few hundred dollars. Discovering she had already met the two requirements for receiving a social security check namely, working the necessary number of years and reaching the age of sixty-five, mother demanded that my father do what was necessary to secure her deserved social security check. My mom had worked hard all of her life and had reached her sixty-fifth year: she had aged one full year in thirty seconds. Fortunately, mother had graduated from public school, a special feat in 1916. It took my father several months searching through the archival records of the Board of Education in Brooklyn to prove that, indeed, my mother was sixty-five years old. Finally, she began receiving her social security checks. Once again, peace and calm reigned in the household.

There are some who consider women the original terrorists. If this were true, my mother would be considered the Osama Ben Momma of her time. She frequently got her way because of this aggressive attitude. People did not want to be on her bad side. She terrorized our immediate and our extended family with her ideas and demands. For example, my teenage children were visiting my mom and dad in Florida. Dad intended to take the kids on a trip. Mother admonished my father not to come home if he lost the children. She meant it!

We lived in a big city. When I was ready for a bicycle, mother worried about me having an accident because she knew that I would ride the bike in the city streets with my friends. She finally allowed me to have a bicycle provided I promised to ride only on the side walk. How embarrassing? We lived in an apartment on the top floor of a four-story building and our windows faced the street. I knew she could spot me riding in the street so I had to go out of the neighborhood to ride in the gutter with my friends. Otherwise, my friends would call me a mamma’s boy. When I wanted to play varsity football for my high school, she refused permission because she thought it a violent game and didn’t want her miracle child to get hurt. It would be devastating for her. After appealing to my father for support, I received permission to play but she never went to a game. To say she was overprotective is an understatement. The difference between my mom and a Rottweiler is that a Rottweiler will eventually let go.

My mother was also paranoid. Even though we lived on the fourth floor of a walk-up apartment house, she was afraid that someone could somehow reach the roof and break into the apartment. Another concern was that entry into the apartment could be gained by using the fire escape. Because of this, the entrance door and all the windows were always double locked. Later, after my marriage and the arrival of my children, there were occasions that mom and dad would baby sit their grand children. One of the responsibilities of the older kids was to walk the family dog. As soon as they left the house, my mother would lock the door behind them. When the dog finished his business, the children had to ring the front door bell to get back into the house.

My father, though gentle and kind, was essentially the family enforcer. He worked long hours, at times never seeing daylight on a work day. If my brother and I misbehaved, mother would rat on us and tell my father. She would insist on punishment. We were never frightened when my father raised his hand to punish us but became terrified and ran when he brought his hand down. My father’s favorite weapon was his belt and punishment consisted of several good whacks. My brother and I discovered through experience that if we scrambled under my parents’ queen-sized bed it would be impossible for my father to use the belt. Father, smarter than his sons, soon discovered that a broom handle worked well in this situation. My brother and I thought it to be the witch’s broom. Guess whom we thought was the witch. Father, to us, was an overstuffed munchkin. There he was down on his knees poking under the bed with the end of the broom handle. My brother and I would move from side to side in a coordinated fashion trying to avoid the end of the broom. He’s coming on your side, no he’s coming on my side. Back and forth, side to side we would move. Occasionally, father would succeed and it would smart terribly. My parents had the axiom spare the broom and spoil the child. I always wondered about the punishment fitting the crime. Alas, I was not a legal expert.

Mother was extremely neat and meticulous. Our apartment was always immaculate. My brother and I were not allowed in the living room except if my parents had company. She would pick up our clothes wherever we left them. This became a puzzle later in my life; I could not understand why my wife would not pick up after me when I left clothes lying around our house. Mom loved hand ironing. She would iron my shirts, my undershirts, socks, and even my undershorts. My wife refused to follow this perfect example. Perhaps, she lacked that special love only a mother can give. After more than fifty years of marriage, with my wife putting up with all my shenanigans and idiosyncrasies, I am convinced she does love me because no one could be such a masochist unless they did truly love me.

Besides ironing, mom could do many things well. She could be controlling, commanding, and demanding. President John F. Kennedy once said, Forgive your enemies but never forget them. My mother’s philosophy was the same as that of actor James Cagney who declared in a movie about the Japanese in World War II, Forgive your enemies but first get even. My mother would not forgive or forget. If you offended or disagreed with her you were put on her special list forever.

What mother could not do was cook. She was so bad she often ruined boiling water. Her religion and cooking were always in accord - everything she made was either a sacrifice or a burnt offering. Her meats were always undercooked or overcooked. Fortunately, she had a husband who always had a ravenous appetite and two sons that were close seconds to their dad. Put it on the plate and it was gone no matter the taste. My father often said that there was no such thing as bad food, just some foods taste better than others. Mom would always tell us we had to eat everything on our plates because children were starving in Europe. I could never figure out the connection between finishing what was on my plate and the starvation in Europe. Was mother going to send any left over food to the kids in Europe? Still, if she were alive today, I am certain she would admonish me to eat all my food because kids are starving in Zimbabwe. I guess she would mail the left overs to Africa.

I hated spinach. My mother insisted I eat spinach and I rebelled at the idea. I knew eventually I would lose this fight. It was the Popeye generation and mom felt spinach would be healthy for me. One day, I was served dinner and potatoes were on the plate. The potatoes appeared to be infested with tiny green bugs. They weren’t moving and I asked what they were. Spinach mom replied, I chopped them into the potatoes. You WILL eat spinach. I have to admit they were quite tasty. No one ever accused mother of being stupid.

Mother was always interested in new recipes. She never gave up trying to improve her cooking skills. After all, her abilities could only go in one direction: up. Mom’s favorite recipe was for chocolate chip cookies. She often made them, taking them as gifts when she went to visit friends or relatives. The cookies, tasty because of the chocolate chips, always came out like rocks. If she could have made them uniformly round, I could have used them as skate wheels. Trying to bite into one of her cookies was like trying to bite into a ceramic floor tile. You were afraid to bite hard since you might break a tooth. Later, I discovered that dipping the cookie into a glass of milk or hot cocoa would soften them sufficiently to be chewable. I pitied my mother’s friends and relatives.

Not only was my mother a great cook and baker in her own eyes, she was also an expert in interior design. My wife and I bought our first home, a beautiful, sprawling ranch house, with three levels and thirty-seven hundred square feet of living space situated on three-quarters of an acre surrounded by Oak trees. At the time, used brick was in vogue. My wife, a brilliant interior decorator, had the fire place constructed of used brick. She also designed a used brick wall for the kitchen and a used brick rack between the kitchen and family room for the storage of wine bottles. It was unusual and beautiful with the different wines showing a spectrum of colors to the visitor sitting in the family room.

When my mother first visited our home, she inspected it carefully, frequently nodding but without comments. Fortunately, she had left her white gloves home. After finishing the tour, she told us the house was beautiful. She appeared sincere but wanted to know whether we used the old, dirty bricks to save money. To her the used bricks represented a dirty, unacceptable look. However, my wife and I thought the effect was beautiful: different generations, different viewpoints. Mom felt using old, dirty bricks was not the way to save money when decorating a house. She had similar notions about the many antique fixtures we had purchased. If she knew the cost of these antique fixtures, it would have driven her crazy. I never could understand her lack of respect for something old.

There were areas in which my mother developed wonderful expertise, especially baseball. The New York Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers played in the 1947 World Series. My brother and I were big sports enthusiasts. Mom felt she could get closer to her sons by learning all about baseball. My brother and I began her instruction during this world series and continued until she knew all the ins and outs (no pun intended) of baseball. The following season, the New York Giants were added to the instruction list mainly because they played in the Bronx and were rivals of the Yankees and Dodgers. As her interest in baseball increased, all three radios in our apartment were tuned to the three different teams at the same time and she listened intently. She learned the names of all the players, their wives, their children, and girlfriends. Mom knew the batting averages of every player, the best pitchers, and their pitching records. This tough little lady became a walking encyclopedia of baseball.

Years later, I met a young lady and I wanted my mother to meet her. My mother was very reluctant to meet any female that I brought