The Parents’ and Educators’ Manual of Teenage “Rebirth”: How to Prepare Teens for Victorious Transitions into Adolescence and Beyond

Copyright © 2012 by Bruce G. Bentley

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iUniverse rev. date: 10/11/2012

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Part 1.   THE DEATH OF CHILDHOOD AND THE BIRTH INTO ADOLESCENCE

1.   Adolescence: The Rite of Passage

2.   King of the Fakers

3.   A Bed Wetter’s Saga

Part 2.   COUGARVILLE SCHOOL

4.   Cougarville School

5.   Rafael: A Journey into the Dark Labyrinthine Underworld of Adolescence

6.   The Rebirth of Charles

7.   Kurt and the Internal Monster

8.   Marcus and the Invisible Beast

9.   The Heroic Journey of Ebenezer Scrooge to Purge the Wounds of Christmas Past

10.   The Tragic Losses of Liza and John

Part 3.   INTERNAL REVOLUTION

11.   Internal Revolution Tactic 1: The Power of the Word—Reading

12.   Internal Revolution Tactic 2: A Sacred Place

13.   Internal Revolution Tactic 3: Ejection of the False Image Within

14.   Internal Revolution Tactic 4: Awareness of the Death Instinct

Part 4.   SELF-ANALYSIS FOR AN INTERNAL REVOLUTION

15.   Self-Analysis 1: Dreams—the Emissary of the Unconscious

16.   Self-Analysis 2: Journal Writing

17.   Self-Analysis 3: Understanding the Death Instinct

Epilogue

Bibliography

For the unknown youth lost in the Waste Land

Acknowledgments

My keen interest in psychological theory began in the early 1980s with the in-services of psychologist Dr. David Patrick at Mercy Home for Boys & Girls in Chicago, Illinois. In the early 1990s, David had joyously immersed himself in the writing of a book on adolescent treatment when, tragically, a disease took away his young life and his unrealized dream. His spirit as a teacher and mentor lives in this book.

I thank Dr. Mike J. Byrne, EdD, for his friendship, professional support, and critique of the manuscript.

The works of Joseph Campbell and Carl Gustav Jung profoundly influenced me and this book. I am indebted with the utmost admiration and gratitude to them both. Through their books, Campbell and Jung taught me how to live, to love, and to work.

With the deepest gratitude, I thank Barbara Schermer and Dr. Jodine Speckman, DC, for their indispensable consultations over the years. Their sagacious advice was a light guiding me during periods of darkness.

I am grateful to Marie Rose Arong, professor of humanities at the University of the Philippines (Cebu), who provided edit and critique of the manuscript prior to submission. Her friendship and affection for literature brought to life the art and craft of conversation.

I thank editors Michelle Horn and Holly Starley, whose perspicacious critiques and suggestions were indispensable for the final revision of this book. I have a profound appreciation for their art, craft, and gift of developmental editing and content editing, respectively.

Although my parents, Richard J. Bentley and Elizabeth B. Bentley, have been deceased for over twenty years, their influence and spirit live in me and in this book. My father emanated compassion; my mother, a teacher, possessed a will and determination of steel. I thank my siblings—Joan, Rick, Peter, Barbara, Tina, Bill, and Patty—for always being there.

Finally, I thank the people of the Philippines, whose unique, friendly culture provided me with an essential haven for relaxation and freedom to reflect and to write.

Preface

This book is intended as an instructional guide for youth, parents, and educators, as well of anyone who respects individuality and the need for personal growth; self-awareness; and, most importantly, independence. This book does not claim to replace or undermine any psychological diagnosis or treatment. Instead, the material enclosed is intended solely to enlighten readers to adolescent psychology in order to enhance self-knowledge, self-change, and independence. Names of both the school and people in this book are pseudonyms to protect identities unless I was granted permission to use someone’s full name.

One of the most difficult and important battles in life that everyone must face abides in the journey through the awesome and precarious world of adolescence. Adolescence marks a special and unique stage in human growth and development. On the one hand, adolescence includes the thrill of novel adventures, such as romance, high school, new friendships, employment, a driver’s license, and career considerations. Teens can now produce abstract thoughts about love, music, poetry, philosophy, death, dreams of career, and romance. On the other hand, adolescence initiates periods of anxiety and stress because of the task of breaking the psychologically and emotionally dependent ties to childhood and parents, as well as fears about the future and the challenges of increased responsibilities and independence. In short, adolescence launches the key psychological task of independence and self-identity—a second birth into adulthood. Teens who maintain a stance of independence and responsibility usually move successfully toward adulthood. Yet some youths struggle in this passage through adolescence. Based on my practice and research, the failure to master adolescence might detour some teenagers into alcohol and drug usage, gangs, crime, probation, prison, prescribed medications, dropping out of school, running away, truancy, teen pregnancy, anorexia nervosa, Internet addiction, obesity, depression, psychiatric hospitalizations, acts of violence, and suicide (Campbell in Patillo and Manchi 1988, Dowling 1982, Goleman 1996, Peck 2003).

Understanding what they actually experience inwardly with their thoughts and emotions can be an enormous benefit for teens because self-understanding is central to one’s unique identity. Likewise, self-understanding tends to decrease emotional conflict within the individual and toward other people. Therefore, the information provided intends to be an ongoing resource for parents and educators to better inform teenagers of the vast psychological and emotional changes that occur during adolescence so teens can be better prepared, experience less anxiety and fear, and adapt successfully toward independence. Concurrently, parents and educators who are better able to understand an adolescent’s inner psychological and emotional world are, thereby, better able to grasp and respond to behaviors.

The purpose of this book is twofold. First, the information on adolescent psychology will help parents and educators be better prepared to guide teens through adolescence. Adolescent psychology will be practically applied in real stories about students and me in order to help the reader better understand and apply psychology with their child or student in a useful way. Stories on delicate and tough issues, such as puberty, bed-wetting, bullying, aggressive behavior, consequences and behavioral patterns of physical and sexual abuse, depression, and suicide will teach parents and educators about the underlying causes of problem behaviors.

A link exists between psychology and literature, as studied in the academic field of psychology in literature. Similarly, psychotherapists, like Dr. Albert Ellis, employ bibliotherapy—reading books as an additional means for clients to increase self-understanding and self-change. Thus, the second purpose of The Parents’ and Educators’ Manual of Teenage Rebirth is to present stories, as well as guide caregivers to literature, that parents can read or discuss with a child or teen or as an effective tool to increase communication on subjects many consider too anxiety laden or taboo, such as bed-wetting and puberty or bullying and suicide. I’ve specifically written the stories in this book to establish a bridge between parent and child or teen through frankness and humor and by examining the meaning of abnormal behavior. Adolescence does not simply halt at the legal age of eighteen because, like with puberty, everyone matures at a different pace based on psychological, cultural, and life experience. Thus, the young adult, age eighteen to twenty-three (the late stage of adolescence), could find this material useful.

But before I go further, I should tell you who I am and why I wrote this book. I am a school social worker who worked with problematic children and youth for over twenty years. During the first ten years, I worked in two residential treatment programs for children and adolescents. Most of the residents had become wards of the state of Illinois due to physical and sexual abuse and neglect. Afterward, I worked for twelve years at Cougarville School (pseudonym), which was populated by students with severe behavior problems. And finally, I just could not take it anymore. My body gave warnings through symptoms of stress—chest pains, chronic fatigue, sleeplessness, and nightmares. Work burnout fried me like an acid freak on a drug binge, but my addiction was to challenging teenagers to become responsible and independent. Often I felt ecstatic doing good work with teens when they produced success and maturity. Yet on days of frustration and havoc, when angry teens cussed and fought with staff, I thought, Why am I doing this crazy work? So I decided to take a hiatus from my job and write a book to assist parents, educators, and teens to better understand adolescence.

In my work with adolescents, I made many mistakes. But after much research, experimentation, and trial and error, I learned important measures to assist youth in their battle to master adolescence. Parts 1 and 2 consists of short stories about me and students with whom I worked over the years. I learned much from them because they compelled me to nullify myths about teens and taught me deeper truisms about human psychology. In these stories and in chapter 1, I will describe the stages of adolescent development and psychology, along with providing suggestions for parents and educators to help move teens successfully through each stage. In short, I will explain adolescent psychology in a way that makes it easier to understand. I taught adolescent psychology to students with learning disabilities as young as age twelve, and they often astonished me with their depth of comprehension.

Don’t be scared off by the word psychology. It simply means study of the mind. In short, we will attempt to understand how a teenager thinks, feels, and experiences oneself in relationship with others and in the world. Chapters 1, 6, 10, 12, 13, and 14 include sections entitled Author’s Suggestions for Parents and Educators. These sections provide a practical guide on various issues, such as steering youth through the stages of adolescents, dealing with a difficult child or a family suicide, and suicide prevention measures. I hope this information will move the reader toward greater self-knowledge, which retains potential power.

Parts 3 and 4 present methods by which the adult and teen might develop a warrior’s panoply of armor to face the internal or external psychological battles that they might encounter. These exercises and techniques—which include reading, solitude in a sacred place, recapitulation (in other words, a technique to release one’s past psychological and emotional baggage), self-analysis of dreams, and journal writing—provide a means by which individuals can increase self-awareness, independence, ability to release and self-heal emotional wounds, ability to discover unrealized potential, ability to recognize self-sabotaging patterns of behavior, and movement toward greater self-realization and a sense of personal fulfillment. At the end of each chapter, a Key Points section will summarize the important parts of the chapter to assist readers as a reference guide.

The stories may appear funny and sad, but they will guide us through the key stages of child and adolescent development. Meanwhile, I will interweave psychological information with stories of some unique children and teenagers who comprise the real life Tom Sawyers, Huck Finns, Ponyboys, and Holden Caulfields. By reading stories, we learn from characters how to be the creators of our own stories in life and to discover our unique identities so we can get on the path toward a successful adulthood. I am not going to hold back any punches because the pain of life marks some episodes. But hopefully, we will learn something from these stories and enjoy a few laughs too in this magical journey through the dark, mysterious, and wonderful world of adolescence and beyond with its struggles and joys.

PART ONE

The Death of Childhood and the Birth into Adolescence

This section groups childhood and adolescence together because the two relate to each other. Childhood lays the important foundation for adolescence through healthy emotional bonding with one’s parents, social skill development, and academic progress and competency in the three Rs (reading, writing, and arithmetic). Although physical changes begin at puberty, the individual’s personality, intellectual capabilities, and sense of selfhood continue to slowly evolve. Puberty marks the separation and loss from birth and childhood into adolescence. So like the ebb and flow of life itself, childhood and adolescence consists of periods of change and separation that can feel like a death—a departure from old terrain and a rebirth into new lands. Children must adapt with each new experience; the childhood stories in part 1 explore this struggle to adapt successfully toward a sense of personal growth, autonomy, and selfhood.

There exist key stages and milestones in human growth and development, such as when the child first must learn and master the task of walking. On the one hand, the child will likely experience an inner drive and zeal to walk like her parents; however, she will also likely experience moments of ambivalence and fear about exploring the unknown world of two-legged humanity and separating from the security of the crawling world of infancy. Generally the child will not be successful in her first attempt to walk and might fall down; therefore, she could experience inwardly a sense of frustration and self-doubt about her abilities. Yet through empathy, support, and guidance of parents, along with her own sense of autonomous will, she rises repeatedly until she successfully masters the task of walking. Throughout childhood and adolescence, there exist similar key stages of human growth and development with similar ambivalences and fears, as well as the exuberance of being victorious in one’s growth and progress toward autonomy, individuality, and self-realization. The discussion on adolescent psychology and the childhood and pubescent stories attempt to help parents and educators become more aware and understand the presence of this universal barrier of fear that everyone must overcome. However, these chapters also provide information and techniques for parents, educators, children, and teens to help them understand and prevail over this normal obstacle of fear.

ONE

Adolescence: The Rite of Passage

I believe that this chapter provides vital information for parents and educators not only to better understand adolescence per se, but to devise a strategic plan to inform the pubescent youth or teen of the vast changes during adolescence. Change into any unknown situation often evokes anxiety and fear in us, and I believe this stands as a central aspect of adolescence and the core reason some teens struggle through this period. The description of adolescent psychology and the story on puberty below will depict this anxiety and fear. Therefore, we can better prepare pubescent youth and teens for adolescence by providing information—a kind of a road map—about what they can expect and what they need to do on this journey into the unknown terrain of adolescence. In knowledge abides power, and through knowledge youth and adults can become victorious over this universal obstacle of fear.

Adolescence marks a time of change in the body, mind, and emotions. I believe this growth period compares to the importance of the first twenty-four months of infancy. Anyone can observe these changes as teens experiment with different attire, attitudes, and opinions. Adolescents simply seek a way to sort out their changing social roles and identities in the world. These changes naturally occur at different times for each person. A general understanding or framework of adolescence proves important. A helpful way to grasp the process of adolescence rests with a basic knowledge of the three stages of adolescence—early, middle, and late. At each stage, teens have a psychological task to accomplish.

Early Adolescence

Puberty initiates the early stage at twelve to fourteen years of age.

The Stages of Adolescence

A natural psychological crisis evolves for the youth since separation from childhood and dependency triggers the loss of innocence and the carefree world of girl/boyhood. Movement toward independence comprises the key psychological task. Independence means being self-sufficient at managing one’s age-appropriate responsibilities, such as completing homework, maintaining a clean bedroom, taking on a small job like cutting lawns or babysitting, and spending more time with friends. Teens should still adhere to the rules and structure of their parents’ household, but parents should be flexible and let go and hold youth responsible for the above tasks. Teens will only mature if they face the challenges of life’s stresses and the joys of its success, as exemplified in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. During Harry Potter’s arduous quest to find the Elder Wand, he recalls, Dumbledore usually let me find out stuff for myself. He let me try my strength, take risks (Rowling 2007, 433). Similarly, the psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung (1991, 56–57) emphasized that the most important function of schools rests not in teaching knowledge but in producing genuine men and women who stand as independent and unique individuals separate from their families. Therefore, if caregivers fail to give youth a degree of autonomy during this early stage, then serious problematic behaviors could develop, particularly during middle adolescence.

Author’s Suggestions for Parents and Educators

The following strategies will help caregivers assist youth as they adapt to adolescence and create an environment of autonomy during this early phase:

1.   Throw a celebration that simulates a rite of passage at age thirteen. A birthday party acknowledges to the youth and family that he has separated from childhood into the milestone of adolescence. This event compares in purpose to rites of passage used in primitive cultures to help youth create a necessary psychological shift from dependent-child thinking and social roles toward an attitude and role of increased responsibility, accountability, and independence (see Rites of Passage below). A symbolic gift like a purse for a female and a wallet for a male would be another appropriate gesture. The important part is the verbal acknowledgment and celebration by the parents and family of this developmental milestone.

2.   Teach children about the emotional changes of adolescence. Early adolescence is the crucial time when parents and educators have the strategic opportunity to begin informing youth about the three stages of adolescence in order to help the teen adapt and help ease possible anxieties and fears. At this age, teens are less defensive and more receptive to this information than in later stages because they have not yet experienced the cognitive-emotional surge of midadolescence (see Middle Adolescence and The Great Barrier below). Consequently, children in this age group generally understand this psychology more than older teens because they experience less fear of their emotions. Therefore, this information will better prepare the youth for midadolescence. I suggest that parents review adolescent psychology at each birthday or periodically, whenever a teachable moment arises. Moreover, I suggest providing your child with this general information on puberty and early adolescence when he or she is eleven years old. Start incorporating words like responsibility, accountability, and independence into your conversations as a reminder to the preteen of the path she’s on.

3.   Provide household chores or informal jobs such as babysitting or lawn cutting. These activities will strengthen an individual’s sense of responsibility, independence, and selfhood. I believe that the simple responsibility of maintaining one’s bedroom reflects on the individual. Maintaining a clean room teaches a child self-organization, structure, and order that will carry over into other aspects of his life, such as school and community involvement. Our bedrooms or homes symbolically mirror our identity, attitudes, values, beliefs, and so forth.

4.   Discard the possessions of childhood. At an appropriate time, parents and youth could gather the possessions of childhood, including games, dolls, or toy soldiers, and give these to a younger sibling or relative. This can be another powerful, symbolic gesture of letting go of childhood. But if your youngster expresses discomfort with this task, bypass it. The child might not be ready, and you can try another time. These suggestions are simply guides, and parents should use their creativity and to feel free to experiment and discover what works best with their children.

5.   Bestow gifts on special days, such as graduation from elementary school. During these occasions, rewarding or even spoiling your child is appropriate. But excessive spoiling weakens children and teens; they learn to indulge