Never Trust a Liberal Over Three?Especially a Republican

Copyright © 2013 by Ann Coulter

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For my brothers, John and Jim, who inspired, directly and indirectly, many of the columns in this book

Contents

Chapter One: Will This Be on the Midterms?

Chapter Two: If Chuck Schumer Is Smiling, Vote Nay!—and Other Good Advice for Conservatives

Conservatives Need Twelve-Step Program to Manhood

Free the Fitzgerald One!

With Friends like These, Who Needs Keith Olbermann?

On This Aborted Fetus, the Democrats Plant Their Flag

Chapter Three: Thou Shalt Not Speak Ill of a Fellow Republican—with the Following Exceptions

Fred Sawyer and Huckabee Finn

Liberals Sing Huckelujah

The Elephant in the Room

Straight Talk Express Takes Scenic Route to Truth

Newt: Speak Bombastically and Carry a Tiny Stick

Romney Doing the Job Republican Establishment Just Won’t Do

Chapter Four: Democrats: They Can’t Be Trained—They Can Only Be Beaten

Obama Woos Gun-Toting God Nuts

Only His Hairdresser Knows for Sure

Biden Secret Service Code Name: Assassination Insurance

One Plus One Equals Twenty Extra Votes for Franken

Obama Birth Certificate Spotted in Bogus Moon Landing Footage

Let’s Play Spot the Democrat!

Patty Murray: the Stupidest Person in America

Weiner’s Penis Headed to Small Claims Court

Chapter Five: Liberal Behavior: Porn Surfers, Liars, and Welfare Suppliers

Reno 911

Obama’s Recipe for Change Not My Cup of Tea

What a Sack of Sacrosanct

Bonfire of the Insanities

Look for the Union Fable

This Is What a Mob Looks Like

Who Wouldn’t Enjoy Firing These People?

Chapter Six: Slavery, the KKK, and the Trail of Tears—I Give You the Democrat Party

Harry Reid’s Negro Problems and Ours

Negroes with Guns

Elizabeth Warren Dances with Lies

Matthews a Few Race Cards Short of a Full Deck

White Liberals Tell Black Lies about Civil Rights

This Year’s Duke Lacrosse Case

Chapter Seven: PC Police: Shoot First, Hug Later

Freeze! I Just Had My Nails Done!

Speaking Truth to Dead Horses: My Oscar Predictions

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Imus!

They Gave Your Mortgage to a Less Qualified Minority

Chapter Eight: America’s Enemies, Foreign and Democratic

NY Times: Better Dead than Read

If Only Bin Laden Had a Stained Blue Dress

Frank Rich Declares Iraq Box Office Poison

The Democratic Party: A Vast Sleeper Cell

Welcome Back, Carter

Obama to Iran: Let Them Eat Ice Cream

Ahmadinejad: Yep, I’m Nuclear!

Bill Kristol Must Resign

Libya Commemorates 9/11

Chapter Nine: Muslims: Why You’re Barefoot in an Airport Right Now

Guantanamo Loses Five-Star Rating

What Can I Do to Make Your Flight More Uncomfortable?

Terrorists’ Restless Leg Syndrome

Muslims: We Do That on First Dates

Muslim Suffers Bruised Ego in Fort Hood Tragedy

Obama National Security Policy: Hope Their Bombs Don’t Work

Chapter Ten: Immigration: Addressing America’s Chronic Shortage of Fertile, Unskilled Illiterates

America Nears El Tipping Pointo

If Rubio’s Amnesty Is So Great, Why Is He Lying?

If the GOP Is This Stupid, It Deserves to Die

I Got Thirty Million Reasons

Chapter Eleven: Guns and Crime: Guns Do Kill People, Thank God

NY Times: Fraught Nexus of Lies, Stupidity, and Bigotry

Cop-Killer Is Media’s Latest Baby Seal

If I Were a Liberal

The Biggest Scandal in U.S History

Guns Don’t Kill People, the Mentally Ill Do

Why Does Anyone Need . . .?

The Left’s Continuing War on Women

Don’t Knox This Serious Network

Chapter Twelve: Courts: The Third Branch of Liberalism

Fool Me Eight Times, Shame on Me

This Is What Advice and Consent Means

Democrats Stick Fork in Own Heads

God Hates Judges

Chapter Thirteen: Keeping Abortion Safe and Other Liberal Oxymorons

Remove Dennis Kucinich’s Feeding Tube!

Forty-Nine Million to Five

The Sun Never Sets on the British Welfare System

The Vagina Diatribes

Vulgarians on the Loose!

Chapter Fourteen: Higher Re-Education

The Little Injun That Could

Tuition Soars Due to Knowledge Shortfall

Tase Him, Bro!

Oh, Canada!

Repeal the Twenty-Sixth Amendment!

Chapter Fifteen: Media: Does Barack Obama Have Nude Polaroids of Everyone in the Mainstream Media?

Dan Rather: Fairly Unbalanced

Newsweek Dissembled, Muslims Dismembered!

Murder Spree by People Who Refuse to Ask for Directions

Olbermann’s Plastic Ivy

Watching MSNBC Is Torture

Like, Is Sarah Palin Totally Conceited?

Media: Halliburton Paid Dick Cheney to Commit Rape in Iraq

Chapter Sixteen: Liberals and Science: Regulate Al Gore’s Refrigerator

The Coming Ass Age

A Glowing Report on Radiation

Liberals: They Blinded Us with Science

The Flash Mob Method of Scientific Inquiry

Chapter Seventeen: I Have a Savior, and His Name’s Not Obama

Dressing for Distress: In Hoc Signo Vinces

If You Can Find a Better Deal, Take It!

Beliefnet Interview—Church Militant: Ann Coulter on God, Faith, and Liberals

Chapter Eighteen: Not Far from the Tree

Wall Street Journal Interview with My Mother!

John Vincent Coulter

Nell Husbands Martin Coulter

Acknowledgements

Index

CHAPTER ONE

Will This Be on the Midterms?

LIBERALS NEVER GIVE UP. Nothing is ever over until they get their way, much like two-year-olds. That’s why we have to go back every few years and remind everyone that we already had this argument, and liberals lost. There’s a reason our Party’s symbol is the elephant—we never forget—and the Democrats’ is a jackass.

Hey—anyone remember when liberals told us in the 1970s that Earth was going to freeze in two years? Now they tell us it’s going to overheat in two years.

Remember when Hubert Humphrey said he’d eat his hat if civil rights laws ever led to racial quotas? Now they call us racist for opposing racial quotas.

Remember when Teddy Kennedy assured us his immigration bill would not alter the country’s ethnic mix? Since the bill passed, immigration has changed the nation’s ethnicity from nearly 90 percent white in 1965 to about 63 percent white in 2013.

Remember when they called President Ronald Reagan a dangerous cowboy threatening world peace? Now they act like he was a good partner with liberals in winning the Cold War.

Remember when the media howled that President Bush LIED in his State of the Union address about Saddam Hussein seeking uranium from Niger? Then two investigative committees, here and in Britain, established that he was telling the truth and liberal darling Joe Wilson was the liar.

If you do remember any of that, then Aaron Sorkin’s TV show The Newsroom will make no sense to you. Conservatives win an argument in real life and then, a year later, Sorkin writes a little teleplay reversing the facts so that liberals get to win.

Most people barely pay attention to what’s happening now, much less two years ago—and much, much less a few decades ago. That’s how the liberal version of history becomes accepted fact. It’s not that history is written by the victors. History is written by the pushy. When one side cares MUCH more about the historical record, there’s not a lot you can do about it. Especially when the pushy have tenure.

I’ve often said that I could rewrite the same columns every year because liberals keep telling the same lies. But there’s a limit to how many times a person can point out that Valerie Plame wasn’t an undercover agent, the August 6, 2001, Presidential Daily Briefing titled Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US was irrelevant to the 9/11 attacks, Joe McCarthy was right, the teenagers convicted of the attack on the Central Park jogger were guilty, executed murderer Troy Davis was guilty, armed citizens reduce crime, modern science has proved Darwin wrong, waterboarding as practiced at Guantanamo was never considered a war crime—and so on.

(One victory: at least Keith Olbermann has stopped telling people he went to an Ivy League school!)

You think you’ve finally defeated liberals on some issue, but they’re just waiting impatiently to repeat the same thing they said last time. There are entire Hollywood movies about the innocence of Ethel and Julius Rosenberg. The Left never thought the Soviet Union would fall. When it did collapse and all the proof came tumbling out, establishing that Joe McCarthy was right and all the liberal martyrs had been Soviet spies, the natural thing would be for them to shut up for the rest of their lives, hunker down, and hope no one brought it up. Au contraire! They never quit. You know what, we’re going to make another movie about the horrors of the Red Scare. More astonishing than the range of issues liberals got wrong is the fact that they’re the ones who won’t let it go.

The magnificently successful Iraq War has been rewritten as a failure, the Vietnam War is said to have been unwinnable from the start, and liberals claim Ronald Reagan didn’t win the Cold War, it just ended. Or maybe Gorbachev ended it. In any event, Reagan merely continued the policies of his predecessors—just like Rudy Giuliani continued Dinkins’s crime policies.

The New York Times’ treatment of any subject will be the same until the end of time, only more so. Every once in awhile, you have to go back and set the record straight. That’s what this book does.

Liberal pushiness prevails not only in history but in actual public policy. We vote and vote and vote and vote until they win, and then we never vote again. Or we’ll have a big national debate about one of their kooky ideas, the people vote, liberals lose—and they bring a lawsuit to get what they want by judicial decree. Even when we win, we can’t win.

In California alone, multiple lawsuits were brought to block popular initiatives banning: racial quotas at state schools, welfare for illegal aliens, and gay marriage. Liberals got a court to overturn the people’s will in all these cases, except the prohibition of racial quotas. But they won’t stop trying! A federal appeals court first upheld Proposition 209’s ban on race discrimination in college admissions in 1997, one year after the initiative passed. In 2012, another lawsuit was brought, again demanding that the same law be overturned—with support from Governor Jerry Brown, who I believe is supposed to defend California’s laws.

Proposition 187, denying illegal aliens welfare, passed overwhelmingly in California, with the support of 64 percent of whites, 56 percent of African Americans, and 31 percent of Hispanics. This was in the face of a massive PR campaign portraying the proposition as a piece of anti-Hispanic racism. Forty percent of voters said the only reason they went to the polls that day was to vote on Proposition 187. (The reaction of most Californians to the initiative was: THAT’S NOT ALREADY THE LAW?)

Liberal groups instantly challenged the measure in court. Three days after California voters approved it, a federal judge issued a restraining order to prevent the law’s implementation, and later declared it unconstitutional. That ruling was being appealed when Democrat Gray Davis was elected governor and dropped the appeal. A law denying welfare to illegal aliens, approved by nearly 60 percent of California voters, never became law because liberals didn’t like it. I came here illegally, but you know what? I can’t make it in this economy. Would you guys mind cutting me a check once a month? The voters can’t stop that.

The entire country jawboned gay marriage for a few years after the Massachusetts Supreme Court foisted the issue on us in 2003 by discovering a right to this novel idea in the state constitution—written in 1779 by the very Christian John Adams. Americans responded by adopting constitutional amendments in thirty-one states explicitly prohibiting gay marriage. Other states banned it by statute. Everywhere gay marriage was put on the ballot, including liberal states like Oregon and California, it lost. (One state briefly seemed to approve of gay marriage—Arizona—but that was apparently a mistake because two years later the voters overwhelmingly approved a constitutional amendment banning it.)

The people hadn’t started the argument about gay marriage, but they ended it. The public didn’t want gay marriage.

Or at least the people thought they had ended it. When allowing people to vote resulted in a resounding NO! liberals sued and got the courts to give them gay marriage. A few years later, voters in three states finally approved gay marriage. The Left’s philosophy is: wanting something more than someone else gives us the right to win.

When conservatives win a favorable Supreme Court opinion, it’s not a back-door ruling by judges vindicating some nutty theory believed by 20 percent of the people. And when they bring lawsuits it’s only to enforce real rights, actually mentioned in the Constitution. Conservative court victories tend to confirm public opinion, not upend it.

The Supreme Court finally acknowledged the right to bear arms, for example, in the 2008 case, District of Columbia v. Heller. But by then, thirty-nine states had already adopted concealed-carry laws. Not only that, but even law professors not inclined to agree with the National Rifle Association, such as Akil Amar at Yale, Alan Dershowitz at Harvard, and Sanford Levinson at the University of Texas, had concluded that the Second Amendment guaranteed an individual right to bear arms. After all that, the Court finally admitted what every serious person already knew: the Constitution grants the people a right to bear arms.

But there’s no permanent victory on any issue with liberals. Maybe they can’t ban guns at the moment, but they’ll wait, hoping for a switch in the Supreme Court’s membership so they can start grabbing everyone’s guns.

After the Newtown, Connecticut, school shooting at the end of 2012, liberals turned on a dime from vein-popping, angry self-righteousness about guns to sneering at gun rights supporters: no one wants to take your guns away!

Really? Are you sure, because I think you do.

•In March 2013, Illinois Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky warned, An assault weapons ban is just the beginning, adding that a complete ban on handguns could be possible through state and local action.

•In December 2012, New York governor Andrew Cuomo said, Confiscation could be an option . . . mandatory sale to the state could be an option.

•In a 1995 interview about the so-called assault weapons ban, Senator Dianne Feinstein said, If I could have banned them all—‘Mr. and Mrs. America turn in your guns’—I would have!

•Running for president in 1988, Jesse Jackson described his position on gun control to the New York Times, saying, I would struggle to ban them.

So maybe it’s not just right-wing paranoia that leads people to believe Democrats want to take our guns.

In the midst of all these Democratic demands for gun confiscation, on January 11, 2012, MSNBC’s Alex Wagner smirked, No one, anywhere, is talking about doing away with the Second Amendment, and no one, anywhere, is advocating stripping away gun ownership.

Yes, yes, last month Democrats wanted to take your guns away—but that was a whole month ago. They’ve learned! It’s like the guy who tried to rape you last week getting indignant at you for imagining he wants to rape you this week. You act like I’m trying to rape you! Cuckoo, cuckoo! . . . What? That was a WEEK ago! Except that Jan Schakowsky announced her desire for gun confiscation two months after MSNBC’s Wagner laughingly assured us, eyes rolling merrily, that no one, anywhere is advocating stripping away gun ownership.

The question is not, Would Democrats like to confiscate our guns? Yes, obviously—that much we know. We can discuss whether they have the power to do it, but don’t dare tell us it never crossed their minds.

And by the way, it’s sort of suspicious when Democrats say, We don’t want to ban guns, we just want a list of all the people who own them. That was the position of the Million Mom March in 2000. They demanded licensing of handgun owners and the national registration of all handguns.

For liberal ideas to work, it’s important that no one remember what happened yesterday. Back in 1967, New York mayor John V. Lindsay signed a law requiring all long guns to be registered. Everyone swore up and down that the list of gun owners would never be used to take guns away. Then on August 16, 1991, New York City mayor David Dinkins dusted off Lindsay’s list and confiscated all registered rifles and shotguns in the city. Apparently, it was easier to take trap-shooting guns from seventy-year-old guys on Sutton Place than to go to the South Bronx and take Saturday night specials off of criminals.

And that’s what made New York City the fun, crime-free, livable city that it was under Dinkins. (Motto: No Radio.)

Crime hasn’t been a major political issue for a while—thanks to Republican crime policies. If there’s anything you’d think even liberals wouldn’t touch, it would be the policing programs that have pushed crime rates to historic lows. Do not relax, readers: liberals are dying to get their hands on the levers of power so they can start releasing criminals again.

The Democrats’ ideas on crime were tested in the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s, and the result was: mindboggling crime rates. Countless Americans were murdered, robbed, raped, and left permanently disfigured—and not just by Kennedys!—so that liberals could try out ideas dreamed up in all-night college bull sessions. The madness was finally broken in the 1990s, and we saw how quickly crime could drop in places that adopted sane crime policies, especially in New York City under Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Liberals deny the facts right in front of everyone’s eyes, insistently claiming that the crime rate actually began to decline under Mayor David Dinkins. That idea is so preposterous, it is repeated nightly on MSNBC. It’s like saying: The decline in Jew-killing actually began under the Nazis. In fact, the slowdown from 1944 to 1945 was much bigger than from 1945 to 1946. So don’t be telling me the Allies did a better job at stopping the Holocaust. That’s a calumny against the record of the Führer.

Yes, Dinkins did such a phenomenal job running the city into the ground during the first three years of his administration that, by his last year, the crime rate had no place else to go but down. The number of murders fell that year from an astronomical 2,154 to an astronomical 1,995.

The first year of the Giuliani administration, crime fell 20 percent—from Dinkins’s heroic final year—and continued to fall. By his last year in office there were only 714 murders in the city. By continuing Giuliani’s crime policies, Bloomberg has kept the murder rate at historic lows. But as New Yorkers may soon find out, that could change overnight.

The few cities hermetically sealed from logic by Democratic leadership, such as Detroit and Chicago, did not share in the nation’s bounty of low crime rates. It’s probably good to keep these places around as examples for the next time liberals start rolling their eyes and telling us that incarceration doesn’t work. And they will. The arguments may change, but the F-You arrogance remains the same.

Liberals just can’t grasp the concept of punishment—except in the narrow cases of gun ownership, smoking, and hate speech, but never for real crimes like, say, murder.

Obama used the excuse of the sequester to release criminal aliens, Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis released Willie Horton, the Ninth Circuit issued four stays in a single night in an attempt to stop the execution of child-murderer Robert Alton Harris, and six justices of the Supreme Court have been trying since 2011 to force California to release thirty thousand dangerous criminals from prison to relieve overcrowding. (California had no money to build prisons because it had to pay government workers’ pensions.)

To advance their policy agenda, liberals depend on people forgetting. Forget what New York was like under David Dinkins. Forget what the nation was like in the 1970s. Forget the prosperity unleashed by Reagan’s tax cuts. Forget that every government program always ends up costing six thousand times more than Democrats’ original estimate. They need you to forget because they plan to bring the same policies back with an extra dollop of self-righteousness next time.

Republicans win a big policy victory, it works, and the liberal naysayers are proved wrong—then Democrats roll it back the next chance they get. In the 1990s, the Republican Congress reformed welfare and the result was not starving children in the streets—as liberals had predicted—but millions of Americans leaving the welfare rolls and getting jobs. Welfare reform was such a smashing success that Bill Clinton started claiming full credit for it—though he couldn’t seem to pass it with a Democratic Congress.

But then the Obama administration came in and eviscerated the crucial work requirements of welfare reform. We went right back to the government not worrying about paying able-bodied Americans not to work. (And not just Obama!)

Reagan’s tax cuts gave a huge boost to the U.S. economy—as did tax cuts under John F. Kennedy and Calvin Coolidge. So naturally, a perennial item on Democrats’ wish list is to raise taxes. You can’t win with these people. Facts and evidence are useless.

The implementation of left-wing policies is especially impressive when you consider that the Democrats’ ideas are both insane and hated by most Americans. I believe the citizenry was reasonably clear about not wanting national healthcare back in the 1990s when Bill and Hillary Clinton tried it. The public forced Democrats to abandon their healthcare bill and then punished them for even thinking about it. The next election produced the first Republican Congress in forty years.

But as soon as Democrats controlled the presidency and both houses of Congress again, item no. 1 on the agenda was: universal healthcare. (By universal, Democrats meant provided by the government. And by provided by the government they meant, crap that will continuously get worse.)

When have Republicans ever shown the steely-eyed determination of Democrats to rush through a checklist of items the moment they get control of the government? What did Bush get done his first four years as president when he had a Republican House and Senate? Reagan implemented nation-saving tax cuts and ended the Soviet Union, but he couldn’t even get rid of the Department of Education, created a few years earlier by Jimmy Carter as a sop to the teachers’ unions.

The only policy Republicans have ever pushed with the tenacity of a liberal is amnesty for illegal aliens. So we know Republicans are capable of the Democrats’ stick-to-itiveness, but only for something most Americans hate.

Conservatives, we need to adopt the smart things Democrats do, not the stupid ones. We like their persistence, but not their plans to wreck the country. We like the part about winning elections, not the part about jamming execrable policies down the nation’s throat.

Democrats do not lose any close elections—and not only because they steal the ones that aren’t called on Election Day. Of the seven Senate races rated toss-ups by Charlie Cook’s Political Report in 2010, Republicans lost 5 of 7. Out of ten Senate races rated toss-ups in 2012, Republicans lost 8 of 10. That is not a Party overly concerned with its electoral success.

Unless Republicans are trying to eliminate themselves as a political party, they’ve got to stop lunging at easy solutions and imaginary scapegoats. We have to know what keeps going wrong in order to stop it from going wrong again. It’s one thing to be hit by lightning and it’s another to stand in an open field holding an iron rod during a lightning storm.

Amnesty for illegals is no silver bullet—except to the heart of the Republican Party. The fact that the Democrats need 30 million new voters is just not a good enough reason to legalize 11 million illegal aliens and all their relatives.

Nor is the Tea Party or the Establishment responsible for our losses. Those are maledictions, not analyses. (Though it is the Establishment pushing that idiotic idea about amnesty.) The Tea Party gets blamed for all the Republican Party’s woes, but the problem with those candidates wasn’t that that they were too budget-cutty. The problem was they were too into musing about rape. In any event, the Tea Party candidates add up to only four blown Senate races out of thirteen toss-ups the Republicans lost.

A third party is not the answer. How do you plan to keep mountebanks out of your third party? Twenty percent of you leapt at Ross Perot as the authentic conservative in 1992. Then his campaign manager turned around and endorsed Bill Clinton.

The Republican Party has no natural defense mechanism against charlatans and saboteurs because politics is not what Republicans think about every second. Democrats love government. They spend their lives trying to maneuver themselves into a position to run other people’s lives. Republicans don’t want careers in government and give little thought to how to get there. Often they run for president only because they hope it will lead to more speaking gigs and TV appearances.

That may explain why Republicans seem to attract the sort of candidate who enjoys startling people at cocktail parties with outlandish remarks. There’s a great living to be made by appealing to rubes and hotheads. Even if you lose, you’ll get a talk show. At that last debate, I was king of the badasses. That’s great, now six Republican congressmen will lose because of you. For the pettiest reasons—ego gratification, revenge, money—some people are perfectly willing to screw over Republicans.

Luckily for the Democrats, there’s no shortage of left-wing people to put on TV. If a TV producer wants a spokesman for partial-birth abortion, he can just ask his wife for one of her friends. To attract the attention of TV bookers, apparently a lot of conservatives think they need to run for president.

You have to know you can’t win!

Yes, but running will increase my speaking fees.

With the most influential conservative spokesmen in entertainment themselves, there’s no one to say, Let’s keep our eye on the ball. All that matters is beating the Democrats. Cheap shot, grandstandy moves are fun, but lead to landslide losses in actual political campaigns. Republicans can’t keep sanctioning these publicity stunts. We need to concentrate on winning elections.

What was the point of holding twenty-six Republican primary debates or forums before the end of February 2012? The hucksters are well served by endless primary debates. The TV networks love them. Conservative talk radio thrives on them. It’s great for the Ron Paul’s Menswear Collection at Macy’s. You know who twenty-six debates doesn’t help? The Republican Party.

And why are any congressmen or businessmen showing up in our presidential primaries? They’re never going to get the nomination, so they’re just wasting our time and weakening our eventual nominee. In 1988, the Democratic candidates for president were derided as the Seven Dwarfs. But even that pathetic lineup consisted of three governors, three senators, and Jesse Jackson.

I don’t care if it makes you feel good, conservatives: do not ever, ever consider running a presidential candidate who has not been a senator or preferably a governor. No, not even our beloved Ben Carson. What are we concentrating on? That’s right: winning. Conservatives who think, Well, it’s never happened before, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen, are as delusional as liberals who think they’ve finally found a government program that will save money.

Passion is great, but in politics what matters is scoring. Getting applause from a small slice of enthusiasts while alienating independents accomplishes nothing. I, too, enjoy those who tick off the right people. I am someone who ticks off the right people. But we’re talking about elections. About half of the Republican presidential candidates in the last two election cycles would have inspired every stupid woman in America to drive to the polls, sobbing, in order to vote against them. (I sobbed on the way to the polls when McCain was running but for a different reason.)

Anyone who hurts the Democrats’ electoral prospects is dead. Not so, the Republicans. If John Edwards, Ned Lamont, and Bill Bradley were Republicans, they’d have radio shows, TV gigs, and bestselling books. What ever happened to Wesley Clark? Where’s Mike Gravel? Mike Huckabee has a TV show. If you want to know what the other former Republican presidential candidates are doing these days, just turn on the radio or TV.

Democrats rule their base with an iron fist, which is especially impressive when you consider that their base is composed of drama queens and attention seekers who specialize in taking positions that appall most Americans. Wait until the public finds out the CIA is sleep-depriving al Qaeda terrorists!

Those are their voters, but the Democratic Party operates like an old communist cadre. Single-mindedly focused on winning elections, the Democrats don’t run candidates like Henry Waxman or Sheila Jackson Lee for the United States Senate. They don’t run abortion zealot Barbara Boxer in Pennsylvania, abrasive New York senator Chuck Schumer in Montana, or Montana’s phony hayseed Brian Schweitzer in New York. Internet letchario Anthony Weiner isn’t allowed out of New York City. They keep Patty Murray locked in her office at all times.

Democratic candidates who have to get elected in places other than New York invariably project a Leave It to Beaver normalcy. Running for the U.S. Senate from Arkansas in 2002, for example, Democrat Mark Pryor ran campaign ads showing him reading the Bible and praying at the dinner table with his family. He claimed to be pro-life, pro-Second Amendment, pro-military spending, and pro-Iraq war. Don’t let Emily’s List know!

That’s why they win elections.

Democrats are perfectly open about their playbook. Republicans could easily steal it. As Democratic senator Jon Tester of Montana explained in the pages of the New York Times, You don’t put a point guard under the basket and tell him to rebound. So the Democrats run a prototypical, fake American like himself in Montana and far-left Barbara Boxer in California.

The Times summarized the difference in the parties this way: the Democrats tailor each campaign to the particular candidates and the states they are running in—i.e., they run fake Americans in the red states and crusading, self-righteous liberals in the blue states—whereas Republican campaigns tend to ride national waves, running on broad national issues like the size and scope of government—i.e., they give no thought whatsoever to winning elections, but Americans sometimes vote them in anyway.

Let’s consider just one example of how Republicans lose winnable elections. In four separate Senate races, Republicans were screwed by campaign consultants fleecing deep-pocketed candidates rather than doing the hard work of electing Republicans. I salute anyone who runs for office as a Republican, but Linda McMahon in Connecticut and John Raese in West Virginia were lied to by campaign consultants who told them they had a shot.

Raese has lost four statewide elections in conservative West Virginia, including the 2010 and 2012 U.S. Senate elections. Republican wiz-kid consultants couldn’t learn after the first two? It’s great that they can afford Jaguars now, but because of their greed Republicans gave up two Senate seats from a state so conservative that even Democrats have to pretend to love guns and oppose Obamacare. (Let me introduce you to Senator Joe Manchin.)

In a textbook case of Republican malfeasance, Raese was mortally wounded by the National Republican Senatorial Committee’s hickey campaign commercial. The fact that everyone reading this does not instantly know what I’m talking about proves that Republicans do not punish the people who hurt them.

In 2010, the NRSC hired a Philadelphia ad agency to produce a TV ad for Raese. Knowing nothing about West Virginia, the Philadelphia firm ended up using actors who were like something out of The Sopranos. Then it leaked that the Republicans’ ad agency had requested hickey actors for the West Virginia ad. Raese’s lead evaporated overnight.

Why don’t we know the names of the moron Republicans who blew West Virginia? Who told Raese he could win? What genius at the NRSC came up with the idea to go to a Philadelphia advertising agency for a West Virginia political campaign? (And is his brother-in-law still working there?) I promise you, the Obama campaign organization in West Virginia was not being run out of Philadelphia.

Republicans should refuse to give money to the Party until we have the