Lay It on My Heart: A Novel

Copyright © 2014 by Angela Pneuman

All rights reserved

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

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The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Pneuman, Angela.

Lay it on my heart / Angela Pneuman.

pages cm

ISBN 978-0-15-101258-9 (pbk.)

1. Teenage girls—Fiction. 2. Mothers and daughters—Fiction. 3. Families—Fiction. 4. Mentally ill—Family relationships—Fiction. I. Title.

PS3616.N48L39 2014

813'.54—dc23 2013045636

Cover design by Christopher Moisan

Cover photograph © Getty Images

eISBN 978-0-547-54271-3

v2.0117

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, organizations, and events are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. With the exception of Lexington, the author has created fictitious county and town names for full artistic freedom.

For Shawn

How strange it is that they can’t tell us what they themselves seem to know, a tall, thin beast murmured.

One of Aunt Beast’s tentacled arms went around Meg’s waist again. They are very young. And on their earth, as they call it, they never communicate with other planets. They revolve about all alone in space.

Oh, the thin beast said. "Aren’t they lonely?"

—Madeleine L’Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

Chapter 1

MY MOTHER AND I get along better with a room or two between us. The way she’s humming now, to herself, is the kind of thing that would make me crazy up close: but there’s something separate and free about the fact that she doesn’t know I’m listening. Like she’d be doing this same thing if I didn’t exist, or if I was someone else’s daughter she knew only from church or the IGA. She breaks into a soft, nervous soprano. My Favorite Things. The words lilt over the opening and closing of her dresser drawers, over the sound of Mayor James’s lawnmower next door approaching and retreating like something that can’t make up its mind.

It’s August, hot, and I’m waiting in the foyer on the bottommost stair, trying to catch the breeze from the window.

Charmaine? my mother calls now from the bedroom, breaking off the song. She likes to exaggerate the French pronunciation of my name, for fun, in a way that pains me: Shah-hah-mehnn. Come help me dress, she says. I have something to share with you.

In the bedroom I find her pulling her beige half-slip over her head, letter from my father in one hand. The international mail was so slow that it didn’t arrive until just this afternoon, as we’re about to head out to collect him from the Bluegrass Airport.

We’re not French, I say.

We’re a little bit French, she says, speaking through the thin polyester fabric. Maybe.

She shrugs the slip down past her shoulders and bra, settles the elastic at her waist, and flaps the letter at the bed, where our black cat, Titus, sniffs at the airmail envelope. Your father’s had a new revelation, she says.

I perch on the bed and study the Jerusalem postmark. God’s own city. Where my father, a man after God’s own heart, a prophet, has spent the past month. Prophecy is one of the rarest spiritual gifts. Usually it involves God telling my father what kinds of things to bring to people’s attention, but sometimes it involves God telling him what to do. Like visit the Holy Land. Or before that, take a year’s leave from The Good Word Press, where he writes up his prophecy, so that we can live, as we’ve been doing since last summer, on faith alone.

What kind of revelation? I say carefully.

My mother is frowning into the grainy mirror over the dresser, eyeing the tiny roll of loose skin that spills over the waistband of her slip.

Phoebe, I say. A revelation like to live on faith alone?

Let’s hope not, she says. "Charmaine. I think we’re done living on faith alone. It’s exhausting. Look here. Never forget to draw in the muscles, see? See? She waves her arms until I look, then sucks in her stomach, pointing at the way the loose skin disappears. Then you’ll never need a girdle. A project, he calls it, which sounds practical. If I had to guess, I’d say your father’s starting a new series of articles. About our year, maybe, or his trip. Maybe he’ll even write a book." She steps into the bottom half of a cornflower blue suit she sewed herself. Bespoke is what she calls it, if anyone asks.

Inside the airmail envelope is a postcard made out to me. It shows a tall, thin boulder rising from a faded landscape of rock, standing craggy and pale against blue, blue sky above an even deeper blue sea below. The Dead Sea. Which is really a lake, my father explains on the back, underneath which, quite possibly, lie the ruined, sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The boulder is supposed to be Lot’s disobedient, unfortunate wife. That’s all the note says. I flip the card back over and study the picture, wondering if this particular choice has anything to do with his revelation. Lot’s wife. One way you can look at the boulder makes her seem stuck in mid-motion, like she’s trying to move forward and turn back all at the same time. The other way makes her look like she’s hunched into herself, maybe under a shawl, watching her home disappear under a merciless rain of fire.

Phoebe adjusts the skirt and squares her shoulders. She studies me with a serious, confiding tilt to her head, which usually means she’s about to share something she’ll want to stay just between us. Like her secret tailoring jobs that have kept us in peanut butter for the past year, which my father never thinks to question. Or how she has it on good authority that my grandmother, Daze, thinks my father married down. Since my father’s been away, I’m beginning to wonder if all information can be sorted into what I wish I knew and what I wish I didn’t.

Listen, Phoebe begins, but I don’t want to. I scoop up Titus and jiggle him in Phoebe’s direction until he relaxes into my arms and starts to purr.

I’m a fat black kitty, I say from behind his soft head.

Phoebe sighs and pinches the pads of Titus’s foot. She loves him almost as much as I do. Look at these little black beans, she says in her half-scornful, half-babyish cat-talking voice. By the time I let him down and stand up, she’s already on to something else, giving me the once-over. What’s that you’re wearing?

It’s a brown dress, one that Daze bought me.

Where’s the pretty white one I made for summer? Phoebe says, pouting.

I shrug. I’m not about to tell her how tight it’s gotten in the chest, how the roomier brown one does a better job hiding the bulky evidence of my first period, too—the awful belt, the safety pins, the cotton pad thick as my forearm. In 1989 you can’t even buy pads for a belt anymore, but Phoebe found a year’s supply at a closeout sale. Fifty cents a box. And if I reminded her of any of this now, I’d have to hear the words your breasts again, and your flow, whispered at me in her best private voice.

Outside, the sky is a low, humid ceiling. Everything under it is muddled with heat. We head north out of town, past the campus of the East Winder Seminary, past the retirement home named after my grandfather, the famous evangelist Custer Peake. Daze, his widow, lives there now. We pass the tree streets—Elm, Maple, Walnut—that dead-end at the seminary’s neglected athletic field. On a hill in that field stands our huge water tower with the light-up electric cross on top. Underneath that tower, before I was born, Custer Peake led more than four hundred people to the Lord in one of the world’s largest spontaneous revivals. It went on for two weeks. People stood or sat or camped, even, listening to my grandfather over the PA system someone rigged up on day three. They came from all over, even from other states, once the word got out. It made the papers. It made the television news in Lexington and Louisville, both. On day six, my father came home from college in Ohio to see what all the fuss was about, and on day ten, as the sun set, my grandfather sent him to meet a delivery truck from Clay’s Corner carrying two hundred loaves of Wonder Bread for communion. That’s when my father spotted her. A petite girl, standing at the edge of the crowd wearing a sun hat and cutoff dungaree shorts and the kind of halter top frowned upon in East Winder. She raised an eyebrow at him like she was waiting for something, like he’d already spoken to her and she hadn’t quite caught it all. Right then and there, before he even knew her name, the Lord laid Phoebe on my father’s heart as the woman he was supposed to marry.

There’s a back road from East Winder to the Bluegrass Airport, two lanes that twist and turn their way out of Rowland County. Phoebe drives with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake, or sometimes the clutch, the knuckles of both hands turning white on the steering wheel. Shifting gears is a crisis, with a lurching that nearly sends me through the windshield. In the airport parking garage, she takes a moment to close her eyes, collect herself, and thank the Lord that we’ve arrived. She feels around for my hands, which I tuck securely into my armpits. I can’t help it. But then I feel sorry, which is the kind of thing that happens when you’re born again. First you have your original reactions and feelings from your fallen, sinful nature. Then the Holy Ghost kicks in and shows you what to feel bad about. After Phoebe says, Amen and opens her eyes, I give her a tiny smile and pray again, a short, invisible prayer of apology.

Unfortunately, where prayer is concerned, I do not have either my father’s gift of hearing the voice of God, or my grandfather’s gift of sensing God’s presence. They say God was so close to Custer Peake that everyone standing in the room could feel the spirit when he prayed. When I pray, all I feel is my voice spilling into a dark, silent space, a space with its own force of gravity that could pull me right in after it. Like what happens at the edges of the black holes we studied in science. But even though they’re called holes, they’re not empty. They are really full of very dense matter. And my father says that with God, there is no real emptiness, either. When we worry that we are forsaken, we should search our thoughts and behavior for anything that might be preventing us from closer contact. There is always something to find.

At the airport gate, Phoebe and I take a seat in a low row of chairs. People like to say we are the spitting image of each other. We are both five feet tall, though Phoebe has stopped growing, of course, and I am on my way up. We are both brunettes. Until a month ago we both had simple, short, bob haircuts that Phoebe kept up herself on Saturday nights in the kitchen after giving my father his trim. Now I’m trying to let mine grow so I can wear it in a ponytail, even though Phoebe warns that this will do nothing for my appearance. I have the Peake face, is what my grandmother says. A set of squared-off bones and prominent features that can be a little severe in youth but that she has seen approach classic beauty by middle age. Phoebe’s face is rounder, sweeter looking. She has her own grandmother’s chin, which comes to a pretty, dimpled point and makes her look worried even when she’s not. Which is not very often. Daze says this kind of face looks young for a long time, right up until the day it doesn’t.

Now Phoebe stands up and nudges my calf with the toe of her blue-dyed satin pump.

Stand up with me, Charmaine. Look alive. Then she remembers about my period. How’re you feeling?

Fine.

No cramps?

I look around to make sure no one is listening. I don’t think so.

"Nothing bothering you in your middle? In your womanhood?" She whispers the word womanhood and waggles her eyebrows. Phoebe has a hard time keeping her face still, is another thing Daze says. She doesn’t just have her feelings on the inside like the rest of us; she stretches her face around them as if everyone needs a demonstration.

I concentrate on my stomach. Or right below it, a spot I haven’t been aware of before recently. Now I can feel it, I guess, but nothing really hurts. Womb. Womanhood. No, I say.

Good, she says. Then she forgets she told me to stand up and sits down again herself. Then she thinks better of it and stands up again. Are you nervous? she asks.

No.

Good, she says. Me neither. Excited?

Yes.

Me too.

The flight’s in already, just arrived from Chicago and getting ready to go on its way to Atlanta. The huge, parked plane stretches across all the airport windows, like a sea creature in the world’s largest aquarium. I am excited. I have missed my father, and even though Phoebe says he’s a difficult man, and she’s been happy for the break, the truth is that when he’s not keeping her occupied, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Or with me either. And I don’t know what to do with her. Left to ourselves, we have not exactly brought out the best in each other.

When the people start trickling through the gate, they’re blinking like they’ve been deep underwater instead of up in the air. One tanned, elderly couple passes through the doorway whispering and glancing behind them at a skinny man with a wild beard. He’s dressed like an illustration from the Bible, in a brown robe and rope sandals, and for just a moment I think that’s why he looks familiar. Then Phoebe’s hand on my shoulder gets so heavy it hurts.

Oh, she says, and suddenly, beneath the beard, I recognize my father. His lips are moving like he’s talking quietly to himself, which means he’s probably receiving prophecy. It can come upon him any time, like a spell.

David, Phoebe says. She waves her arms until he sees and heads in our direction. His legs work slowly against the heavy robe, like he’s wading through water. I’m used to thinking of him as a prophet, which some people consider unusual even in a town as full of churches as East Winder. But until now he’s always kept his hair short and his face shaved, and he’s always worn the regular clothes Phoebe picks out or sews for him. Still, you never know what you’re getting with my father on any given day. The prophet, he has said in the past, is different from the man.

Now he stands in front of Phoebe with his hands on her upper arms. His lips stop moving, and he smiles his warm, sad prophet smile and says her name. Then he turns to me and palms the top of my head the way he did when I was little, and that’s when I smell him. Not exactly a bad smell. Kind of sweet and rotten at the same time, like fruit that’s gone by. The people from the plane stare or look away, but they all give us a wide berth.

Dad, I say, and he gives me the same smile he gave Phoebe, his I-love-the-world-and-you’re-part-of-the-world smile, which means that right now he is more prophet than regular person. My stomach drops the way it does in the elevator at the retirement home. All of a sudden I do feel a pain there, a slow squeezing.

We turn and make our way back through the airport, me trailing them by two steps. On the escalator down to baggage claim, my father ducks his bearded head and tells Phoebe that he is not quite himself because he is full of the spirit of the Apostle Paul.

Phoebe waits, a rare blankness on her face.

I have been given a vision much like his, says my father. You may find that the Lord calls upon you to adjust your expectations.

My ex-pec-ta-tions, Phoebe says, tasting each syllable like she’s unfamiliar with the word.

Isn’t it interesting that the biblical Phoebe was a special helper to the Apostle Paul?

My expectations, Phoebe says again. My expectations. It’s like she’s doing what I used to do when I was little, repeating a word but emphasizing a different syllable each time just to see what it sounds like. It’s not a good sign, but my father doesn’t notice.

I stood where they all stood, he says. I traced their steps. It was profound. It was real. It worked on my spirit until I was open in a new way, and you can’t believe, you can’t believe what’s possible when we let go of the limits we place on God. He speaks in a hoarse voice that is also loud, and getting faster, and people gliding past us on the up escalator stare openly.

Phoebe nods once and bites her lips. She shoots me a worried glance, and part of me feels sorry for her. But a bigger part of me feels impatient, because she’s the one always reminding me that mere humans can’t imagine in advance what the Lord has in store, and she has gone ahead and tried to imagine it anyway, hoped for it, and it’s her own fault if she is disappointed.

At baggage claim my father’s lips start working again. I don’t want to stare at him, and I don’t want to see other people staring at him either, if they are, so I train my eyes on the suitcases snaking by on the rubber mat. One right after another, with a secret message for me: whatever’s coming is going to come.

Here it is, says my father, and reaches down for his deflated canvas duffle.

What about the rest? says Phoebe.

My father hoists the bag over one shoulder, which lifts the robe and exposes a constellation of small brown scabs on his ankle. I divested myself of anything that wouldn’t fit into a single bag, he says. And anyway, I’ve been wearing this robe for two weeks now.

I see, says Phoebe, and I know she’s thinking of the trip organizer’s list of suggestions we followed to the letter. The loose linen clothes that were supposed to withstand the heat of the Holy Land. The search in Lexington for the appropriate walking shoes, for the hat that would protect his face and neck from the Middle Eastern sun. The list had been specific. And expensive. And Phoebe said she felt humiliated to go around raising support for the trip from hardworking people while we ourselves were forgoing work in order to live on faith alone. Which my father said was her pride talking.

I have shed many things, he says now, as if he’s thinking of the list, too. But I didn’t come home empty-handed. He winks at me and pats part of the duffle that looks flat, like maybe it contains a shoebox.

Outside, the clouds have turned deep gray and it has begun to rain. Phoebe and I trot across the road to the parking garage, then wait for my father, who takes his time, palms and face lifted gratefully to the rain until he is soaked through. Phoebe watches him and says nothing, which makes me nervous. The rain steams up from the road, a metallic smell I usually love, but now it’s just turning into a heavy, wet dread in my lungs.

I haven’t seen rain in a month, my father says when he reaches us. You forget how nice it can be.

Phoebe slides a foot out of her satin pump and regards her toe, which has turned blue from the wet dye. She slides her foot back in without comment. She points her chin. She offers my father the keys to the Pinto, but he shakes his head and opens the passenger door, flipping up the seat for me to climb in back, which I do, holding my dress against my legs. Outside the parking garage the rain comes down steadily. Our windshield wipers keep time with the dull throbbing in what I can’t stop thinking of, now, as my womanhood. Phoebe heaves the Pinto through its gears, and we grimly, silently make our way over the back road home.

Daze is chatting with Mayor James on the front porch when we pull up. At five feet nine she stands taller than the mayor, and straight as a pole, too, until her shoulders narrow and curve in on themselves like the tip of a canoe. She squints through the rain in the direction of the passenger window. When we get out, she smiles hard at my father and runs two manicured hands over her silver hair, which is pulled straight back from her forehead with a clip. Since she turned sixty-five a few years ago and splurged on permanent lip liner and eyeliner, she has been pulling all of her hair back from her face to tighten everything up.

Well, Daze says to Mayor James. I guess you can tell where he’s been for the last month. She gives a single clap of what might be delight. A woman’s real emotions, she likes to say, should hold some mystery.

Surely, says Mayor James. He shakes my father’s hand, looking him up and down with the deep, friendly brown eyes that make him a good mayor. You keep me guessing, David. Can’t wait to hear all about it.

Can’t wait to tell it, Mayor, says my father, and a few other things too.

No doubt, says Mayor James. He sticks his hand out from under the porch roof to check the rain, which is letting up. And now I’m going to get after the weeding while the ground’s still wet. And we all watch from the porch as the man hightails it back to his own yard, leaving family to deal with their own.

I’ve been trying to remember everything I know about the Apostle Paul. He never married, which might be what my father means when he says that Phoebe is going to have to adjust her expectations. Though the Apostle Paul did say it is better to wed than to burn, which means burn in hell for lustful activity outside of marriage. He didn’t have children, either, that I know