Still and Always

tome.

Chapter 1

Your father did something, and had to leave.

I didn’t understand. When is he coming back?

My mother had her back to me. She stared out the kitchen window as she absentmindedly rinsed another plate. I followed her line of sight out the window and into the backyard. All I could see were chickens pecking the ground among what used to be cornstalks. It was cooling down these November nights in Memphis. Christmas was right around the corner. We were halfway between ghosts and goblins, and the birth of Jesus.

What the hell did he do this time? I demanded.

Watch your mouth Peter, she shot back.

Hell isn’t a swear word Ma. It’s a place, I defended myself, not really knowing the meaning of my own words. I’d heard Preacher Thomas say it a couple of Sundays ago, when everything was as normal as normal could be. All that changed two nights ago when the Sheriffs came looking for my old man.

Our whole world, as small and insignificant as it was, seemed to be caving in around us and all Ma could think of was me cussing the hell word. I looked at her closer, thinking she hadn’t been right in the head for longer than I cared to remember. Now, obviously, she was in survival mode.

I knew what Senior had been up to. He’d gotten me to help him enough times when I was too young and dumb to know better.

I’d turned twenty-one this year, and suddenly it came to me. I’d do hard time when we got caught. That had happened to Senior for the first time when I was thirteen. He was finally paroled from the State Penitentiary two years ago, in 2011.

With my help, the old man had a fully functional lab up and running in the old trailer deep in the woods on Uncle John’s farm, just three weeks after he’d gotten out of prison.

In the terrible August heat, on my birthday, I let him and Uncle John know I was quitting. When I looked at them, I saw myself in the not too distant future. In the meth game it wasn’t a matter of if you got caught, or murdered, or had to kill someone. It was only a question of when one of these inevitabilities would happen.

Did they come with a warrant? I was calmer now.

Linda Lou just kept staring out the kitchen window. A sparrow landed for a moment on the ledge outside, nervously twitched, and then flew off again.

Ma, did they have –

I don’t know, she cut me off sharply. She stacked the last plate with the rest of the dishes beside the sink, and turned around to face me.

They would have said something if they did, I said.

Give me a break Peter, she said, halfway between defeat and frustration. I suddenly realized it couldn’t have been easy for her being married to Peter Senior all these years.

They didn’t tell me a whole lot. I think maybe they were… they wanted to talk with him. Maybe they wanted to take him in for questioning. I don’t know.

He must have known they were coming, I said more to myself than to her. Then, with resolve, This doesn’t change anything Ma.

She took the apron off, wiping her hands with it before folding it across the oven handle.

I didn’t expect it would, she said flatly.

I’m not going to feel guilty, even if he and Uncle John both go down. I made these plans in the summer. I won’t feel bad about leaving, I repeated. You guys chose this life. You can’t say you didn’t, or that you couldn’t say no to him. I told both of you I want no part of it anymore. I told everyone, and now I’m leaving next week. I can’t – I won’t – miss this gig Ma. I can’t stay.

Maybe I was looking for absolution. I couldn’t really say what I was thinking. I knew, as much as I said otherwise, I did feel guilty. I couldn’t help it. I guess that’s the way I was wired.

There’s something else Peter. Linda Lou began what I knew was going to be a confession.

They wanted to talk to you too, she added.

And..?

She sighed deeply. They found something back in the woods.

The lab?

No. There wasn’t any lab. That’s gone.

What then? A cold iciness clamped around my throat. I think a part of me knew what was coming.

They found a body. Ma said matter-of-factly, as if she was discussing the weather.

I felt like I was suffocating. My breath came in short gasps.

Out behind Johnny’s old house trailer, down near the old wellhead.

Chapter 2

It’s always strange when you deal with law enforcement. Almost nothing is predictable. Invariably they know more than you do, and this usually works in their favor. Usually. Two things are expected though. Cops never tell you everything they know, and they always lie to you. Knowing this going into it gives you a counterbalancing advantage, but you must always be careful. They are dangerous. I kept telling myself this over and over again, not saying a thing until the detective finally broke the silence, and I won.

Are you thirsty? Detective Lynch looked up at his partner from where he sat on one of three metal chairs in the spartan interview room. He sat across from me, both of them separated from where I sat by a solid steel table. Everything – even the door – was all heavy, impregnable steel. Like their personalities, I thought.

Coke? Pepsi? Lynch looked back at me with fake, bemused interest.

You got an Orange Crush?

No. We don’t have that. Sorry, he feigned disappointment.

Pepsi it is then, I said, smiling back, reminding myself not to trust these snakes. Nothing I had to say could help me. It would only lead to disaster.

His partner, Bubba something, hesitated before he knocked on the metal door. Someone on the other side of it let him out. The heavy door clanged shut behind him.

He’s really a nice fellow when you get to know him.

I stared through Lynch, thinking about his name.

He shrugged, tapping on the metal table, rotating his fingers like some kind of stationary slinky. The nervous silence continued. Again, I wasn’t going to volunteer anything. I continued to eye him.

Finally Lynch said, Thanks for coming in kid. Detective Barry, that’s my partner, was pretty sure we were going to have to bring you in. You know, find you.

He’s entitled, I said.

Well, just the same, thanks for saving us the trouble.

I started to think that maybe Lynch wasn’t a half bad guy, and then just as quickly caught myself.

What is it you want from me Detective? If it’s about what’s behind my Uncle’s trailer, I’m sorry but I can’t help you with that.

So you don’t know anything about it? he said flatly.

That’s right, I ignored the hint of sarcasm in his tone.

What do you know?

Nothing.

So why’d you come down here to see us, then? his brow furrowed.

To save you the trouble of coming and getting me. To tell you I can’t help you, and I don’t know anything you might think I do.

And what might that be? There was no hiding the contempt in his voice now.

We were both diverted by the latch of the steel door clicking open. It sounded like the lock and load of a firearm. Detective Barry was back with my Pepsi. Wordlessly he set it on the table in front of me. I didn’t touch it.

Barry looked like a throwback from an old sixties crime series. He wore a cheap, grey polyester suit, devoid of character. He was built like a running back, and wore his blonde hair in a tightly-cropped crew cut, perfectly flat across the top.

His partner was the taller man. Lynch probably stood at six two, about my height. He was thin, also like me, but with an abnormally protruding Adam’s apple that made his face look a bit like a turkey.

Both men were probably in their mid-thirties, and both of them, I was quite certain, thought I was guilty of knowing more than I was letting on.

Barry sat back down in the room’s third metal chair, only backwards this time. He corralled the back of it like some kind of gorilla, and stared at me in what I thought was a pretty lame attempt at intimidation.

Tell us what you know Peter, Lynch grunted.

I focused in on his dark eyes. Then I switched my gaze to his partner. Then I smiled.

All right. I will. They seemed surprised.

Drink first? Lynch was suddenly far more congenial.

Nah, I said. For some reason I’m no longer thirsty. I leaned forward, my arms spread onto the table.

I know, I began, that I came into your police station out of respect for you. I know that you guys have treated me like I am guilty of something from the moment I walked in here. I know I’m not some kind of douchebag who’s got anything to hide. I also know that I don’t have to sit here and allow you two assholes to treat me like one, either. They both visibly stiffened.

And lastly, I know I have no information that will help you in your investigation into whatever it is you’re investigating. Oh, and there’s one more thing I know. I’m leaving. Now. Unless you want to arrest me for something you can conjure up. Then I’ll no doubt be able to sue the shit out of you.

I stood up, to back it up. They didn’t look so sure of themselves anymore. If you find my old man, or his brother, tell them to call me. I stepped around the table, making for the door. I’ll be in New Orleans.

Chapter 3

There was a body all right. But, it wasn’t your Uncle John’s or Senior’s. That much I do know. Linda Lou steered straight through the dirt washboard of the gravel road. She was doing the perfect speed to hit the top of every one of the mounds of dried clay.

Ma, either speed up or slow down, or use the other side of the road, I implored her.

There’s turns ahead Peter. You never know how fast another vehicle could be coming around a corner. They’re blind curves too. I don’t want to risk a collision. I can’t see around the trees. The leaves are thicker than they’ve been in years. The old Buick Le Sabre Senior bought on his way out of prison two years ago was solid. It could hold its own up against most of the newer automobiles, but she was right. It wasn’t worth the risk of using the other side of the dirt road. I knew she wasn’t going to go any faster. She slowed up just a bit, though. It was enough to at least ease the rattling.

Thanks, I said. Was it fresh? I asked her, hoping it wasn’t.

I don’t know about that. Eleanor couldn’t say. Those two detectives you met with weren’t saying a whole lot. She steered right a bit to let a half-ton have more room to come through. It was pale white and the color around the headlights seemed more like dried blood than rust.

See, I told you, Linda Lou backed up the logic of her earlier statement. I had to agree with her. As the winding dirt road snaked through the forest, the oncoming traffic seemed to jump out in front of us from nowhere.

Eleanor worked as a nurse, and everyone knew everyone in this part of Memphis. The nurses knew all the doctors. One of them, of course, was the coroner, and that’s who eventually got all the bodies.

But it wasn’t –

No, she stopped me from asking. That much Eleanor knew.

How did she know that?

It was a female’s body. She pulled up, and braked for the stop sign where the asphalt met the dirt of the county road. She turned left toward downtown Memphis. The Buick sputtered and coughed as she hit the gas. So they’re looking for your father and Uncle John. They’re calling them persons of interest.

Senior’s not a murderer Ma. You know that.

Neither is your uncle, she agreed. They would defend themselves if they needed to, but that’s not murder.

Maybe something happened they couldn’t control. Maybe the woman –

Was what? She shot me a look I hadn’t seen in quite a while. It wasn’t a pleasant one.

Peter, your father may be a lot of things, but he was never a womanizer. On top of that, he would never do business of any kind with a woman. Ever. Neither would John. They didn’t believe in it. There was a clear line there. He wouldn’t even talk about it with me. You told me more than he ever would, and even then, I really didn’t want to hear it. That woman wasn’t a hooker, and they weren’t business partners. My guess would be Senior and John didn’t even know about it. It’s dense brush back there near that wellhead. They wouldn’t have a reason to go back there. It could have been a while back, too. When he was in prison, would be my guess. Maybe she had something to do with a grow op. Who knows?

I nodded without saying anything. What she said made a lot of sense. Senior was in prison, and Uncle John was drunk a lot of the time. It wasn’t more than a few years back you could smell the pot all around just driving down the back roads near harvest time.

I’m still leaving, I said, staring up the road.

Don’t you think that’s obvious Peter? You go on. We’ll be fine. They’ve done this before. Left, I mean. It won’t be the last time either. We’ll do just fine, she reassured herself.

I’ll call you when I get a place.

I know you will. You’ve always been a good boy, she forced a smile. I could tell she was worried though.

Chapter 4

A light, dreary mist draped the Greyhound Bus station as we steered past some huddled conclaves of people, and parked near the entrance to the terminal.

We’re running late, I admitted to my mother. I hesitated as I watched her stare through the front windshield, even though the only view was the rain-blurred stucco wall of the bus station.

We’ll say goodbye here Peter. I won’t go in with you.

Ma, I…

Linda Lou smiled. Don’t worry about saying goodbye. We’ve never been much good at it, but that’s okay. We got it here, she touched her chest where her heart was, Where it counts the most. I love you son. Just not in the same way the movies say it’s supposed to be.

That stuff isn’t real, I agreed with her.

No, it isn’t. What we Jacksons have is a whole lot better. We don’t always have to say it for it to be so.

I guess I should get going, I said.

She suddenly grabbed onto the sleeve of my jacket, to stop me from getting out. There’s something else I want to say to you. She stared into my eyes. You’ve got spirits, Junior. You’re just like your father in that respect. They’re inside of you, on either side of your heart, and they’re as real as the air we’re breathing. Make no mistake about it. Some of them are good spirits; they mean no harm. But the bad ones are demons. They are at war with each other. You’re off to follow your dream, and that’s a good thing. But, I’m here to tell you if you can’t figure out which ones are talking to you, there’ll be nothing but trouble and terrible disappointment for you in the Big Easy. New Orleans can be cold. It’s an unforgiving place. I know you have talent, but they won’t care. Not unless you do. So respect yourself Peter. Always do that, no matter what happens, and you’ll likely come out the other end in one piece. If things don’t go the way you expect them to, just come on back home. This thing with Senior and your Uncle Johnny is nothing. So don’t worry about it. Any time you want you just come on back son. Memphis is your home. It will always be your home. We’ll always be your kin. You’ll always be my baby boy.

She was blabbering now, but I appreciated it nonetheless. Thanks Ma. I know. We’ll see what happens.

She nodded then, still watching me. We’ll see what happens, she repeated my words slowly and deliberately. Be careful out there Peter.

I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. I got out and grabbed my Stratocaster and suitcase from the back seat of the Buick. I told her one more time that I’d call her once I got settled somewhere. I headed inside the bus station without looking back. An hour later we were headed south down the Interstate, toward the Louisiana bayous.

I must have dozed off, what with the rhythm of the rain and all, probably about four hours into the trip. The last thing I remembered seeing before the screaming woke me up was the green sign saying we were fifty-three miles out of Jackson.

I sat bolt upright at the same moment the bus driver was killed. I was lucky because I had sat near the back of the bus, close to the bathroom. I was looking down the aisle at the driver when he disappeared, moving in an instant sideways blur from where he had been sitting behind the steering wheel, out through the other side of the bus. I’d remember later, when I was able to process everything, how the driver had just sort of blown up – exploded. Like someone had dropped an open can of red paint from the top of a stepladder onto the floor right in front of him.

The entire bus began to spin crazy sideways.

Chapter 5

When the bus shot out from under me to my left, the force violently threw me over onto the right side of the next seat. I figured afterward that’s what probably saved me from getting seriously banged up, and maybe even killed. I was lying there when the back of the bus broadsided the Amtrak train. Like some contorted ragdoll I hurtled sideways, into the padding of the seats across the aisle.

Metal ripped and sheared off all around me. The Greyhound screamed as the unyielding diesel locomotive tore through the bus’s flimsy sheathing. Windows exploded and glass danced into the air all around me. It felt like hail as it hit my scalp and arms. I was now crumpled in the aisle between the twisting chairs. I was completely at the mercy of the ongoing conflagration. The train kept dragging us down the tracks though, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

I looked up from where I was trapped in the aisle into the terrified eyes of a middle-aged woman. She had been sitting across the aisle from me, in the seat next to the window. Everyone always wants a window seat. Well not this time, and never again, I thought ruefully. She was now wedged between those two seats next to me. I wanted to reach over to her and somehow help, but I was frozen. There was too much noise. The human screams mingled together with the mechanical shrieks. Both became indistinguishable from one another as we barreled on down the tracks, the diesel locomotive locked in a macabre death dance with the Greyhound. The bus was shredding apart as it was being sucked under the train.

The woman in the seats near the window reached out to me. Her fingers trembled like an old, dying person’s. I don’t know what she thought I could do for her. She was a moment away from oblivion as the sheet metal, which formed the side of the bus, suddenly ripped open near the ceiling. In a flash of sparks it was gone, sucked under the iron wheels of the train beneath us. I stared past the woman. The cool moist air was like a tornado as it suddenly filled the now-open side of the bus. Her terrified eyes brought me back. I knew in a few seconds she, and the seats, would be next. Not more than three feet separated us. Her eyes pleaded with me.

Something deep inside me stirred. In that instant, for the first time in my life, another human being became more important than me. Suddenly I had to do something – anything – to save us both. I struggled desperately to raise myself up off the floor of the bus.

I couldn’t move. The train’s lateral forces had pinned me the moment I’d been thrown to the floor. It was like crouching inside a giant, tightening vise. All my strength was not enough to break free.

Unbelievably, I became conscious of the train beginning to slow. Something below us, call it fate, tore at the bottom of the bus just as I was making one last superhuman effort to free myself. Like an invisible claw reached up from the grimy dirt between the railway ties, the seat near the window jerked sideways and downwards. I sprang free and grabbed the woman’s outstretched arm.

She popped out from between the seats where she’d literally been slipping away. I flung her with all my strength over my shoulder to the side of the bus farthest from the train. Her arm came out of its socket with the sound of a gunshot. She screamed and lost consciousness, now lying on the same seats I’d been on moments before.

The claw struck again, somehow snagging itself onto the bottom of the seat nearest the window. It, and the seat beside it, vanished, sucked beneath the churning wheels of the train. The bus lurched sideways, more of it disappearing under the train. The scraping of metal-on-metal was deafening, but lessening. The diesel still sounded like a monster.

It looked as if I could scramble up the aisle toward the front of the bus and save myself. The sidewalls of sheet metal on the bus a few rows up were still intact, now one with the side of the diesel. The rear of the bus was taking the hardest hit. I started forward and knew right then and there that I couldn’t leave her for dead. Maybe I thought my own life would be worthless if I did, or that she was worth more than just leaving for dead. Ma’s words came into my mind, and I understood more about respect than I ever had before. It was what she’d tried to explain