How An Abused Housewife Murdered Her Cheating Husband & Met The Man of Her Dreams

How An

Abused Housewife Murdered Her Cheating Husband

& Met The

Man of Her Dreams

(Smashwords Edition)

Matt Burlingame

© 2017 Matthew Couk

(Smashwords Edition)

All rights reserved.

Originally Released As Sorry Charley

Copyright © 2012 Matthew Couk

All rights reserved.

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Cover photo © Can Stock Photo / karpenyuk

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All names, characters, places

and situations are completely fictional.

AUTHOR’S NOTES

I originally wrote How An Abused Housewife Murdered Her Cheating Husband & Met The Man of Her Dreams, on an old Brother WP760-D word processor in the late 1990s as an experiment in stream of consciousness writing. I then released it in 2012 under the name Sorry, Charley — a title that never seemed to fit.

With some help from my editor, Nephi Ferguson, the story of Jess once again makes its way to readers, finally doing justice to the quirky, lovable murderess many readers have come to enjoy.

People I must thank for making this happen: My mother (aka Jess’ biggest fan), Jenny and Marina, Nate and Shannon for the original release cover art. And for Nephi for his continuous support.

For Jenny

Friday

Jess

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Ferguson’s Department Store, Loading Dock. This is Betty; how may I help you?

She couldn’t answer.

Hello?

She tried to speak, but no words came out of her mouth, which was now inexplicably dry.

Hello?

She finally let the phone fall into its cradle and sat staring blankly at the off-white shag carpet—the off actually being years of dirt she had finally given up trying to wash out. Her gaze shifted to the Ferguson’s Department Store business card with the name Betty Caulrey and a phone extension printed in bold on the front, and on the back a handwritten note: I ♥ U, B. Over the words was a glob of cheap lipstick in the shape of a woman’s lips—the same size and color as she had found three days ago on the fly of a pair of her husband’s worn boxer shorts.

How long? she asked herself as she pushed her lifeless hair out of her face, only to feel the sting of tears beginning to form in her eyes. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before. Nothing this bad. Had it?

She searched her memory: prom night, birthdays, acne, marriage... no, nothing.

Okay, just wait a minute... was it really that bad? Was this really something to get upset about?

My husband is having an affair.

The words meant nothing to her. Maybe if she said it again.

My husband is having an affair. My—husband—is having—an affair. She analyzed each word as she spoke, but she still couldn’t quite wrap her head around it.

My husband is having an affair... with Betty.

Okay, that one sunk in. She stood, her hands clenched and her mouth pulled tight. "

It’s bad enough our marriage is... now he has to rub it in my face?

She went into the bathroom and, grabbing a white washcloth from under the small sink cupboard, she wiped the mascara smudges from around her eyes. She stopped to look at the smudged cloth, felt a sudden panic and, using a bar of Fiesta’s Super Soap she frantically rinsed out the black spots under the hot tap water. Even if the towels did have rust spots and fraying edges, there was still no sense in making them worse. She’d probably never get another set—unless they were paper.

She caught sight her reflection in the mirror. She almost laughed looking at the way her 55-cent Fiesta’s Ruby Red Rouge had streaked, and with the back of her hand, did her best to blend what little was left back onto her cheek. She jumped as she heard the jingling of keys down the hall and realized her husband, Charley, was home. She stood frozen, looking into the mirror. Oh, God, what was she going to do?

I could confront him. But...

I could just try and forget it. But...

Jessica!

Yes, she answered immediately as her body jerked at the sound of his voice.

Where the hell’s dinner?

It’s— Had she cooked dinner? She honestly couldn’t remember. Quickly she made her way back down the narrow hall, into the living room and around the end of the bar that separated the living room from the kitchen. She opened the oven and to her relief found two steaming TV dinners. She glanced at Charley, who had his back to her as he looked out the sliding glass window into the neighbor’s backyard.

You know what those freakin’ Humphreys are doing? Putting in a pool. Can you believe that? Where the fuck do they get the nerve putting in a pool without asking us?

Oh, well, they did ask, Charley, she said quietly. I told them I didn’t think it would be a problem.

What? You talked to them? What have I told you about them?

We—

I told you they were freakin’ Jews and I didn’t want you talking to them. Once they make nice, Jessie, they start tryin’ to convert you and I don’t want no fuckin’ Jewess for a wife! Right?

She placed the dinners on the table.

Right? he demanded.

Right, she answered. Of course, he was right. He was always right. Even when he is wrong, she thought.

Of course, I’m right. The chair creaked loudly as he sat. What am I supposed to eat this with? My hands?

She went back to the kitchen, taking two clean forks from the worn plastic dish strainer, placed them on the table, and sat trying to avoid looking directly at him.

Work was a bitch. This woman comes in today—she’s like 80 and has these glasses big as freakin’ cans of Copenhagen. They were so fuckin’ thick. She’s there to pick up her TV, so I punch in the UPC code and it won’t come up and she starts in about how in her day they used a piece of paper and managed just as well. And this geek kid is with her and he’s lookin’ at me rolling his eyes and actin’ like I’m gonna think he’s cool ’cause he’s letting me know that he thinks the old bat’s full of crap, too. Like we’re ’buddies’ or somethin’. Freakin’ fruitfly.

She took a drink of water. What kind of woman would let Charley into her bed, she wondered. It was one thing when they were first married. He had been so handsome and sweet... and the only one who had asked her. She had to admit she’d have let a dog-boy from a circus in her bed if it meant getting married and away from her family. Her mother had called her sister an old maid when she hadn’t married by nineteen. She had decided right then and there that she wasn’t going to be an old maid and accepted Charley’s proposal without hesitation. She swallowed a spoonful of lukewarm peas, wondering if old maidenhood might have been the smarter choice.

Then the shift manager comes over and tells me they’ve made the whole place smoke-free, Charley continued while chewing. Now I have to walk all the way off the property on my break time just so I can smoke a freakin’ cigarette! What kind of ass-kissing, liberal fags came up with that?

I wonder what she looks like? And how long have they been doing... that? She stopped eating suddenly trying to imagine his tallywhacker inside another woman’s... down-there part.

So I told George he should dump her, he was saying, now onto another topic. I mean, come on—what kind of bonefuck lets their girlfriend push ’em around? I says you’re the man. You lay down the law. Right?

Right. Her response was automatic.

He starts buttin’ and if’n and I made these whipped noises. Everyone was laughin’—even Betty. He guffawed suddenly.

Betty? she asked, the hair on the back of her neck standing up.

Yeah, the receptionist. And when a chick’s laughin’ at ya, you know you’re pretty pathetic.

Hearing him speak the woman’s name made her sick to her stomach. She wanted to scream, to run out of there and never look back. But she knew that was impossible. Where could she go? Who would help her? She hadn’t spoken to her family in years. She had no money. She didn’t know anyone except Charley. What was she going to do?

Hey! Where the hell’s your mind, Jessie? Friggin’ Saturn? He guffawed.

Yeah, Charley, friggin’ Saturn, she said absently.

His smile disappeared as he dropped his fork. I told you I didn’t want you talkin’ like that! Hear me?

She hadn’t heard him, too lost in her own thoughts to answer. She gasped as the water from his glass hit her face and ran down into her shirt.

Hear me?! he repeated.

She nodded, her face flushing with embarrassment and tears welling up with anger.

Apologize, he barked.

Catching her breath she looked directly at him for the first time that evening. A loud buzzing ran through her mind; a blurry, unfocused buzz that seemed to be made of every mean thing he had ever done to her—and the list was extensive. When the buzz faded, her eyes were still locked with his, and the answer to her question seemed simpler than any in her life had ever been: kill him.

Apologize, he said again, his fist beginning to clench.

Sorry, Charley.

He laughed. He always loved the way she apologized; sounded just like that old tuna commercial. He took a last bite of soggy mashed potatoes and tossed the empty tin across the table onto her barely touched plate. So where’s dessert?

She stood, her heart skipping a beat and her breathing shallow as she went to the kitchen. Kill him. But how? Her mind raced wondering what she could use, and more importantly, if she could actually do it. She opened the refrigerator door and took the pie from the lower shelf. Her eye caught sight of a hot sauce container. No, she wanted to kill him, not set his taste buds on fire.

Fire.

As she stood looking to the stove, the matches seemed almost to stare back at her. She reached for them, her hands shaking as she slid the box open.

Wait... she couldn’t just burn him... she needed gas or something, right?

Right, she whispered absentmindedly.

She turned to see him bent over tuning the TV, the crack of his butt smiling at her from the top of his pants. Funny, she had found that endearing... the first few years.

She turned back to the pie, her foot bumping against the small box of mouse poison under the edge of the cupboard. Her eyes widened. Of course! I’ll poison the jackduty! She smiled for the first time that afternoon as she quickly picked up the box.

Fiesta’s Discount Mouse House; Kills mice dead.

What about rats?

She ripped open the top and looked at the clean white powder inside. It didn’t look like any mice had eaten any of it. She set it next to the Fiesta’s frozen fruit pie she had spent the afternoon baking, and with a large kitchen knife she cut a huge piece for Charley.

She lifted the top crust and, picking up the box, poured the whole pile of powder onto the inner layer of apple slime. Powder spilled off the pie onto the plate. She tried to think fast—how could she hide it? How—whipped cream! She reached into the fridge and pulled out a can of Fiesta’s Whip-in-a-Can. She sprayed it on top of the pie until it covered every trace of the white powder. She pushed the can and empty box in the trash before noticing she forgot to put the top crust back on the pie. In a panic she stuck it on the pile of topping and after fumbling for a fork, she brought the pie to the table. Here you go.

He grunted, moving the TV antennas back and forth. Damn freakin’ thing! He began hitting the side of it. Have you been watching this while I was gone?

No. She sat at the table wondering if there was enough powder to actually kill him. There must be. If a mouse’s mouthful would kill a mouse, then this much would kill Charley... wouldn’t it?

There. He stood up. The antenna connector was loose. It’s a good thing you have me. He faced her. You’d never have figured anything like that out! His laugh was quick. Women just don’t have the eternal knowledge of how these things work. He came back to the table and positioned himself over his chair.

If I didn’t have you, I’d probably have a color set and cable. she thought, surprising herself at the level of vehemence behind it.

That’s why I think that Sue at work is a lezbo— His words were cut short as he sat, the chair letting out one last squeak and a loud crack before the back legs collapsed from under him. His arms flailed, trying to stop himself from going down, then grabbed onto the edge of the table. Jessica jumped up, so horror-stricken over the plate of pie that had flipped off the table onto the carpet, she wasn’t even able to relish the sight of Charley landing flat on his back with the table coming down on top of him.

Fuckin’ chairs! Charley yelled as he struggled back to his feet, picked up the broken chair pieces and headed to the double glass doors that led out to the balcony overlooking their backyard. He opened the door, stepped out and hurled the chair pieces over the edge. It landed by a number of other things he had thrown outside but never bothered to clean up. It was then he saw Jeff Humphrey standing in the yard next door looking up at him. What the fuck you lookin’ at? he called before turning back into the living room. Damn Kikes, I swear! Wanna be in everyone’s business.

Jess set the table upright and began picking up the spilled pie before Charley could see any evidence