Planning Your Wedding Sucks: What to do when place cards, plus ones, and paying two grand for a cake make you miserable

PLANNING

YOUR

Wedding

SUCKS

What to do when

place cards, plus ones, and

paying two grand for a cake

make you miserable

JOANNE KIMES & ELENA DONOVAN MAUER

Copyright © 2011 by Joanne Kimes

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-0203-X

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0203-3

eISBN 10: 1-4405-0910-7

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0910-0

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kimes, Joanne.

Planning your wedding sucks / Joanne Kimes and Elena Donovan Mauer.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-0203-3

ISBN-10: 1-4405-0203-X

ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-0910-0 (ebk)

ISBN-10: 1-4405-0910-7 (ebk)

1. Weddings — Planning. 2. Wedding etiquette. I. Mauer, Elena Donovan.

II. Title.

HQ745.K456 2010

395.2’2 — dc22

2010038807

Note paper © istockphoto.com/evigen

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Dedication

To every woman who’s always thought being engaged would be magical when sometimes, it’s pretty damn awful. And to everyone who’s been accused of being a diva, a Bridezilla, a cheapskate, a Little Miss Picky, a vacant fiancée, or a not-quite-good-enough soon-to-be daughter-in-law — and was really just trying to make herself, and everyone else she knows and loves, happy for one sweet day.

Other Books in the Sucks Series

Bedtime Sucks

Breastfeeding Sucks

Christmas Sucks

Divorce Sucks

Grammar Sucks

Menopause Sucks

Potty Training Sucks Pregnancy

Sucks Pregnancy Sucks for Men

Teenagers Suck

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to brilliant agent Molly Lyons, whip-smart editor Meredith O’Hayre, and writing partner Joanne Kimes. Without you wonderful ladies, this book would not exist and plenty of engaged women would be left wondering why they’re stress-eating when they’re supposed to be on cloud nine.

I also would like to mention the amazing magazine and web editors and writers who taught me everything I know about writing about the bridal industry — you all know who you are! But really, I wouldn’t have a clue about what brides want to know without the hundreds of real women who, over the years, let me interview them, answered my questionnaires and Facebook posts, and vented to me about wedding planning over Pinot Grigio. Your feedback and stories were inspiration for every page of this book (and yup, some of it is actually quoted — gold stars to those peeps!).

I, of course, have to thank my husband Anthony for suggesting we get married (and following through with it). Engagement and marriage have, at times, made me want to pull out my hair, but being with you every day makes it all worth it. Thank you also to Ryan — if you weren’t such a good baby, I would have never gotten this thing written. You both make me laugh every day.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

YOU’RE ENGAGED! (IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE)

Chapter 2

BECAUSE THROWING DARTS AT A MAP WON’T WORK FOR THIS

Chapter 3

CHECKING YOUR LIST TWICE WITHOUT THE HELP OF SANTA OR OTHER MAGICAL BEINGS

Chapter 4

IT’S ONLY A DRESS — SO WHY AM I SPENDING TWO GRAND ON IT?

Chapter 5

THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY PLAN OF ATTACK

Chapter 6

IT TAKES A VILLAGE OF VENDORS TO THROW AWEDDING

Chapter 7

SHOWER REFERS TO YOUR GIFTS, NOT YOUR TEARS

Chapter 8

DOOM ANDGROOM

Chapter 9

THE BRIDE DIET (HEY, YOU CAN EAT ON YOUR HONEYMOON)

Chapter 10

THE DEVIL’S IN THE F^$#ING DETAILS

Chapter 11

YOUR BIG DAY (I GUESS IT’S HIS DAY TOO)

CONCLUSION

RESOURCE SECTION

Introduction

Congratulations, you’re engaged! You can now look down at your ring finger and see an actual diamond instead of an empty patch of skin where you once dreamed some bling would someday live. Whether it’s a result of love at first sight or an ultimatum (I’m just being realistic here), you finally got your man to propose! I hope it was a romantic story that you’ll share with your grandkids, like something that you’d see in a Reese Witherspoon movie, where your guy picked an ultra-romantic location and a fabulous Tiffany setting. But even if he popped the question in full face paint after his team won the big game, you still have the man, the ring, and Here Comes the Bride stuck in your head. You’ve made the important leap from girlfriend to fiancée and I encourage you to enjoy the elation while it lasts.

Now back to reality. Once your guy gets up from bended knee and the reality of planning the wedding sets in, it’s all downhill. There’s a whole yellow snowball of stress coming your way and it could get out of control pretty damn fast. The stress can come in many forms: the so-called compliments your former sorority sisters make about your so-little-it’s-adorable! diamond, the newfound battles you and your fiancé have over everything from the guest list (former friends with benefits need not RSVP) to the wine list (I don’t care if his mother drinks Arbor Mist, she can live with chardonnay for the day), the caterer who promises you filet but delivers Hamburger Helper, your mother’s hissy fit because you want to buy a new dress instead of wearing what could only be called her wedding muu-muu, and, well, just about everything else!

But fortunately, that’s where this book comes in. For the last eight years, I’ve been writing for and editing bridal publications, and I’ve learned quite a bit about planning a wedding without name calling or runaway brides. But unlike the magazines and books that make planning a bash that looks like it sprung from the pages of Martha Stewart look easy, I don’t promise that your wedding planning will be stress free. Even I, a so-called expert, had my own set-backs and tribulations. After planning my dream wedding, my husband got called up by the military reserves — he was being sent to the Middle East for an indefinite amount of time. We quickly cancelled everything and got hitched at City Hall two days later. When Mr. Wonderful came home, I pulled together a more conventional bash — with its share of complexities — in just a few months. As a result, I know a thing or two about losing deposits, making compromises, the bridesmaid from hell, and big day emergencies. Honestly, planning your wedding can suck. But with the tips in this book, and several cocktails along the way, it will suck a whole lot less.

CHAPTER 1

You’re Engaged! (It’s All Downhill from Here)

I’ve heard this many times: I’m engaged. Now what? In fact, I once got an e-mail from a relative in another state telling me that her daughter was engaged and asking me to e-mail her back and tell her everything she needed to know. What I wanted to say was, Um . . . I’ve written about wedding planning for the better part of a decade now — spent my 9-to-5 on this stuff day in and day out. There are entire magazines that come out monthly and websites that are updated daily with information about planning a wedding. And you want me to sum it up in an e-mail . . . really?! If I thought that was actually possible, I would have written that e-mail years ago, had it published, and then twiddled my thumbs while collecting paychecks! (But I didn’t say that.) My point here is this: There’s a lot to do: a lot of researching and a lot to take into consideration. Knowing where to start is not exactly self-explanatory.

So here’s the fit-in-an-e-mail version of your first three steps:

1. Form a vision for your wedding.

2. Set your budget and decide how you’ll spend it.

3. Find the right help to get all this crap done.

Do nothing else until you’ve done these three things. Here’s how.

JACKIE AND JOHN OR COURTNEY AND KURT?

In general, there are two kinds of brides: those who have fantasized about Chantilly lace and fondant icing since they were little girls, and those who rarely gave their wedding day a second thought. No matter which camp you belong to, your first step in wedding planning is to decide what it is you want from your wedding day. And I mean today, as a grown adult. A lot has changed since you walked Barbie and Ken down the aisle, except for the fact that a pink Corvette and a Malibu beach house are still killer additions to any marriage.

It’s important to have a distinct vision of your wedding day before you start the planning process because once you set foot in a dress salon or florist’s studio, you’ll be bombarded with choices. And without the vision to direct you, you could easily become overwhelmed, confused, or rushed into spending money on something that turns out to be not-quite-right. And while it’s okay to, say, browse casually to get some ideas, it’s not okay to buy anything or — I really mean this one — go to one of those crazy bridal shows until you’ve created your vision. To get started, ask yourself some probing questions:

• What have I dreamed the day would be like?

• In what type of setting would I like to have the ceremony and reception?

• Who would I like to have there to celebrate with my fiancé and me?

• What style and feel would I like the day to have?

• What are my top three priorities for my wedding day?

Answering these questions will give you a clear jumping off point. Remember that everything about your wedding day will stem from your location, the size of the guest list, and any sort of theme or style choices you’ve made. So those choices are what will guide you as you make all those tough decisions. Think of it as planning a kids birthday party, except without paper plates and scary clowns (believe me, your Uncle Leo dancing the Macarena will be scary enough). Find your focus.

While thinking about these major decisions, don’t neglect to run them by your fiancé. You know, the dude that used to be the main focus of your life that will soon be pushed aside in favor of choosing invitation fonts and veil lengths? Yeah, that guy. You may be marrying a man who wants to sit back and let you decide it all (or is too afraid to voice his opinion and set you off), or he may state his opinion loud and clear and it may be the direct opposite of yours. Either way, you’ll want to save yourself future bickering — or passive-aggressive helping-out boycotts — by asking him for his thoughts up front. Find out what your guy thinks the big day should be like and hope to high heaven that you two have roughly the same sort of picture in mind.

Now here’s a for instance: Maybe you’re envisioning a small refined gathering with the two of you exchanging vows on a cliff top in Hawaii and dining on a seafood platter buffet. Your guy? He wants 200 of his closest friends and family (with their small children, of course!), an outdoor Western motif, and a taco bar reception. While you’re tempted to backpedal on the whole wedding deal or deny him sex to get your way (wait, that comes after a few years of marriage), remember that this day is about the two of you and it should reflect both of your personalities and wishes. Plus, this is the first of many compromises you’ll have to make throughout your marriage, so you best learn how to start being flexible now. Maybe Hawaii is too far, but there’s a cliff overlooking a nearby lake where you could have the ceremony, and then have seafood tacos for a reception of only 100 guests. Or perhaps you head to Hawaii, but you bring a crew of friends and relatives along with you (with their kids) and marry in a Hawaiian church, with a cocktail hour on that cliff. See, there are some compromises that actually sound pretty cool.

WHAT? IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME?

Now, if trying to compromise only results in screaming matches, take a step back. Think about your relationship. Is this really how you’re going to approach the big decisions in life? If your guy is totally inflexible, think about why he wants to have this wedding his way only. Is it because this is his first wedding and your second? Is he stubborn or controlling? Does one of you really deserve more say than the other? Is it an unequal partnership? I didn’t think so.

I cried like a big, fat baby when my now-husband suggested getting married at City Hall. What about the big church wedding I’d been fantasizing about? What about the professional photographer? My dad walking me down the aisle? All those wonderful, sentimental, and expensive things? I’m pretty lucky, because he let me cry about that stuff without pointing out that what I should be crying about was his going to war. Once I pulled my ridiculous self together, I realized what was important — and that was that we wanted to vow to spend our lives together. So my next step was to pick up the phone, call our close friends and family, and invite them to City Hall two days later.

Ian proposed in Rome after seeing the Sistine Chapel. He told me he initially was going to do it the night before, over dinner, but when my meal arrived, the pasta was shaped like little penises. I guess he didn’t want to associate his proposal with a tiny wiener.

— Erica

My point is, wedding dreams are usually just that: dreams. And while they’re wonderful and oftentimes meaningful (family traditions and religions do come into play), they’re certainly not worth risking your relationship for. You can’t merge your two different visions? Decide that neither of you wins and come up with a completely new wedding idea together. Listen, if you can’t agree on this, how are you going to agree on things during your married life?

Once you and your man have the talk and find your compromise, together you’ll have created a vision for your wedding day. Now, I don’t promise to be a miracle worker — everything about this wedding vision may not come true (more on that in the next section). However, by envisioning the dream wedding and coming up with some priorities, you’ve created a focus for your event. And with focus, wading through the thousands of ideas that will come at you will suck a lot less. You’ll have inspiration and be able to easily eliminate the not-quite-right choices. Focus will prevent you from getting sidetracked or from breaking out in stress-induced hives.

A GUIDE FOR THE PLANNING PERPLEXED

Setting an overall theme for your wedding can be overwhelming. But what it comes right down to is your (and your mate’s) personality. Here are some basic themes to start you thinking:

Romantic: If you have flowery elegance in mind, picture this: A ceremony and reception in a hotel ballroom, historic home or somewhere else with opulent chandeliers, ornate fireplaces, and grand staircases. Keep it intimate by inviting your 60 nearest and dearest and decorate with red roses. For dessert? Red velvet cake.

Rock ’n’ Roll: Maybe you and your fiancé are really into music. Choose an excellent band that can work with you to create an awesome set list that’s not only rife with your favorite songs but will also get guests rockin’ on the dance floor. Maybe you don’t spend lots of loot on an indulgent dinner but instead, give every guest a backstage pass to an amped up cocktail reception.

Preppy: Are you more Jackie and John than Courtney and Kurt? Picture a New England-style country club wedding. Crisp linens in navy and white can decorate your space. During the cocktail hour, serve lobster rolls and entertain your guests with a swing band.

Sporty: Do you both root for the same team? Imagine entering your reception to the tune of the Monday Night Football theme. Instead of numbering the tables, name each table after a different player on your favorite team. Have the groom’s cake shaped to resemble his alma mater’s stadium.

These are only a handful of ideas. You could go Disco, Roaring Twenties, Formal, Asian, Klingon . . . the sky’s the limit. Your tastes and interests will dictate countless others.

SIZE MATTERS . . . OR AT LEAST THE SIZE OF YOUR BUDGET

Ah, money — it’s usually the thing that sucks the most about wedding planning. In fact, I’m sure the person who quipped, Money is the root of all evil, must have done so while planning a wedding. Everything about money sucks: budgeting, overspending, saving — basically the whole financial enchilada. The only thing that doesn’t suck about money is the prospect of having so much of it you could swim and take nose dives in it like Uncle Scrooge does. (Yes, I referenced Duck Tales. So what?) Unless you’re like Star Jones and can get your wedding stuff for free by promoting the vendors on The View, you need to create a wedding budget. Whether it’s $1,000 or $100,000, a wedding budget is vitally important because it will keep you from overspending, help you prioritize, and essentially keep everything in perspective — and in check. Big or small, your budget starts with a number. Here’s how you find yours.

First, figure out where all the money for your wedding will be coming from. How much do you and your fiancé have saved up? How much will your parents and/or his parents contribute? You should be very clear from the get go exactly how much you have to work with. There are two reasons for this: one is that asking someone to pay for, say, the flowers can be misinterpreted as letting them choose the flowers. And you really want your wedding flowers to be lilacs, not