The Everything Tantric Sex Book: Learn Meditative, Spontaneous and Intimate Lovemaking

THE

EVERYTHING®

Tantric Sex Book

Dear Reader

You are busy. Trust me, I know. But I took time to write this book, and you took time to read it, because we are perceptive enough to know that something is missing in our lives, despite our best efforts to cram every possible thing into a twenty-four-hour day.

What is this missing element? Calmness. Bliss. Contentment. If you are like most people, you are so caught up in the rat race and pursuing success (however you envision it) that you don’t take enough time to nurture your spirit and your soul.

By learning how to achieve balance within yourself—and with your partner, as well as the world around you—you can lead a life of happiness and harmony. And since personal relationships are often the first casualties of a busy life, picking up a few trick s to spice up your sex life can strengthen your intimate bond with your partner. Bottom line: I think your pursuit of Tantra will bring light and sunshine into your life in all sorts of magical ways.

I hope this book will help you find spiritual bliss and personal contentment. Not to mention, a hot and passionate sex life.

—Bobbi Dempsey

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THE

EVERYTHING®

TANTRIC SEX

BOOK

Learn meditative, spontaneous,

and intimate lovemaking

Bobbi Dempsey

Technical Review by Al Link and Pala Copeland

Founders, 4 Freedoms (www.tantra-sex.com)

Adams Media

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright ©2007, F+W Media, Inc.

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions

are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

An Everything® Series Book.

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Published by Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322 U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN-10: 1-59869-326-3

ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-326-3

Printed in the United States of America.

J   I   H   G   F   E   D   C   B

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Dempsey, Bobbi.

The everything tantric sex book / Bobbi Dempsey with

Al Link and Pala Copeland.

p. cm. — (Everything series)

ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-326-3 (pbk.)

ISBN-10: 1-59869-326-3 (pbk.)

eISBN13: 978-1-59869-326-3

1. Sex instruction. 2. Sex—Religious aspects—Tantrism.

3. Man-woman relationships. I. Link, Al. II. Copeland, Pala.

III. Title.

HQ31.D419 2007

306.77—dc22     2007010854

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Interior Illustrations by Kathie Kelleher

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

To my beloved readers—may you find balance, love, and bliss.

Contents

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Practice Tantric Sex

Introduction

1 Tantric Sex 101

What Does Tantra Mean?

The Basic Idea

Tantra’s Bad Reputation

Why Westerners Need It

Is It All about Sex?

Neo-Tantra: What It Is and Isn’t

Tantra in the Modern World

2 History of Tantric Sex

The Roots of Tantra

Tantric Buddhism

The Siddhas

Tantra’s Dark Period

Taoist Traditions

Kama Sutra and Tantra

Nineteenth- and Twentieth-Century Revival

Important Figures in Tantric History

Tantric Symbols

Tantric Terms

3 The Spiritual Side of Tantra

Why Spirit Is Important in Tantra

Spirituality Versus Religion

Making a Connection Is Crucial

Consciousness and Tantra

Important Tantric Teachings

4 Understanding the Orgasm

Introduction to Orgasms

The Four Stages of Sexual Response

Orgasm Basics

Multiple Orgasms

Dry Orgasms

Orgasm Facts and Fallacies

Orgasms in Men

Orgasms in Women

Full-Body Orgasm

Simultaneous Orgasms

Enhancing Orgasms

Benefits of Orgasm

5 Getting Started

Are You Really Ready?

The First Steps

What Are Your Needs?

Advice from the Experts

Singles

Couples

6 Yoga, Exercise, and Meditation

Breathing Basics

Tantric Yoga

The Benefits of Yoga

Solo Yoga Moves

Couples Yoga

Why Exercise Is Important

Meditation Basics

Health (Ayurveda)

7 The Importance of Environment: A Sensual Space

Why Space Matters

What You Will Need

Essentials of the Perfect Sacred Space

Feng Shui and Vastu

Tips from an Expert

8 Massages, Oils, and Baths

Massage Basics

Sensual and Erotic Massage

Facial Massage

Sexual Massage

The Bath Ritual

Oils

9 Foreplay

What Is Foreplay?

The Importance of Foreplay

Types of Foreplay

Foreplay Talk

Twenty-Four-Hour-a-Day Foreplay Ideas

Singles and Safe Sex: Fun with Foreplay

Foreplay Dos and Don’ts

10 Kama Sutra and Sexual Positions

The Kama Sutra

Man on Top

Woman on Top

Rear Facing

Standing

The Benefits of Basic Positions

Woman on Top Variations

Sitting Positions

Rear-Facing Variations

Other Positions

11 Advanced Positions

Why Try New Positions?

More Esoteric Positions

Challenging Positions

Oral Sex Positions

Anal Sex Positions

New Environments

Position-Assisting Furniture

Positions for Conceiving

Positions During Pregnancy

12 Rituals and Ceremonies

Personal Rituals

Tantric Rituals

Modern Western Rituals

Sex Rituals in Other Religions

The Basics of Rituals

The Basic Secret Rite

The Rite of the Five Essentials

Chakra Puja

13 Chakras

Origins of Chakras

Understanding Chakras

Chakras and Energy

Opening Chakras

Tibetan Chakras

Influencing Chakras

Getting Your Chakras in Sync as a Couple

14 The Tantric Way of Life

Bring Tantra into Your Entire Life

Make Tantra a Way of Life

Treat People Right

Embrace a New Outlook on Life

Accept Your Newfound Openness

Share Tantric Teachings with Others

15 Monogamy and Safe Sex

Monogamy Basics

Couple as Guru

Truth and Vulnerability

Safe Sex

Making Monogamy Exciting

Monogamy Versus Polyamory

16 Toys, Props, and Extras

Toys and Their Role in Tantra

Introducing Toys to the Bedroom

Types of Sex Toys

Props

Clothing

Food and Wine

Buying Sex Toys

17 Books and Videos

Choosing Resources That Are Right for You

Books

Videos

Video Reluctance

Adjuncts to Workshops

Using These Materials to Learn

Setting Aside the Time Needed

18 Sex-ercises

Getting In Shape Together

Visualization

Kegel Exercises

Pompoir

Dance and Movement

Pelvic Thrusts

19 Especially for Her

Women as Goddesses

Treat Her Like the Goddess She Is

Treat Yourself as the Goddess You Are

The Art of Dressing

Become Even More Open and Orgasmic

Enhancing Her Pleasure

Increasing Libido

20 Especially for Him

Men as Gods

Ejaculation Mastery

Male Multiple Orgasm

The Nine Types of Male Movement

Premature Ejaculation

Erectile Dysfunction

Increasing Libido

Enhancing Male Pleasure

21 Tantra Workshops and Classes

Why Take a Workshop?

Who You Are and What You Need

Finding Classes or Workshops

Interviewing a Potential Teacher

Do Your Research

Maximum Benefit Before and After the Workshop

Things to Keep in Mind

22 Tantra for Special Categories of People

Who Is Tantra For?

Different Age Groups

Different Lifestyles

Physical Characteristics

Psychological and Emotional Issues

Appendix A: Glossary

Appendix B: Tantric Facts and Fallacies

Appendix C: Resources

Acknowledgments

I would like to extend my sincere thanks to the Tantric experts, teachers, and practitioners who generously offered their advice and input for this book. Their insight and wisdom is greatly appreciated. Also, much gratitude to the many ancient gurus who practiced and preserved their mystical beliefs even under great duress and prejudice, ensuring this spiritual art would live on throughout the centuries.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should

Practice Tantric Sex

1. Tantra helps you connect with the universe and the higher power, leading to spiritual healing and enlightenment.

2. You will be a happier person. For most people, Tantra brings a sense of peace and joy that may have been missing in their lives.

3. Your orgasms will become much stronger, more satisfying, occur more frequently, and last longer than they did before.

4. You will rediscover your own body.

5. Relatedly, you will also see your partner’s body in a whole new light. Most likely, you will find exciting new spots that you previously neglected or overlooked.

6. Tantra stresses the importance of balance, which brings an overall sense of calm into one’s life.

7. The incredibly powerful intimate bond you develop with your partner will benefit both of you. The connection you build through Tantra will make your union stronger and more fulfilling.

8. Your fitness level will greatly improve. Many of the techniques associated with Tantra—yoga, Kegel exercises, etc.—can have great fitness benefits such as muscle strengthening and toning. Bottom line: it does a body good.

9. You will have some fun shopping trips. Hitting the stores in search of perfect items for your sacred space and fun toys for your bedroom adventures sure beats grocery shopping!

10. Everybody loves good sex! And your partner will be thrilled at the new moves you pull out of your sexual bag of tricks.

Introduction

Il_9781598693263_0014_001 CONGRATULATIONS. By making the decision to check out this book, you have taken an important first step on an entirely new journey in your life—embarking on a path that can lead you to a special place where you feel both ultimate peace and unbridled passion.

Peace and passion. A highly desirable combination—and a state of being that many people pursue, but few are able to successfully achieve. You will be following a path created for you by Tantric trailblazers of ancient times. By heeding the wisdom of the past, you will be paving the way for your blissful new future.

Let’s face it: If having a powerful and fulfilling intimate connection were as easy as inserting Tab A into Slot B, everybody would be in a constant state of bedroom bliss. Instead, many people find themselves feeling frustrated and disappointed in their personal relationships, constantly searching for the elusive key to ecstasy. They may go from one unsatisfying relationship to another, never seeming to find what they need. Eventually, they reach a point of reluctant acceptance and resign themselves to the fact that this is all there is. They abandon all hope of ever having more—more passion, more happiness, and more spiritual peace.

But it gives me great pleasure to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way. No matter what your background or current situation, you too can have balance and happiness in your life. You can eliminate stress and negative energy from your life. And, finally, you can reach new heights of passion with your partner. As a bonus, you will also learn how to have a loving, blissful existence with the world around you—and understand how to achieve peace and acceptance within yourself.

With the help of ancient gurus and the sexual and spiritual secrets they dedicated themselves to protecting, you will first learn how to attain harmony in your life, which will then pave the way toward a completely fulfilling love life.

There is an old saying that the brain is the most important sex organ. There is a lot of truth to that—although you must also include two other critical elements: the heart and soul. So rather than just throwing you into a menu of various exciting sex positions, this book first takes you on a journey toward a more content and enlightened soul. You will learn about the history of Tantra, including the ancient traditions that gurus carefully preserved and passed down to trusted students. You will also discover the differences between the various types of Tantra, which can help you decide which path is right for you.

Before just jumping into bed with a bottle of massage oil (and, ideally, a partner) you will learn the importance of touch and why you first need to establish a powerful intimate connection. You will become skilled at creating the all-important sacred space for love, and find out why those preintercourse rituals and routines are so important.

You will learn how to prepare yourself—mentally, emotionally, and physically—for the most passionate encounters you may ever have. Realizing that spiritual and emotional factors play a big part in physical pleasure, you will learn techniques for establishing and/or strengthening an intimate bond with the special person in your life. Once you have completed that goal, you will discover the key to the most passionate—maybe even magical—sex of your life.

In pursuing Tantric enlightenment, you will also discover a new and exciting network of like-minded people. You will find yourself with many new friends who share your interest in self-improvement and higher consciousness.

Perhaps most importantly, you will learn the importance of treating yourself and your partner with the love, respect, and adoration that you deserve. You will learn to expect the treatment befitting a god or goddess, while also bestowing appropriate treatment upon your partner.

By employing ancient Tantric approaches and attitudes, you will open yourself up to new levels of passion and spiritual peace that will cast a glow of positive energy over your entire universe.

Welcome to an exciting phase of your life. Your future is bright and radiant with joy. Embrace this new beginning and revel in the spiritual awakening it brings you. May you enjoy total bliss in your life—and your love.

Chapter 1

Tantric Sex 101

You may be familiar with the saying, everything old is new again, and that’s definitely true when it comes to the art of sensual pleasure. Tantric sex is among the oldest (if not the oldest) of all the sensual arts. Yet it is recently becoming more popular than ever. More and more people are becoming fans of Tantra and the positive effects it can have on their love life. Read on and discover how an ancient philosophy can spice up the sex life of a modern person like you.

What Does Tantra Mean?

The word Tantra is Sanskrit for weave or woven together. Sometimes it is also translated to mean to expand or to liberate. It is a system of beliefs and traditions—based on the art of consciousness—dating back to ancient times. The roots of Tantra are obscure. Some say the practice dates back many thousands of years to early goddess worship. Tantra became extremely popular in India in the eighth through twelfth centuries, working its way across the country and even making its way to rural villages.

Sanskrit is a classical language used in Hinduism and Buddhism. Some people believe it is the world’s oldest language. It is one of India’s twenty-two official languages, but has mainly become a language for research scholars. It is not used as a common form of communication.

The term Tantra has been used loosely over the years, applied to several different bodies of beliefs—mostly those based on Hindu and Buddhist traditions celebrating the union of what appear to be opposites. In other words, celebrating the union of masculine and feminine, positive and negative, etc., in order to transcend the perceived separateness and regain the actual oneness of reality. Tantra also involves the idea of using the union of man and woman—meaning intercourse—as a route to a divine place. In some cases, intercourse was seen as a path to God or a higher spiritual universe.

A main tenet of the Tantra philosophy is that all aspects of life, all living things and of creation, are special and sacred. Simply put, it’s the basic idea of creating heaven on earth and viewing yourself as a god or goddess. Using Tantric teachings, people learn to form a spiritual connection with everything and everyone around them.

People who practice the traditional art of Tantra are called Tantrics (also Tantrikas or Tantricas). In traditional Tantra, Tantrics would spend years studying under a guru and would engage in elaborate, often time-consuming, rituals and exercises to perfect their skills and sharpen their minds and spirits.

The Basic Idea

Tantra involves many different beliefs and practices, but there is one common theme. In all practices, there is an emphasis on the joining of two seemingly opposite life forces—male and female, yin and yang, dark and light, hot and cold, etc.—to create one powerful force leading to higher consciousness. Basically, by joining these two halves, you make a whole, which leads to spiritual (and sensual) bliss.

It’s All about Unity

The basic principle of Tantra is unity. That can be expressed in many forms. It could be unity with the world around you, or unity of spirit, which brings peace and clarity, or when related to sex, the unity of man and woman to bring about the ultimate pleasure and fulfillment. Once you achieve the desired unity, you reach a higher consciousness and connect with a divine place. (In traditional Tantra, this usually involved a connection with a god, a creator, an ultimate being, or some other deity, but today it is often interpreted to mean a place of complete bliss.)

The Ancient Approach

In ancient Hindu times, the Tantra approach to sex involved using meditation combined with nonorgasmic sensual activities, resulting in spiritual bliss. This technique involved activating and stimulating the energy centers (the chakras, which will be discussed in detail in Chapter 13), each of which played an important role in helping participants pursue their ultimate spiritual destination.

What is sacred sex?

When the techniques of Tantra are applied to sensual acts, this is sometimes referred to as sacred sex. This term is used to refer to any sexual experience that helps a person attain a stronger connection with the universe or a higher power.

Shiva and Shakti

When discussing Tantra and the idea of unity, it is necessary to include Shiva and Shakti, who represent masculine and feminine archetypes in Hindu symbolism. Shiva, the male, is pure consciousness; Shakti, the female, is the power of creation—she’s the life force energy that combines with his power of thought to manifest the physical world. One cannot exist without the other, as the two are inseparable and it takes both powers working in harmony to keep the universe functioning (more on Shiva and Shakti in Chapter 3).

Tantra’s Bad Reputation

For a long time, Tantric practices were frowned upon in many regions of the world (to a lesser extent, this bias still exists today). This was largely due to myths and misconceptions surrounding Tantra. People in the scientific community wrongly believed that Tantra was based on superstition. Also, some of the traditional Tantric rituals—often marked by chanting, dancing, sacrificial rites (including human sacrifices), images of gods and goddesses, and other mystical/religious elements—made people think of a cult, or witchcraft, or black magic. But perhaps the most important opposition came from those in power, who disliked Tantra’s philosophy of freedom and openness, perhaps fearing it would make people too rebellious and independent.

Modern Tantra is not a religion, although it focuses on spiritual enlightenment. You can practice Tantric techniques regardless of your religious faith. You do not need to renounce your current religion to practice Tantra. Ideally, Tantra should enhance your established beliefs, not replace them.

Even today, some people prejudge Tantra as being too New Age or obscure, usually because they haven’t taken the time to learn about Tantric beliefs or understand the principles behind them. Perhaps people also mistakenly believe that Tantra is a religion—and therefore they cannot observe its teachings while adhering to their own particular religious beliefs.

Why Westerners Need It

People today may be more free about sex as far as discussing it openly and feeling comfortable with their sexuality, but for the most part they are still not nearly as enlightened when it comes to sex as they may like to think.

Sexual Enlightenment

A lot of people today confuse promiscuous behavior with sexual enlightenment. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because you have a multitude of partners, this does not mean you are sexually enlightened. In fact, many followers of Tantra are advocates of monogamy and committed relationships. The whole idea behind Tantric sex is to make the experience more fulfilling, both physically and emotionally, allowing you to form a bond with your partner that’s stronger than ever. As a result, sex is infinitely more pleasurable and never gets boring, even if you’ve been with the same partner for a long time. By learning to make the experience itself more enjoyable, you eliminate the need to continue to search for new partners to keep things exciting. Essentially, by fulfilling the spiritual aspect of sex, as a higher power intended, the desire for multiple sex partners is decreased because the emotional void is filled.

Slow Things Down

In our fast-paced world, there’s a tendency to focus on quick gratification and purely physical encounters. True, such quickie encounters can be satisfying in the short-term, but eventually you realize that you crave more. By slowing things down and focusing on forming a strong spiritual connection, you will have sensual encounters that will prove much more satisfying.

In addition, Tantra emphasizes relaxation, togetherness, creativity, and playfulness. These are all things that can come in handy for the busy people rushing through today’s high-stress environment. Taking the time to smell the roses (or your partner’s unique enchanting scent) can be a great way to escape the stresses and pressures of daily life.

Western philosophy is generally concerned with the outer world—how to achieve success outside of one’s self. Eastern philosophy teaches the importance of cultivating one’s inner strength. That is, it teaches that success cannot be measured by outer achievements.

Embrace Emotions

In the West, there is a lot of emphasis on logic, reason, and linear thought. In the East, however, there is intuition, belief, and circular thought.

One teacher described the difference in perceptions like this: The westerner sees the world, while the easterner feels the world.

Yet, in the West, throughout history so much emphasis has been placed on logic that the feeling is missing. Westerners are more and more interested in getting control over emotions rather than the let it out approach and deep-relaxation techniques.

Ideas of Eastern and Western spirituality generally suggest that the East is passive while the West is active. In analyzing the different schools of Tantra, we can see that this is not always true. This live it aspect of Eastern spirituality appeals to many westerners who wish to experience spirituality and are no longer content simply contemplating it.

Is It All about Sex?

There are many misconceptions when it comes to the subjects of sex and Tantra. The most common, is that Tantra means sex. While it’s true that Tantra principles can greatly enrich and enhance your sex life, that’s just one aspect of a much broader way of life. In reality, Tantra is a large philosophy encompassing many areas of life, and sex is only one small part of that. But since sex is—in the Western world—the most well known (and, arguably, the most titillating) part of Tantra, it gets the most attention.

In Tantra, desires are expected and embraced. They are viewed as a natural part of being human. They are to be encouraged and learned from. Desire becomes a vehicle for spiritual awakening. This is very different from what the Western approach teaches.

Tantra beliefs and teachings can help you improve all aspects of your life. This philosophy can help you take a fresh new look at everything around you. You will learn to view all of creation as a spiritual, heavenly universe—and to view yourself as a god or goddess inhabiting that universe.

A Tantra Guru Weighs In

Al Link and his partner Pala Copeland have been Tantric sex practitioners since 1987 and teachers since 1997. They are the authors of Soul Sex:

Tantra for Two and several other books on the subject. Al shares his thoughts on Tantra’s connection to sex:

There is an interesting split in the Tantric community about the meaning and significance of Tantra sacred sex practices. At one extreme, there are those teachers who claim that sex has nothing to do with the ‘true or pure spiritual Tantra. At the other extreme there are those who believe that enhanced sexuality is all that Tantra is about. There is also a middle position, such as ours, which maintains that in its spiritual dimension, as a vehicle leading practitioners toward full enlightenment, that all aspects of life in