The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out If He's Unfaithful

Foreword by TOMMY HABEEB,

former writer, producer, and host of Cheaters

The

Cheat

Sheet

A Clue-by-Clue Guide to

Finding Out If

He’s Unfaithful

REA FREY &

STEPHANY ALEXANDER,

founder of WomanSavers.com

Copyright © 2011 by Rea Frey and Stephany Alexander

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-1198-5

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-1198-1

eISBN 10: 1-4405-1434-8

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-1434-0

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Frey, Rea.

The cheat sheet / Rea Frey and Stephany Alexander.

p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-1198-1

ISBN-10: 1-4405-1198-5

ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-1434-0 (ebk)

ISBN-10: 1-4405-1434-8 (ebk)

1. Men—Sexual behavior. 2. Men—Psychology. 3. Man-woman relationships. I. Alexander, Stephany. II. Title.

HQ28.F74 2011

306.7081—dc22

2011008861

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the

American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Certain sections of this book deal with activities that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. The authors, Adams Media, and F+W Media, Inc. do not accept liability for any injury, loss, legal consequence, or incidental or consequential damage incurred by reliance on the information or advice provided in this book. The information in this book is for entertainment purposes only.

All stories in this book are based on real cheating stories.

Names, situations, and places have been altered to protect those involved.

Compass illustration © istockphoto.com / ULTRA_GENERIC

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

To all of the couples who are building a house:

Remember that love is the foundation,

sex is the exterior,

friendship is the interior,

and a sense of humor is everything else

when the house comes tumbling down.

Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1. It Just Happened

Chapter 2. A Cheating Culture

Chapter 3. It’s Physical

Chapter 4. It’s Emotional

Chapter 5. It’s In My DNA

Chapter 6. People Lack Discipline

Chapter 7. Workplace Affairs

Chapter 8. Online Affairs

Chapter 9. Worst-Case Scenarios

Chapter 10. Picking Up the Pieces

Chapter 11. Making Your Relationship Affair-Proof

Appendix A. Resources

Appendix B. Extras: Cheat-Sheet Tales

Index

Foreword

As a former host to one of the most popular infidelity shows, Cheaters, I have seen my fair share of heartbreak. I’ve seen the mistakes, the humility, and the pain people go through because of affairs. So, how do we deal with this unfortunate part of relationships? In The Cheat Sheet, Ms. Frey and Ms. Alexander delve into this subject matter with full force, wit, and refreshing honesty. Both experts in their own rights, they lay it out: If you think your partner might be cheating on you, they will show you every clue to look for. They will give you tools, a gadget guide, and stellar advice on how to deal with infidelity and how to affair-proof your relationships.

The authors manage to draw the reader into the secret lives of philanderers by giving firsthand accounts of cheating stories. The reader discovers how cheaters justify their acts, handle guilt, cope with double lives, and handle the search for commitment and outside gratification. There are important tips of the trade, valuable to both women and men. The Cheat Sheet is an excellent how-to guide to prevent and uncover cheating—every woman’s secret weapon.

As Ariana Huffington put it, texting is the new lipstick on the collar. Let’s prevent these marks. Let’s catch cheaters, learn to think before we act, and perhaps we can better understand and attempt that ten-letter word we have become so frightened of: commitment.

—TOMMY HABEEB

Actor/Writer/Producer and Host of the TV Show Cheaters

Acknowledgments

The authors would first like to thank the human race and the complexities of love, for without either of these, there would be no need for a book like this; Serendipity Literary Agency, for taking a chance on a difficult but timely subject matter and its very diverse authors; the amazing guidance and effort of Foladé Bell; Adams Media for their steadfast loyalty and support with this book; and Victoria Sandbrook and Jennifer Lawler, editors extraordinaire.

Rea would also like to thank the alphabet; her father for teaching her that alphabet; and Alex, for bringing her true love after a lifetime of imposters. Stephany would like to thank her friends and family who have stuck by her through thick and thin; and the amazing man in her life, David, who restored her faith in men.

Introduction

We’ve all heard stories of cheating. From personal tragedies to high-profile celebrity public disgraces, cheating has reached epidemic proportions. Infidelity is widespread, and it is a serious issue in many relationships today. If your partner is cheating (or you suspect he is), you’ve come to the right place. This book is intended to help you uncover every clue of infidelity, show you what to do if you discover infidelity, and how to prevent affairs from ever happening. If you want to catch a cheater, you must understand why and how someone cheats: what he’s thinking and how he gets away with it. This book is full of signs, tips, tools, and quizzes for those who are or may be dealing with an unfaithful partner.

As authors, we’ve seen our fair share of cheating. Rea spent a year entrenched in the lies and secrets of an affair before realizing that her lover wasn’t actually going to leave his wife. She now understands firsthand the havoc infidelity can wreak and is committed to helping others through that heartache. Stephany founded Woman Savers.com Date Screening Service, a website devoted to giving women a way to research and rate the men in their lives, so they can make smarter and safer dating decisions. Together, we have an unbeatable perspective on what cheaters think they can get away with and how you can find out if your partner is cheating on you.

No matter how well an affair is handled by everyone involved, everyone gets hurt. A relationship that includes infidelity isn’t a relationship. Relationships don’t result in seedy hotels, cash-only bills, erased text messages and secret meetings. If a person is cheating, he isn’t living in reality; he’s living in a hurtful fantasy. That being said, affairs happen every day and if you have suspicions that your partner is being unfaithful, you’re right to worry. It is best to arm yourself with the necessary tools to catch a cheating partner and learn how to prevent this act entirely.

In the book, we’re assuming you’re a woman worried about her male partner cheating, but women and men do cheat on each other in approximately the same numbers, and same-sex couples aren’t immune. The information we give is true and accurate regardless of whether you or your partner is male or female.

Let’s start with some of the most common signs a partner is cheating:

SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING

• Suddenly starts working late

• Turns off a cell phone or leaves the room when taking a call

• Keeps a password you don’t know on his cell phone

• Takes sudden business trips or is gone for unexplained periods of time

• Unusual, out-of-character behavior changes or sudden gift giving

• Goes out more

• Gets defensive when questioned

• Turns phone away when texting so you can’t see the screen

• Unaccounted-for hairs of a different color on clothing

• Dresses up more, changes physical appearance, starts wearing cologne, or asks you to change your appearance

• Stays on the computer for hours and gets jumpy when you enter the room

• Sets computer up to erase history (cache) or erases it manually

• Car radio station is switched to a station different from what either of you listen to

• Passenger seat in the car has been moved and is not in the usual position

• Unexplained cash withdrawals from ATM

• More cash is being spent with no receipts

• Low on cash

• Long phone calls to unexplained numbers

• Brings up a new person in random conversation repeatedly

• Car mileage suddenly goes up

• Discovery of a P.O. Box

• Cigarette smoke or perfume on clothing that can’t be explained

• Secretion stains on underwear

CHEAT-SHEET TIP

If your radar goes up, listen to your intuition. People are usually very in tune with their feelings. Confirming your hunch isn’t that hard in this tech-savvy world. Luckily, a few new gadgets have come out to track a cheating partner (see Chapter 6, the section entitled Cheating Gadget Guide). According to Guy White, a private investigator, you can install devices on your phone to record conversations, and on your computer to check e-mails. Arm yourself. Don’t have the money for gadgets? Buy a wig, some glasses, grab a friend to help you, and follow the suspect. Become your own Nancy Drew. It’s liberating.

WHO CHEATS?

Though cheating statistics are hard to obtain (since many people will not fess up to the act), the consensus is absolute (according to www.menstuff.org): about 50 percent of both women and men cheat on their spouses or significant others.

Stay-at-home parents, executives, writers, artists, scholars, doctors, nurses, journalists, detectives, clergy, politicians, lawyers, and even teens cheat. It crosses gender, professions, age, and ethnicity. According to a poll at WomanSavers.com, African-American women complain the most about cheating partners, and people between the ages of eighteen and sixty cheat the most.

WHAT IS CHEATING?

Before you start dissecting your partner’s actions, you have to decide what really defines cheating. Is there a difference to you between emotional, mental, and physical cheating? Does kissing count as cheating? Telling someone he has feelings for her? Meeting in secret? A little heavy petting? Online flirting? Sex? Full-blown affairs? What about fantasizing? Is that cheating? Is looking at pornography cheating? Is sexting (sexually texting) someone other than you cheating? Is confiding his innermost secrets and feelings to someone of the opposite sex or someone he could be sexually attracted to cheating? What actually constitutes infidelity in your relationship?

Some women may have no problem with viewing pornography, while others may find it offensive and upsetting, especially if viewing pornography takes his mind away from intimacy with you, his real-life partner. What about fantasizing about someone other than you while having sex? Does it make a difference to you if the fantasy is about someone you know versus someone unattainable, like a celebrity? Is there ever an excuse valid enough to condone cheating? To be unfaithful? By discussing some of these questions with your partner, his answers may reveal hidden feelings and actions he thought were harmless or innocent. Like most things, infidelity is not as cut-and-dried as it seems.

In this book, we will discuss all angles of affairs, from that first inkling that something is going on, to every tip, tool, and trick to catching a partner, reconnecting with a partner, leaving a partner, or staying with a partner despite infidelity. Use The Cheat Sheet as your survival guide. Tell your friends, and warn your partners. It’s all here: the good, the bad, and the tricky aspects of cheating and surviving infidelity. Happy sleuthing!

CHAPTER ONE

It Just Happened

Love is a game in which one always cheats.

—HONORÉ DE BALZAC (FRENCH NOVELIST)

CHEAT-SHEET TALE

FALLING INTO ADULTERY

I rolled over and lit a cigarette—it would be my last shared with Luke. I looked at his elbow, slightly ashy, and laughed. Lotion, I said, a plume of smoke disappearing towards the ceiling. You need lotion.

He turned to look at me, already having slipped his wedding band back on. And you need a conscience, he said. He kissed me on the cheek and left. I counted his footsteps down my stairs and rolled over in my marital bed. I wasn’t sure what I had become, and why I didn’t seem to be peppered with guilt about having an affair. Three months ago, I was in a shitty marriage, and then, Luke had just happened, literally appearing out of thin air.

I wasn’t the kind of woman who just met people. I was quiet, cynical even, a painter who did well enough and had a husband who made too much money for a job he couldn’t stand. I was bored. At the farmer’s market, Luke and I fought over the same batch of heirloom tomatoes. We went for coffee. He took my hand at the end of our time together and pressed his lips to my wedding ring.

A shame, he said, buffing it with a handkerchief he pulled from his jacket pocket.

Why do you have a handkerchief? Who has handkerchiefs anymore? And besides, I said, shoving my hand in my pocket, you have one too.

One what? He cocked his head to the side like a small dog who’d just heard some strange noise.

A wedding ring.

Aren’t you observant, he said.

A week later, we were in bed. I don’t know how. It literally just happened. I let it just happen for three months. I lied to my husband about where I was and who I was with, and as soon as he left for work, I called Luke, who would stop whatever he was doing and rush right over to ravage me. After weeks of betrayal, I couldn’t do it anymore. I broke it off and never saw him again, my husband none the wiser.

I figured out what I needed in my marriage was a closeness and intimacy that we had lost over the years. I wanted a friend. I wanted to be appreciated. I didn’t like what my marriage had become.

And so I confessed my sin to my husband over pasta on a random Wednesday. He looked up from his plate of capellini, a glob of tomato sauce glued to his chin.

"Like an affair affair? he asked. When?"

I shrugged. It was a few months back. He wasn’t anybody special.

My husband was calm, so calm that it unnerved me. Have you had one too? I asked. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, which told me yes. Oddly, I felt relieved. Oddly, I felt normal and connected to him in a way that I hadn’t in years. Because of our admissions, we worked it out. We went to therapy—something I had always rejected—and worked through our issues. Through brutal honesty, endless hours of communication, and ample willingness, we have found our way to happiness again.

HOW CHEATERS GET AWAY WITH CHEATING

Cheaters often talk about how the affair just happened. But in many cases, a lot of planning goes into cheating. The entire concept of cheating is based on secrecy. To lie and deceive, there has to be forethought and planning that goes into each and every action. Your partner can’t just stumble in at midnight and say, I was out with the boys, and expect you to believe him. Cheaters come up with proper alibis, excuses, and often cover their tracks by erasing all the evidence.

You may think your partner isn’t having an affair just because he doesn’t leave any obvious clues around. But you may be surprised to learn what is actually a clue. The most common clues are left around the house, or can be found simply in the way his behavior patterns change. If you have that gut feeling your partner could be straying, look for the following traces of infidelity:

1. Perfume: If he just bought you a new perfume, it could be because it’s the same perfume his new lover uses. By using the same scent, you won’t be suspicious if you smell it on him. If he did buy you a new perfume, tell him you love it, but don’t wear it. See if you can smell a different scent on him, which is a strong clue that he is cheating.

2. Paper Trail: If you are curious as to what he’s been buying, check his credit card statements. These might be online (check his e-mail) or search in a filing cabinet. If the bills don’t have any unusual items or charges, he could be using cash to pay for everything, so pay attention to unexplained ATM withdrawals, or if he is cashing his checks instead of depositing them. Question him about his spending or propose that you would like to sit down and go over your financials and get on more of a budget. You might even offer to take care of the finances completely. If he seems resistant to this or