Love Him, Love His Kids: The Stepmother's Guide to Surviving and Thriving in a Blended Family

Love

Him,

Love

His

Kids

The Stepmother’s Guide to Surviving

and Thriving in a Blended Family

___________________________________________________

STAN WENCK, EdD AND CONNI E J. HANSEN, MS

Copyright © 2009 Simon and Schuster

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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ISBN-10: 1-59869-894-X

ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-894-7

eISBN: 978-1-44051-385-5

Printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

INTRODUCTION

PART ONE: STARTING OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT

CHAPTER 1

Meeting His Kids and Building Relationships

CHAPTER 2

Helping Resistant, Shy, and Special Children

CHAPTER 3

Establishing Yourself as a New Couple

CHAPTER 4

What’s Our Address?

CHAPTER 5

Custody Arrangements with His (and Maybe) Your Kids

PART TWO: DAY -TO-DAY LIFE

CHAPTER 6

Listening and Relating to His Kids’ Biological Mom

CHAPTER 7

Sharing Daddy with His Kids

CHAPTER 8

Creating Family Rituals of Your Own

CHAPTER 9

Disciplining Stepkids

CHAPTER 10

Basic Duties and Responsibilities

PART THREE: ACHIEVING LONG-TERM SUCCESS

CHAPTER 11

Surviving Holidays, Birthdays, and Vacations

CHAPTER 12

Religion and Culture

CHAPTER 13

(Step)Money Matters

CHAPTER 14

When to Call 911

CHAPTER 15

Job Satisfaction for the Effective Stepmom

BIBLIOGRAPHY AND RESOURCES

Acknowledgments

Only two names appear on this book’s cover, but so many more have contributed to its completion. A special note of gratitude is extended to Kevin P. Erb for his conscientious editing and formatting. Appreciation is also extended to Dr. Diana Osborne and Nancy Shirley, MSW, for their insightful and candid manuscript critiques.

Lessons learned over the years from colleagues, clients, students, and friends provided much insight and have aided in framing our philosophy. Encouragement from this group helped us manage uncertain moments.

Perhaps most of all, we are indebted to some seventy veteran stepmoms who granted interviews and responded to our questionnaire. These moms who have been there provided an intimate knowledge available from no other source. Their views on preparing for successful stepmotherhood, what to expect, and what to do about it constitute the real core of this book. Their insights fill every page of Love Him, Love His Kids.

Finally, this work is dedicated to our families and friends. We thank them all for their enthusiasm, patience, and support during this book’s creation.

Introduction

You already know the bad news: Census reports show that nearly 50 percent of first marriages fail. But did you know that around 67 percent of second marriages fail, and approximately 70 to 75 percent of subsequent marriages fail?

What is the number one cause of failure in a second or third marriage? You guessed it: The challenges of incorporating stepkids into the relationship. Not only do you face the everyday challenges of marriage and maintaining a harmonious union, you’re now adding children into the mix. When you blend families, you throw a bunch of new people under the same roof (full- or part-time), yet you still have to juggle the rigors and responsibilities of daily life, meet everyone’s needs, set new priorities, and get to work on time. It seems overwhelming—because it often is.

You may have heard horror story after horror story from stepfamilies trying to adjust to their new lives. We like to think that successful stepfamily partners are usually quieter about their situations—that’s why you don’t hear their stories! Yes, creating a successful stepfamily may be a daunting and difficult task, but it can happen. And it can bring you incredible rewards and happiness. Our objectives in writing this book were twofold: (1) to help you anticipate and accept your challenges, and (2) to assist you in developing a positive success story.

While writing this book, we interviewed numerous therapists, ministers, and counselors, as well as divorced, single, married, and remarried persons. Instead of just burying our noses in books, we went out and asked people who’d done it for their advice. We surveyed scores of current and former stepmoms, asking questions like:

• What should women know about the father of their future stepchildren before marrying him?

• How do his prior marriages and relationships affect your life?

• Where should the new family live?

We also asked about custody, visitation, discipline, money, and basic responsibility issues. We compiled their information with our own professional observations to give you a complete picture of what’s ahead.

For Those Yet to Make a Commitment

For those of you who are simply in a relationship with someone who has children, or are about to be married to someone with children, take this opportunity to educate yourself about what might lay ahead.

First, be sure you and your partner are really right for each other. Although opposites attract is a catchy phrase, most relationship authorities suggest that similarities, not differences, make for enduring partnerships. Be sure you see honest and mutual disclosure of such issues as finances, health, job stability, life goals, and interests early in your relationship. Also, note his track record in previous relationships. His habits will most likely play out again, no matter how wonderful you might be. Most psychologists report that one’s track record is one of the best predictors of future behavior.

Beyond personality traits, it’s important to decide whether both of you are ready for a serious relationship. Do either of you have unfinished emotional business? Consider your own history and learn why your previous marriage or relationship ended. It’s often difficult to determine what you could have done differently to obtain a more positive outcome from a failed relationship—what’s important is that you set realistic expectations for your next relationship. Your expectations may be so unrealistic that your marriage and role of stepparent might be destined to fail before you begin. That’s never a good start. Before you even begin considering the specifics of how to maintain a positive stepparenting household, you must identify exactly what your own personal needs are as a woman and a person. Ask yourself some very insightful and heartfelt questions like the following:

• What kind of person and father is this guy? Is he trustworthy?

• Are you willing to share your husband with someone else?

• Do you, as the adult, always expect to have the last word?

• How much invasion of your personal space can you tolerate?

• Are you willing to change how you approach holidays and vacations?

• Are you willing to change where you live?

• Can you learn to accept the children of another woman and treat them with respect?

• How do you feel about someone other than your own children’s father in the role of decision maker and disciplinarian?

If the mere thought of addressing these things frightens you, you may need to reconsider the proposition of remarriage and stepparenthood. Or maybe you just need more time to contemplate some of the thought-provoking issues and resolves addressed in this book.

How to Use This Book

Most of us can identify with the topics included in this book’s table of contents (page iii). You will probably easily pinpoint your concerns and the particular issues that are characteristic of your personal situation. Even if you think you only have problems in a certain area, please read the whole book anyway. You’ll find plenty of practical tips, realistic considerations, new ideas, and thought-provoking questions to help you understand the big picture and thrive as a stepparent. You may also find answers to problems you hadn’t anticipated. We’ll tackle the most common situations you’ll face:

• Recognizing and supporting the varied and special needs children have

• The often touchy issues of religious preferences and custody arrangements

• Dealing with and cooperating with the mother of his children

• Learning how to share your new husband with his children without resentment

• Developing your own rituals for holidays and vacations as a new family

• Assigning chores—to everyone

• Establishing yourself as a parent in the household

• Knowing when to get professional help

• Disclosing all financial obligations

In short—we’ll talk about the sticky situations no one else wants to talk about!

The Joy That Awaits You

Yes, stepparenting can be challenging. But it can also be immensely rewarding—your hard work really is worth it. So much joy can come from hearing your husband’s child say, Thank you for being my mom! Many loving, lifelong bonds are created this way. Being a stepmom can be the most rewarding, satisfying, and productive role you have ever played.

Why Us?

We’re uniquely qualified to write a book about stepparenting— we’ve both been there, done that. Here’s a little bit about our backgrounds.

Dr. Stan Wenck

After growing up in Iowa with parents who were married until they passed away, I became a father, divorce survivor, and stepdad to three strapping teenage stepsons. Did the boys and I have issues? Emphatically yes! Plus, I had a front-row seat to the ongoing relationship dilemmas between my two teenage daughters and their stepmom.

Personal details aside, I’m also a clinical psychologist and was a university professor. I’ve heard hundreds of accounts of relationship disputes and disasters involving stepmoms, step-dads, and stepkids, which all too often ended in divorce. I now believe that most of the misunderstandings, clashes, and festering resentments that destroy marriages are avoidable. If wise choices and adjustments are made early on, many unions with problems and challenges might still work. Almost anything’s fixable unless it’s too far gone. Tragically, we then throw it away and open up another marriage. I knew I could help others in the same situations that I encountered in my personal and professional life, and I knew stepmoms who would be willing to share their successes, failures, and ideas. This book was born.

Before we wrote this book, Connie and I developed a fifteen-question Stepmom Survey that highlighted the step-parenting issues we deemed most crucial. More than sixty stepmoms and former stepmoms revealed what their fellow stepmoms should know prior to marriage (or making a major commitment). They shared their personal experiences, struggles, coping strategies, and successes in relating to their stepchildren. Some responses were what we expected. Others were totally unanticipated, surprising, insightful, creative, and humorous. This material, from people like you and me, became the core of Love Him, Love His Kids.

Connie and I also did our research, of course, so the book has everything you need to establish a successful stepparenting relationship. We hope that this book will give you both preventive and healing strategies in forming healthy and happy relationships between you and your current or future stepchildren. We would appreciate any comments, suggestions, and/or experiences regarding any part of this book. Please visit the Contact Us link at www.hansenandwenck.com. E-mails will be kept in confidence.

Connie J. Hansen

I have served as a teacher and educator in Indiana for more than thirty years. Over the years, I’ve also conducted workshops involving interpersonal communications, family, child relationships, staff development, and more.

I never intended to become an educator. My undergraduate background is in theatre and communications (two great assets when dealing with stepparenting!). I loved every minute of my time with both. As I did graduate work toward a degree in education, I found I could put the two together. I became a certified Reading Specialist in my school corporation and also provided direct services for children in need. Much of my time was spent with high-risk children who had both academic and emotional needs. With the divorce rate so high, many of my students came from one-parent or stepparent homes. Serving on our Crisis Intervention Team, I saw firsthand the challenges of making blended families work successfully. I also experienced those challenges in my personal life, as I became a stepmom. I used that knowledge and experience in writing this book, along with the invaluable input from stepmoms who talked with us and completed our survey. Many of the responses we received were poignant and sincere, and many were filled with the results of frustrating and unsuccessful efforts at making a seemingly impossible situation . . . possible.

It is our hope that you find this book filled with understanding, compassion, and great strategies for making your relationships happy. We hope it also provides you with a smile or two as well. You are not alone. In the jungle of stepparenting there are many of us who have made our way along the same paths, and I’m sure you will think we are speaking directly to you. Enjoy. And remember: It is possible!

Part One

Starting Off

on the

Right Foot

Chapter 1

Meeting His Kids and

Building Relationships

Tomorrow is the big day—I’m meeting his kids for the first time. I wonder what they’re like. I want them to like me because I can be a really positive force in their lives. Mostly what they’ll need from me is a little guidance, love, and attention. I wonder how they get along with each other? I know they will be loving and appreciative just like their father. I can teach them so many things. I just want to be a good model for them.

Would the words, well-meaning, realistic, or naive best describe these initial thoughts? Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

Have an Open Mind

Veteran stepmoms would probably laugh out loud at that quote (from hindsight, of course). They know that it’s important not to make unrealistic assumptions up front—you can’t assume the kids will or won’t act a certain way when you meet them. And, of course, you’ll need to be patient and approach the situation with an open mind.

Before you meet your future stepchildren, try to stand in their shoes. To understand others, we need to look at things through their eyes. These kids may be a little anxious, scared, and angry. They may be blaming you for stealing their daddy, or being the primary reason their lives were disrupted. (Pages 12–13 teach the technique of active listening and nurturing your new stepkids’ unique abilities, interests, and needs; we’ll talk more about this subject then.)

If you take the time to understand where they’re coming from, you’ll be much more able to provide the answers and support they need when they need it. These are the first steps of building trust and becoming a confidant and positive role model.

When Should I Meet Them?

If you are at the point where you are about to meet his children for the first time, you’re probably several months into your relationship. If logistics allow, wait until you both have made some type of commitment before meeting his children. Why? Younger kids, especially, could become attached and then disappointed if the relationship, for whatever reason, does not continue. Let’s look at two main factors that should help determine when you meet his kids: their age and how many there are.

How Old Are the Kids?

Their age, of course, and with which parent they will live are pivotal in how you approach the situation and what your expectations should be on this first encounter:

• Younger children may be a little easier to approach. And again, attachments and bonding happen much more quickly.

• Teenagers and older children, depending upon their maturity level and impressions of the relationship, may be more hesitant before beginning to trust a newcomer like you. If they’re used to having Dad exclusively and like things the way they are, gaining their acceptance will very likely be more challenging.

• Adult children, as well, may be quite reserved before granting their approval. Obviously, adult children might be less involved in your daily lives, but they will be just as concerned about their dad’s happiness and your intentions. (One of our former stepmoms reported fearing actual physical danger from a stepson-in-law who viewed her as a new competitor for his father-in-law’s fortune, on which he had feasted for years. The situation is rare, but it happens.)

In this chapter, we will focus primarily on children still in the nest, since they will have the biggest impact on your relationship.

How Many Are There?

As you can imagine, three new stepchildren make for a more complex situation than just one. Each child is different; each has his own loyalties. But they also have a personality as a group and need to be won over as a group.

And they know that there is strength in numbers. They may try to toy with you to test your character, resolve, and strength of will. (That may sound like something out of a movie, but it does happen to some degree.) Developing a relationship with a group is not impossible—it simply takes more time. It’s better to wait as long as you can before meeting a group of his kids.

Preparing to Meet Them

You and your partner have probably spent many hours discussing the children involved on both sides. That’s great—you want to find out what you can about their needs, characteristics, likes, and dislikes. Be careful, however, to allow yourself the freedom to explore their personalities from your own perspective as well. After all, few biological parents are totally objective about their children! Knowing this, you might also ask his friends (or other people you know who’ve met his kids) about them.

Though you want to get some background on the kids, don’t overthink the situation. If you obsessively plan out your