A Checklist For Every Parent

A Checklist For Every Parent

A Checklist For Every Parent

40 Questions

Ngcwelekazi Gwegwe - M

Copyright © 2016 Ngcwelekazi Gwegwe - M

First edition 2016

Published by Ngcwele Gwegwe at Smashwords

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Edited by Lorna King for Reach Publishers

Cover designed by Reach Publishers

Website: www.reachpublishers.co.za

E-mail: [email protected]

Dedication

Please let us have a dedication

Acknowledgements

My late grandmother, Mrs Madlamini Eleanor Senene, for making me who I am today through her concrete mentorship on the mystery of God, a revelation on raising children in God’s principles.

My mothers who have ministered to my physical needs, Mrs Mamjoli Pasclina Gwegwe, Mrs Mamjoli Sylvia Diko, my aunts, uncles and many others who have played a parental role in my life.

For the elders of the Methodist Church of South Africa at Ncumbe Society, Dumsi Mission in Ntabankulu Eastern Cape, who gave me a foundation in Christianity and an opportunity to lead the youth at a very young age.

At the Church of Pentecost International, all South African districts, especially the Butterworth and East London districts: Pastor Evans Akuffo, who introduced the Lord Jesus Christ to me and fathered me in my early stages of salvation; Pastor Eric Nyameyke; Pastor Zola Mahlakatha; Pastor Cameron Sikrweqe; Pastor Joseph Bentil; Pastor Isaac Gift Okori; Apostle Asiedu; Apostle Appiah; and Apostle Kudjoe. All these men of God, their wives, and the leadership of both districts, have given me a platform to lead the youth.

Pastor Andile Ndanda and his wife Zoleka, for their inspirational teachings, prayers and an opportunity to lead the youth as well as the Back to the Foundation Ministries.

My darling husband, Mr Ladislas Kangaji Mutunda, for his outstanding contribution, love, prayers, support and assistance on research.

My awesome first-born son and friend Lonke, and my wonderful daughter Favor, for teaching me to be an outstanding parent.

The youth who have crossed my path in various churches, communities, conferences and camps, including Go Getters Network, for expanding my territory as a parent.

Finally, I dedicate this book to all parents.

Foreword

This is an inspirational and useful tool for all parents across all ages, religions, academic backgrounds, as well as race, culture and tradition, for domestic use and can be used as a teaching in youth gatherings.

Parenting comes naturally from God. It is a package in the heart of every parent irrespective of age, colour, literacy, level of education, wealth, poverty or connections. But one thing parents may not realise is that parenting is a calling – it is a ministry. Therefore, God will, from time to time, inspire his writers to unveil the mystery of parenting. I have studied various books and researched articles on parenting, raising children, poor behaviour by youth, and so on, and have an extensive analysis on the following:

The relationship between the youth and violence;

Poor behaviour and crime statistics committed by youth around the world;

Violence in schools which disrupts the education system;

Psychological remedies to treat poor behaviour in children and the youth;

Psychological parental best practices; and lastly

Philosophy around child behaviour.

Psychologists think that a number of early childhood factors might contribute to the development of a psychopathic or sociopathic personality. These factors include having an emotionally unstable parent, parental rejection, lack of love during childhood, and inconsistent discipline.

According to Kohlberg (1969), an American psychologist, best known for his theory of stages of moral development there is a correlation between violent youth and lack of moral development. Non-violent youth have more developed morality than violent youth. Studies of human behaviour argue that no one is born with violent motives, but violence is conceived and develops into action due to frequent exposure and experience, states Bandura (1977), a behaviourist and social learning theorist. Further research states that misbehaving children and violent youth are influenced by the behaviour of their own parents.

One could argue that Christianity is not the only religion that has answers and best strategies when it comes to parenting, the welfare of children, and the best tactics to combat poor behaviour of children. It is true that other religions do play a meaningful role in sustaining the morale of our people; hence the book also covers the following:

Buddhism best parenting strategies.

Hinduism best parenting strategies.

Islam best parenting strategies.

Judaism best parenting strategies.

When parents fail to train their children well, they are dumped into the education system in the hope that teachers will perform miracles.

Education is society’s last hope of grooming children and youth. We have also looked at how education impacts on bad behaviour displayed by children and youth, and this is something which is strongly recommended by great philosophers.

Having looked at psychologists and philosophers’ books, research articles, and practices and strategies of various religious sectors on remedies to combat the bad behaviour of our youth, the aim of this book is to help parents raise well-adjusted youth, as well as to help prevent and cure poor behaviour. There is a saying that when everything fails, God is the solution.

The message of this book is to:

Revive what parents may already know;

Restore the confidence of parents who have been undermined by technology and current times;

Call parents to be more vigilant against destruction of their youth;

Offer practical guidance to parents on how to parent go-getters – children who will make a significant impact on the nation and among peers.

Make parents aware of what they may be overlooking or taking for granted as they raise their children.

I have worked with children, teenagers, and youth all of my life. From an early age – as a child raised in the church – I was involved in extramural activities including drama on Bible based stories, and ministering during Christmas and Passover celebrations in the church. I have become a mentor and youth leader in every denomination I have been in, and conduct counselling on a regular basis on relationships between young people and their parents.

Recently I established a Go Getters Network running conferences, conventions, and motivational camps for young people to get them back on track through unleashing their potential, assisting them discover their dreams and their destiny, giving them a platform to participate in projects, and assigning mentors to them as they jump out of the box.

In the checklist section there is a list of 40 critical questions that are discussed as the book unfolds, which covers your child’s entire world. As a parent, among other things, you will be equipped to:

Understand which category you fall into as a parent, and what the reward is for being a successful parent;

Understand the elements on the changes in the role, care of, and priorities of children in the 21st century;

Prepare your child to be victorious over peer pressure and addiction to social networks;

Instil soft skills in your child;

Make your child understand a good family structure;

Make your child understand his or her body stages;

Lead your child to a perfect destiny and to balance that with his or her educational career;

Build your child’s strong inner personality;

Build your child’s attitude;

Ensure your child will not be shaken even if you are no longer there;

Raise a patriot – a child who will love and serve his nation; and

Plant your training, and be guaranteed it will never be uprooted.

I guarantee success to any parent who goes through this checklist and raises these issues with his or her child. It doesn’t matter the age – the child can be younger than 10 years, a teenager, young adult, or even adult. But please ensure you have gone into detail with your child regarding the checklist.

As a parent, try as much as possible to talk about everything with your child. When the child asks you anything, you must respond. I know there are subjects like sex that are taboo in our society, and when a child asks about it, you, the parent, panic, shout at the child, and never give a straight answer. When the child takes the question to his or her peers, they explain the answer, which results in the child gradually putting confidence in strangers rather than you. Eventually, you are no longer asked questions, and your child trusts their peers for guidance in life. Your child must always know that no one is cleverer than their parents.

I was meditating, preparing to share a message for the service when Proverbs 22:6 caught my eye. I remember responding aloud saying, I am teaching my son the Word of God.

The Lord responded, Teaching is good, but ‘training’ is going against all odds to ensure that the trainee gets it right and bears fruit. If the trainee fails, the trainer puts in more effort until the trainee perfects the game. Training does not entertain the feelings of the trainee. Training steps over the territory of the trainee. For a football player – or any other sports player for that matter – to be able to score goals, he needs to practice, investing time in the gym, jogging and running, losing weight, and eating the right food.

With musicians as well, a lot of exercise is involved: voice training, drinking hot water, keeping your body warm, and sometimes even drinking raw eggs to perfect the voice. The focus of training is to achieve set goals and produce a balanced, destined child.

At a recent gathering with Arthur Lenk, the Israeli ambassador to South Africa, I personally engaged him on the secret of Israeli education principles, referring to my research on Israel being among the top 10 countries in the world with the best education system. He concurred that parental education is the foundation and core to their success in education.

Contents

Acknowledgements

Foreword

1. Youth Behaviour And Its Relation To Violence And Crime

2. Best Parental Principles From Psychological, Philosophical And Religious Points Of View And Remedies To Combat Youths’ Poor Behaviour

3 There Are Only Three Things A Child Needs

4 How Eaglets Are Trained

5 Changes Affecting Children In The 21st Century

6 Categories Of Parents

7 Parenting As A Steward

8 The Reward

9 Outlining Proverbs 22:6

10 Details On The Checklist For Every Parent – 40 Questions

Conclusion

List Of References

1

Youth Behaviour And Its Relation To Violence And Crime

As parents, you will remember how innocent your child was when you laid eyes on him for the first time. At that stage he did not seem to have any character. He did not seem to have the potential to get so angry that he could kill someone. He did not seem to have the ability to being cheeky, not to mention the ability to backchat. As innocent as the baby was, he did not have the potential to be selfish.

A baby is receptive and responds to his five senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. Take a moment and reflect on your childhood. What can you remember about your first smell of hospital air or baby powder?

Can you remember anything about the first thing you saw? Was it perhaps your mom and dad smiling at you? What was your first taste? Breast milk? What did you touch? Mom’s hand? What did you first hear? Your own cry or screams of excitement around you? This means you, the child, have always been around your parent(s) from the very first seconds of your life. A child is innocent and doesn’t object to any kind of training. He doesn’t know what is right or wrong. He totally depends on the information and direction given by the parents.

If the conduct of parents around their children involves abusing alcohol or drugs or begging for food, shouting, or stealing from the neighbours, children will do exactly the same, and in time will pass the same behaviour on to their own children.

In simple language my advice to you is this. As a parent, take advantage of your child’s innocence now and create what you want to see in him. The role of parents should be simply to love the child unconditionally, not forgetting discipline. Balancing love and discipline is very crucial in parenting, and when they are lacking, studies show it can lead to antisocial behaviour.

1.1 Youth violence according to psychological theories

The following extract is taken from Review of the Roots of Youth Violence: Literature Reviews Volume 5, Chapter 2 done by Ontorio, Ministry of Children and Youth services, April 27, 2010.

Studies of family life, for example, show that aggressive children often model the violent behaviors of their parents. Studies have also found that people who live in violent communities learn to model the aggressive behavior of their neighbors (Bartol, 2002).

Psychologists think that a number of early childhood factors might contribute to the development of a psychopathic or sociopathic personality. These factors include having an emotionally unstable parent, parental rejection, lack of love during childhood and inconsistent discipline. Young children – in the first three years of life – who do not have the opportunity to emotionally bond with their mothers, experience a sudden separation from their mothers, or see changes in their mother figures, are at particularly high risk of developing a psychopathic personality.

Youth in the 21st century are growing in a new space – the space of media, television, video games, cellphones and internet which exposes them to a lot of information without the guidance of the parents. In most cases they are exposed to violence, nudity, harsh language, sex and other demonic actions, and spending hours exposed to such can be harmful to them.

The following extract from Childhood Exposure to Media Violence predicts young adult aggressive behaviour, According to a 15-year study, March 9, 2003.

Research by psychologists L. Rowell Huesmann, Jessica Moise-Titus, Cheryl-Lynn Podolski, M.A and Leonard D. Eron of the University of Michigan starting in the 1980s found that children who watched many hours of violence on television when they were in elementary school tended to show higher levels of aggressive behavior when they became teenagers. By observing these participants into adulthood, Huesmann and Eron found that the ones who’d watched a lot of TV violence when at 8 years old were more likely to be arrested and prosecuted for criminal acts as adults. Being aggressive as a child did not predict watching more violent TV as a teenager. It was rather suggesting that TV watching could be a cause rather than a consequence of aggressive behavior. However, later research by psychologists Douglas Gentile and Brad Bushman, among others, suggested that exposure to media violence is just one of several factors that can contribute to aggressive behavior.

1.2 Child behavioural disorders

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, children may have disorders that include among others, anxiety, severe depression, bipolar, attention-deficit, learning, eating, conduct and schizophrenic. Children misbehave due to a lot of reasons, and researchers are still trying to find suitable solutions to these problems.

Findings on child disorders are described as particular mental, emotional, and behavioural disorders that may occur during childhood and adolescence. All can have a serious impact on a child’s overall health. Some disorders are more common than others, and conditions range from mild to severe. Often, a child has more than one disorder.

1.3 What influences children to commit crime?

Three teenagers in Florida, USA were charged with the brutal crime of dousing another teenager with a flammable liquid and setting him on fire – all because of some faction fights. Children whose families have one or more of the characteristics listed below, are more likely to be involved in crime.

Parents are involved in crime;

Poor parental supervision;

Erratic discipline or parents treat children harshly;

Low or no family income; family is isolated;

Family conflict;

Lack of communication between children and parents;

Lack of respect and responsibility among family members;

Abuse and neglect of children;

Family violence;

Family breakup, due to separation or divorce;

Rejection;

Various disorders;

Bullying from peers or at school;

Sibling fights due to parental favouritism;

Societal violence.

As a motivational speaker and life coach, I have encouraged as many as I have come across. Encouragement begins with simple words, cheering people up, appreciating them, and complimenting them. I have made it a habit to make people smile, laugh, feel better, and look forward to the good things God has in store for them.

I could not believe what happened when I was driving one night along the beachfront in East London, South Africa. It was a very cold night of 15th May 2006 when I came across a group of young beautiful girls standing at the side of the road half naked. The Lord told me to stop the car and talk to them. They came running to the car, assuming I was a potential client. Once they realised I was a woman, they left and went back to where they had been standing. I called them, but some ran away. Some were very rude, but a few tried to listen.

From that night I became a frequent motivator at the spots where prostitutes get picked up by their clients. One night as I was praying for a young girl, she told me to uproot the generational curse. I asked how she knew that, and she told me her mother was a prostitute and so was her grandmother. As a young girl her mother would bring men to their home and share them with her. She was actually trained by her mother to be a prostitute.

Their stories vary from heartbrokenness to betrayal, and most of them confessed that the divorce of their parents left them crushed and broken, which led them to the streets. I give glory to the Lord that I have not seen again in the streets some of the girls I have ministered the Word of God to. Some requested money to go home that very moment, but the biggest victory was when some girls from the streets made a decision to turn their lives around after hearing of the love of God. We placed them in decent homes and even took some back to school.

A 15-year-old girl was rescued after someone noticed her walking barefoot wearing only her pyjamas several blocks from her home. Police learned of the alleged torture and starvation of the young girl, who said her father and stepmother had locked her in the basement and forced her to drink her own urine. The girl weighed only 15kg and had not yet reached puberty due to her years of malnutrition and alleged mistreatment.

The girl told police that if she tried to leave the basement and go upstairs, an alarm would go off. She survived by eating things off the floor, and occasionally finding things when she rummaged through the garbage. The basement also had no bathroom.

Most sexually abused children tell the same story. Either they were afraid to tell their mothers, or they were threatened with death if they disclosed the secret. Some brave girls who finally broke the silence on abuse, were either faced with mothers who didn’t believe them, or their mothers threatened them to not ever repeat the story, as a means of protecting their marriage. Additionally, many children confess to having been trained by their own parents on witchcraft and the occult.

Once while doing a particular project, I had to lodge in a home, sharing my food with the family. There were lots of children, and they did not have much to cover their needs. At breakfast everyone ate porridge, and as there was no sugar, the father asked his seven-year-old son to fetch a packet of sugar from his car. I was shocked when the father used the sugar for his porridge only, then asked his son to take it back to the car before anyone could use it. He did offer some to me since I was a guest, but his own kids, including his wife, ate the porridge as is.

What kind of behavioural training was that father ushering into his own home? As a gesture of appreciation for staying in their home, I bought some groceries and cooked quite a big evening meal. After dishing up for everyone, there was still plenty for the next day. The children appreciated the meal and complimented me nonstop, but a few hours after dinner I went to the kitchen and all the pots were clean. Each child had dished an extra plate and hidden it somewhere in the house – under the bed, on top of the wardrobe, behind the stove, wherever they thought no one would find it. The next day the children had something to eat – but not the adults. They had learned from their father.

There’s another story of a German couple who locked their eight-month-old baby in the boot of their car in a parking lot, simply because they wanted to attend a music festival, but had no babysitter. The child was found overheated and rushed to hospital.

As I share these stories, I’m beginning to realise that many people have scars from their childhood as a result of one or both parents. It’s a sad state of affairs, but the good news is that no matter what your relationship was like and how many scars you have as a result, the Lord can reach in, heal the past and set you free.

A parent is meant to mould the child’s character and build good principles or moral codes that the family believes in. The way a child acts, speaks, and thinks is strongly influenced by its upbringing. That’s an awesome responsibility, isn’t it? Praise the Lord that He is able to give parents the wisdom if they ask for it.

1.4 Statistics of youth crime and violence

The following extract of Youth Violence statistics is according to Fact Sheet No 356 reviewed in October 2015 by the World Health Organisation (WHO).

Worldwide an estimated 200 000 homicides occur among youth 10-29 years of age each year. This is 43% of the total number of homicides globally each year. Youth homicide rates vary dramatically between and within countries. However, in all countries, young males constitute both the majority of perpetrators