Making Peace: A Guide to Overcoming Church Conflict

publication.

INTRODUCTION

It was Sunday morning, the day after our report of findings to First Church. I was making my way to the pulpit to give announcements and welcome visitors to morning worship.

I had been the intentional interim pastor for six weeks already, spending ten hours a day, three days a week interviewing 209 current and former members. The findings were alarming.

First Church was in deep crisis. Attendance had dropped from five hundred to less than two hundred. In addition to interviewing current members, I had sent a letter to 119 families who had left the church in the past three years, asking them to tell me their story. Ninety-six people wrote back. Most sent multipage letters stapled to their survey. Story after story recounted anger, pain, and sorrow from unreconciled wounds. For most, this was the first contact from the church since they had left—months or years before.

The night before I had asked the entire governing board to resign and for the church to be placed on emergency rehabilitation status under the direction of the denomination. It was now my task to lead the church through the process of confronting, confessing, and reconciling the conflict.

I made my way to the lectern with two concerns: first, that the church face the crisis honestly and directly, and, second, to see the coming weeks as an opportunity to see God work.

The congregation was buzzing with handshakes and whispers. A few latecomers found their seats, and several parents hushed their children. We welcome you to our worship service this morning, I began. We are glad you are here. Most lifted their heads when they heard me say: And we offer a special welcome to those of you who may be visiting with us for the first time. You need to know that this is a sick church.

With those words, all the normal fidgeting and paper shuffling that goes on during announcements came to an abrupt halt. The sanctuary became stone quiet. People wondered if they had heard me correctly. Did he say sick? I paused, then continued.

The good news is that we know we are sick and that we are determined to change. So we invite you to come back over the following weeks and see what God is going to do in our midst.

After the service, two of the former elders made a straight line toward me. Both were offended and angry at my announcement.

Why? I asked. It is a true statement. We are a sick church.

This flustered them because they thought their reasons were obvious. Every church has problems, one man said. We are not that much worse than others. There is no perfect church, the other elder reminded me. We talked about their concerns and, having heard their point, I agreed that the word sick should not be used again. (The next week I said the church was not healthy.)

In the intervening months, God was gracious to reconcile past conflicts and set this church on a course of restoration. After six months, my work was done, and it was time for me to leave.

When I completed my final report to the congregation, a couple came up to me and said, We want you to know that the first Sunday we visited here was the day you said, ‘This is a sick church’ from the pulpit. We could not believe you said that. We had been in a lot of sick churches before. This was the only place we heard a pastor admit it publicly. We knew we had to stay—just to see what God was going to do.

When church leaders and members are willing to honestly accept, openly confess, and intentionally address the underlying causes of church conflict, God will repair and restore the church. It starts with being truthful about current reality—with admitting we are sick. In the pages that follow you will learn why churches become unhealthy and how God wants to heal them so they may become thriving communities of faith.

You may be facing some level of conflict in your church or your life right now. Whatever your situation—private or public—and whoever you are—pastor or lay leader—the church is the place God would have you reconcile.

This book collects the lessons and experiences of more than ten years’ work in church-conflict reconciliation. In that time, the ministry my wife and I founded—Metanoia Ministries—has conducted more than two dozen church assessments of congregations in deep conflict. Each church we served received a comprehensive evaluation involving from twelve weeks to two years of reconciliation work. These churches represent eleven different denominations, with weekly attendance from one hundred to fifteen hundred people.

During this period I also served five deeply conflicted churches as an intentional interim pastor. An intentional interim pastor is a change agent charged with the specific, temporary task of guiding a church through a season of healing, reconciliation, and systemic change.

Beyond this, we have served hundreds of pastors and lay leaders in conflict reconciliation and spiritual formation. Hardly a week goes by that we do not receive a call from a pastor, denomination leader, or elder seeking advice and counsel for an urgent conflict.

The following pages will reveal stories of real people and actual churches in conflict (though all names have been changed).¹ You will undoubtedly see yourself and your situation in some of these accounts. More important, you will be guided to look into Scripture for principles and procedures you can use in your church to anticipate and resolve conflict and, in many cases, prevent it altogether.

While we will recommend many practical principles you may apply to your church, Making Peace is a why book, not a how-to book. The lordship of Jesus Christ, not method, should be the object and subject of your search for answers. If you are in conflict now, I commend you first to prayer and to the Scriptures before applying any principle in this book. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into truth and to give you discernment. Ultimately this book is not about conflict as much as it is about the church, about what we have lost and what God desires His people to become.

Do not use this book as a proof text to bolster your argument for any given dispute. As George MacDonald once wrote, Few men do more harm than those who, taking the right side, dispute for personal victory, and argue, as they are then sure to do, ungenerously.²

God would rather you be reconciled than right. A broken and contrite heart is what God desires.

Making Peace is divided into three parts. Part 1 is essential to understanding the theological and ecclesiological foundations for resolving church conflict. Read this first. If you are desperate for answers addressed in later chapters, I still urge you to read chapters 1 through 3 first. A primary premise of this book is that reconciliation is not a set of principles to be followed but a life to be lived. In fact, the principles and methods offered in this book are powerless apart from your receiving the fundamental call to embody a way of life shaped by the Cross.

We’ll explore the root causes of conflict and theological basis for the church as the instrument of reconciliation in chapters 1 and 2. In chapter 3 we’ll see what spiritual leadership would look like in a church that embodies biblical community.

Part 2 introduces the premise that all church conflict is always about leadership. How leaders respond to conflict determines if, when, and how the conflict is reconciled. Chapter 4 explores a biblical view of conflict with a challenge to see every conflict as an opportunity to claim and take part in God’s redemptive purpose. We are, all of us, called to a ministry of reconciliation; that is, living into the grace we claim.

Chapters 5 through 8 discuss the four common response styles to conflict. You will find yourself in one or more of these styles. Each is negative and will always make the conflict worse. Yet we employ these passive, evasive, defensive, or aggressive conflict styles because they are habits and practices that have been learned and hardened over a life of disagreements and struggles. They have become part of our character, a way of thinking and acting that God wants to transform. By identifying your conflict response style, windows for redemptive change will be opened. Chapter 9 discusses triangulation and the difference between authentic and counterfeit peace.

Part 3 moves from what we are doing wrong to how to do things right. Chapter 10 defines submission and why it is essential for the church to be the church. Chapter 11 describes how authentic communication opens the way for reconciliation through one of the most important biblical principles for embodying peace—speaking the truth in love. Chapter 12 is about confession and forgiveness—why each is necessary if we are to build authentic, redemptive communities. Chapter 13 discusses how discipline and restitution are necessary to restore the sinner. The book concludes with a call to repentance in seven key areas of the church.

The promise of Scripture is that God will allow nothing into your life that you are not able to bear through faith in Him. Whatever conflict or crisis you may now be facing, God will provide a way out or a way through for your good and His glory.

Notes

1. All the stories and examples cited in this book are true, though I have intentionally changed or distorted some of the stories to ensure confidentiality while trying to retain the integrity of the original circumstances. In most cases, the events and sins described are now reconciled under the blood of Jesus Christ and, therefore, no longer exist. Here, as in all things, focus should not be given to individuals or events but to the lordship of Jesus Christ.

2. George MacDonald, Paul Faber, Surgeon (Whitethorn, Calif.: Johannesen, 1992), 156. Originally published by Hurst & Blackett (London) in 1879.

PROLOGUE:

CONFLICTS AT SECOND

CHURCH … AND ELSEWHERE

When Tim announced his resignation as senior pastor at Second Church, the congregation was bewildered, hurt, and divided. Tim’s vague reference to personal issues and past failures in his statement to the congregation only added to the confusion.

Second Church was a lighthouse evangelical church in the region. The church had seen significant growth in attendance and conversions over Tim’s ten-year pastorate. Tim was a very personable and popular young leader and enthusiastic preacher. He was well loved.

Still, there were signs that something at Second Church was amiss. During the previous year, one associate pastor and two elders had resigned with little or no explanation. Attendance seemed to be dipping. Giving was down. Grumbling was on the rise.

These are common symptoms for troubled or conflicted churches. Often, awareness of a problem starts with a vague feeling that something is not quite right. Then something happens—a sin, disappointment, or failure—that seems to explain the problem. Usually, however, the event is a symptom of a deeper problem. Reconciliation requires courage to discover and lovingly address the underlying problem.

All conflict hurts. Hurt can be good or bad. Reconciliation depends upon how we respond to the conflict and deal with the hurt. The story of Second Church will illustrate how bad conflict can be, and how far hurt can go, when we fail to uncover and address root causes of our conflicts. (We point out that Tim and Nancy’s story is extreme. The symptoms and circumstances of your conflict may be quite different, but the principles for reconciliation are the same.)

Rumors about trouble in Tim and Nancy’s marriage had been rippling through the congregation for months—ever since Tim and Nancy took a three-month sabbatical together. Tim had told the deacon board privately that he and Nancy were struggling. Tim did not explain what the problem was, saying only that it was personal. The board did not inquire further. Instead, the board encouraged Tim and Nancy to go away for marriage counseling. The deacons announced the sabbatical to the church and asked for prayer.

When Tim and Nancy returned, Tim thanked the church for helping save his marriage. He said he learned that his workaholic hours had led him to neglect and hurt his family. He was determined to change. People assumed that the problem was over.

Not long after this, though, people started noticing that Nancy and the kids were increasingly distant from Tim, often alone in the parsonage. Few in the congregation had any idea what was wrong, so members were shocked when they heard Nancy was filing for divorce.

The news split the church between loyalties and accusations for and against Tim and Nancy. Some believed Tim was at fault, others blamed Nancy. Members blamed leaders. A few claimed it was all the attack of Satan to destroy our church.

In the months following Tim’s resignation, weekly attendance at Second Church dropped from an average of 535 to about 425 people. Many who left Second Church were leaders, and those who kept coming stopped giving. By the time the deacons called us in to help assess and repair the damage, the church was in chaos.

When our team arrived at the church, Tim and Nancy’s divorce was final—hurried through the courts in a matter of months. During our lunch together, Tim explained that repeated confessions to counselors and many attempts at restoring his marriage had failed. I have poured my life out, Tim told me, and it has cost me everything. Tim was worried that our assessment would affect his future plans. He told me that he wanted to move on with his life.

Nancy was still living in the church parsonage. There were rumors she was battling suicide and depression. Many were concerned for her health.

The congregation was about to discover much more. As we interviewed people throughout the assessment weekend, the following sequence of events emerged.

Before coming to Second Church ten years earlier, Tim was youth pastor in a church of the same denomination. Tim devoted himself to ministry, spending all his time with teens, particularly one teenage girl. The relationship with this girl eventually led to sex.

Tim felt tremendous guilt about his sin. He met with the girl’s parents to apologize. Outraged, the parents threatened to sue Tim and the church. A district leader of the denomination was called in to meet with the family. They agreed not to press charges or tell the church about the sin if Tim agreed to resign and leave the church immediately. Tim agreed.

The district leader felt compassion for Tim, who was shaken and remorseful. The district leader felt that Tim had learned from his mistake and, since he apologized already, saying or doing more would just make the matter worse. In fact, the district leader offered to find Tim another church. So Tim resigned immediately, saying that he wanted to pursue ministry opportunities elsewhere. No mention was ever made of the sin.

A few months later, Tim applied to be pastor at Second Church. The district leader gave a strong recommendation. No one on the search committee asked Tim why he left his former church. Neither the district leader nor Tim made any mention of the past. The people of Second Church liked and embraced Tim immediately and called him to be their senior pastor.

Tim told me that he never lied to the search committee or the congregation. In fact, he said that he had always wanted to say something to the church but the district leader advised him against it. So Tim told no one. He plunged into ministry at Second Church determined to put his past behind him. The church grew. People were saved. Still, Tim never felt right about keeping the secret. So one day, after many years at Second Church, Tim shared his secret with one of the associate pastors. Tim told him all about the sin and why he left the former church. Tim felt relieved to have the truth out. He told no one else.

Months later, when Tim borrowed his associate’s computer, he discovered pornographic Web sites that the associate pastor had bookmarked on his Internet browser for downloading and viewing in his office. Tim was shocked and angry. He called the associate pastor into his office to confront him, demanding that he confess his sin to the deacons. If the associate pastor did not go to the deacons, Tim said, I was going to tell them myself.

The associate pastor responded with a threat of his own. If you tell the deacons about me, he said, I’ll tell the deacons about you.

Stalemate. Both pastors had a damaging secret about the other. So they agreed not to tell either story. Instead, Tim arranged for the associate pastor to resign and find another church to pursue other ministry opportunities.

As our weekend at Second Church unfolded, more secrets were exposed. We learned that three more leaders in the church had committed adultery with women in the congregation during the past several years. No sin was ever specifically acknowledged or publicly confessed. Leaders just suddenly resigned or left the church under a cloud of mystery. Spouses from two of the broken marriages still attended worship services, sitting on opposite sides of the sanctuary, each refusing to talk with the other.

In all, we documented numerous cases of sexual immorality at Second Church, including adultery, lust, pornography, pedophilia, and homosexuality. The sins involved former members and leaders reaching back at least a dozen years through, and up to, the time of our assessment. Other sins, such as gossip and dissension among leadership and membership, were also widespread. Our task was to tell the church.

This story, with a script fit for a seedy soap opera, is true. It actually occurred in a leading evangelical church that we served. The sin at Second Church was alarming. But this book is not about sexual sin or any other of the sins that plague our churches—from gossip to grandstanding. The conflict at Second Church, and every other conflict, including the one you may be facing right now, is not, in the end, about sin. Conflict reveals our faith and character: our willingness or refusal to be the body of Christ. As much as Tim and others were responsible for their sin, the church also failed to recognize and address sin in the early stages. The church failed to be the church.

When we peel back the pages of this horrible story we begin to see dozens of opportunities missed that could have prevented, or at least addressed, the sin in the first place. Second Church’s situation reveals the common mistakes and oversights that can lead a church into deeper trouble. They include:

Lack of community. How many people saw a problem in Tim’s character when he was growing up, attending seminary, or serving as a young pastor, but said nothing about it? Where were the senior pastor, deacons, and godly friends to encourage, warn, and correct Tim before his behavior led to sin? The church must be a place where we invite fellow believers to speak truth and love into our lives.

Worldly privacy. How many times did friends, fellow leaders, and Christian brothers and sisters choose to look the other way or not interfere because Tim’s behavior happened outside the church building and his private life was none of their business?

Shifting responsibility. Did you notice how many times leaders ignored or shifted responsibility for loving discipline and restoration? The denominational leader allowed Tim to leave without confession, restitution, or restoration. He was never asked to submit to a process to reconstitute his character. At Second Church, when leaders realized Tim and Nancy were struggling, the immediate remedy was to send the couple outside the fellowship for help. What is the church for, if not this?

Avoidance. No one on the search committee asked Tim why he left his former church. No one at his present church asked him what the real problem was in his life and marriage. Instead, both Tim and the church were constantly trying to fix the problem by assuming the best and hoping the problem went away. They ignored warning signs, kept silent, or named the sin something else.

Fear of lawsuits. The fear or threat of legal action caused Tim’s first church to encourage Tim to leave quickly; the threat caused Tim to accept the blackmail of his associate pastor. It’s as if each person said, We can’t obey Scripture or trust the power of God because, if we did, we might get sued.

Cheap grace. Tim and Second Church told themselves it’s grace to keep the sin secret. Actually, it’s deception. Many church leaders today follow the same distorted logic. Remorse or sorrow does not equal restoration. Keeping sin in the dark sustains sin’s power, because it keeps the sinner from genuine fellowship and robs the person of the forgiveness and restoration made possible through the Cross. It is never loving or gracious to cover over sin, or to merely forgive and forget.

Resolving conflict requires a way of obeying that confronts our popular notions of privacy with a truth and grace that recognizes the power of the Cross. To make peace the church must embody the principles and practices of reconciliation made possible through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Reconciliation is a way of life. To do this, the church must recover biblical community. The church that is redemptive will learn to practice reconciliation as a way of life.

Part 1

THE MESS

WE ARE IN

Church conflict is neither isolated nor uncommon. Indeed, church pastors, governing boards, and denominational leaders spend a major portion of their time each year assessing, mediating, and reconciling church conflicts. They are called upon to: