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    How to Communicate Like a Buddhist
    How to Communicate Like a Buddhist
    How to Communicate Like a Buddhist
    Ebook186 pages2 hours

    How to Communicate Like a Buddhist

    By Cynthia Kane

    3.5/5

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    About this ebook

    An Instruction Manual for Clear Communication
     
    The most well-known Buddhist teachers on the planet all have something in common: they are excellent communicators. This is not a coincidence, as the Buddha taught what are called the four elements of right speech over 2,600 years ago.

    In this one-of-a-kind book, certified meditation and mindfulness instructor Cynthia Kane has taken the four elements of right speech and developed them into a modern practice based on mindful listening, mindful speech, and mindful silence.

    Beginning with an illuminating self-test to assess your current communication style, this book will take you through the author's own five-step practice, which will help you learn to:

    1. Listen to yourself (your internal and external words)
    2. Listen to others
    3. Speak consciously, concisely, and clearly
    4. Regard silence as a part of speech
    5. Meditate to enhance your communication skills

    If you have ever felt misheard, had trouble stating how you feel, or longed to have more meaningful and genuine conversations, this book can help. The simple steps outlined here will have a lasting effect on how you communicate with yourself and others.

    Communication is essential to being human, and when you become better at it, your personal truth will become clearer, your relationships will improve, and you will experience more peace and harmony in your life.

    Fans of Thich Nhat Hanh will appreciate these simple, clear instructions for how to transform everyday communication into “right speech.”

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHierophant Publishing
    Release dateApr 18, 2016
    ISBN9781938289521
    How to Communicate Like a Buddhist
    Author

    Cynthia Kane

    Cynthia Kane received her BA from Bard College and her MFA from Sarah Lawrence College and is a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including the Washington Post, BBC Travel, Yoga Journal, Refinery29, Woman’s Day, Pregnancy Magazine, and the Huffington Post. She lives in Washington, DC, and offers workshops and private programs. Visit her at www.cynthiakane.com.

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    • 5/5
      This is a great book that needs to be read more than once, maybe once a year.

    Book preview

    How to Communicate Like a Buddhist - Cynthia Kane

    Copyright © 2016

    by Cynthia Kane

    All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this work

    in any form whatsoever, without permission in writing from the

    publisher, except for brief passages in connection with a review.

    Cover design by Emma Smith

    Cover art © Steinar | Shutterstock

    Interior design by Steve Amarillo

    Hierophant Publishing

    8301 Broadway, Suite 219

    San Antonio, TX 78209

    888-800-4240

    www.hierophantpublishing.com

    If you are unable to order this book from your local bookseller,

    you may order directly from the publisher.

    Library of Congress control number: 2016931680

    ISBN: 978-1-938289-51-4

    10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

    Printed on acid-free paper in the United States of America

    www.redwheelweiser.com

    www.redwheelweiser.com/newsletter

    This book is dedicated to you, the reader.

    May it show up for you when you need it most.

    Before you speak,

    let your words pass through three gates.

    At the first gate,

    ask yourself, Is it true?

    At the second gate,

    ask, Is it necessary?

    At the third gate,

    ask, Is it kind?

    —Sufi saying

    Contents

    Introduction

    What's Your Communication Style?

    Mindful Listening

    Step 1: Listen to Yourself

    Step 2: Listen to Others

    Mindful Speech

    Step 3: Speak Consciously, Concisely, and Clearly

    Step 4: Use the Language of Silence

    Mindful Silence

    Step 5: Meditation

    Thought Process of Communicating Like a Buddhist

    Acknowledgments

    Resources

    Introduction

    Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a

    Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.

    —Dalai Lama

    For many years I relied on others as a communication style. What I mean is I rarely expressed any of my needs or wants, thinking that others would just be able to pick up on them. I would pretend everything was fine, say yes when I really wanted to say no, or go along with what I knew others wanted to hear. Never expressing myself meant I was bubbling with passive-aggressive quips, all the time frustrated and reacting because my needs weren't being met. Ask me then what the issue was, and I would've blamed everyone else. Ask me now, and I'd tell you it was that I didn't understand what real communication looked like, and how paying attention to my words, being aware of what I was saying while I was saying it, and observing without judgment could change my relationship to myself and others.

    I was a product of what I was surrounded by. My teachers growing up were first and foremost my parents and other family members, but this isn't a statement of blame, as they were simply doing what they'd learned to do from their families, and their families' families, and on it goes. The other educators in my life were my friends and boyfriends, and from them I picked up habits from their communication trees. When I finally took notice of my communication style, I realized none of it was actually mine!

    Think for a minute about your default style of communicating. Maybe you have habits that include selectively listening, talking over others to make a point, knowing better than others, interrupting, complaining, shutting down and walking away, or taking the role of the victim. Or maybe you've not stopped to think about how you communicate. If this describes you, don't worry—you're not alone. Many of us are walking around with a communication routine that we're unaware of. We've performed it so many times it's embedded in our day-to-day lives without us even realizing it's there or knowing it's ours. Sometimes it's possible words are coming out of our mouths and we're not really sure what we're saying, or we give a facial expression and we only become aware that we've done so because the person we're with points it out to us. But as with any aspect of our personality, we can change it if it's no longer proving useful.

    This book came out of my own need to redefine my communication style. To rework how I interacted with the world around me and communicated with others and myself. When I looked closely, I saw that my default methods of communication led me to interact with others in a way that was completely out of step with what I really wanted.

    Although I wanted to be open and understanding, and compassionate, and celebrate others, all I could do was react from a place of insecurity because I felt like others' goodness took away from mine, or their successes somehow made mine further out of reach. Comparing myself to others made me even more reactionary, pushing me to be passive-aggressive and blame others for what I wasn't feeling or doing. If a girl I knew looked pretty, well, that meant I looked ugly. If a friend of mine just got published in the New York Times, well, that meant I was further away from achieving something similar. A friend got engaged, well, that meant I was never going to find someone to love.

    So what changed? One of my best friends tragically passed away, and with his passing the world looked different. What I saw was that life was too beautiful to be upset all the time, constantly comparing, competing, thinking this is right that is wrong. Life was too unpredictable to disrespect others and myself with my interactions. Life was to be enjoyed, not to suffer through. I craved to feel present, to enjoy my time here. I read books, took courses, signed up for workshops, all on this quest to care for myself; to understand how to feel good in my day-to-day. And no matter the class, or teacher, or mentor, over and over again I found that the root of my unhappiness and insecurity came from how I communicated. How I talked with others and myself dictated so much of my feeling state that to really enjoy each moment, to be here now, I had to teach myself a new way of interacting.

    My search lead me to the Shambhala Meditation Center of New York, where I learned about Buddhism's four elements of right speech. When I first heard about this it was like my internal oven timer had gone off, as I knew I could use these principles as a base for communicating. Remember, you don't have to be a Buddhist to communicate like one, as the benefits of doing so are available to everyone.

    The four elements are rules of communication, and over the last five years I have modernized and melded them with other forms of mindful, nonviolent, and what I call self-responsible communication to create a working practice. Changing how I communicated with others and myself helped me in so many ways: it increased my self-esteem, reduced stress and anxiety, and even improved my sleeping habits; it helped me understand my own feelings and the feelings of others, enhanced my appreciation for life, reduced reactivity and compulsive behavior, and helped me identify my wants and clarify goals. Changing the way I communicated helped me to create a more calm, balanced, and energized life. Through my communication practice I've become a better friend, daughter, sister, wife, aunt, employee, and coworker without sacrificing my own happiness in the process. My hope for you is that by changing the way you communicate you too can change your life and the lives of others.

    What This Book Will Teach You

    In the beginning, I'll explain the traditional Buddhist elements of right speech, as they are foundational. The rest of the book is devoted to my own concrete practice that I have developed over the past five years. As you will see in the following pages, creating a new communication routine begins by making small changes. Many of the examples cover small communication topics, because what I've found is that by making changes in the smaller day-to-day conversations, we are better prepared to communicate more effectively when larger life issues come up. Also, if we master our day-to-day interactions, we can potentially prevent some of the larger communication issues from even arising!

    The first part will help you identify what type of communicator you are right now. This will help you see exactly what you need to work on and how this book can help transform your communication routine. I'll then introduce the elements of right speech.

    Next, we'll dive into the concrete five-step practice I have developed for altering our communication routines. Because change always must start from within, I'll first ask you to begin listening more closely to yourself. Then we'll move into how to listen to others. With the tools for effective listening in place, then we get into learning to speak consciously, concisely, and clearly. We'll also apply the Buddhist principles of mindfulness and spaciousness to communication by discussing silence as a part of speech. Then we move into the last element needed to communicate like a Buddhist: meditation. Once through the five-step practice, I'll share with you the thought process of communicating in this new way and how by asking yourself a handful of questions you can turn any interaction into one that is kind, honest, and helpful.

    Your life is one long conversation, so throughout the book you'll see Cultivate Communication exercises that invite you to practice some of the ideas we'll be discussing. I encourage you to pick up a journal if you don't have one already, as there will be many opportunities for you to reflect on current and past situations, and how you might communicate differently in the future. I've also found that journaling helps me to be a better communicator not just for its help with reflecting on the past, but it also helps me assign words to sometimes complex or difficult emotions. If I can articulate how I'm feeling on the page, it helps me to later express myself in conversations. At the end of each part I've included a What You Need to Remember section for easy reference.

    Perhaps you picked up this book because you want to learn how to more accurately say what you mean and express how you feel; or maybe you're looking to mend old relationships, begin new ones, or you're interested in learning how to handle difficult conversations. Maybe you've realized that the way you've been interacting with others needs to change, and you want a starter guide, basic steps you can take to change your communication style now. The good news is that this book can satiate all of these desires. What you'll learn here can help you with your communication at home, work, with your friends and family, as well as in your intimate relationships. I can teach you these things because I too have struggled with learning how to speak so that I am heard and how to listen with presence and without judgment, and the teachings here describe ways in which to do exactly that.

    Before we begin I want to

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