The Future of Men: Men on Trial

Once again, Jack Myers has his fingers on the pulse of the very latest. Myers has clearly done his homework, and the result is this superb book.

—Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker of The Roosevelts and The Civil War

In his groundbreaking book, Jack Myers challenges the existing role models on whom men base their male identity, opening the door to a new conversation about masculinity. It is a must-read.

—Dr. Jane Greer, author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship

"Jack Myers is a media visionary, and—once again—he’s asking a big, hairy, and contentious question: What is the future of men? While for many this is still a man’s world, Myers shines a light of skepticism on this notion and points us to a much different future. How will gender equality—or a shift in balance—change the landscape? The Future of Men’s answers will surprise and delight you."

—Mitch Joel, author of Six Pixels of Separation

"‘Girls rule! Girls rock! You go, Girl!’ Great, if you’re a girl, but where does that leave the boys? Jack Myers’s book The Future of Men should be required reading for every parent rearing sons."

—Contessa Brewer, anchor and correspondent for NBC and MSNBC

Jack Myers envisions a better day when masculine strength is defined by empathy and sensi­tivity instead of the macho, often sexist, attitudes and behaviors of the past.

—Keith Reinhard, chairman emeritus of DDB Worldwide Communications Group

"Jack Myers has proven over and over again that he has an eye for the trends that drive our culture and our industry. Now Jack, a Mad Men admirer from the start, tackles head-on the future of (all) men."

—Charlie Collier, president of AMC and SundanceTV

"I’ve studied boomers and the age wave for the past three decades; however, I also recognize the need to focus on younger generations, especially on the changing dynamics of gender relationships. In The Future of Men, Jack Myers confronts changing realities in society, culture, business, and more."

—Ken Dychtwald, PhD, author of A New Purpose: Redefining Money, Work, Retirement, and Success

Jack Myers has done it again. This time he delves deeply into the current and future status of masculinity and what it will mean to ‘be a man’ in the decades ahead. The current fundamental recasting of gender roles is one of the most profound dynamics in the world today.

—David Houle, futurist, EvolutionShift.com

Learn what it takes to be a real man. Whether you eat quiche or not, this book is a must-read!

—Jeffrey Hayzlett, TV and radio host, speaker, author, and chairman of C-Suite Network

"It’s no secret that gender roles are blurring, but discussion on the future of this evolutionary change has been minimal. The Future of Men is the guide we’ve needed to walk us through this shift from the macho man to the modern man."

—Sydney N. Fulkerson, author of The Coffee Run: And Other Internship Need-to-Knows

"From a world that worships the image rather than the reality, Myers tells us to ignore the images that have defined men in the past and instead embrace our sensi­tivity and become more empathetic. He’s got to be good to pull this off! He is."

—Larry Kramer, former president and publisher of USA Today

For years, in my work advising consumer marketers and the agencies that support them, I have looked to Jack Myers for insights on the media ecology and the consuming culture that feeds it. He has a way of packaging his cultural insights to directly assist the reader in business and in life at large.

—Kendall Allen, principal of Influence Collective

OTHER BOOKS BY JACK MYERS

Adbashing: Surviving the Attacks on Advertising, American Media Council, 1993

Reconnecting with Customers: Building Brands and Profits in The Relationship Age, Spurge Ink! / Knowledge Exchange, 1998

Virtual Worlds: Rewiring Your Emotional Connections, Myers Publishing LLC, 2007

Hooked Up: A New Generation’s Surprising Take on Sex, Politics and Saving the World, York House Press, 2012

Globally, and especially in Western cultures, we are in the midst of what may prove to be the greatest societal transformation in the history of humanity: the transformation from male to female dominance.

Copyright © 2016 Jack Myers All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Inkshares, Inc., San Francisco, California www.inkshares.com

Edited and designed by Girl Friday Productions

www.girlfridayproductions.com

Cover design by Erick Montes

ISBN: 978-1-9417586-56

e-ISBN: 978-1-9417586-63

LCCN: 2015945416

First edition

Printed in the United States of America

Dedicated to

the idea that people of all genders and all nations will reach the common conclusion

that we are all equal in God’s eyes, and due equal rights, equal honesty,

equal opportunity,

equal accountability for our actions,

and equal pursuit of happiness.

There is no male counterpart to sisterhood.

With gratitude to all those who supported and contributed to my personal growth as I wrote this book

And with great love for my children and grandchildren and future generations with whom I share this as my legacy

CONTENTS

Why I Wrote This Book

MEN: PAST AND PRESENT

Chapter 1. Are Even the Good Ones Bad?

Chapter 2. The Future of Men: Just the Facts

Women Take Control of Earning Power

How Are Men Faring in the Modern Workplace?

Changing Management Character­istics Favor Female Ascendency

Shattering the Glass Ceiling?

Chapter 3. Men: Confused, Challenged, Conflicted

Chapter 4. The Age of the Dominant Male Has Passed

Chapter 5. Deny, Deny, Deny: Men’s Destructive Instinct to Lie

Chapter 6. Men and Personal Intimacy Disorder

Chapter 7. Sex Sells and So Do Moronic Men

Sexuality in Fashion Advertising

The Idiot Man in Advertising

The Super Bowl That Cared

A Culture of Emasculation

The Beer Commercial: A Barometer for Sexism

The Shifting Demographic: Women-Friendly Beer Ads

The Sexualization of Men

Diversity in Marketing

Chapter 8. Eyes Wide Open: A New Sexual Revolution

Sexually Empowered Women

Men, Women, and Communication

Technology, Online Dating, and the Decay of Intimacy

Online Dating and Hook-up Sites

Chapter 9. Women Take Control in the Bedroom

Shifting Standards for Explicit Material

The Evolution of Cultural Gender Roles

What Women Want: Sex and Expectations

Chapter 10. Sisters Going Their Own Way

Chapter 11. Heterosexual Women and Gay Men: The New Relationship

TV AND MEDIA: REFLECTING CHANGE, LEADING CHANGE

Chapter 12. Will & Grace: The TV Series That Changed America

Will & Grace: Before and After

Chapter 13. The Medium Is the Man

Chapter 14. Nerds and Geeks: The New Real Men

Chapter 15. News Anchors Reflecting Societal Shifts

Chapter 16. TV Feminists: Leading or Following Society?

GENDER CONVERGENCE AND WOMEN’S STRUGGLES

Chapter 17. Gender Convergence

Hollywood’s Stay-at-Home Dads

Millennial Women: Doing It All

Rise of the Cooking Dad

Coparenting

Counter­intuitive Trends

The Corporate Imperative

Chapter 18. Women’s Struggle for Ascendance

Struggles in the Workplace

Men’s Role in Women’s Success

Rape, Idiot Politicians, and the War on Women

Sex, Violence, and Dominance

Rape Culture and School Cover-ups

Human Trafficking and Sex Work

Relationships, Fidelity, and Honesty

Hopes and Expectations in Relationships

Women Ascendant

MEN, WOMEN, AND POWER: THE NEW REALITY

Chapter 19. Men Are Now the Under­educated Gender

The Myth of Higher Pay for the Educated

Women: The New Educated Gender

Chapter 20. Politics and the Slowly Shifting Sands of Time

Female Politicians in the Media

Male Opposition: The Good Ol’ Boys Club

The War on Women

The Turning Tides: Women in Politics

Women Fight Back

Female Role Models in Politics

Chapter 21. How Men Can Adapt to the New World

Learn to Multitask

Admit Mistakes and Tell the Truth

Learn to Ask for Help

Pay Attention to Details

Show Concern for Coworkers

Use More Words to Communicate, and Think About Other People’s Feelings

Chapter 22. The Future of Men (and Women) Globally

Women’s Ascendance in Education

Workforce Participation

Women’s Rights and Brain Drain

Political Empowerment

Women’s Concerns: the Best, the Worst, and the Exceptionally Dangerous

STORIES FROM A WOMAN’S HEART

Chapter 23. Reality from a Female Point of View

Chapter 24. Lara’s Story: It’s No Longer a Male-Dominated World

Chapter 25. Nicky’s Story, as Told by His Mom: What Are We Teaching Our Sons?

Chapter 26. Michelle’s Story: Being a Perfect 1950s Girl . . . in the 1990s

Chapter 27. Ava’s Story: Communication Versus Confrontation

Chapter 28. Tina’s Story: You Can’t Change a Man

Chapter 29. Mary M.’s Story: Hey, Man, It’s Not All About You

Chapter 30. Carol’s Story: Managing from a Woman’s Perspective

Chapter 31. Lizz’s Story: Men Don’t Want Women Who Are Too Opinionated

THE FUTURE OF MEN

Chapter 32. What Can We Learn from the Last Matriarchal Tribe?

The Mosuo of Southwest China

Chapter 33. Summarizing Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century

Acknowledg­ments

About the Author

Bibliography

List of Patrons

About Inkshares

WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK

The male gender as a whole is afflicted by an inborn sense of power and dominance over women that has existed since the caveman. There is compelling evidence, however, that the shift toward female power is far more pervasive than we realize and that male dominance is quickly fading. It’s becoming very apparent that the future of men will be increasingly defined, dominated, and controlled by women. In this book, I share perspectives on the future of men and how men are affected and responding as women emerge from centuries-old cocoons and, like butterflies, soar to new heights.

Throughout 2012 and 2013, I toured the country speaking about the first generation of students to grow up with the Internet, who were born between 1990 and 1996—the millennial bridge generation I discerned and researched for my book Hooked Up: A New Generation’s Surprising Take on Sex, Politics and Saving the World. When I shared the statistics on female versus male college enrollment (60 percent vs. 40 percent) and explained why these young Internet natives, especially women, were a powerful and positive force to be reckoned with, the most common audience question was, What’s happening to men?

This question led me to a much deeper exploration into the emerging female power class and into the major trends and influences affecting men—how they are reflected in society, culture, business, politics, media, and advertising—and the implications for both men and women as this shift in control and dominance transforms roles and relationships.

As I wrote this book, I recognized how our society, culture, companies, and lives are permeated by inappropriate sexual activity, sexism, misogyny, and pornography—and how accepted this has become. I listened with more awareness as my male colleagues engaged in obviously inappropriate sexual banter and behavior, none of them considering that it was dangerous, painful, destructive, and offensive.

I also recognized an emerging cultural backlash in the media and among both male and female organizations that is polarizing gender issues and creating more distance between men and women instead of building healthier relationships and moving us forward on a path toward mutual respect and under­standing. It became apparent that as society appropriately focuses growing attention on women’s equality and issues, young men need an advocate and support as they navigate the challenging and confusing new world that the growing success of the women’s movement is creating.

In The Future of Men, I consider the following questions:

Where have all the real men gone?

Why is the era of the dominant male ending?

Who are the real men of today and the future?

What is the future of relationships and sex, business, politics, education, media, and marketing?

Where are we heading as a society, and how can we help men, especially young men and boys, find a path toward healthier relationships, self-awareness, and ultimately, becoming more functional and happy?

Jack Myers

September 2015

MEN: PAST AND PRESENT

CHAPTER 1

ARE EVEN THE GOOD ONES BAD?

Globally, and especially in Western cultures, we are in the midst of the greatest societal transformation in the history of humanity: the transformation from male to female dominance.

All the good men are either married or gay. Otherwise they’re fucked up. If you know any single women seeking a monogamous relationship with a man, you’ve certainly heard that sentiment. Many will even add, And most of the married ones are fucked up, too!

The shrinking number of heterosexual men who are emotionally functional and able to sustain a relationship built on truth is radically affecting the balance of power between men and women. Lack of supply is not creating high demand; instead, as feminism becomes an ingrained reality, women progressively take more and more control of their sexual lives, their careers, and their futures, unfettered by their needs and desires for male partners. Straight single men may find it easier to get dates and even have sex, but there are few women who are willing to accept most of them as prospects for long-term relationships (or even short-term ones). More and more, as personified in TV programs and advertising, women view men as a helpless and hopeless sex. In fact, a 2015 study from the inter­national market research company YouGov described in the Independent Journal Review claims that women are more likely to end long-term relationships—as much as 84 percent of them were ended by the female partner!

Instead of trying to change men, as they once believed they could, women are progres­sively—and increas­ingly aggres­sively—taking control away from them. Women today are no longer willing to passively accept male dominance, deceit, aggression, and control. They will no longer stand by men who disrespect their love through infidelity or stay with men who are neglectful and detached and who fail to connect emotionally and share intimacy. A good man today is not defined by his conquests, power, or sexual dominion. These are the tenets of a dying race of dominant males, the parables of ancient rituals, and the require­ments of an age that exists only in our own minds. Yet men and society remain ruled by these outdated beliefs, which remain deeply embedded pillars that stand firm against the rising tide of female power and leadership. They are men’s weapons as men battle to retain their traditional roles and the right to do as they please without accountability, regret, or self-destruction. For too many decades, these pillars have remained solid, enabling men to hold forth against the tidal wave of women’s advances and progress.

How many men out there believe they are acting in all the right ways, accepting total equality for women, and rejecting misogyny and sexual misbehavior while still engaging in stupid, chest-puffing male behavior without accountability? Oblivious to the dangerous and devastating implications of their actions, they believe that they won’t be outed or that they will be able to lie or buy their way out of anything if caught. The Ashley Madison disclosures were just part of a growing wave of evidence that infidelity can no longer be protected behind a wall of secrecy. Comedian Bill Cosby has consistently refuted sexual abuse accusations since 2000 and continues to gainsay any criminal acts even after fifty women have come forward against him. Misguided and outdated attitudes are at the foundation of the belief system of male power and dominance rooted in almost all hierarchies, including family, work, church, sports, politics, education, and the arts.

As each chapter in this book will explain in well-researched detail, a power shift from male domination to female–male equality, and in many instances growing female dominance, is at the foundation of an upheaval that is now radically transforming society. The walls are tumbling and the floors collapsing under men’s regime. Male masters of the universe can no longer use their physical strength, governmental authority, or financial control to dictate and rule over the position and privileges of women in the family, the workplace, society, politics, or culture.

Life and gender are intertwined and inseparable. Our gender education begins with our ancestral realities; it continues with our very first experiences with our parents, our siblings, and the men and women who raise and teach us. Our gender identity is at the very core of our being. It is also intimately linked to our sexual identity.

Sexual experiences and associations form fantasy worlds as we discover and experience what it feels like to be aroused. Do we connect or disconnect? Do we marry? Are we gay, straight, transgender, or one of the many other ways a person can experience gender identity? Are we enthusiastic about sex? Do we conquer destructive patterns in our relationships, or do they remain ingrained in our actions throughout life? Do we ever find true and sustainable love? Do we establish mutual trust in relationships and honor that trust forever? Do we achieve a sense of dignity, or do we act in ways that make others indignant toward us? Are we totally honest in our relationships, or do we follow the mantra of deny, deny, deny? Do we ever achieve true self-esteem, and if we do, have we earned the right to it?

Men and women need to be aware of and sensitive to the challenges these questions imply as traditional gender norms are uprooted and transformed. Men’s and women’s mutual commitment must be to under­standing and interpreting new gender truths and to remaining open to change along the journey. They must begin to practice and teach a new mantra of absolute honesty, mutual respect, and trust.

A woman’s power is in her intuition, experience, common sense, and her inherent desire to collaborate rather than fight. When women say, I understand, they mostly do (unlike men, who are often clueless but won’t admit it). Women are powerful—sexually, intuitively, and intellectually. Women view men through that prism, while men all too frequently view women sexually, seeing them as a collection of body parts. Women rarely, if ever, allow sex to take priority in their decision making without active consideration of the implications (even if that deliberation takes just seconds). The male sex drive is rarely informed in such a way; its role is to jump into action and perform. The libido takes up arms against rational thinking and fights off all obstacles to achieve its mission. When an inappropriate flirtation or fixation backfires, rather than backing off as he should, the man may continue to march forward, undeterred until the mission is carried through to fruition or declared abortive.

No matter where the male sex drive may center its attention or how aggressively men may assert their physical power and dominance, men are being progressively outmaneuvered, outsmarted, and outresourced by women. This is the genetic and historical reality that men must understand, accept, and embrace if they are to have a positive and productive future in a world in which women are at least an equally dominant force.

The last generation of traditional males is now in their late twenties. The first wave of Internet natives is just entering their adult years, heralding a new age of gender relationships that have different role models, a history born with the Internet, and new guidelines for behavior. This generation is dismissing customary gender definitions as irrelevant; conventional male/female roles are shifting. The first generation of future men is a more evolved species (though still in its formative stages). The future man recognizes, respects, and relates to the growing dominance of women in many areas of society, culture, relationships, family, and business. Yet these young men are also confused by the conflicting realities that put them in the crosshairs between traditional definitions of masculinity and emerging behavioral expectations. It will take decades, but we are in the midst of an irreversible transformation: women are gaining power and influence as traditional roles and expectations disappear and new gender norms evolve. This is the story of The Future of Men: Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century.

CHAPTER 2

THE FUTURE OF MEN: JUST THE FACTS

Man has been the dominant sex since, well, the dawn of mankind. But for the first time in human history, that is changing—and with shocking speed.

—Hanna Rosin, The End of Men, the Atlantic

The End of Men was a shocking, controversial, and newsworthy headline when the Atlantic published it in July 2010. The article wasn’t as depressing as the headline, but it did outline extraordinary changes in societies throughout the world—changes that have made life more difficult for the generations of men who were raised believing certain fundamental ideas about their place in family, business, culture, and society. The article goes on to say that, since the 1970s, our postindustrial society (one with a much lower percentage of jobs relying on size, strength, and stamina) has dramatically reduced the percentage of men who are the dominant sex in their families and workplaces.

Women’s increasing success and men’s diminished role is so profound that parents in industrialized nations such as the United States and South Korea who once preferred male babies now prefer girls, and parents in developing nations such as China and India are slowly but progressively making the same shift.

Rosin’s article doesn’t forecast whether the trends of the past four decades will continue—specifically, whether men can acquire the skills needed to succeed in a postindustrial economy. These skills are predominantly female-associated and include social intelligence, verbal aptitude, self-control, and as Rosin put it, the ability to sit still and focus.

A study by Caliper, a talent management company, indicates that women demonstrate higher team-building skills and are, in general, better team players. Men are considered better at delegating; women generally excel at collaboration and group effort. Men have a tendency to want individual success and power; women score higher when it comes to persuasive skills. The article, How Men and Women Differ in the Workplace, in the Fiscal Times suggested that women are more willing to look at all sides of a situation, which leads to better persuasive techniques. He Said, She Said: Communicating Between Genders at Work, from Business Know-How details how women are more supportive of others in positions that are equal to or below them. Women give compliments; men give evaluations.

Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook and author of Lean In, offers additional insight into the management styles of men and women. During an interview on 60 Minutes, she was asked how men and women attribute their success. Sandberg stated that men are likely to credit their success to themselves, whereas women will give credit to others and downplay their strong points. When asked how she credits her own achievements, Sandberg responded, appropriately enough, with, It is attributed to a lot of things, some of which really are luck, working hard, and help from others.

A study conducted by the Stanford Graduate School of Business showed that women who are able to develop the male qualities of assertiveness, confidence, and aggressive behavior—and who know when to use these behaviors—have more success in business. The interesting finding was that the success was not as much based on developing masculine traits as it was on controlling those traits. These results broke success into sections:

Women who had masculine traits performed one and a half times better than masculine men did.

They performed one and a half times better than women with a feminine business style.

They performed three times better than masculine women without the ability to control the appropriate use of assertiveness or aggressiveness.

Most important, these women did two times better than men with a more feminine business style.

If the positive skills of men and women can be combined, there are obvious benefits. A rapidly growing number of corporations and organizations will be positioned to capitalize on these benefits as women’s corporate and economic power increase.

Of the 15 job categories projected to grow the most in the next decade in the U.S., all but two are occupied primarily by women, wrote Hanna Rosin in her Atlantic piece. Indeed, the U.S. economy is in some ways becoming a kind of traveling sisterhood: upper-class women leave home and enter the workforce, creating domestic jobs for other women to fill. The fast-growing female occupations referenced include child care, home health assistance, and nursing. The only male occupations on the list are computer engineering and janitorial work.

Since 2000, the number of manufacturing jobs has dropped from roughly eighteen million to twelve million, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. In a future with far fewer manufacturing jobs, education will become even more important. A 2012 US Census Bureau report revealed that in 1970, men had nearly a 60 to 40 percent overall edge in all college degrees. That same document shows that today and for the foreseeable future, women are earning about 60 percent of bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Women’s increasing advantage in high-growth occupations and on college campuses has transformed society. Bureau of Labor Statistics data show that in 1970, women earned roughly 27 percent of family income in the United States.

Today, as told in the New York Times article They Call It the Reverse Gender Gap, in many large American cities, single women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-nine without children earn an average of 18 percent or more than single, childless men in the same age group.

That doesn’t mean the end of men, but it does mean the end of a male-dominated society. A key question for organizations and for male–female relationships is whether the social and emotional challenges that result from these new realities will negatively influence men’s effectiveness in business and progressively erode their traditional dominance in the corporate hierarchy.

The trend toward higher-earning women has already transformed the institution of marriage. Increasing numbers of women—unable to find men with a similar income and education—are forgoing marriage altogether, wrote Rosin, who noted that the percentage of thirty-to- forty-four-year-old women who aren’t married increased from 16 percent in 1970 to 40 percent in 2010.

WOMEN TAKE CONTROL OF EARNING POWER

No matter the field, the wage gap between men and women is still significant. Even men without a degree still make substantially more per hour than women. This unfortunate truth persists despite women going to college more often and even doing better in school than men. On the fiftieth anniversary of the 1963 Equal Pay Act, the Huffington Post published a study showing that women are still making only seventy-seven cents for each dollar that a man makes. In other words, a better-qualified, better-educated woman was still only worth about three-quarters of a man in 2013. Furthermore, a woman, on average, makes a total of $11,084 less than a man per year, despite women’s rising education rates.

This leads to another socioeconomic factor that some experts haven’t yet discussed. The Pew Research Center reported that single-mother households are earning over $10,000 less than single-father households, creating a significant income disparity.

Although