Mission Ready Marriage: My Life as an Active Duty Wife

ourselves.

Introduction

My husband, Ryan and I are entering into our second decade of marriage. All the time, we are hearing about someone else we know whose marriage is over because of extra-marital affairs and broken promises. It is heart-breaking and I can’t begin to fathom the pain that must follow when a marriage is dissolved, a family unit is forever changed, and a covenant is no longer being honored. And yet, I can see how it happens. Life is hard. Being married to another person, living with them, sharing in life's responsibilities, putting your needs behind someone else's does come with its challenges.

Being married is both rewarding and difficult at the same time. It is one of life’s most cherished blessings to live alongside someone you love. It is also one of the aspects of life that takes constant work and attention if it is going to be successful. Marriage is hard work and many would argue that military marriages take even more effort to thrive.

Marriage takes constant work, attention, and nurturing. Major life events like the death of a loved one, moving/ relocation, job changes, health problems, difficulties with children, or financial turmoil only add strains and stresses to the marriage relationship.

The pressures of life in the military magnify and multiply that fragility exponentially. According to an article in a 2013 volume of the Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, "data suggest(s) that overseas deployment, exposure to combat, experiencing or participating in violence during war deployment, service member injury or disability, and combat-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) all have profound impacts on the functioning of military families."

Life in the military is demanding. It requires much and so often what it takes from us we never get back. Take any of the stressors from the data listed above and you have a recipe for a difficult marriage. Add in more than one or all of those components, and it really is a miracle that any military marriages survive at all. The question at hand is, "How can our marriages function and flourish when they are indeed so fragile?"

It is my desire to share some personal anecdotes from my own experience. I want to share some of my own insights into how I might have handled certain transitions differently if given the chance. In each chapter you’ll find a section called "What I Needed." I try to give an open account of some practical steps I could have and should have taken when life and the Army handed me a difficult situation.

Each chapter also includes "What He Needed" where I try to see circumstances from the perspective of my husband. Although Ryan is a Christian, I aim to offer insights that could fit any man regardless of where he stands spiritually. Marriage is a two-for-one. There are two parties involved, but so often I am selfish and often only think of how life affects me. In this portion of each chapter I hope to broaden my view of how military life and my reaction to it could more positively affect my marriage in order to make us stronger and more mission ready.

I have included some excerpts in each chapter "From My Blog," which are personal reflections from my online journal. You will quickly see that I’m often a crybaby, super sensitive and overly emotional. I’ve tried to include passages in real time from when some of the Army’s more demanding moments have held me captive.

As each chapter draws to a close, I have included a section called, "God’s Use for the Trial." I am a firm believer that when we walk through difficult seasons, there is purpose behind it. I think there is wisdom in reflection and looking to see how God is present in our times of trouble and difficulty. He uses our circumstances to draw us into a closer relationship with and dependence upon Him. It is through Christ we can walk in hope.

Finally, the chapters each end with a series of five "Questions for Reflection." These questions are perfect for making the chapter personal to one’s own experience. They can easily be used privately for journaling starters or for contemplative thought. Another way the questions could be used is for a small group discussion among a women’s group or Bible study. The chapters are set up for use on a 13 or 14 week semester.

As military spouses we have a big assignment set out before us. We have the honor and duty of helping to support our spouses and their professional missions on the home front. More importantly, long after my husband’s military service may end, it’s my wish that my marriage and my faith in God would survive intact and be stronger than before.

I want a marriage that not only withstands the challenges of military life. I want a marriage that thrives and grows and stands strong until death-do-us-part. I want a mission ready marriage. In order for that to happen, I have to make my own heart mission ready first.

I pray that the Lord would continue to use the lessons He is teaching me through my own experiences to shed light on His faithfulness and goodness! I pray that my stories and the lessons I have learned along the way will help you to make your marriage mission ready as well.

Chapter 1

Life Before the Military: How in the World Did We Get Here?

I did not grow up in the military. My dad never served and only one of my grandfathers did a short stint in the U.S. Navy right out of high school. He never saw any war time. My dad’s uncle, a man I saw only at Thanksgiving is literally the only person in my family of origin with any significant military associations. Uncle Carlos never spoke much at our family meals each November. I think the most I ever heard him say was "Move out of the way so I can see the television."

Simply put, the military has never been on my radar. I joke that my only serious observances of anything military related were getting days off from school on federal holidays. My gratitude for anyone serving at home or abroad was found in my ability to sleep in on a Monday instead of sitting in class. I have pledged allegiance and stood during the National Anthem, but this is where my understanding of the military ended until a few years ago.

Many of the wives I have met during these past few years after my husband went on active duty have a much different experience. Many have grown up Army Brats or Navy Brats (a term I still don’t know how to translate). Many were married right out of high school or the minute their soldier finished Advanced Individual Training (AIT). Many wives have known more years as a dependent than they ever did in the civilian world.

Such is not the case for me. I grew up in the same town where my parents and grandparents grew up. I saw my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on a weekly basis. I went to elementary school, junior high, and high school with the same group of friends. Even when Ryan and I married in 2001, we were only living about half an hour away from our entire extended families.

Our three children were born in rapid succession in 2003, 2005, and 2007. Looking back, I don’t know how we would have made it without the extra sets of hands and all of the support of our extended families. During those years, Ryan was a full-time seminary student and full-time youth pastor. Between pregnancies I worked part-time as an adjunct teacher at the university I attended. Life felt full and easy. We felt like we really had everything we needed. Our entire world could be found inside the bubble of a few surrounding zip codes.

It was during this time that we felt a divine stirring in our hearts. The plans we had laid out for ourselves and our intentions of eventually being in a full-time role as a senior pastor of a local church in our denomination, were shifting and changing. Life was good, yes. But we felt God getting ready to move us out of our comfort zone.

Through the course of almost two years of much prayer, counsel-seeking, and tearful discussions (on my part), we finally felt a specific plan forming for our future. In May of 2010, Ryan submitted a cache of paperwork and began a series of interviews both with our denominational Chaplain’s Commission and the U.S. Army. By December of that same year, he had been picked up for an active duty slot for the May 2011 Chaplain Basic Officer Leaders Course (CHBOLC) at Fort Jackson in Columbia, South Carolina.

We literally had no clue that we had just signed our lives away! Throughout the spring of 2011, our family finished up our tenure at the church where we were serving. I finished my last semester of college teaching. Our kids completed their school/pre-school year and spring sports. We packed up and moved out of our parsonage we had lived in for six years. Ryan kept out his personal belongings for a twelve week school, and our three children and I kept out a few things to go live with my parents during that transition time. The familiar life we had known for the past three decades was being boxed up and neatly arranged on a transportation truck headed to our first duty station.

There was some low level anxiety already brewing in me. I began to get nervous that maybe we’d made the wrong decision; maybe we’d heard God wrong. "Lord, are You SURE You picked the right family for this adventure? I seriously began to doubt that our marriage would survive the twelve week separation. I knew my parenting limits would be tested as a solo parent for three months. I started to really sweat the big and small stuff. We had been living warmly and cozily in our nest with many warm and cozy nests of everyone near and dear to us all in the same tree. I wondered, Why did we think joining the Army was a good idea?"

When Ryan left for CH-BOLC, it felt as if we purposely jumped right out of that nest into the free-fall of zero control over our future. It was as if we had said with a certain sense of gullibility, "Here Army, we are yours...send us where you want. Our life is in your hands. You are at the helm, you make the decisions and call the shots. We will go where you send us." And for me that felt like I had given up way too much control. It felt unnatural and honestly, it felt crazy.

Who in the world gives up their freedom and life, their wishes and choices about where to live and raise a family? In those early moments when we realized that we were really doing this thing, I had many doubts and fears. We had signed our lives away for at least a three year active duty commitment with an additional five year add on of Army Reserves or National Guard. There was no escape plan. There was no backing out. It was time to fly or take a nose dive out of that nest right into the ground.

In hindsight, all of my worries about giving up control and not holding the reigns in our own life were absurd. You see, Ryan and I had already been living a life in submission to God long before the Army came into the picture.

Individually, we had each submitted our lives and bowed our knees to the Lordship of Jesus Christ as young people. As a couple, we had both submitted our lives as we knelt and took communion and said our vows at our wedding ceremony. And every year since, at the heart of our decision making was always a period of prayer and seeking the face of God as the master Author of our story. We had already begun our journey with Someone else calling the shots. God had called us and guided us at every step of our marriage, vocations, and ministry thus far. He was still doing it. We were just placing ourselves in His hands again, only this time, that submission took on the form of the United States Army.

What I Needed:

During this transition, what I needed was a sounding board. It was difficult to express many of my concerns and worries to our families. For starters, they didn’t have much wisdom or expertise in the matters of military life either. Our families had no basis for knowing what we were in for. They kept us on our toes with questions for which we had no answers. As someone who wanted to feel like we had a firm grasp on and new confidence in our new future, it felt embarrassing to respond to their queries with "We don’t know."

I also felt at odds sharing my fears about this venture because in all honesty, it was hard on our families seeing us say goodbye. It was painful for them to imagine their lives without us right around the corner to share in memory making, holidays, just-because drop-ins, or last minute dinner plans. Although it was never spoken out loud, the unspoken tension was "If you are so upset or unsure about this undertaking, then why did you choose it?" And that strain was difficult for me. I felt as if I couldn’t vent, cry, or process my concerns because no one really understood why we were doing this. No one could grasp why we signed up for this life in the Army.

At this earliest of junctures in our military career, I had no network of other military spouses to glean encouragement from or with whom to find solidarity. Truly, other than our denominational endorser and his precious wife, Richard and Brenda, there was no one in my life I could get answers from about what we should expect. At the time, that friendship was new and so I felt out of line assaulting our endorsers with a million silly questions. Without a sounding board or some seasoned military spouses speaking their wisdom over me, I felt exceptionally alone and without proper resources to help me settle into what our new life was about to look like. I wanted a bulleted list or handbook that would spell out very clearly what being an Army spouse entailed.

During Ryan’s final week of CH-BOLC, the families were invited to attend several days of activities. To say the week was traumatic for me is a gross understatement. I was like a volcano ready to erupt with all of the emotions I had been holding inside for months.

I was happy to see our children reunited with their daddy. I was overjoyed to have my partner back even if we were in temporary bachelors’ quarters, still living out of our suitcases. At this point we were days away from making the trek to our first duty station. And the closer it got to pulling out and driving away from our old life the more fearful I became. The second guessing about what we had signed up for became nearly constant. I was exhausted from the weight of being a single parent, living in my parents’ upstairs, and a summer of travel. I was anxious about the particulars of leaving South Carolina to set up a life in Texas two time zones away.

The graduation week festivities included a two day seminar set aside just for chaplain spouses. It was meant to be helpful and informative. It was meant to give a room full of over 100 wives access to some question and answer time. It was meant to give us a magnitude of information in matters such as how to navigate Tri-Care health insurance, proper etiquette at a ball or coffee, helpful tips on surviving a deployment, and encouragement to get involved in a chapel community on post.

I cried twice in those meetings over the course of two days; once when I excused myself from the room to talk myself down from an actual panic attack and once in front of a very gracious and understanding senior chaplain’s wife, Karen, who offered me a hug.

This week was the first I was hearing about the effects of a deployment on a marriage and on children. It was the first time I was really letting it sink in that the Army came