Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    From $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Change Your Mind: Co-Parenting in High Conflict Custody Cases
    Change Your Mind: Co-Parenting in High Conflict Custody Cases
    Change Your Mind: Co-Parenting in High Conflict Custody Cases
    Ebook122 pages1 hour

    Change Your Mind: Co-Parenting in High Conflict Custody Cases

    By Leo Terbieten MFT

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    My purpose in this book is to shed light and offer solutions to the seemingly unsolvable and destructive cycle of conflict between parents post separation.
    We’ll look at the impact of post-separation conflict on parents and children and present concepts that may help liberate your family from the nightmare of dealing with an antagonistic co-parent.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateJul 30, 2014
    ISBN9780692257999
    Change Your Mind: Co-Parenting in High Conflict Custody Cases

    Related to Change Your Mind

    Related ebooks

    Personal Growth For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • UNLIMITED

      Parental Alienation

      May 15, 2018

      Parental Alienation
      2 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Advice From The Bench

      Feb 15, 2022

      Advice From The Bench
      3 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Domestic Abuse Victims ‘Silenced’ By Family Courts And Forced Into Letting Dangerous Exes See Children, Warn Campaigners

      Jun 24, 2021

      Domestic abuse victims are routinely “silenced” by the family courts and forced into letting dangerous ex-partners see their children, campaigners said. In a letter, shared exclusively with The Independent, over 40 experts in the family law and viole

      4 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      She Said Her Husband Hit Her. She Lost Custody of Their Kids

      Jul 8, 2020

      Tara Coronado, a 45-year-old mother of four, sat in a nondescript Austin courtroom six years ago during a custody fight with her ex-husband, biting her tongue as the judge dressed her down. “There is a huge amount of anger coming from you,” said Jud

      27 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      He Didn’t Abuse His Daughter. The State Took Her Anyway.

      Sep 25, 2019

      An unwed father hopes his case will change the way courts decide what it means to be a parent.

      5 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      What It Means to Be a Bad Mom

      Jul 23, 2019

      What It Means to Be a Bad Mom
      6 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      We Need To Talk About The Emotional Abuse In Malcolm & Marie

      Feb 10, 2021

      Fifteen minutes into Malcolm & Marie, Sam Levinson’s black-and-white Netflix film about a conceited filmmaker and his partner, we hear the word “abuse”. Malcolm (John David Washington) is sitting at the kitchen table eating mac and cheese, verbally t

      4 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      The DIY Divorce

      Feb 12, 2019

      The DIY Divorce
      15 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Harsh Parenting Hurts How Kids With ADHD Do In School

      Jan 29, 2018

      Parent behavior may affect how well children with certain behavioral problems like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD, perform in school, a new study suggests. Researchers discovered an association between mothers that parent negatively—u

      3 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Are You Being Gaslighted ?

      Jul 22, 2019

      Are You Being Gaslighted ?
      2 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Breaking The Cycle

      May 15, 2018

      Breaking The Cycle
      4 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      5 Consequences Of ‘Too-nice’ Parenting

      Feb 17, 2020

      Empty threats will teach your kids not to take you seriously and that you can be manipulated or waited out. Eventually, they’ll start to filter out your attempts at discipline and consider you untrustworthy. Going back on your word leaves you open to

      1 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Covert Abuse

      Mar 15, 2020

      Covert Abuse
      2 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Welcome to Parent College

      Mar 14, 2016

      Welcome to Parent College
      16 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      MAKE IT stop!

      Mar 19, 2020

      MAKE IT stop!
      4 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Cheese Between The Slice...

      Nov 6, 2019

      Cheese Between The Slice...
      3 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Dear Ali ...

      Sep 23, 2022

      Dear Ali ...
      2 min read

    • UNLIMITED

      Dealing with DIVORCE

      Nov 13, 2022

      Dealing with DIVORCE
      3 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for Change Your Mind

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      Change Your Mind - Leo Terbieten MFT

      Generations

      A New Perspective on Co-Parenting

      My purpose in this book is to shed light and offer solutions to the seemingly unsolvable and destructive cycle of conflict between parents post separation. We’ll look at the impact of post-separation conflict on parents and children and present concepts that may help liberate your family from the nightmare of dealing with an antagonistic co-parent.

      Change Your Mind will help you in three important ways. You can:

      1. Become less emotionally reactive in dealing with the other parent.

      2. Learn to focus more on your kids and less on negatively engaging your co-parent.

      3. Learn about the nature of relationships and how your earlier experiences have conditioned you to accept unfulfilling relationships.

      Why co-parenting matters so much

      Clinical research on divorce overwhelmingly agrees on one point:

      It’s the conflict between parents, and not the divorce per se, that is most damaging to the children. And, I would add, also most destructive to the divorcing couple.

      To put co-parenting in perspective, it’s important to realize that the behaviors and attitudes described throughout this book are those of normally good people. Under the stress of custody issues, they understandably react badly.

      Although difficult, I believe that a shift in perspective is possible, and that it will defuse conflict. This shift can only come from your determination to change your mind about the need to react to provocation. By this, I don’t mean cave in and allow your children’s best interests to be jeopardized. Quite the contrary, I’ll emphasize ways of becoming a more effective limit setter.

      When you learn to change the way you respond to anxiety and threat, you keep yourself and your children safe. Your initial emotional reactions to the other parent’s provocative or concerning behaviors can enable them to label you the bad parent. They can use your emotional reactions against you.

      Case study – An abusive parent remains calm, while the abuse victim presents as anxious and controlling

      Joseph and Martha had been divorced for three years. Their 11-year-old son, Joey, lived primarily with Martha. Joseph had taken Martha to court like clockwork every year to get more custody time with Joey. Martha believed that Joseph was trying to increase his custody time in order to reduce his sizable child support obligation.

      Regardless of his motives, Martha felt threatened by Joseph. She felt that he was trying to take Joey away from her. Joseph and Martha’s personalities were polar opposites of each other. Joseph was calm but aggressive while Martha was anxious and insecure.

      Joseph’s constant attempts to get more time with Joey were not limited to his court actions. Barely a day would go by that Joseph wouldn’t try to intrude on Martha’s time with Joey. Joseph would call or text his son, suggesting they go do something together, during Martha’s parenting time, of course. Invariably, he was hours past the transition deadline when he dropped off Joey.

      Martha’s method of dealing with Joseph’s constant pressure was to become anxious and angry. She was extremely emotionally reactive toward her ex. Martha began to write emails threatening to take Joey away if Joseph didn’t stop his behavior. She left screaming voice mail messages on his phone.

      Needless to say, Joseph milked these reactive behaviors for all they were worth in the family court. He was able to gain extra custody time with Joey as a result. Joseph’s ability to push Martha into reacting emotionally got him what he wanted.

      The dynamics of these conflicts

      In relationships with constant conflict there’s an irresistible force at play. Often, it’s one parent’s intense and endless dislike, fear and mistrust of the other colliding with an immovable object—the co-parent’s inability or unwillingness to change how they behave. As a parent facing this problem you desperately need a means to protect yourself.

      Most importantly, however, the children need their parents to behave civilly toward each other. The critical and profoundly difficult question here is, are there practical and effective ways of dealing with this exasperating situation? It can seem impossible to avoid conflict when you’re dealing with an intractable or pathological parent.

      The importance of safety

      Based on 30 years of clinical experience, as well as my personal experiences with divorce, co-parenting and being a child of divorce, my perspective is focused on the importance of safety. Safety for the children is foremost during the earth-shaking transition of divorce, but I’m also referring to safety for the parents. If the parents are behaving in ways that place them in jeopardy, then the children also suffer.

      Fear and self-righteous anger come up at times during co-parenting. But before you write that scathing email to your ex-spouse (who really deserves it), remember that it’s critical to first change your mind from emotion to maintaining your safety.

      Write that email but send it to yourself instead of your co-parent. That way you get the satisfaction of expressing your deepest rage and indignity while remaining safe and secure. Don’t give the provocative parent the satisfaction of thinking that they were able to goad you into having an irrational outburst.

      And don’t give him or her the opportunity to use that against you in court, as Joseph did to Martha.

      Change Your Mind: Safety, Self-Protection and Assertion

      When I speak of the need to change your mind, I’m referring to two levels, the behavioral and the psychological. You don’t have to be in therapy to benefit from this approach, as operating solely on the behavioral level will impact the psychological level and vice versa. The benefits of this approach will strengthen your life and that of future generations of your family.

      What I’m advocating here is to be aware of your reactions and their consequences in your co-parenting relationship. The change your mind approach is not a panacea. It’s certainly not an instantly attainable goal, but simply a different way of perceiving your predicament.

      When provoked by a situation with your former spouse, the primary considerations should be for your safety and self-protection. This doesn’t mean that you should cower in fear, not express your concerns or forego taking legal action, as appropriate. I’m referring to the general inclination to react emotionally to a situation in which you feel provoked by the other person.

      A similar provocation in a business setting generally activates an automatic psychological safety buffer that prevents you from telling a superior or colleague what’s really on your mind. But in co-parenting situations, this safety mechanism gets overridden.

      At work you’d think, Caution—there may be negative ramifications for being reactive. But in a co-parenting context, you jump right to thinking, How dare you, and attempt to achieve a verbal nuclear direct hit on the other parent. You figure this isn’t work so you can get away with it. After all, you and your ex have lived together and are used to relating on a personal basis.

      Here are three examples of unsafe interactions with the other parent and how self-destructive they can be:

      1. Reacting emotionally to provocation keeps you emotionally engaged with them. How can you move on if you’re constantly pulled back into the relationship with your child’s other parent, especially in a negative way? It’s not up to the provoker to stop doing what they’re doing. Really, try to accept the fact that he or she is probably not going to change. It’s up to you to let go and move on despite the continued harassment and provocation.

      2. Speaking truth to the other parent opens you up to legal problems. I’ve seen countless examples of angry emails and texts used against a parent during custody disputes. As justified as you may feel in your angry response, the court will perceive you as an angry or controlling person, or even worse, as a perpetrator of abuse.

      3. Acting out or expressing your rage at your former spouse is harmful to the kids. Witnessing displays of anger between their parents can make children feel sad, anxious and confused.

      Remember, children’s identities are derived from their love of both parents. So when mom expresses anger at dad, or dad raises his voice at mom, the children feel there’s a part of them you hate. Reacting angrily toward the other parent is also poor role modeling. Do you want your kids to live with day-to-day anger and resentment toward someone else when they become adults?

      Changing your mind disrupts patterns

      When you change your mind, and therefore your actions, it deprives you of familiar, yet dysfunctional, avenues of expression and conflict resolution. Your typical attempt to resolve conflicts might be to escalate into a mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore state of aggression. Or maybe it’s passive-aggressively vowing that

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1