Conversation Peace: Improving Your Relationships One Word at a Time

An Offer You Can't Refuse

There it was, emblazoned in big, bold letters:

Never again find yourself at a loss in any verbal encounter!

Learn the magic words and phrases to control any situation!

Hmmm. Magic words and phrases? I turned the glossy brochure over. Amazing! With their cassettes, I'd learn the exact words and phrases to use! I'd be able to say the right thing almost automatically! I'd talk my way to extraordinary success … be popular … build friendships that last through thick and thin … get along better with my spouse and children … turn adversaries into allies—with just a few deft phrases! All this—and more—for only $59.95!

Wow! What a deal! If only it were true. Sixty dollars would be a small price to pay to transform my speech and improve my relationships! I sighed and let the slippery paper glide across the kitchen table.

Conversation peace. We all want it. The promise attracts us. But I suspect that learning a few magic words and phrases won't bring about the changes we desire. Even if the techniques are good, chances are that in the heat of conflict we won't have the power to curtail our anger and use them properly. No, deft phrases won't do it. Slick techniques won't do it. Money won't do it. If we are honest, we must admit that the only effective way to change our words is to undergo a powerful change of heart. And that's what Conversation Peace is all about: a change of heart. Being transformed from the inside out.

I believe that our communication problems are, at their deepest root, spiritual problems. As such, they require spiritual solutions. And for that, we must turn to God. Conversation Peace presents seven powerful speech-transforming elements that are based on the Bible. For the final word on how to transform our words, the Bible is our book! It sets a high standard for speech and also for thoughts and attitudes. But even more importantly, it reveals the secret for how to reach that standard—power. God's power. Not some magical formula or phrase. Not the right technique or combination of words.

That's not to say that practical techniques are of no use. They can be very helpful. And we'll be learning lots of them: listening skills, body language, resolving conflict, how to express yourself clearly, how to say you're sorry, how to resist manipulation, how to set a positive communication climate— this book is chock-full of practical advice. But at heart, this book is about God changing our hearts. He has given us his Word to transform and revolutionize our words and lead us into conversation peace.

Wow! What a deal! Come join me as we take him up on this exciting offer!

Mary

Our tongues determine the direction of our lives.

The Bible compares the tongue to a rudder of a ship and to a bit in the mouth of a horse. Though relatively small, all three of these—the rudder, the bit, and the tongue—have tremendous power. A rudder turns a ship, a bit turns a horse, and our tongue turn our lives in the direction we will go. Your tongue can take you into calm or troubled waters. It can make or break your relationships. Harness the power of navigation to turn your tongue in the right direction.

BREATH FRESHENER

For, ‘whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.' 1 Peter 3:10–11

CHAPTER 1

Put Your Hand to the Wheel

The tongue is our principle steering mechanism.

Where do you want to go today? God wants to take you to all sorts of fascinating places. But in order to reach these destinations, you will need to put your hand to the wheel to take control of your principal steering mechanism—your tongue. Have you discovered that whether you sail into calm or troubled waters depends a great deal on the words that come out of your mouth? Your tongue is the rudder that determines the direction of your ship.

The Rudder of a Ship

This summer my youngest son will make his maiden voyage as captain of the family fishing boat. It's a rite of passage that happens at about the twelfth year of every Kassian's life. The ceremony goes something like this: Grandpa Kassian will outfit his newest protégé in a captain's hat and puffy orange vest and seat him on the painted blue bench at the helm of the vessel—handon the tiller. After a few pulls, the three-and-one-half horsepower outboard will sputter to life, and with a push of his foot, Grandpa will launch the shiny silver craft out into the quiet waters of the lake.

Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.

JAMES 3:4

As instructed, the new captain will display his skill by taking five or six passes close to the shoreline bordering the cabin. Dad and Mom (that's me!), Grandma and Grandpa, aunts, uncles, siblings, and any other spectators in the vicinity will shout and cheer. Camcorders will whir and shutters will snap (more lake pictures for the album!).

Before making the solo flight, the young captain will have been tutored in how to steer the boat. Pushing the tiller starboard (right) turns the vessel port (left). Pushing the tiller port turns it starboard. Grandpa will have instructed him well.

The highlight of the demonstration occurs when the captain navigates the boat around in a broad circle and pulls back in along the pier. Victoriously, he'll turn off the motor, dock the boat, and run ashore to receive his accolades. Passing this test earns him the right to take the small boat out to go fishing in front of the cabin.

Steering a boat is based on a relatively simple concept. It operates on the principle of unequal water pressures. When a rudder is turned so that one side is more exposed to the force of the water, the stern (back) of the boat will rotate toward the side of the rudder where the water pressure is less. In small craft, the rudder is connected to a handle called a tiller and turned manually. In larger vessels, it is turned by hydraulic, steam, or electrical machinery connected to a wheel. In all cases, the rudder is relatively small but is responsible for setting the direction of the entire vessel.

In the Bible, the apostle James compares our tongues to the rudder of a ship. Our tongues navigate our ships. The word navigate comes from the Latin words navis, meaning ship, and agere—to drive. To navigate is to plan, steer, and manage one's movement and course.

Though ships are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. If a ship is not directed, it will be at the mercy of the wind and currents and will be lost or shattered on the rocks. By steering correctly, the pilot is able to move even a large ship in the right direction. In his book, James wants us to realize that what we talk is where we'll walk. If we use our tongues for good, we will head in the right direction; if we use our tongues for evil, we will steer our ship toward destruction.

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.

—EMILY DICKINSON

The Hub of a Wheel

In verse 6, James makes the point even more strongly. In this verse he compares the tongue to a spark of fire that burns down an entire forest. According to James, the tongue sets the whole course of a person's life on fire. The Greek word for whole course is trochos, which means genesis or beginning. The American Standard Version translates it as the wheel of nature. By using this word, James implies that the tongue is the hub—the beginning—of the whole round of human life and activity.¹

Imagine that the outer rim of the wheel represents all your life circumstances and all the activities you are involved in. The spokes of the wheel represent your relationships—family members, friends, coworkers, or neighbors. According to James, the tongue is like the hub at the center.

His point is that our tongues play a central, hublike role in our lives. He wants us to recognize that a small spark of evil on our tongue has the capacity to destroy all of our relationships and even our whole lives. If the hub of the wheel is on fire, the fire can quickly burn in all directions down the spokes to the rim of the wheel. From the burning hub, the whole wheel can be engulfed in flames.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it make great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire… . It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire.

JAMES 3:5–6

One summer, the year after he was married, my older brother, David, was trying to light a charcoal barbecue. He tried and tried, but it wouldn't light. As a final resort, he decided to use gasoline. Unbeknownst to him, a small spark had, in fact, taken hold in the coals. The spark was too small to see. It didn't let off any noticeable smoke or heat. But when David poured gasoline on the coals, the whole barbecue exploded. His burns—to more than 70 percent of his body—were life threatening. Thankfully, he recovered. But he had to endure excruciating pain and months of rehabilitation.

Not many of you have experienced the pain of badly burned flesh, but many of you have experienced the pain of badly burned relationships. Life has poured gasoline on your coals. The spark hidden in your tongue exploded into a destructive fire and has charred your relationships. The pain—and the rehabilitation—will be lengthy.

Controlling the Powerful Potential

Words are powerful. Patrick Henry's historic words, Give me liberty or give me death! inspired a nation to fight furiously for freedom. Mother Teresa's challenge, Let's do something beautiful for God, stirred many to contribute to the needs of the poor in Calcutta. Successful advertisers know that words influence the purchase decisions we make. Words are powerful. Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch them. Words can heal, soothing with balm, or cripple, drawing blood like a dagger. They make or break relationships—build up or tear down, bring peace or conflict, determine the destiny of individuals, families, and nations. That two-ounce muscle between your teeth is more powerful than any other muscle in your body! That's why it's so important to control it.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.

JAMES 3:3

James maintains that a controlled tongue is like a well-trained horse. When we put bits into the mouths of horses and train them to obey us, we are able to turn the direction of the whole animal. A trained animal can pull a plow or a wagon, carry a rider to his destination, or provide the energy needed to do chores. The energy of an untrained horse can't be harnessed for productive work. Loosed, it would run through the street wildly, causing damage and chaos. And it would probably injure itself.

It's the same way with our tongues. Free and untamed, our words can cause lots of damage. According to James, godliness involves bridling the free, uninhibited nature of the tongue and actively controlling the direction of our speech so that it becomes productive instead of destructive. To harness the power of navigation, we need to put our hand to the reins, take control of our words, and steer them in a positive direction.

Steering in the Right Direction

How we choose to use our tongues—for good or for evil— affects our whole lives. It affects the type of person we become and the type of experiences we will have. In Proverbs 12, Solomon compares and contrasts the characteristics and life experiences of those who use their tongues for evil with those who use their tongues for good. The former are reckless with their words. Their speech pierces like a sword. They are impatient, deceitful, duplicitous, uncaring, and vindictive. Solomon says that they will be trapped by their sinful talk. Because of their words, they will be despised, overthrown, and have their fill of trouble.

Those who use their tongues for good, on the other hand, will stand firm. Their speech will be righteous, truthful, and kind. They will promote peace and healing. Because they use words wisely, they will escape trouble. Their gracious speech will result in all sorts of awesome rewards. According to Solomon, there is joy in store for all those who promote healthful conversation.

One direction leads to conflict and chaos. The other leads to peace and joy. Just how do you begin to steer your vessel in the right direction? Our Breath Freshener on page 3 gives us a clue: Turn from evil and do good; … seek peace and pursue it. To pursue means to chase after. A pursuit requires time, energy, and commitment. Turning—changing—our words from evil to good also requires time, energy, and commitment. But above all it requires that we study to find what God has to say about how to use our mouths, and then rely on him to help us use them in the right way.

The Need for Navigation

From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him. … There is … joy for those who promote peace.

PROVERBS 12:14, 20

Recently, the captain of a Greek ferry put his instruments on autopilot as his ship, Express Samina, sailed toward the Aegean island of Paros. Captains are required to man the bridge for the last eleven kilometers approaching port, but he had sailed this route six to eight times a week without incident. Confident of the autopilot settings, the captain went for a little sleep while the first officer and crew left the bridge to watch a soccer match on television.

Three kilometers from Paros, the ship crashed into a rocky islet and sank. The islet was clearly marked with a light beacon; no attentive seaman would have missed it. But the captain was sleeping and unaware that his autopilot was steering the ship toward disaster. Sixty-six lives were lost. The captain and crew were charged with murder, neglect of duty, and violation of maritime procedures. How foolish of that captain to fail to actively navigate his vessel.

As you begin to understand the Power of Navigation, you will see that where you go today depends on what you say today. So put your hand to the wheel. Accept responsibility for your words. Don't blame others for what you say. As God transforms your speech, your relationships will improve, and you will experience more and more conversation peace.

CHAPTER 2

Sail for Calm Waters

The tongue can be used as a weapon or tool.

I'll never forget the first time I snorkeled in the calm warm waters off the coast of Maui. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced! A whole new world! Never had I dreamed that it could be so spectacular—amber, indigo, and emerald shapes on an iridescent crystal canvas. The sea life was astonishing in shape and variety: sea turtles, raccoon fish, long-nosed butterfly fish, gilded triggerfish, fantail, needlefish, Moorish idol, little bitty yellow tang—each discovery a new delight. And when I released a handful of frozen peas into the water, a shimmering curtain of finned creatures flittered around me, bumping and nudging to get at the small green floating orbs.

On the surface, between the warmth of the sun and the deep blue, dozens of windsurfers and sailboats bobbed along the horizon. A leathery old man sat statuelike on an outcrop of rock—his pole extended like Moses—waiting for his triumph. On the shore some children built a fairy castle of sand. Others squealed with the teasing advance of each wave. Young lovers crouched beside a barnacled boulder, searching for pearl-lined treasures. When the waters are calm, the ocean is a place of life wonderful beyond imagination.

Troubled Waters

Sadly, the waters of the ocean are not always calm. When storms hit, the ocean becomes a place of danger and death. The swell of a hurricane demolishes homes. Storms and squalls capsize mighty vessels or smash them on rocks like toys. Many have suffered and many have died in the arms of the water's cruel fury.

All those who come in contact with the ocean should have a healthy respect for its life-and-death power. Likewise, all of us ought to have a healthy respect for the life-and-death power of the tongue. With our tongues we can direct our ships into calm or troubled waters—into the waters of peace and life or into the waters of war and death.

The tongue has the power of life and death.

PROVERBS 18:21

David was in big trouble. His enemies were pursuing him. They undoubtedly carried swords, arrows, and spears in their hands, but it wasn't these weapons that concerned him the most. David considered the edge of the tongue to be even more dangerous than the edge of steel. He was being attacked by wicked conspirators, who sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows (Ps. 64:3). David complained, See what they spew from their mouths—they spew out swords from their lips (Ps. 59:7). The sharp edge of his enemy's mouth had the potential to cut David more deeply than the sharp edge of a knife ever could.

On Edge

I am in the midst of lions; I lie among ravenous beasts—men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.

PSALM 57:4

A sharp-edged knife is an essential tool for cooking. One of my husband Brent's recurring complaints has been the condition of our kitchen knives. Brent enjoys spending a Saturday or Sunday afternoon chopping and mixing exotic ingredients in order to sauté, baste, braise, or broil the latest dish featured on a television cooking show. (Bam! Throw in some spices. Kick it up a notch!) However, the bargain-store set of knives we received as a wedding gift eighteen years ago just aren't cutting it. (Pardon the pun.)

How can he achieve culinary excellence when his scallions and shallots are getting mulched instead of thinly sliced as the recipe says? His frustration reached such a point that one day I arrived home after running errands to find all but one knife in the garbage can. (Being the practical type, I rescued them.)

For our next anniversary, I will give Brent a set of heavy-duty professional chef knives made of stainless steel. Recommended by the best chefs in the USA. Guaranteed for professional results! They lie in wait on black velvet in a glass-and-aluminum enclosed case. Just a few moments ago, I opened the case and lightly brushed my thumb against the edge of the largest knife. It's sharp. Very sharp. An edge like that is certain to cut. It'll be great for cooking!

Unfortunately, as we all know, a sharp knife also can be used as a weapon. The same edge can create or kill—it all depends on how it is used. The Hebrew word for mouth is often translated edge. Like a knife, the tongue has a sharp, powerful edge that can either create or destroy. It can function as a helpful tool or a destructive weapon.

David knew firsthand that a wound inflicted by the tongue bleeds the spirit more severely than a wound inflicted by the sword bleeds the flesh. Have you ever felt like David? Have you ever felt wounded by the sharp edge of someone's tongue? Have you ever felt ambushed? Attacked? Cut to pieces? I have. People have hurt me deeply with their words. But it's sobering for me to realize that my mouth carries the same edge as theirs. It has the same destructive potential.

A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.

—ROBERT BURTON

The Bible is replete with verses describing the destructive power of the tongue. Here's just a sample of the comparisons.

Jeremiah 9:8—deadly arrow

Proverbs 16:27—scorching fire

Psalm 140:3—poison of vipers

Job 5:21—lash/whip

Proverbs 18:7—a snare

God wants us to be aware of the potential of our tongues—the potential for evil and for good. According to Proverbs 12:18, speaking recklessly is one way we use our tongues for evil: Reckless words pierce like a sword. The same verse outlines what happens when we use our tongues wisely, as a tool: The tongue of the wise brings healing.

Swords into Plowshares

In the ancient world, swords were the most common weapons of war. The Bible tells us that during war, the Hebrews would make swords from their plowshares (Joel 3:10). A plowshare is the cutting edge of a plow— the agricultural tool that cuts furrows in the soil and prepares the ground for planting. The word plow (Latin, aratio) literally means to open up the soil. It's closely related to the Anglo-Saxon ar from which we derive the English word oar— a rudder that plows the sea. The edge of the plow cuts through the ground like a rudder cuts through the water. It was this cutting edge that the Hebrews used to make swords. When peace returned, the Hebrews hammered the swords back into plows (Isa. 2:4; Mic. 4:3). The edge that killed the enemy in times of war was the same edge that, in times of peace, provided the Hebrew community with food. The sharp edge had two functions.

A sharp tongue is the only edge tool that grows keener with constant use.

—WASHINGTON IRVING

Like the edge of a sword and a plow, our tongues can operate in one of