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    Bad Teacher: Hilarious tales of staff misbehaving
    Bad Teacher: Hilarious tales of staff misbehaving
    Bad Teacher: Hilarious tales of staff misbehaving
    Ebook165 pages1 hour

    Bad Teacher: Hilarious tales of staff misbehaving

    By Jenny Crompton

    4.5/5

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    About this ebook

    We can all recall a little rule bending in our schooldays - the Geography teacher who preferred to talk football than fold mountains; the sixth form head who let out the odd swear word. But pity the poor students who encountered the educators in this book. This hilarious exposé of life inside a modern-day classroom covers a host of teacher tardiness, truanting and tellings-off, including:

    The role-play loving maths teacher who used the quiet time afforded during pupil tests to practice his swordplay for his forthcoming historical reenactment weekender.

    The bitter art teacher who, during the midst of his divorce from his third wife, cracked open a can of beer and asked his students why women are 'hardwired to be soul-sucking, money-grabbing b****es'.

    Covering all subjects from primary school to college, this assembly of bloopers will leave you amused and worried for our schoolchildren - all at the same time!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateOct 18, 2013
    ISBN9781782431664
    Bad Teacher: Hilarious tales of staff misbehaving

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    Book preview

    Bad Teacher - Jenny Crompton

    DRINK, DRUGS, DISORDERLY CONDUCT... AND THAT’S JUST THE TEACHER.

    MIDDLE SCHOOL RELIGIOUS studies students in New Haven, Connecticut, USA, were delighted to hear that their teacher was unwell one morning, and justifiably bemused to be greeted by a supply teacher instead. But they soon began to suspect that Ms Bennett’s class would be one to remember when she started behaving rather oddly, talking distractedly and gazing up at the sky. When she then singled out all the spectacle-wearers, ripped their glasses from their faces and flung them out of the window, crying ‘God needs them to see your love for him, my children!’ – their suspicions were confirmed.

    AN AGEING maths teacher in Kent, UK, was renowned among her pupils for paying scant attention during class; most lessons involved her setting an hour’s worth of calculations and then inventing spurious reasons to go to the staffroom so that she could smoke.

    Inevitably her bored students took to devising ever more ludicrous schemes to rouse her from her reveries, and the gauntlet was well and truly thrown down after two of them managed to excuse themselves mid-lesson by announcing they were both due at a Grade 3 banjo exam. Not to be outdone, the class clown climbed onto a windowsill at the back, jumped out onto the grass, walked around the side of the classroom in full view of her incredulous friends and the teacher – had she been looking – and then wandered back in through the classroom door and sat down as if nothing had happened.

    Unsurprisingly, nothing happened.

    A SPANISH teacher returning from a week’s illness was stunned to be rounded on by the colleague who’d covered her classes in her absence. Apparently the teaching paraphernalia on her desk had prevented him from spreading out his newspaper to do the cryptic crossword.

    AN ANCIENT French teacher in Warwickshire, England, was either too engrossed in verb declension or simply counting down the days until retirement when he failed repeatedly to stop his bored students from passing the time by engaging in ever more dangerous activities before his very eyes.

    ‘In the end we took to making flame throwers out of deodorant cans and cigarette lighters,’ one of them later recalled. ‘The old duffer never noticed, even when we started melting each other’s bags. The stench was unbearable.’

    PERHAPS BAFFLED by apparent contradictions in her student-obedience training and her health and safety training, a newly qualified religious studies teacher in London insisted her pupils tidy their classroom, close all the windows, stack their chairs on the desks and then line up in alphabetical order – before adhering to the fire alarm and quickly leaving the building.

    STUDENTS AT a small-town Christian school in Texas, USA, were forced to have strange lapses in their knowledge thanks to a devoutly religious teacher who refused to teach anything from page 666 in the textbook. The page was tainted with ‘the mark of the beast’, she patiently explained, and consequently anything written on it was neither worth knowing nor even looking at.

    Q: By what process is water vapour turned into clouds?

    A: God.

    A PURITANICAL English teacher in Virginia, USA, took her scruples to extremes when she misquoted a line from literature in order to avoid saying the word ‘breast’. Reading from William Congreve’s play The Mourning Bride, the teacher said, ‘Music has charms to soothe a savage beast.’ When a student told her it was not ‘beast’ but ‘breast’, he was given detention for using foul language.

    A TEACHER in Dublin, Ireland, was infamous among her students for pacing the classroom muttering the instructions for making scones like an incantation: ‘Sieve flour, salt, baking powder. Rub in the butter. Add the sugar.’ Useful information, certainly, but not entirely relevant to the study of history.

    A GEOGRAPHY teacher in Glasgow, Scotland, decided to liven up his class on icebergs with a little role-play. He turned up with a white sheet over his head and spent the entire class in the guise of a talking iceberg.

    A CHEMISTRY teacher in Scotland had just mixed two chemicals in a test tube and was holding it up to show the class.

    ‘Now,’ he said, ‘this is an exothermic reaction, so it can get a little— AAAARGH!’

    A WOODWORK teacher in Minnesota, USA, baffled his students when he asked them all to bring their favourite stuffed animal to class the next day. He baffled them even more when he then proceeded to cut off every one of their heads with a rotary saw.

    AN ISRAELI teacher tasked with collating a list of troublesome students ahead of a school trip in March 2013 unexpectedly found herself on the receiving end of a stern telling-off when she accidentally emailed the document to the students themselves.

    The teacher had polled her colleagues at the Yitzhak Rabin High School in Kfar Saba for frank assessments of their charges and had compiled a spreadsheet in which, for every ‘quiet’ and ‘pleasant’ student, there was another who was ‘not too bright’, who was ‘a sicko’ or ‘a big baby’, or who had ‘a voice like a four-year-old’ or ‘a thing for boys’.

    The students in question refused to let their teachers brush the incident under the carpet, turning up for school the next day with their supposed flaws taped prominently across their chests and inviting reporters to cover the story.

    TEACHING ISN’T known as the most lucrative of careers, and one teacher in Boca Raton, Florida, might in normal circumstances have been forgiven for doing the occasional spot of moonlighting – if only her choice of freelance work had involved her wearing rather more items of clothing.

    In April 2013 it emerged that Olivia Sprauer, an English teacher at Martin County High School, had instead taken ‘moonlighting’ quite literally and been working as an ‘eye-candy model’ for a magazine run by XXXTremeVisionRadio. Under her assumed identity of Victoria Valentine Jones, she had revealed in an interview that she would be ‘more than comfortable shooting tasteful nudes for the right projects’.

    The school board generously gave her the opportunity to begin considering the tastefulness of such projects sooner rather than later by firing her on the spot and having her marched off the premises, although Sprauer told reporters she had been planning to make a career move into full-time modelling in any case.

    NO MATTER how enthusiastic most new teachers are at the start of their educational odyssey, there sadly comes a time for many when they realize that, when all is said and done, teaching really is just a job – and a thankless, ill-paid one at that. But reveal this apathy to your students at your peril, teachers: nowadays every single student is potentially just seconds away from turning your world-weary rant into an instant Internet sensation.

    In May 2013 a certain Mrs Phung, a teacher in Duncanville, Texas, made a throwaway comment in class that implied

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