Phone Home, Persephone!

BOOK

It’s me again, Hades. You know, Lord of the Dead? Ruler of the Underworld? Right. That Hades.

If you’ve read any of the Greek myths, then you know that my little brother, Zeus, is Ruler of the Universe. But did you know that Zeus is also the Biggest Liar in the Universe? He lies about his weight. He lies about his height. He even lies about his sandal size. He is a total myth-o-maniac (old Greek speak for big fat liar). So is it any surprise that Zeus’s version of the myths is a pack of lies?

Take The Big Fat Book of Greek Myths, for example, the latest selection from the Big-Fat-Book-of-the-Month Club. The stories are all about mighty, monster-slaying Zeus. Powerful, thunderbolt-hurling Zeus. Handsome, irresistible to-goddesses Zeus. Zeus is always a hero. And who is eternally cast in the role of bad guy? The sulky, bad-tempered brother banished to the Underworld? Three guesses: Hades, Hades, Hades.

Just take a look at what Zeus did to the story of how I met my bride, Persephone. I swear, he made the whole thing up just to make me look bad. Go on, read it for yourself!

Total poppycock! Persephone wasn’t out picking any flowers. She was running away from her overprotective mother. And I never grabbed her. She hitched a ride to the Underworld!

I couldn’t stand it that everyone who read the myths would think of me as some sort of kidnapper. That’s why I wrote my own book—to tell the world the truth. So here’s the real deal on how I met Persephone and how she became my part-time Queen of the Underworld.

A few millennia ago, we gods defeated our big bad dad, Cronus, and his Titan brothers in a colossal battle for control of the cosmos. After we won the war, we had to decide who would be the new Ruler of the Universe. I was all set to take over. I was the oldest god, for one thing. Plus, I knew I was strong enough, brave enough, and smart enough to be top god.

But my sneaky little brother, Zeus, had other ideas. He convinced us—my sisters Hestia, Demeter, and Hera, and my brother Poseidon and me—to settle the question by playing a game of poker. Who won? Zeus, of course, with a little help from some extra aces up his sleeve. He took over Dad’s old job as Ruler of the Universe. After a lot of quarreling, Hestia became goddess of the hearth, Demeter became goddess of agriculture, Hera became goddess of marriage, and Poseidon became god of the seas.

Even before things got sorted out, I’d had it with my squabbling siblings. I was so sick of them all that I volunteered to move down to the Underworld and become its king.

For me, the Underworld was perfect. My brothers and sisters would never visit me, because they’d have to walk for days and days to get here. It was the only place in the universe that gods couldn’t simply chant the astro-traveling spell and—ZIP!—show up. The Underworld was private. It was quiet. It was home.

But every once in a while, I needed a change of scenery. One thing I liked to do was hitch my steeds, Harley and Davidson, to my chariot and gallop up to earth to catch a wrestling match. The mortals in Athens, a city in Greece, were wild about wrestling in those days. Since I’d competed in wrestling in the very first Olympic Games, the Athenians treated me like a champ. They even gave me free seats in their new wrestling stadium, fourth-row center.

One day, I saw a great match between Eagle-Eye Cyclops and Hot-Mouth Chimera. I had three uncles who were Cyclopes, and I always rooted for their wrestling relatives. I put my money on Eagle Eye, who defeated the firebreathing Chimera. I won a bundle. Afterward, I left the stadium, tipped the valet-parking mortal, jumped into my chariot, and took off down the main street of Athens.

It had changed quite a bit over the past few hundred years. Where once there had been only a few goat cheese and fig stands, now enterprising mortals had set up new shops: Demetri’s Sandal Repair, Sea Nymph Bait and Tackle, and even Ari’s Speedy Wedding Chapel, with a sign that read:

GOT X MINUTES? GET MARRIED HERE!

Why anyone would want to do such a thing, I had no idea. My little brother Zeus had been married seven times and counting. But me? I was absolutely and completely happy as a single god.

I rode out of Athens and cut through a field, heading for the cave that’s my secret shortcut entrance to the Underworld. Not far from the mouth of the cave, I saw someone waving wildly at me. She wasn’t very big, so at first I thought she was mortal. But as I drew closer, I saw that she had the telltale glow all immortals have, and I realized my mistake.

Whoa, Harley! Whoa, Davidson! I called, pulling on the reins.

My steeds slowed down and came to a halt beside the goddess. I’d never seen her before, but that was hardly surprising. My brothers and sisters and the other Olympians were always marrying each other and having children. You mortals might think that’s strange, but from the beginning of time, we immortals have always married each other. The truth is, we gods live by different rules from you humans.

In any case, I didn’t get up to Mount Olympus much, so there were lots of gods and goddesses I hadn’t ever met. This goddess had long, honey-colored hair pulled back in a flowered headband. Her white robe was belted with a flowered girdle (old speak for belt). She even had a little flower-print purse and matching sandals. Over one arm she carried a big picnic basket.

Hi! the goddess said cheerfully. Oh, what fine steeds!

She ran over and began patting my horses, and I noticed that wherever her feet touched the earth, pink clover sprang forth on the spot. Harley and Davidson noticed this too, and right away they started nibbling.

May I help you in some way? I asked, stepping out of my chariot.

The goddess nodded. Can you give me a lift? she asked. I mean, you don’t have to, if it’s too much trouble, but I really do need a ride.

Okay, I said. I hope it isn’t too far, though, because I have to get back to the Underworld and walk my dog.

The Underworld? The goddess gasped and stepped closer to me. She smelled just like a flower herself. You live in the Underworld?

I nodded. I’m Hades. I rule the place. And you are . . . ?

Oh! The goddess clasped her hands together. I’ve never met anyone who’s actually been to the Underworld, and now here I am, meeting the king! I am so excited. I’m Persephone, by the way, goddess of spring. Maybe you’ve heard of me?

I hadn’t, but it seemed rude to say so. Before I could say anything, a loud ringing filled the air.

Persephone reached