Sex Toys 101: A Playfully Uninhibited Guide

introduction: toys in babEland

A few years ago, during the annual Gay Pride Parade, we introduced Brooklyn to Toys in Babeland’s most prized possession—our giant, velvety pink vulva costume. With our logo pinned on the back and a Sex Educator inside, the giant vulva pranced down the street handing out stickers that shout Polish Your Pearl! and Pet Your Bunny! (euphemisms for female masturbation). Gay Pride is a time to pull out all the stops—the perfect opportunity to bring Pussy Power to the outer boroughs. ■ Like Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, the gigantic vulva was the star of the parade. She shook hands with politicians, posed for snap-shots with tourists and charged at gay men who shrieked in mock horror. One man with a three-year-old child stood on the sidewalk, both of them enjoying the pageant. When the man saw the big pussy approaching, he leaned down and whispered in his child’s ear. The little boy smiled broadly, waved to the vulva, and shouted Hola, Vagina! ■ Toys in Babeland is out to give sex a good name. We’re a fun-loving, feminist sex toy store, celebrating sexual vitality and educating our community. Women and vibrators go together like kitties and catnip, yet most places that sell sex toys make women uncomfortable. At Toys in Babeland, we have created an environment where women feel welcome.

While we are careful to make Toys in Babeland a comfortable place for women to shop, our message (and our toys) appeal to men, too. The Sex Educators at Toys in Babeland are like the sex-positive sisters most guys never had. (We call ourselves Sex Educators because we educate people every day as we assist customers.) As cheerleaders for sex toys, we encourage people of all genders and sexualities to pursue their desires, whether those include sex toys or not.

We talk with people about sex every day, and that on-going conversation is the heart of our business. It is the most fun and meaningful part of what we do. There are few spaces in our culture where people can talk about sex openly. In our stores and through our website people get accurate answers to their questions about sex, find out about themselves, and shop for the toys that may help them have new and better sexual experiences.

We created Sex Toys 101, our signature workshop, to present the information we know about sex and sex toys all at once, like a detailed tour of the store for a whole room of people. Through Sex Toys 101 and other workshops, we pick up sex education where discussion of the fallopian tubes and ovaries leaves off. Our workshops have developed into short, powerful consciousness-raising sessions where participants learn about sexual pleasure, and realize they aren’t alone in their desire to know more. We share what we know about sexual anatomy, orgasm, and sex toys, and extol the benefits of masturbation, especially for women. As the sex information starts to flow, the room becomes a space where people are free to be honest about their sexual experiences. Camaraderie grows as women who ejaculate find out that it’s not urine they are spurting, and pre-orgasmic women share their experiences getting to the plateau and no further. The workshops gather people who are opening up to their sexuality, and give them a chance to hear how others experience sex. Everyone seems to feel less alone as they leave, and supported in their search for sexual happiness.

This book grew out of a desire to share that energy and information with more people than those able to take our workshop. Here we offer all the information we’ve gathered through the years and serve it up with generous sides of encouragement and advice. We’ve coupled our text with full-color photographs of some of the toys, in hopes that seeing how good-looking they are will help dispel some of the negative preconceptions about sex toys. Some of them are gorgeous! (Please note that the photos do not show the toys’ actual size.) We hope that you’ll use this book to get information, inspiration and maybe a laugh or two. We think it’s attractive enough to be a coffee table book; and hope some of you may be inspired to leave it out in the front room, and share it with your friends. Interesting discussions can get started that way.

If you want more—sex facts, advice, or to see the latest in toys, please visit our website www.babeland.com. And you are welcome to contact us directly with reactions to the book, ideas for new toys, or other thoughts: [email protected] and [email protected].

Happiness is what sex is about. Sex toys enhance one of the most playful and liberating parts of our adult lives. For many women, a good vibrator can mean the difference between having orgasms and just wondering about them. For many queer people, dildos and harnesses open a new world of sexual satisfaction and gender expression. Some governments fear sex toys’ inherent promise of liberation, and outlaw them. Four states—Texas, Nebraska, Georgia, and Massachusetts—currently have laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, and many cities have ordinances that curtail access to these playthings. In Texas, would-be sex toy buyers have to sign a release stating they are purchasing the toy for educational purposes only. It is easier to buy a gun than a vibrator in Texas.

We dream of a sexually liberated citizenry, and by promoting sex toys we hope do a little bit toward bringing about that happy day. We hope this book opens some doors for you, sparks your imagination, or at least answers a question or two. One world, under lube, with vibrators and dildos for all!

Peace and love,

Rachel and Claire

CHAPTER 1

let’s play doctor sexual anatomy

One memorable fall, Toys in Babeland Sex Educators had a chance to take our G-spotting workshop on the road and into sex-ed history. The carnival-style book release party of a friend of Babeland provided us the opportunity to invite women—and their partners if they had them—to learn about their G-spots hands-on. One Sex Educator played our carnival barker, luring the curious onlookers into our semi-private G-spotting tent. Once they were inside, we gave them more than just a lecture.

Up to 10 people could crowd into the tent at one time. One of us would give a cursory explanation of female anatomy, less instruction than they would get at a proper workshop, but more than they ever expected to get at a book release party in a bar. We showed an anatomically correct vulva puppet and a few excellent G-spotting vibrators, then taught them the classic come here motion—the curling fingers that so many people use to stroke the G-spot. Then, a Sex Educator snapped on a latex glove, lubed it up, and dropped the bomb: Okay, who wants to experience it?

Jaws dropped open, and there were audible gasps. We didn’t know whether anyone would drop her pants or raise her skirts, but the promise of feeling G-spot stimulation doled out by an expert proved too compelling for these seekers to resist. A hand shot up. We have a taker! cried the G-spotting expert.

The woman took her place on a chair, and used one of our vibrators to get warmed up. She pulled down her panties. Her boyfriend was looking over our shoulders, focusing on what we were doing as if studying for the most important test of his life. The Sex educator put two lubed fingers in the student’s vagina, searched for the rough spot on the front wall, and gently pushed and rubbed. The woman’s body language told the whole story, as her legs parted and her back arched. What did you just do?? the boyfriend asked, frantic. We explained what to feel for and where. The girlfriend said, I told you, it’s right there! We gloved the boyfriend and coached him. After the lesson, the couple exited the tent, holding hands, aglow with their new sexual knowledge.

Once the first intrepid woman took our offer, there was no turning back. The line outside our tent snaked around the bar all night.

What’s Under the Hood

Knowing sexual anatomy is like having a road map—you might get to your destination if you just start driving and get lucky, but getting where you want to go is a lot more likely if you have a clue to where you’re headed. We’re going to lay out the map of down there with an eye to making sex better; if you understand the mechanics of sexual response, you’ll be a better lover to yourself and others.

EXPLORING UNCHARTED TERRITORY

Although sexual images and information seem to be everywhere these days, a lot of people still don’t know much about sex. There is a persistent myth that you don’t need to seek out knowledge; instead, if you just do what comes naturally, sex will be deeply satisfying. Doing what comes naturally (whatever that is) might work sometimes, but for many people, especially women, that belief leads to a lot of frustration. Learning to reach orgasm is not always easy for women. While some girls do discover their orgasmic capabilities through childhood or adolescent masturbation, many women don’t learn to come until they are adults. Learning how to get yourself off is as important for self-sufficiency and emotional intelligence as knowing how to cook a meal or make a friend. In addition to the sisters are doing it for themselves factor, women who can’t come through masturbation are less likely to reach orgasm with a partner. But, most of all, the ability to give yourself that pleasure will make you calmer and happier.

Full-Body Arousal

When you think about sex, your attention probably focuses down there—but genitals are just part of the body’s sexual response.When a person is aroused, the brain releases a powerful cocktail of hormones and chemicals that create a sense of well-being.Skin becomes flushed and muscles tighten. Erectile tissue everywhere—including penis, clitoris and surrounding tissue, nipples,and lips—becomes engorged, and the vagina gets wet. Eyes brighten the sense of smell is enhanced, and the skin releases pheromonesof seduction and pleasure. The body becomes more responsive to stimulation and less sensitive to pain.

No wonder we like it!

Perhaps to compensate for high levels of female sexual frustration, romantic love has long been touted as the ultimate achievement for women. Not to knock being in love, but what happens if that prince or princess never shows up, or if when they get us back to the castle they ignore our clitoris? Sexual desire is a natural part of the human experience, and denying ourselves the pleasure of a deeply satisfying sex life is unnecessary.

Good clean fun: the Sponge Vibe.

So, knowing a thing or two about your body (and the bodies of your lovers) helps ensure against a lifetime of sexual frustration—reason enough to start exploring (if you haven’t already). For most men, learning the lay of the genital landscape is pretty simple, and the basic techniques of masturbation come easily. As accomplished masturbators, men move on to partner sex already knowing how to get off. Unfortunately, sometimes men inadvertently train themselves to come quickly—which can lead to adult sexual encounters that are over before they have even begun for the women. On the other hand, our sex is shameful culture leaves many women so out of touch with their sexual response that it takes them a long time to come (if they come at all). That sucks!

Sexual desire is a natural part of the human experience, and denying ourselves the pleasure of a deeply satisfying sex life is unnecessary.

Sadly, there is still a lot of disapproval of girls and women who explore themselves. Fear of that disapproval, coupled with the fact that female genitals are less visible, means women often are mystified about what’s down there and how to enjoy it. Sex education offered in schools doesn’t do much to clear up the confusion. There are plenty of films about fallopian tubes and descriptions of sexually transmitted diseases, but nothing about sexual pleasure or how to get it.

Despite the confusion surrounding women’s sexual response, a woman’s sexual anatomy is no more mysterious than a man’s is. In fact, for the first eight weeks of fetal development males and females are indistinguishable. The first stages in the development of the sexual organs are the same. As the fetus develops, male and female sex organs differentiate, but all of the final structures have analogs in both sexes. A little known fact (most doctors and parents keep it hidden) is that a number of people—1 or 2 in 2,000—are born intersexed, with genitals that are not clearly male or female, an unsurprising phenomenon considering that the organs start out the same and can go either way depending on which hormones do or do not come into play. It is part of the variation of sexual development. That same variation explains why genitals are like snowflakes, no two the same.

While women and men have many structural and functional similarities and analogous organs, there are important differences in our sexual road maps. Here is a rundown on the genital basics and how to enjoy them.

What Women Have

When a woman is standing up, not much shows of her genitals but the fur covering the pubic mound and the outer lips and perhaps the inner labia peeking out—unless she has a porn-star shave job, in which case what shows is a lot more skin. To get a good look at herself, a woman must get a mirror, sit down, spread her legs, and explore. Any woman reading this who hasn’t taken a gander, do it now! It’s your body, after all—get to know it. Men, if you have a woman lover, ask her to let you take a close look with the lights on. Not only can you learn a thing or two, it’s sexy.

Godmother of Masturbation

Betty Dodson, the godmother of masturbation, leads masturbation workshops for women and offers individual coaching. Oneof her videos, Celebrating Orgasm, shows Betty coaching four different women while they masturbate. A client in her thirties did not know where her clitoriswas. With the woman holding a hand mirror so she could see her own genitals, Betty showed her where the clit had been hiding.It’s a good thing to know, said the woman. She then went on, with Betty’s loving encouragement, to masturbate to orgasm.For women who have never had orgasms, we recommend Betty’s video, Selfloving, and her book, Sex For One.

Betty’s Barbell

It’s your body, after all—get to know it.

At first glance, the clearest features of the genitals are the two sets of lips, inner and outer, the tip of the clitoris, the vagina, and the anus.

MEET THE CLITORIS

The tip of the clitoris is the round nub right above the meeting point of the inner labia. It is protected by a little fold of skin, or hood, which is a good thing, because there are 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings in the clit, and even a light touch is usually extremely intense. As with the penis, the clit is composed of erectile tissue and gets bigger and harder when a woman is turned on. A lot of women prefer their clits touched through the hood, while others enjoy direct touch, usually once they’ve been warmed up. The clitoris is the only organ in the human body whose sole function is pleasure. How cool is that?

That visible nub of the clit, called the glans, is just the tip of the iceberg. From the exposed tip the shaft continues beneath the skin toward the pubic bone. When a woman is aroused it’s easy to feel the shaft beneath the skin—it’s a hard inch (2.5cm) or so cylinder of tissue about the width of a straw. After the first inch, it splits into two legs that are similar in shape to the wishbone of a chicken. These legs curve back beneath the labia toward either side of the vagina. The clitoral legs are too deep to feel with the hands, but their presence is one reason why vaginal stimulation feels so good.

Say Hey to the Hymen

Most people know that girls are born with a thin membrane of tissue, called the hymen, which covers or partially covers thevaginal opening. It is usually torn through physical activity or penetration. What you may not know is that sometimes partof the hymen stays intact after the initial tear. Even sexually experienced women may find that a particular position or alarger partner causes discomfort or tearing long after virginity is a distant memory. When torn, the hymen often leaveslittle pieces of membrane inside the vaginal opening. These hymenal tags can be sensitive to the touch. (Thanks to LauraWeide for telling us)

More erectile tissue comes in the shape of two bulbs, nestled just beneath the inner labia between the skin and the clitoral legs. These bulbs reach back to the sides of the vagina. When a woman gets turned on, they swell up with blood and exert pressure on the clitoral legs and the vaginal walls, and the whole area becomes more sensitive. The entire vulva becomes thicker and swollen as the tissues become engorged—and if you are looking for them, you can see these changes—as visible evidence of arousal.

THE VAGINA

Many people envision the vagina as an open space, waiting to be filled by a penis or sex toy—or as a tubular exit route for babies. In fact it is more like a muscular envelope—the sides touch each other, and separate only when something is inserted. The vagina leads to the cervix, which is the gateway to the female reproductive system. The hole in the cervix (the os) is the only other way in or out, and it is tiny, so there is no danger of losing dildos or other sex toys in the vagina. Most of the nerves are concentrated around the vaginal opening, within the first inch (2.5cm) or two. Between the opening of the vagina and the opening of the anus is a plexus of blood vessels, called the perineal sponge, which also becomes engorged and sensitive during arousal. Farther in from the perineum, the wall between the vagina and the anus is quite thin and elastic.

Wondrous Vulva Puppet, by House O’ Chicks.

The mucous membrane of the vagina naturally lubricates when excited. The amount and characteristics of this wetness vary a lot depending on several factors, including age, hormonal cycle, diet, stress, and level of hydration. While lubrication can be a good physiological indicator of arousal, its absence doesn’t necessarily signal a lack of desire. Natural lube can be supplemented with lube in a bottle. We recommend plenty of water-based lube for penetration, because it lessens the friction that can abrade sensitive tissue. Having to stop fucking because the vaginal opening is sore when the rest of your body still wants it is a bummer.

The majority of nerve endings are around the opening and in the first third of a woman’s