Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two

ALSO BY ISOLINA RICCI

Mom’s House, Dad’s House

FIRESIDE

Rockefeller Center

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright © 2006 by Isolina Ricci, PhD

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

FIRESIDE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information regarding special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-800-456-6798 or [email protected].

Designed by Jan Pisciotta

Manufactured in the United States of America

10  9  8  7  6  5  4  3  2  1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN-10: 0-7432-7712-0

ISBN-13: 978-0-743-27712-9

eISBN: 978-1-416-59572-4

Dedication

This book is dedicated to you, the reader.

Contents

Meet Dr. Isa

A Message for Parents

Kids—Read This Page First

PART I SEPARATION AND DIVORCE TERRITORY

Chapter 1 Splitting and Dividing

What’s True about Divorce

What’s Not True

Your Feelings

Your Parents and Siblings

Whom Can You Talk To?

Are You an Only Child?

Understanding What Your Siblings Are Going Through

Questions and Answers about Separation and Divorce

The Miserable Middle

Chapter 2 Changes and More Changes

Great Ways to Stay Connected

One Home, Two Homes

Friends and School

Parents

The Family Team

Grandparents and Other Relatives

Your Parents’ Legal Business

Chapter 3 New Ways

New Ways for Parents

You Can Become an Ace Solution Finder

Parents Going Out and Dating

A New Kind of Normal

PART II STEPFAMILY TERRITORY

Chapter 4 Coming Together

Quiz: What Do You Know about Stepfamilies?

Your Family Feeling

When Parents Get Married Again

Moving in Together

Chapter 5 Learning to Live Together

Stepfamily Tasks

Ways to Get to Know Each Other Better

Negotiating New Rules

Trouble Among the Parents

Familiar Gripes of Kids in Stepfamilies

Solving a Family Problem

Chapter 6 Moving Forward

A New Baby

Feeling More Like a Family

Chapter 7 Stepparents and Stepsiblings

Stepparents

Stepsiblings

PART III BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Chapter 8 Take Care of Your Body

How Do I Take Care of My Body?

Chapter 9 Protect Yourself

Some Really Big Problems

Secrets

Promises

How to Get Safe

Remember, You Are Not Your Parent

Chapter 10 Have Dreams and Goals

Power Daydreaming

Learn How to Bounce Back

Get Moving with Your Own Dreams

Chapter 11 What’s True about Life

You Are an Original

Thinking Traps Are Gross

You Can Train Your Brain

You Can Make Smart Choices

You Can Repair Bad Choices

You Can Take Care with Your Feelings

You Can Have Someone to Look Up To

Chapter 12 Believe in Yourself

You Can Have Heart

Know You Can Do It!

PART IV EXTRAS

Books

Web Resources

Sample Problem Solvers and Worksheets

Worksheet: Six-Step Solution: David’s Too-Long Commute

Worksheet: Six-Step Solution

Worksheet: Gina’s Music Camp: Solving the Puzzle

Worksheet: The Prize Puzzle Pieces

Thank You

Index

Meet Dr. Isa

Hi, I’m Isolina Ricci. Kids call me either Dr. Isa (EEsah) or just Isa. For many years, I have been a counselor, teacher, and mediator for lots of families where the parents were separated, divorced, or remarried. I also taught other counselors, teachers, lawyers, and judges about what families need. Many parents and grandparents know who I am because I wrote the book for adults called Mom’s House, Dad’s House.

Kids and their parents have taught me a lot about what is important to them. My own kids (I have five of them) also went through my divorce. Now my kids are all grown up and doing well with families of their own. I’m a very happy grandmother (six of my grandchildren are between the ages of ten and fourteen). For fun, I love watching my grandkids play soccer or baseball, dance, do karate, or ride horses. I always enjoy hearing about their projects, playing games with them (they usually win), cooking or drawing together, telling stories, and watching major league baseball together.

A Message for Parents

Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids is an inside view of separation, divorce, and forming a stepfamily. It is primarily for children ten and older to read alone or with their parents. It is meant to be an encouraging and realistic friend that empowers children with practical ways to gain understanding, some perspective, and self-knowledge. It’s an operating manual with a message: Believe in yourself, take pride in your family, and use times of change to get stronger and learn important life skills. Many children will be relieved to read this book because it can affirm and express their experiences. If you also read this book, your child can take comfort in knowing that you have the same frame of reference—especially with delicate subjects like anger, panic, and feeling disloyal or in the middle.

As a parent, you know the challenges you face as you divorce or remarry. These family changes can bewilder and upset children even when you assure them that things will turn out well down the road. But, take heart; children can and do travel successfully through major life transitions, especially when they know parents love them and are doing their best to steer the course. You have this book because you sincerely want to do the right thing for your child. You may have already covered many of the topics in this book with your child (or are well on your way). If so, this book can help your child remember your advice, validate your perspective, and continue being open with you. If you and your children are just beginning the process of transition, then this book can be useful in offering ideas, concepts, and guides for your consideration. If you have younger children between the ages of eight and ten, they can also benefit from this book if you select passages and read them together. If your child is younger than eight, you can read the book yourself for ways to help your child express feelings. Children between six and eight may seem self-sufficient, but they can be much more vulnerable to fears and misunderstandings. Select topics cautiously, rephrase them in your own words, and encourage questions.

The three goals for this book are to

Offer the reader maps through divorce and stepfamily territories with defined regions, things to know and do, a sense of what’s ahead, and the final destination.

Establish a sense of order and structure around major transitions with enough information to empower but not overwhelm.

Reinforce your role as a parent by encouraging your child to strengthen certain life skills and attitudes that foster resiliency. These skills can help children bounce back from tough times and also believe in themselves and in their future.

Your child will probably enjoy this book best when read a few pages at a time. Encourage him or her to take it slowly. If your child is shy about expressing a feeling or a desire, you might suggest that he or she point to a page or leave a marker on pages for you to read. Please do not pressure your child to read certain passages. Children have their own internal wisdom that tells them when they are ready to deal with their feelings and when to share them with others, including their parents. Some children will not verbalize their feelings, but are more comfortable expressing themselves by drawing, writing in a private journal, engaging in fantasy play or games, or through physical activity. You know what’s normal for your child. If you feel uneasy about his or her behavior, do discuss your concerns with a trained counselor or your pediatrician.

Finally, and this might be the last thing you want to hear right now, healing and adjustment always seem to take more time than we expect. During big transitions, children require more, not less, attention from parents. But, this often comes at a time when parents are preoccupied with heavy responsibilities and major life transitions. So, treasure those little ways where you reassure your child that you will always love and take care of them—no matter what. You are your child’s safe haven.

Kids—Read This Page First

This book is about how to stay strong, feel better, and succeed in life when your parents separate, divorce, or get married again. It has tips, exercises, and examples that encourage you to develop skills for bouncing back from puzzling or difficult situations and ways to get smarter and stronger. Learning these skills can help you your whole life.

You can’t do anything about your parents’ big decisions—especially about separation, divorce, or getting remarried. But, you can do a lot to help yourself. This doesn’t mean that everything will always feel great or that you won’t get discouraged. But, it does mean that step by step you can feel stronger and more confident. You can find ways that work for you. Even when things take more time than you want, you can still get there. This book shows you how.

No matter what happens with your parents now, you will eventually grow up to have your own separate life as a young adult. This book will encourage you to believe in yourself and follow your dreams. You can do a lot more than survive. You can grow up to become the successful person you are meant to be.

What’s Happening to You Now?

Maybe your parents are just talking about separation or divorce, or it happened a while ago. Maybe one or both of your parents remarried, or it’s just happening now. No matter if you live in one home or two, you will find some ideas, answers, and problem solvers that could work for you. No book can deal with every family situation, but you should be able to find some things here that will be useful for your life now and later on.

How to Read This Book

Read this book a few pages at a time. You don’t have to start at the beginning. Go to the pages that are most interesting first. Other pages will be more interesting later. Each chapter has information for different situations with lots of stories, lists, and examples.

The pages in this book are like the pieces of a big puzzle. So, if you want the whole picture, you eventually have to read it all.

Here are some of the things you’ll find in this book:

Tips are ideas you can try anytime—today, next week, or whenever.

Words to Try are suggestions you can think about when you want to speak up.

Train Your Brain exercises are ways to learn important skills like getting organized, solving problems, or succeeding.

Let’s get started!

Separation and divorce are a little like a long road trip. The destination is a new version of normal family life—one that is different from what you knew before but is still right for your family.

Your family’s road trip might be short and simple, or it might be long and complicated. Things may seem better for a while, then worse, then much better. The road might be fairly straight, or curve back and forth. Every family’s trip is different. But no matter what happens along the way, try to remember that you can use what you learn to help you stay strong and get smarter about things. Eventually things will settle down and you will arrive at your destination. There may be moments when it feels as if your world is coming to an end, but it won’t. However, it is changing.

SNEAK PREVIEW OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE TERRITORY

Splitting and Dividing. This is just before and after your parents’ separation. For some families, it’s shock and weirdness time. You may hear your parents arguing. You wonder what’s true and what’s not. You’ll find out about your feelings, how to feel better fast, and how to use a special energy. You will also find out how to stay out of the miserable middle of your parents’ problems and get some straight answers to your questions.

Changes and More Changes. This is when your parents have started living in two different places. Some kids have just a few changes. For other kids, there are a ton of changes to get used to. This is why this chapter is so long. Whether you are in one home or two now, you will find out about living in a new home, new rules, and new routines. You will find ways to stay connected with your parents, family, and friends; deal with stuff at school; see grandparents and other relatives; and celebrate holidays. You’ll probably still have some strong feelings about everything while the adults are figuring it out. With good information and ideas, things can be much easier.

New Ways. Here is where daily life gets much better even though people may still have a bad moment or even a bad day. By this time, you and your family have settled into routines and schedules. Feelings have settled down, too. You’ll find tips in this section on how to handle yourself when your parents are meeting new people, different ways to solve problems, and how to work together as a family team. Even though you may have some surprise creep-ups of old feelings, life is a lot more fun as you reach your destination—a new kind of normal family life.

Your parents’ separation and divorce is one of the biggest things that will ever happen to you. So, no matter if the divorce was years ago or if it’s happening now, you can decide to help yourself understand better, gain important life skills, and go on to succeed in life.

Remind Yourself

• I can help myself in lots of different ways.

• I can use my experiences to get stronger and smarter.

• I can figure out how to handle things as my family changes.

The time before and just after the parents split up can be painful. Kids can feel suddenly different. Their feelings might be hurt a lot. Maybe they feel shocked, sad, or scared. Even when parents say everything will eventually turn out okay, some kids can feel as if they are in the middle of an earthquake or bad dream.

This is the WORST day of my LIFE! Daria shouted to her parents. I don’t WANT you to divorce! I want things to stay THE WAY THEY ARE NOW! How could you do this to me! Daria’s little brother started to cry. Later, she listened as her parents explained how they would take care of them as they always had, only now it would be in two homes instead of one. That helped, but Daria still felt awful.

The twins Zoe and Amy knew their parents had problems. Mom and Dad were grouchy with one another, and their father had been sleeping in the den for a long time. When their parents said they had something important to talk about, Zoe whispered to Amy, Divorce. That was last week. While Amy felt as if her world was falling apart, Zoe wasn’t upset. She was just going to see what happened.

When Luke’s mom told him last month that his dad wasn’t coming back home, Luke felt relieved. He won’t have to worry about Dad being drunk and acting crazy. His mom said things will work out much better for everyone. Luke still felt weird and wondered if his father still loved him.

Ben slammed the door to his room. He didn’t want to listen to his parents’ ugly fighting again. Dad had moved out two months ago, but that didn’t stop the arguments. Now Mom said she was going to get full custody, whatever that meant. No one ever told him anything, and his sisters were no help. He put on his headphones and turned the volume way up.

Justin’s