The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting

Introduction

Name: Honest Toddler.

Status: Not potty trained, not trying.

Age: This many.

Likes: Cake, running, shows, games, and red drink.

Dislikes: Naps, bedtime, unsolicited eye contact, quinoa, pants, and all forms of discipline.

If you are holding this book in your hand, whether you bought it with money or just picked it up and ran to the car, you’ve made a good choice. Toddlers are misunderstood and the one in your life is probably disappointed in you. Read this book if you want to get better at what should be your number one priority: making your small child happy.

Don’t skip pages, this isn’t a bedtime story (yeah, we know) but a manual that will revolutionize your life. You’re welcome in advance.

P.S. Grandmas: You’re doing great. Keep it up. (Love you.)

1

Why Did You Do That?:

The Ins and Outs of Toddler Behavior and How to Leave It Alone

Dear Honest Toddler,

My two-year-old is terrified of the vacuum cleaner, but I need to clean. What can I do!?

—Messy in Bakersfield, California

Dear Messy,

Kill the vacuum cleaner with a knife. You can always wipe down the house with damp newspaper.

Lots of love, HT

Dear HT,

My toddler has been acting like a bit of an animal lately. Ripping paper money, peeing on the outside plants . . . we’re at our wits’ end. Any advice?

—Losing Steam in Atlanta

Hi Losing Steam,

When toddlers act out, it means they aren’t getting enough love or red drink. Try increasing both, and while you are losing things, you could start with the judgy tone.

Sincerely, HT

Listening ears, gentle hands, inside voices. If you’re an adult, you’ve probably used these terms three to four hundred times in the last ten minutes. Question: Do you know what minding your business means? It means letting your child’s spirit remain free. Your number one responsibility as a volunteer caregiver is to keep the unbroken crackers and full-strength juice coming. Rather than trying to fix your blessing, you should try to understand your sweet baby’s behavior so that you can provide more attentive customer service. This chapter is dedicated to helping you become a better unpaid intern to your toddler.

Tantrums

There’s a very dirty word that is commonly used to describe the mild outbursts of emotion that toddlers display from time to time. That word is TANTRUM. Not only is this descriptor condescending, it releases the party responsible (you) for said tantrum.

Wrong: Oh, Maya’s just throwing a tantrum. Let’s stand here with arms folded like despots and wait for it to pass.

Right: Maya is lying on her back in this crowded restaurant, screaming and trying to kick everyone within roundhouse distance. I wonder how I failed her?

Do you see how language creates toddler bias? From now on, we’ll be throwing the word tantrum in the metaphorical outside trash and replacing it with loud response.

Last week I shared a loud response in our local Linens ’n Things. Don’t be confused by the name of this retail outlet. There are no Things. Just Linens. After forty-six hours of wandering this textile purgatory, I felt a volcano erupt in my middle back. The last thing I remember is trying to rip an Egyptian-cotton duvet with my teeth and releasing my bowels on a couple of crushed-velvet throw pillows before running for my life. My behavior was a response, not a random occurrence.

Parents, if you wish to gain the respect of your toddler, the first thing you need to do is own your mistakes. For instance, if my parents and I had been at the toy store eating delicious and nutritious ice-cream sundaes, like I’d asked, we could have spent the money that went toward those pee-pee pillows on the new toys I desperately need. Do you see?

Research: Go out into the field and observe loud responses firsthand in order to get a sense of why and how they occur. A popular place for scouting is the grocery store between four and five thirty P.M. While you’re most likely to find an outburst occurring in nearly every aisle, for the best lessons, visit the cereal/snack/chip lane. The market is a land mine for parent/toddler conflict due to overuse of the dirty word NO. Also, most people don’t realize this, but green vegetables emit a field of negative energy that contributes to the sadness and rage children feel while food shopping. Combine these factors with post-nap confusion, coupled with a literal wall of delicious but unavailable refined carbohydrates, and yes, you guessed it: loud response.

Right now you’re asking yourself, Wait a minute, why don’t these parents just open a box of Ritz crackers right in the grocery store so their child will be happy? What’s wrong with that?

Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with that. It is only the stubbornness of adults that prevents them from tearing apart a box of cereal at both ends so their child might have the strength to make it through the late afternoon.

They say pride comes before a fall. In this case, it comes before loud and, honestly, quite impressive responses on behalf of toddlers around the world. Parents, don’t fool yourselves. Loud responses cannot be prevented by inCARTceration. It’s fairly easy for an experienced toddler to erupt in emotional pain and low blood sugar–fueled angst while secured in the front half of a shopping cart. Our arms are free to slap. Our feet can still connect with your kneecaps. Our heads can roll around in figure-eight formation while we release screams so gut-wrenching that strangers correctly assume you’re doing it all wrong.

The only solution is to open the Goldfish, yogurt (eating yogurt with hands is okay), or family-sized package of licorice right then and there. The evil voices in your head might be whispering things like Don’t give in, don’t cave. Silence the chatter and bring your awareness to the present. And buy presents. Buy them for your toddler. Shower him with food gifts.

One of my favorite loud responses to watch is the one that takes place when a parent tries to prematurely remove a child from the park. Everyone knows that we have an obesity epidemic on our hands, so why not let your budding athlete exercise until after the sun has gone down and the prime-time television lineup has begun (that’s the real reason you’re going home, isn’t it?). I admire children who literally go the extra mile by engaging their parents in a mad chase around the play structure to prevent the scoop ’n’ go. In my mind, I scream Run, Forrest, run! as Mom or Dad tries desperately to catch their sprinting young gazelle. It’s a beautiful thing.

Outbursts are not to be feared. They’re to be prevented, and only you have the power to do that. The next time you think about walking out of Starbucks with a grande nonfat extra-hot hazelnut mocha for yourself and no giant chocolate-chip cookie for your patient cherubesque darling, consider the consequences. Are you ready for a throwdown? Because we are.

Note: Loud responses are between you and your child. Taking photos for Facebook or discussing them with other parents is unnecessary and a violation of privacy laws. Bringing up a loud response long after it has occurred is emotional abuse. Once the squall has passed, wipe the sweat off your face and move on.

Homework: Go to the grocery store with your child at five thirty P.M. When the loud response starts, scream, EVERYONE SHUT UP, I NEED TO HELP MY CHILD. Then open four large bags of chips and a juice box. Let your child feast.

Deadweight/Going Boneless

Adults, do you enjoy running errands? That’s fantastic. Go on your own time. There isn’t a toddler in the world who wants to accompany you on a thirty-six-store whirlwind of boring. The worst part about running errands is that actual running is discouraged. And we’re never rushing out to pick up Popsicles or glow sticks; it’s mostly dry cleaning and cupboard liners.

You already know that loud responses are your fault. There is another toddler phenomenon that you bring upon yourself. Deadweight, otherwise known as Going Boneless, is when your toddler opens a valve within his or her brain that converts hard bone minerals into bubble gum and increases body weight by 70 to 80 percent.

Activating deadweight is very simple. Every toddler has his unique style, but I prefer a straightforward approach.

How It Starts

1. Slow motion: Your toddler will begin walking as if each step is physically painful. I like to thrust my shoulders forward, causing my knuckles to graze the ground.

2. Verbal indicators: I’m tired. I can’t walk. Did you hear that? You are now at a crossroads. Smart parents will immediately pick up their toddler and find the nearest Cinnabon. Stubborn parents will soon be humiliated in public. Saying things like C’mon, let’s go, we’re almost there feels like a slap in the face to the child, who you say means something to you.

BAM! It’ll be sudden. You’ll look back and spot your child on the ground. First, you’ll be shocked; your eyes will dart around to see if anyone is watching. Oh, trust me, they are.

I love the way parents always try to act like they can’t believe what they’re seeing. What? My otherwise obedient child is lying on the sidewalk like a discarded flyer? Heavens, no! LOL, you’re not fooling anybody.

Time to make it right.

Here’s What NOT to Do:

DO NOT try to pull your innocent child up by one arm unless you’ve been dying to visit your local emergency room and explain to the nurses why baby’s arm is dislocated. You like jail?

DO NOT contort your face like a Disney witch and angry-whisper in your child’s ear. You look funnier than you could ever imagine. But nobody’s laughing.

DO NOT make wild threats, because you sound crazy.

When toddlers Go Boneless, they can’t hear the world around them. Only harps and angels. And the angels are saying, Stay down, baby, stay down. Don’t bother making ice-cream promises. It’s too late for that. The only solution is to airlift your toddler out. Your child is no longer capable of using her muscles. You broke them when you broke her trust. Be sure to support your toddler’s flopping head.

Remember: This is your doing.

Homework: (1) Practice running errands online. (2) Next time you’re out of the house and your child’s legs stop working, immediately rush to his side and pick him up. If you have too many bags to hold or a stroller, leave everything in the street.

Listening Ears

If you’ve ever asked a child in your care to put on his or her listening ears, this section is for you. Even if your intentions are pure and you need your toddler’s attention for the purpose of asking what type of cake to prepare for lunch, it’s time to throw this insipid term out the car window.

Before writing this chapter, I interviewed a prominent pediatrician. After she was done poking at my bare stomach (lawsuit pending), she revealed to me that listening ears do not exist. You might feel like a fool. This is normal. Forgive yourself and keep reading.

Let’s get to the heart of the matter. When you ask your toddler to put on fake ears, what you’re really trying to say is LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. Surprise! Your toddler hears you. He or she is just practicing what we in the toddler world call selective acknowledgment.

Your child probably does not have a hearing problem. There’s no need to snap your fingers close to your kid’s ears and watch for corresponding blinks. We can hear you; we are just not interested.

Allow me to set the scene: You’re in the kitchen sweeping up nothing and decide your child is having too much fun in another room without you. Loneliness hits you in the face, and you begin to yell your toddler’s name over and over like some kind of entitled foghorn. Nothing happens, so you morph into Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and storm into the family room, where your child is building the most beautiful block cityscape the world has ever seen. Standing five feet away from your future award-winning architect, you loudly say his name over and over. Anger rises in your frail body when your toddler doesn’t even flinch. You suddenly realize how annoying you sound and walk away.I

Wrong Question: Why is it that my child seems to block out my voice?

Right Question: What am I saying that is so offensive/irrelevant that my child has no choice but to ignore me?

There are four conversation topics that will always cause you to be on the receiving end of selective acknowledgment. If being heard is important to you, avoid these topics. Life is so easy.

Four No-No Convos

1. Meal Calls

Noah, it’s time to eat more quinoa or fish larvae—who knows, because they look exactly the same. Tali, wash your hands for lunch, even though these shrimp tacos will probably cause you more physical harm than germs will.

If the breakfast, lunch, or dinner you’ve prepared smells good enough, you won’t need to bark an announcement. Selective acknowledgment is a cue that you need to throw away the stuffed cabbage (why?) and dial 1–800 Plain Cheese Pizza. Do not expect your toddler to come running for a casserole that looks like a waste of cheese and smells like a bouquet of resentment. Say it with me: toast.

2. General Check-ins

Felix, what are you doing in there? Felix? Felix!? Stephen, your silence indicates that you’ve found something interesting to do. Please confirm or deny, because I say so.

You sound so needy, you have no idea. If you, the adult, find yourself in a room different from your child, it is your responsibility to check to make sure all is well. During their rounds, prison guards go from cell to cell. The inmates aren’t required to scream verbal assurances all day while their captors browse Pinterest for wine-cork crafts. Take the .01-mile stroll. Bring a water bottle if the distance proves too taxing.II

3. Formalities and Greetings

Robert, come say hi to Aunt Betty on the phone. Your friends are leaving your birthday party, Rebecca, come say goodbye!

What? No. Just no. These people will survive without a forced smile, wave, or salutation. Toddlers know that adults spend 80 percent of their lives pretending to care about people who matter very little to them (Facebook), and we’re committed to avoiding a similar fate. If you wish to extend words of fake kindness to a person, do so, but don’t expect your toddler to look up.

4. Transitions

Hey, Isabella, drop everything and break the concentration you’ve built up since forever. Time to try something new and probably undesirable. There’s nothing a toddler hates more than the next thing. If your end goal is to change tasks, even if it’s from gluing beans on a piece of paper to gluing pinwheel pasta on a piece of paper, please prepare yourself for, at best, selective acknowledgment or, at worst, a loud response.

When you notice your special toddler engaging in selective acknowledgment, get excited, because it means she is most likely very gifted. You may be tempted to put a hand on your child’s shoulder or do an upper-arm grab to get her attention, but really, that’s bordering on assault. If assault is part of who you want to be, by all means.

There’s even more good news. Selective acknowledgment has a partner skill known as hyperawareness. I can hear someone open a bag of chips through seven solid brick walls in the middle of a thunderstorm while sleeping. Please hold your applause.

Important note: You may have noticed an extension of selective acknowledgment called the blank stare. Savvy toddlers use the blank stare as a way of letting you know that they are not connecting with your information or that they have temporarily abandoned present reality for a more entertaining dimension within their psyches. I blank-stare at least three to five times a day. It DOES NOT help to crouch three inches from your child’s face and repeat your query ad nauseam. If your child’s eyes are glassy and her mouth is slightly agape, know that you are very important and your message will be answered in the order it was received.

Inside Voices vs. Outside Voices

Outside voices win. The end.

Homework: Stop acting like you know everything.

Whining

When adults talk about being tired or the price of onions (nobody asked you to buy them), it’s called complaining. When Adele does it, it’s Grammys. But when your toddler musically communicates dissatisfaction, you label it whining. It’s time for adults to acknowledge whining as a legitimate form of speech.

Wrong:

Amazing Child: Moooomyyyyy, I neeed heeeelp.

Cold-as-Ice Lady: I can’t hear you when you talk like that. Just kidding, I can, but self-righteousness is in style, and I want to be impressive.

Right:

Amazing Child: Mooomyyyy, I neeed heeeelp.

Beautiful Lady: Oh my goodness, how did I let this situation get to the point where you feel so frustrated? At least I’m here now. How can I serve you my angel/master?

When your toddler is forced to extend vowels, that means she is upset, and unless it’s illegal to be sad, you have no ground to stand on. In some cultures, whining is considered a signal that a child is dangerously low on M&M’s. Let that idea sink in.

Whining is actually an instrument, much like a violin or a drum. When you stop thinking about whining as a problem and start dancing to the melody of your child’s needs, life will reward you with tasks. If, after all of this knowledge, you still don’t enjoy whining, try harder to anticipate your toddler’s wants.

Toddlers often whine when they are bored, because their toys are no longer entertaining. You can remedy this by replenishing the toy supply every week. Do not throw out the old ones; just let the pile grow. Always have something fun—like a PEZ dispenser or Silly Putty—in your pocket to prevent sadness in your child’s heart. Keep some Skittles in a small