From Half To Whole: A journey to overcome the battle scars of adoption and living to tell about it.

Foreword

Where do I begin?

Our journey to adopt two brothers from Poland, ages five and seven, did not begin the day we decided to take this leap and end the day we brought the boys home. It started years before, with failed in-vitros and numerous emotional setbacks; with all the amazing people we met along the way who helped us before, during, and after the process; with the boys’ introduction to Amerika; and with the upheaval it caused to all of us, which at times made us wonder if we made the right choice. Our story is very personal and raw, but I feel people need to know about adopting older children—the effort that goes into it and the great rewards when suddenly you realize you have made it up that steep and rocky climb to become a solid family unit. Older kids need a home just like newborns and toddlers do. Yes, they are tougher, they have anger, and sometimes they have no respect for elders, because they have been terribly betrayed by the adults in their lives. But when they soften and learn to love, the rewards are great. Is dealing with all of this easy, even if you recognize all of these issues? I find the answer very difficult to pinpoint. On one side, we have all the compassion in the world for them. We feel so badly about how they were treated so unfairly, and we feel that our love will change all of that. I wholeheartedly believe that, but in everyday life that compassion gets tested—over and over again. Moms, especially, get tested, and more sometimes than seems possible to endure. How do we get through it? With prayers, support, and more support. That strength we need must come from somewhere outside ourselves.

Of course, when we’re in the midst of the daily madness, we don’t always realize what our love is doing for our children. But every once in a while, when we sit back and watch them excel, watch them grow, and think about all that might have been if we didn’t bring them home, it’s overwhelming.

That’s why I hope my boys will read this story someday—so they can understand what our life was before they came into it and how our lives changed afterward—the struggles, the anger, and the hope. Even though we fight, and fight, and fight some more, at the end of the day, we know we will love each other till the end. I recently found a letter my Dad wrote to my mom in 1939 telling her how happy he was with their recent engagement. It showed a romantic side of my dad that went on for years that we, as children, never saw or maybe never paid attention to. That’s why I hope this book will give my children some understanding of us, as people and as parents, like that letter did for me all these years later.

It’s hard on me when we fight for a long period of time, because it hurts me and it hurts them. I feel as if they don’t appreciate the life we fought so hard to give them. They’re mostly just kids being kids, but for me it’s so much more than that.

Now, will your story be exactly like mine? NO. No two families have the same endings. I’m not writing this book to tell you how to do any one thing, any one specific way. I want you to know that we went into this blindly, just like you. Did we know the outcome? Did we know what we were doing every step of the way? Hell, NO! But life with kids, whether adopted or not, is a journey with an unknown ending. So don’t be scared, don’t be worried; we all go in this blindly and do our best.

Have you ever heard an adult adoptee say something like . . . "People don’t understand. These ARE my parents; they raised me!" Those words, said aloud, can change the life of an unsuspecting child. Those are the words that finally made my husband say okay to the idea of adoption after three years of artificial insemination and in-vitro. I couldn’t go on any more. I was so down and out, unable to go on with the idea of any of it anymore. Every aspect of having a baby had become so mechanical and timed. There was no pleasure anymore. The probing into our personal lives, not to mention our personal space, had become so overwhelming. But that’s what we do when we are desperate; we don’t care when we start out, but time takes a toll on both of you—the losses, the needles, the hundreds of vials of blood, the pain, the sonograms, the 4:00 a.m. run to New York to do the final procedures. And the hormones. Who knows what’s in those hormones! If I’m not mistaken, it all gets concocted from horse urine. Oh, the fun of just knowing that!

Adoption had been in the back of my mind since I was a child. Why, I don’t know, but eventually its timing was perfect. My husband was ready! The whole family—my in-laws, our brothers and sisters—embraced it with open arms. They were kind and understanding from beginning to end and still are. They are always there to talk to, to cry to, and to vent my frustrations to. They always seem to have some type of advice that does me good, and with that, we have turned out to be a pretty great family, even through the toughest of times.

Our family is now going into eight years together, and we are finally settling in. I remember reading an article once that said it takes about five years for a blended family to start to fit; I remember thinking, How the hell will I ever survive FIVE YEARS before we blend? Well, you do it. It’s harder than I imagined, and I think my family will all agree with that! There are times when getting along seemed impossible. But when I hear from others what a good job we are doing and see some of the issues others have without the background of adoption, I keep fighting the fight, because others see what I don’t see, and they tell me so. I’m thankful for their feedback. Without that, sometimes I don’t think I would realize how good the boys are doing. That feedback encourages me to back off a little bit and take a deep breath.

Right now the teenage years are in full swing, and sometimes it seems our success is still in question and their future is still unclear. But I hope and pray that in the time we’ve had together, we have been able to give the boys some stability and knowledge for the future, along with security and love that will last them a lifetime.

It hasn’t always been smooth and easy. Having them come to us at five and seven years old leaves a lot of unknowns for us, things we’ve had to face blindly, not knowing where their attitude or actions were coming from. But by being open with them about their adoption, by listening to others, and by being brave enough to confide in others, we have found answers that have brought some peace into our lives, and for that, I’m thankful. While putting our lives out there for people to judge is not easy, I feel it’s necessary so that others have some realistic insight, and maybe it just might help someone. If you’ve just started the adoption process or you are a few years in and are questioning yourselves, whether you raise your eyebrows at us and think we’re nuts or can relate and feel glad, you’re not alone. I hope you enjoy this book. I also hope you get something out of it that will help you get through whatever it is you’re facing or dealing with now, either at this moment or for a long time. We all need support. Know that until I found a support group, I had many nights crying on the bathroom floor feeling there was no one I could turn to for help. The funny thing is, they were able to tell my stress level just from the state of my hair, before I even opened my mouth. My hair was either a frizzy disaster or it was calm and in control.

Through my support group, I grew and learned. And I, along with my husband, have always found the strength to keep going, knowing that tomorrow is another day. We have never turned to any help through antidepressants or other pharmaceuticals, and for that I am proud. If you’re at a turning point and don’t think you can go on, know that tomorrow is another day, as is next week, next month, next year. You have the power to change things. Dig deep inside of yourself, and if you can’t do it, don’t do it alone. Talk about it with someone. Ideas ignite from conversations! Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do; things build in your mind and most times are worse inside your head than they are in reality. Rely on the principles within your heart, and when it comes to school issues, confide in the principals and superintendents at your school; they are there to help. And they are great at gauging whether the trouble your child gets into is just normal kid stuff or an issue related to being adopted.

That was a huge help to me from third through fifth grade, when there was trouble—and there was trouble! Know you have a voice. They will listen, and if you’re not getting what you want, reach out to others who are going through the same types of things. Whether it’s bullying or social anxiety, Individualized Education Programs (IEPs) or the lack of one, etc., people are willing to help. At times you may feel the school system is overlooking your needs. Keep on top of them! Don’t be scared to talk. Feel it out. Your conscience will guide you, and always remember: There is always someone out there who has it worse than you! Think about it, and that will put everything in perspective.

I now believe I’ve finally reached the point where I can honestly and wholeheartedly pour out my story—no holds barred. I’m not afraid of revealing the truth—of what the past eight and a half years have held for our family. The good times and the bad. We’ve been through so much.

One night while talking to my sister about the ups and downs we’d been through and the success we had even though the battles were tough at times, she said to me, You have the battle scars to prove it. Battle scars. Yes, she hit it right on the head. Thus, the word Battle scars in the title; it says it all. Every life has its battlescars—some are deeper than others—and I’m sure there will be more ups and downs and roller-coaster rides that we will face even after this book is complete. But I hope to give you some encouragement to move on with your desire to adopt, because in the end—although the reasons for adoption are unique to each person—the rewards are great, for everyone involved. My boys needed a family, and we had so much love to offer. I don’t regret our choice,

I’ve worked hard to deal with the every-day-at-home nonsense. With three boys and two dogs, the noise level and the bickering that goes on gets to me. I can’t deny that. I work very hard to stop things before they get rough, but sometimes no one hears me. So the noise level is then more intense because I am adding to it. I work on that every day. Some days I do great; other days I fail. I’m human, and so are you! Plus, that’s life with kids. I’m told I will miss this when they are gone, but I doubt it. I’m looking forward to peace!

Since there are so many funny stories that have come up along the way, I want to include them here as well, to ease your fear that everything about adoption is heavy or scary. You should not be thinking about all that could go wrong before you even get your child/children. I’ve read a few of those books, and instead of inspiring me, I grew anxious, put the book down, and never went back to it, worried that adoption came with too much worry. Yes, the fear of the unknown is great. But educating yourself about adoption is a must if you are going to dive into it. It’s a waste of time to read about all that could go wrong; that just made me panic way too much.

So I hope you enjoy this family collaboration and gain some insight on the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what we’ve done to get through it all while giving two children a new life that we hope and pray they will do something unbelievable with. To know we had an essential part in what they will become is something I know we, as parents, will be proud of someday. Whether they end up rich or not, we don’t care, as long as they have integrity. We know we will someday embrace the fact that we took two boys out of a Polish orphanage, gave them a new opportunity, and watched them soar.

We hope that besides the laughter and the tears, our story will help you understand that no matter what you go through, from the beginning to the end of this process, you will make it! They WILL love you one day, just like any child. So as long as you can look yourself in the mirror and know you’ve done your best, then you’ve done your job right. So I leave you with this—something that I believe reveals how I felt about my parents when I was growing up. Maybe this is a little insight into the way all kids think, in general.

Now, as I reflect on what my parents meant to me, I realize I have come full circle. In my younger years, I thought they could do no wrong. I idolized them and everything they told me. By the time I was a teenager, I felt they were so old-fashioned and out of date, they couldn’t possibly know anything! When I