You, Me, Life, Dreams

Preface

When I think of the relationships that I have had in my life; it is amazing that I have found any place of sanity left to write from. Not that they have been all bad; because there have been plenty of wonderful highlights. However, the journey here has been long, arduous, and filled with lessons. Fortunately, I have survived them so that I can share them with you.

There is no question in my mind that those closest to me could believe that I would be writing a book about having functional relationships that last a lifetime. There is no question that many a partner wondered, if they would survive the pain that came from seeking a relationship; and would the ecstasy outweigh the pain. I often wondered if I could survive the rollercoasters that put me through heartbreak after heartbreak. Oh, to want love so much; yet never quite being able to get hold of it.

There were many times of thinking perhaps it just wasn’t my destiny to have love; perhaps, I was only meant to help others find their happiness and transition into their dream relationships. Could it be that I might just be a guidepost along the way? Could it be that I was better off without someone? Could it be that I was simply meant to awaken; but not have anyone that wanted to stay with me?

I don’t want it to sound like all misery here, or to be a pity seeking mission. After all there are always two sides to a story. I can acknowledge now, that I brought a great amount of the misery on myself. Certainly, I was not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. At times, there is no question that I was high maintenance, high drama, irritating and annoying to be with.

It is good that I have been able to learn, grow, develop, and understand what makes a good relationship. It amazes me that I could have such a good understanding of how to make a relationship work; and be so dysfunctional in my own relationships. I was an adventurous tomboy that modeled and had an education; didn’t I have it all to offer? Obviously, I had so much to learn. Relationships are far more than just playing hard, looking good, and being able to have a conversation or blend into most any setting.

As I look back on my experiences with relationships in life, I was blessed to have many good examples around me. My parents made it 57 years together before my father passed away. I grew up in a generation where divorce happened in only a few families, instead of happening in many families. There was no question the love I saw in my parents. There wasn’t a day that went by that my dad didn’t say I Love You to my mom. Usually, it was twice a day in the morning and in the evening; he never left for work without hugging her and telling her that he loved her.

My parents met and married when they were pretty young. Both grew up on farms. They were never ones to argue or get in heated discussions with each other; and certainly weren’t going to do that around their children. Even their friends used to tell them they had too good of a relationship, and that it would damage their children because they wouldn’t know what it was really like.

So, as I said before, there have been high points and low points when it came to relationships. As I look back, I often times appeared quite confident; but really wasn’t. Certainly I could present myself well, and never had a problem being on my own; and even enjoyed having my own personal time. Still, I wanted reassurance of my beauty, worth, and love from my partner.

In reflection my romantic life could have easily been a romantic novel; a story of deceit, lies, betrayal, affairs, passion, and many more things that are often found in stories. In today’s world, it easily could have become a reality series. The thought of it all sends shivers down my spine.

So the question becomes, how did I manage to transition from disaster to delightful? What does it take to grow out of the drama and vicious negative cycles that plague so many relationships? How much did I have to go through to get to where I am?

First let me say that my goal is to help others, so that they do not have to go through the hardships that I did. Hopefully, you can learn from my lessons; and find the relationship that you truly desire. Perhaps, you will know and use the keys to being able to love and be in love with that special someone for a whole lifetime.

This book is based on over 30 years of experience in helping others find peace and happiness in their relationships. Helping friends find, build, and keep the relationships that they valued. It is also based on the lessons I have learned along the way, and the information I share with clients.

If you are wondering if I have a clue of what you are going through, I assure you that it is very likely I can personally relate to you with the experiences that I have had. I am going to share some of these with you in this preface, just so you can see that I have been in some tough situations; but have chosen to come through them. Just like me you always have a choice to have things different, be different, and to create the circumstances that your heart and soul longs for; no matter what you have been through.

Although I have had a great example of a successful marriage from my parents; I still struggled in my own relationships. I lived in a fantasy world of prince charming coming to sweep me off of my feet through most of my childhood. At the age of 5 or 6 I already had one poor guy married to me and owning a chain of high end hotels.

As I got older, I had the reputation of breaking a guy’s arm at church camp. I was pushing him on a swing and it lost control and he hit a pole. Around the same time I tried to meet guys by joining a football league, which I was then thrown off for unnecessary roughness. I learned the male ego couldn’t handle women being better in something, or able to stand their ground well with them.

I was not the popular girl coming through junior high and high; however, I tried to involve myself in activities all the same. Eventually, I started seeking out older guys; that I thought would be more mature, and hopefully, be interested in me. This led to dating co-workers and crashing college frat parties. It was a young girl’s innocence, combined with wanting to be all grown up, and a desire to find love that led to learning there was a lot more than just dating to love.

I fell in love to one guy, who proposed, and then left to return home on the other side of the country. He promised to come back with a ring in hand to formalize things, since I was still a couple of months away from turning 18; although I was already attending college. I had intuitive visions of his death; which years later were confirmed by a chance meeting with a childhood friend of his. His car had been blown up, while sending me a letter (cell phones weren’t used in those days); made to look like an accident, but it wasn’t.

There was the person that I dated off and on for 10 years, and remained friends with even after departing. This relationship depicted passive-aggressive behavior on both sides. All I ever wanted was an I Love You; which didn’t come until he had lost me to someone else. We have since come to forgive each other, and still have minimal contact in the way of seasonal greetings and birthday wishes.

There was a person that I attempted to help during a rough part of his marriage, which didn’t work; but at least he felt he tried everything he could. I put him in the category of I wonder what if. Our contact ended when I was with another person that was jealous of everyone I dated; and I decided to make a clean cut of several people, specifically significant males, in my life.

There was the one that came in like a knight in shining armor. He told me everything that I wanted to hear, spent tons of money on me, told me he loved me all the time, and even got me to live with him. It wasn’t long before I was feeling very restricted, judged, went through mental and emotional abuse; even reaching a point of wanting to live with my parents instead of him.

A few others came and went as well. Wasn’t this enough? Couldn’t I like the nice guys? What was wrong with me that they didn’t treat me better? Questions that are, sadly, quite common.

As if this wasn’t enough to create dysfunctional patterns in my life. I had to try having some time on my own, being a little more wild. As I look back on things, there was one big turning point of going from being quite conservative to let out my sensuality and wanting to control men. That was the year I was date raped 7x in 1 year; all by different men that I knew.

I can’t say it was a conscious process to want to control, manipulate, tease, entice, and torture men; but it was exactly the role that I took. I was going to be in control from then out. I tuned into my sexuality as a weapon. Was this really what I was searching for? Of course not, I just wanted someone to love me.

Most guys by now are probably thinking that this sounds like the average female thought pattern. Most women are thinking they can relate to this. I am thinking that I am just glad that I finally figured some of this great mystery out.

In the chapters of this book, I look forward to outlining many things to help you create the relationship you want; and to learn how to understand, communicate, identify, and work with the people that enter your life. May it help you to know how to work with your partner better, learn to understand how the other person thinks, to know when to stay and when to go, and how to be empowered in your relationships.

Love and being in love are wonderful things. I hope everyone has a chance to experience it in the purest and greatest way. There is no doubt that it can bring out the best and worst in people; depending on what they do with it. Thank-you for taking this journey with me; as I want you to have the relationship that is even better than you can imagine.

Throughout this book you will notice, that I use the terms masculine and feminine energy instead of men and women. The reason here is that things are not always men or women that are behaving a certain way. Sometimes the man in a relationship takes the feminine energy role, and vice versa. Also for those that are in same sex partnerships, often times, there is still a masculine and feminine dynamic. It is my desire to focus less on the sex someone is and more on the role they take in the relationship.

The Dream

The first thing for us to explore, is an understanding of relationships. Now there are a few that meet very young in life, as say, childhood sweethearts. However, for most it is a process of going in and out of relationships; often times experiencing frustration and disappointment waiting to find the one that will be there forever. Still, other people don’t find someone until later in life; and reach points where they wonder if they are ever going to find someone.

As modern as times are, there are still many places where the culture, region, or country arranges a marriage or one is expected to marry within a certain class or caste. If marriage isn’t found by a certain age, the family may become involved; and if that doesn’t work, they may find themselves destined to a life of loneliness or being cast out from where they live. It amazes me how many people still live, trying to find love under such pressure and restrictions.

I wonder, how can one find unconditional love with so many conditions on it? Something, I certainly plan to explore as we move forward in this book. For now, our focus is on our desire for love. This seems to hold no boundaries on race, color, creed, or age; almost everyone, usually earlier in life, wants to find and have true love in their lives.

Personally, I have yet to meet someone that has never wanted to experience love. Usually, I am getting people wanting to know when it is coming in, how soon it is going to be here, what will they look like, what kind of a job they are going to have, where they will meet. The dream of finding someone and being with someone holds no boundaries. I see it in all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations.

The dream of finding someone often starts very young in life. For girls it is most likely earlier than boys; because they often times have the natural innate desire to have children, and create a home life. This is seen in the toys that they play with; dolls, kitchen sets, jewelry kits, and so on. As a matter of fact, the toys a child wants to play with will often times show a good idea of their tendency to want to have a family, and the role they will take within a family of their own.

Just in case you are wondering, I was considered a bit of a tomboy. Usually, I was climbing trees, playing with the boys in the neighborhood, doing gymnastics or dance or ice skating, studying music, or playing make believe. As I reflect on this time of my life I can see many things.

The girls wanting to play house and dolls (which usually, bored the heck out of me – I wanted adventure) got married and had families early on; they knew they always wanted it. The boys that were really athletic, and wouldn’t let girls play with them, usually took on very macho roles in life. Then those that tried things outside of the normal role, often times waiting until later in life to settle down, became perhaps more sexual in life, or may have even opened themselves to different sexual preferences.

Now, I don’t want parents out there to panic. The thing is that each role has pros and cons to it. On choosing either role very strongly, we can find these people to be either very happy with traditional roles or see them end up taking on abusive roles. When we look at those that like variety or that explore non-traditional roles, they can function very well with others and be more accepting of differences; however, it may be harder for them to settle down or find real love until later in life. Much of this comes from wanting to explore so many different things, and realizing that they don’t have to choose traditional options.

So, no matter where we fall in those early interests, there is almost always a dream of falling in love; and settling down with our perfect mate. It always surprises me how often, at even extremely young ages – I often hear of people knowing as young as 4 or 5, that there is already an idea of what is desired in that life partner. My experience of this, however, is that the younger we are, often times the more romanticized the idea is.

You know that you will meet each other, will fall madly in love, and will share a happy life together. Often, you know what kind of wedding you want, the type of work you want to do, and the lifestyle you will live. Ironically, few are placing looks or other physical features on someone at this point.

Even, as unrealistic as this sounds as an adult; I bet you are all chuckling or smiling a bit as you reflect back on the concept that you had these things too. For, those in less favorable situations you can add in ideas of being saved or rescued from your situation; or may see yourself finding the person that supports you in getting to the next step. If there are things that we feel are lacking in our life growing up; we will often times spend our life looking to fill that void, or striving for that accomplishment – such as someone that is the first in their family to receive an education.

When we are in this dream stage, I notice that there are some common things that happen. The older we get, the more we move from fantasy to practicality. What we desire when we are younger is often times an ideal dream as our soul sees it. As we get older, it is less about this ideal and more about what is needed in our lives.

We will look at that a little more later on in this book, as this can get into a detailed discussion. Why does this shift happen? Is it because we decide to settle? Is it because we get real, and understand better how life works? Is it impossible to merge the want with the need?

There are many things that can play into it. Often times when we are in this dream stage there is a desire for Prince Charming to come along and sweep us off our feet; or to be captivated by the fair maiden, warrior princess, or the girl next door. No matter what the fantasy, the desire is to be desired and loved; or to conquer and win the love of another. In these situations, we seek the proverbial happy ever after ending; where life is perfect in every way. This is one of those few areas, where being the most wanted seems to be a good thing.

So, what happens to that dream? Is there value to it? Does reality, have to be so different?

As we age, often times the dreams start to fade away. Gradually, we start to see that Prince Charming may be charming; but can also be a total jerk. Sometimes, we see that the fair maiden is a spoiled brat or the warrior princess is a manipulative control freak or the girl next door is not someone we can take home to meet our family. The list could almost warrant a book alone, to cover all of the stereotypes and roles that are played.

There is value to having dreams; because it does tune us into knowing the real things that we really want, even if they show up in unreal ways. For example, Prince Charming represents wanting someone that is a little bit romantic, expresses feelings of love, and helps us get through adversity. The warrior princess represents a woman that knows what she wants and has the strength to get it, can take care of herself, can stand by our side to face things, yet still appreciates being treated like a lady; knowing that she can soften up around the right person makes her even more attractive.

As you are beginning to see, what we really want isn’t that different from our fantasy. It is just the shape or form that they come in. Trust me a real life human being, much easier to live with than the cartoon version – unless, of course, you yourself are a cartoon. Who was your fantasy growing up?

As we begin to age, our visions of a partner begin to shift. We move from our cartoon versions to societies sex symbols. Still they tend to take the roles of heroes and heroines; but the focus shifts from a desired story to physical characteristics. The search for the man in the romance novel, the rich and famous, the hunky athlete, the blonde bombshell, etc. is on.

This is where a lot of people get lost along the way. They focus on what someone looks like and what they have, more than the person they are. This is especially true, as hormones are kicking in; and the peer pressure is on to be dating, and oddly enough seeking someone with marriage material.

In these young years, often times happening between the ages of 12 – 18 (although I still see some of these traits with those into their mid 20’s), it is first how great someone looks, next how successful they are and how much money they have, and how much are they willing to do for us. It amazes me, when my