Promise Me Light

Chapter One

There are certain days that I will never forget. Days that changed my life forever. When my mom died. Meeting Ryder for the first time. The night I gave him my virginity. The moment when the EMP hit, taking electricity from the United States. The day my dad died. Finding out I was pregnant. Standing under the stars as Ryder asked me to marry him. So many important days - some happy, some sad. But the day that changed my life forever was the day Ryder didn’t return. That day, my world crumpled. Now all I had left were memories.

Maddie Jackson, get out of that tree!

Grasping the limb beneath me, I leaned over so I could glance down at Ryder. He stood with his feet apart, his arms crossed over his chest. He looked mad enough to climb up the tree and get me down himself. I wanted to roll my eyes. Ever since he turned thirteen, he just wasn’t fun anymore.

What’s wrong, Ryder, afraid I’ll fall? I laughed, swinging my legs playfully in midair.

Hell yeah, I’m afraid you’ll fall! Get down before you break your neck! he yelled, squinting up at me from beneath his ball cap.

I giggled at the scowl on his face and swung my legs again, this time sending my feet higher into the air.

Maaaddie, he warned, drawing out my name.

I ignored him. He was harmless and wouldn’t dare touch a hair on my head.

With a smirk, I glanced up, wondering how much further I could climb. The green leaves beckoned, teasing me to reach for them. I wanted to be at the top, able to look down and see everything.

The sun filtered through the branches, blinding me. I closed my eyes and felt the heat on my face. The wind shifted, cooling my cheeks. Opening my eyes, I let go of the branch beneath me and grabbed another.

Don’t you dare! Ryder yelled, adding a cuss word I’d never heard before. His bad language didn’t bother me. My daddy said not to repeat anything Ryder said and I never did, but sometimes I thought all his cussing sounded silly.

I’m gonna try to get to the other branch. Maybe I can see my house from up here, I said, balancing myself as I rose to my feet. I didn’t dare look down when Ryder started pacing back and forth beneath the tree, muttering something I couldn’t hear.

I swear, Maddie, I’m going to kick your butt when you get down! he yelled, stopping right below me.

You’ll have to catch me first! I shouted, chewing on my lower lip as I concentrated on pulling myself onto a higher limb. Bouncing up and down, I tested the strength of the branch. Leaves danced frantically at the end of their little sticks, producing a rustling noise. I loved the sound. It always reminded me of summer.

Oh, I’ll catch you, Maddie, Ryder said, shading his eyes against the sun so he could see me, and when I do, you’ll be sorry for scaring me.

Thought nothing scared you. You a sissy? I teased, knowing my name calling only made him mad.

He made a funny noise deep in his throat, reminding me of the stray dog that growled at me last year. I wondered how Ryder made that noise. I needed to ask him. Maybe he could teach me. Might come in handy when I was frustrated with Eva.

A wave of dizziness hit me when I glanced down at him. He seemed so far away that for just a fraction of a second I grew afraid. Then I shook off the feeling and grinned at him. I wasn’t going to turn into a wuss. I could do this.

Pulling myself to a higher branch, I held my breath as it protested under my weight. Holding on tightly, I waited for the limb to break. Nothing. I was safe.

Hey, look Ryder! I made it! I shouted, smiling triumphantly down at him.

Good for you. Now get back down here.

Ignoring him, I squinted against the sun and tried to peer through the leaves for the top of my house. I just knew I could see it from here. Suddenly, the sun glinted off of something shiny in the distance.

I see the barn roof! I cried out, feeling excitement.

Great. Now get down, Ryder snapped, impatient.

Hold on a sec.

I looked up. There was a nice, thick branch above me. If I could reach it, maybe I could see my horse, Buttercup, grazing in the pasture.

I lifted my foot and reached for the branch.

Maddie! NO!

A strong gust of wind hit me, pushing against my small frame. I tried to hold onto the tree but the rough bark slipped through my small fingers. With a shriek of alarm, I lost my balance and fell backwards. Frantically, I tried to grasp the nearest branch but I couldn’t stop my fall.

It happened in a split second. One minute I was in the tree, the next there was nothing but air around me. My back hit a tree limb as I fell. My head smacked against a thick branch, sending a shot of pain through me. My hair snagged on small sticks, leaving behind strands as I toppled down. I think I screamed but I don’t know.

I felt myself fall smack into Ryder. The force knocked us both to the ground.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! he said frantically, scrambling out from under me.

I cried out as my arm was jarred against the hard ground. Pain like I had never felt before exploded from every muscle in my body.

Ryder kneeled down and touched my wrist. Pain shot up my arm. I screamed, feeling like someone was pulling my arm apart.

Oh, Jesus! Ryder exclaimed as tears rolled down my face. I think your arm’s broken.

It hurts, Ryder, I sobbed, my arm lying uselessly at my side. I tried moving it but the pain was too much. I cried out again, a combination of a scream and a cry of agony. Through my tears, I saw the panic on Ryder’s face. I swore then never to call him a sissy again.

I gotta get you back to the house, he said under his breath, talking more to himself than to me.

This was my fault. I had begged him to go with me today. We used to spend all our time exploring the fields around our daddies’ farms but since he became interested in girls, we didn’t do those things anymore. I missed him. But I was glad he was with me right now.

Clutching my shoulder, I tried to sit up, but it hurt too much.

Don’t move. I’ll carry you home, Ryder said. He scooped me up, one hand under my knees and the other behind my back. As if I weighed nothing, he started walking across the field with me in his arms.

Tears streamed down my face as he rushed across the bumpy, uneven ground. He glanced down at me a few times and I think he tried to talk to me but the pain in my arm was too terrible to pay attention.

I cried all the way home but when I saw my dad everything seemed better.

Daddy! I wailed as Ryder carried me through the yard.

My dad looked up from the old lawn mower he was fixing. Rays of bright sunlight gleamed off of his brown hair and made him squint to see me clearly.

Maddie? he asked, looking stunned to see me in Ryder’s arms.

She broke her arm, Mr. Jackson! Ryder shouted.

My dad dropped the screwdriver in his hand and jogged across the yard, meeting Ryder halfway.

What happened? he asked, helping me out of Ryder’s arms.

She fell out of a tree.

A tree? Maddie, how many times have I told you not to climb so high? my dad asked, irritated.

More tears raced down my cheeks. My dad never got mad at me!

It was my fault, Mr. Jackson. I dared her to go that high, Ryder lied, facing my dad with no fear. I wondered why he was protecting me but sometimes Ryder just did things like that.

My dad sighed heavily and gave Ryder a frustrated look. I’ve warned you two before… He shook his head with resignation. Never mind. I’m taking her to the hospital. You go on home, Ryder.

No, I want to go too, Ryder insisted, surprising me again by standing up to my dad. I think only Ryder could get away with doing that.

My dad led me over to his truck, digging in his pocket for the keys while keeping an arm around me. Go home, he said over his shoulder to Ryder.

No, sir, I won’t. I have to make sure she’s okay. I’m not leaving her.

My dad stopped. Turning to face Ryder, he looked at him with calmness despite his earlier anger. I’ve got her, son. You don’t have to worry about her.

Ryder swallowed hard and glanced at me before looking back at my dad.

All due respect, Mr. Jackson, but I’ll always worry about her and I’ll never leave her. She’s my best friend.

~~~~

Now here I stood, yards from the same tree. Feet away from where he caught me. Miles away from my best friend.

And I was the one worrying about him.

Dead tree. Two o’clock, Gavin whispered near my ear, bringing me back to the present.

Without moving a muscle or turning my head, I glanced to the right. Beneath the hood of my jacket, I could see a branch moving high in a tree a few feet from me. It was bouncing more than swaying, the movement caused not by the wind but by a small animal.

Ever so slowly, I raised my gun, careful not to make a sound.

Easy, Cash warned.

I could see him out of the corner of my eye, standing directly behind me. I resisted the urge to grind my teeth. These men thought I was weak. They had a lot to learn.

I propped the gun on my shoulder. It was heavy, making my arms shake. Looking down the barrel, I kept one eye opened as I peered down the scope. A squirrel sat on the branch, eating a nut of some kind. I didn’t believe in killing animals. I loathed the idea of taking another life, but I was hungry. We all were.

My index finger slowly rested on the trigger, waiting for the right moment to squeeze it.

Now, Gavin commanded, practically in my ear.

Without thinking twice, my finger pulled back. In a split second the shot left the barrel, making the gun jump in my hands. A boom echoed through the woods, loud and deafening.

Lowering the gun, I watched as dead leaves fell from the tree along with a few pieces of bark.

Hell, I think you hit the bastard, Gavin muttered, slinging his shotgun on his shoulder and taking long strides to the tree.

I watched as his heavy hiking boots crushed the dried leaves and dead grass beneath his feet. Cash stayed next to me, always the guardian, as Gavin bent down and picked something up from under the tree. He dangled a medium-sized squirrel by the end of its furry tail.

You hit it dead center. Killed it instantly, he scoffed, surprised.

You didn’t think I could? I asked, arching an eyebrow, finding no humor in killing the animal.

Not really, he answered, stuffing the squirrel in an old burlap bag he carried. Guess my brother did a good job teaching you how to shoot. Glad he at least left you with that.

I felt the hurt, the pain that squeezed my heart at the mention of Ryder. It had the power to bring me to my knees, make my body tremble, and leave me with nothing but heartache. What Gavin didn’t know was that Ryder had left me with so much more. He left me with his baby.

I fought back tears and watched as Gavin stalked toward me. I still hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant. I couldn’t. The words always stuck in my throat, refusing to leave. For some reason, telling Janice or Eva before I told Ryder felt final, as if I knew he wasn’t coming back. I just wasn’t ready to face that. Someone might call me a fool for not facing reality, but if reality didn’t include Ryder, I didn’t want any part of it.

Refusing to let one tear fall, I focused on Gavin. His well-worn jeans and flannel shirt were faded and dirty, but without a washing machine, clean clothes had become a luxury, a thing of the past. We tried to keep everything washed using creek water, but as the temperature dropped, we had no way to dry our laundry. We were living like my ancestors lived, washing clothes by hand and struggling to survive in a harsh, hard world.

I tried not to think of what I’d left sitting in my apartment, miles away. A closet full of expensive clothes that I’d spent hard-earned money on. Perfectly cut jeans. Pretty dresses. High-heeled shoes. Designer bags. Now all I had left were a few pieces of clothing that Eva and I were forced to share. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I was wearing dirty clothes that I’d slept in and worn day after day.

There were so many things in my past life that I thought made me who I was. Clothes. My phone. My car. My iPad. Things I thought defined me. Now they were gone, taken from me in a blink of an eye, nothing but a memory. None of it mattered anymore. All that mattered was surviving.

Without Ryder.

It had been one month since the men returned without him. Pain constantly tore at my chest. It never went away. I carried the heartache with me at all times; it became a part of me, like my own arm or leg. Most days I felt as if a giant building had collapsed on top of me, leaving me trapped and desperate for air. I waited for someone to rescue me and dig me out from under the weight of constant pain, but no one came. Every day I tried crawling my way out of the rumble, cutting my hands and leaving a trail of despair behind. But I never could see daylight, only darkness.

No one knew how much I was hurting. I hid it well. I cried at night but struggled to carry on during the day. Each moment without Ryder chipped away at me. But there was still a small part of me that was stubborn. Carry on, it whispered. So I listened.

Stepping over a dead log, Gavin brushed against me, bringing me back to harsh reality.

I glared at his back as he walked away, my sorrow forgotten for a second. Opening my mouth, I was going to give him a piece of my mind but thought better of it. He was hurting, just like the rest of us. Maybe more so since it was his brother that was missing.

Letting out a sigh, I studied him as he stalked away. Gavin hadn’t been the same since returning home. None of us were. He was no longer Ryder’s easygoing, good-natured older brother. Now he was almost impossible to get along with. He was hard and angry, short-tempered and full of self-loathing. More like Ryder every day. Watching his own brother shot and dragged away had changed Gavin. Hardened him.

I seemed to take the brunt of his anger. I wasn’t sure why and I didn’t ask. I just dealt with it. We all had our own ways of dealing with the grief. If taking it out on me helped him, so be it. I just didn’t care anymore.

You did good, Maddie, Cash said, grabbing my attention.

Under the shadows of the trees, I peered over at him. His stance was relaxed despite the pistol stuck in his belt, the knife strapped to his thigh, and the shotgun held loosely in his hands. The man was an arsenal. A lone soldier.

Well, not everyone thinks I did good, I muttered over my shoulder as I started walking along the same trail Gavin had disappeared down.

Ignore Gavin, Cash said, following close behind me. I do.

Cash stuck next to me like glue, something he had been doing for days. Even though I could shoot like a man and hit what I was aiming at, these men would never let me out of their sight. It was irritating.

Is that the first animal you’ve killed? Cash asked in his quiet voice.

I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat, memories invading my mind. No, that’s not the first living thing I’ve had to kill.

And it wasn’t. Months ago, I killed a man. No, not a man - an animal. He had held me down and cut me, wanting to do things to me that were unspeakable. Because of him, my dad was dead and my mind would never forget the horror of that day. It would always live with me.

I would never escape it.

My hooded jacket protected me as a light mist began to fall. With the rain came a bitter cold that threatened to freeze everything in its path. The dead leaves and downed branches had quickly become slick and wet, forcing me to take my time and watch my step as we drudged through the dense woods.

Suddenly a snap came from our left, sounding like a booted foot breaking a branch in two. Cash grabbed my arm, stopping me from moving another inch. My eyes cut to the direction of the noise, trying to see through the trees. Cash stepped in front of me noiselessly, protecting me from whatever was out there.

I slowly switched the safety off of my gun. The click sounded ominous in the silence.

Cash raised his gun to his shoulder, his body rigid as he looked down the barrel. After a second, I saw his body relax. Whatever it was, he didn’t think it was a threat.

Maybe it was an animal but keep your eyes open. It’s pretty thick woods around here. Perfect for hiding, he said.

I nodded. Let’s go. I’m soaking wet and it’s eerie out here.

Yeah. These woods give me the creeps, Cash said. "I feel like we’re being watched but shit, I always feel like that."

He chuckled but it held no humor. It was a rare sound coming from him - or any of us. We didn’t smile and we rarely laughed. There was nothing to be happy about. Ryder was gone and the world was crumbling. We were low on supplies and winter was setting in. Soon, I would have a baby without the one man I needed by my side. So no, there would never be another reason to smile again.

We left the woods behind and entered the open field. I could see Gavin far ahead, heading for Ryder’s home. My home.

Walking in silence for a few minutes, I stared off in the distance, wondering what lay beyond the woods. Only terror and death? Was that all this new world had to offer us? I thought about Ryder, wondering where he was or if he was even alive.

I want to know what happened that day, I blurted out.

Cash glanced over at me, squinting his eyes against the sun. He knew what I was referring to. There was only one day I cared about.

Gavin told you the day we came back.

I scoffed. Gavin is overprotective. I know he didn’t tell me everything. I forced the next words out. I’ve got to know. Maybe it will help. I can’t go on like this, Cash. Living hurts.

He glanced around, watching for trouble. And dying is the easy way out, Maddie. His voice lowered, sending a shiver of apprehension through me. This war took something from each of us. I lost my family and so did you. Nothing will help us deal with that except time. The details of what happened won’t bring Ryder back.

I know. I just thought hearing the details might help me, I said, keeping my eyes on the ground as we started walking again.

Gavin say anything to you about our plans? Cash asked, changing the subject.

No. What plans?

Crap, I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. I’ll let him tell you, Cash answered, avoiding my eyes.

Before I could ask any more questions, he walked ahead of me, leaving me alone the last few yards to the house.

As I climbed the warped porch stairs, I avoided looking at the creek running alongside Ryder’s home. A blush colored my cheeks when I remembered being in that water with Ryder. He had held me next to him, his hands running over my body. That was the moment he told me that he loved me. The moment I would never forget.

I turned my back to the creek but I would never turn my back on the memories. They forced me to get up in the morning. They followed me to bed at night. They kept me company and were all I had left of Ryder. I held each memory close to my heart, refusing to let go.

Opening the door, my eyes took a minute to adjust to the dimness of the kitchen. I would never forget what it was like to walk into a room lit up with lights. Bright, sunny, and welcoming lights. With the rain outside, the house was dark and cold, not where I wanted to be right now.

I set my shotgun on the table and watched as Cash took off his hat and tossed it to a nearby chair. He looked as soaked and downcast as I felt.

Y’all get anything? Brody asked, walking into the room with a shortwave radio in his hand. Wearing layers of clothes, gloves with missing fingers, and a stocking hat, he looked nothing like the all-American athlete he once was. Now he looked like a refugee. A survivor of war.

We got a few squirrels. Didn’t see much else, Cash said, unloading bullets from his gun. He nodded toward the radio in Brody’s hand. You fix that thing?

Brody set the little metal box on the table and let out a frustrated sigh. Yeah, it’s fixed. Little fucker gave me fits though. I’m not sure how much longer we’ll have it.

I saw the stress lining his face and the exhaustion he couldn’t hide. I wondered if I looked the same.

We’re in a shitload of trouble without that thing, Cash said, motioning to the radio as if it were a thing of disgust.

We had a love/hate relationship with the shortwave. It brought nothing but bad news. But without it, we had no knowledge of what was happening in the outside world. We wouldn’t have known how strong the enemy had become. We wouldn’t have heard about the number of people left homeless or the urging for citizens to ration food and water. The news about Washington falling wouldn’t have reached us nor the names of political figures killed. No, we hated the radio but it was our link to the world, reminding us of how terrible a place the United States had become.

But one thing I had learned over the last few months was to tackle one problem at a time, and forget what I couldn’t change. Right now, there was one concern on my mind that I could face.

How is she, Brody? I asked him, pushing the wet hood off of my head.

Today’s a bad day.

I looked away from the pain I saw in his eyes. Brody loved Eva with all of his heart but even love wasn’t enough sometimes. Eva had come back from the terrorists’ makeshift prison camp a different person. She had suffered only minor injuries but most of her wounds were internal, something we would never see and couldn’t help heal.

I’ll go talk to her, I said, heading out of the kitchen.

She hasn’t said a word to me today, Brody said sadly.

His words stopped me, piercing my heart. Eva had been a carefree girl with a smart-ass attitude, never afraid to speak her mind. Now, she hardly spoke and was just a shell of what she once was.

She’ll talk, I said with more conviction than I felt. I needed my closest friend. Ryder was gone. Gavin wasn’t the same. I was desperate to have Eva back.

Maybe we should just leave her alone, Brody said, looking as if the words hurt him to say.

No. This has gone on long enough, I retorted.

Before he could argue, I hurried down the hallway, anger quickening my stride. I was angry with Brody. Angry at Ryder for getting shot and not returning to me. Angry with Eva for not being the same girl I once knew.

I found her in the spare bedroom, huddled in a chair and staring out the rain-splattered window.

Eva, Brody said you’re not talking. What’s wrong? I asked, striding into the room and stopping in front of her.

Eva took a deep breath and let it out with resignation. Wrapping her arms around her slender middle, she continued to stare outside, ignoring me.

The Eva I knew wouldn’t sit around and stare into space like this. She would’ve laughed at what happened to her and say, ‘screw you, assholes!’ I had to pull her out of this before I lost it and went crazy myself. That’s how desperate I was to have her back.

Eva, I whispered, leaning over to catch her eye. You’ve got to snap out of this. Now.

Nothing. Not a flicker of her eyes. Not even a turn of her head in my direction.

I sighed and stared out the window. I could feel the chill from outside, fogging the windowpane and making goose bumps race across my skin. Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I rested my head against the wall.

I closed my eyes and found Ryder. Smiling at me. Touching me. But pain wrapped around my heart like it always did when I thought of him. It squeezed, tore, and broke my heart in two. I bit the inside of my lip, refusing to cry. I can’t. I’ve cried so much. I have nothing left in me.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and found Eva watching me. Her eyes held sorrow but I saw something else in them. For a tiny second, the rebel in her flared to life, threatening to rip me a new one for being so weak. I held my breath, bracing myself for the snide remark I actually wanted to hear. But she turned away, staring out the window again.

I have to keep trying. Maybe push her a little further.

So I shot a squirrel today. Can you believe that? Never thought I would say those words, I said, forcing myself to smile. You wanna know what else I never thought I would say?

I’m having Ryder’s baby.

But I didn’t say the words. Instead, I walked over to the desk set against the wall. The same desk I had sat at when I checked the dates and discovered I was pregnant.

Papers were haphazardly tossed on top, some with drawings and others with numbers and letters. My back stiffened when I saw Gavin’s long, elegant handwriting. He had been using Ryder’s desk again, making notes and drawing plans for future projects around the ranch. A handmade plumbing system. A pickup that no longer ran converted into a wagon. A supply list.

I know it was irrational but the thought of Gavin taking over Ryder’s desk bothered me. Since returning home, Gavin had slowly consumed everything of Ryder’s. He slept in Ryder’s house. Ate at Ryder’s table. He wore some of Ryder’s clothes and even smelled like Ryder. I hated him for it because it seemed wrong, as if Gavin had given up on him. As if we all had given up on him.

I squashed down the anger and focused on Eva again.

I miss him, Eva. I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t know what to do.

When only silence answered me, tears filled my eyes and my chin began to quiver. Eva always knew what to do and say. I needed that now. For weeks, I thought I could pull her out of this haze she was lost in. Everyone had tried but she just stared at us with a forlorn expression. No one knew what had happened to her in the prison camp. It was driving Brody mad, not knowing how to help her. For me, it was just another wound in my heart, slowly killing me one day at a time.

Turning, I left her alone in the cold room. I needed to escape before I fell apart. Before the sorrow caught me, dragging me down to that dark place that I would never be able to leave. I felt despair so heavy, I wanted to sit down and never get back up.

But I didn’t.

I forced my feet