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    The Penis Monster's Movie Guide
    The Penis Monster's Movie Guide
    The Penis Monster's Movie Guide
    Ebook48 pages43 minutes

    The Penis Monster's Movie Guide

    By Ian Watson

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    About this ebook

    He calls himself "Ol' Painless." He likes bad action movies, Italian zombie flicks and chasing locker room starlets. He's "kind of a dick." And now you can read his thoughts on Uwe Boll, Jean-Claude Van Damme and that mad scientist movie with exploding hookers...

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherIan Watson
    Release dateFeb 25, 2013
    ISBN9781301033416
    The Penis Monster's Movie Guide
    Author

    Ian Watson

    Ian Watson is the author of the #1 bestseller Midnight Movie Madness, a 400+ page guide to such bizarre, campy and endearing classics as Reefer Madness, Attack of the 50ft Woman and Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.

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      Book preview

      The Penis Monster's Movie Guide - Ian Watson

      The Penis Monster’s Movie Guide

      By

      Ian Watson

      Copyright 2013 Ian Watson

      Published At Smashwords

      ***

      License Notes

      This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this eBook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to the vendor of your choice and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Book List

      By the same author and available at Smashwords:

      Movies That Witness Madness Parts 1-7

      The Least Action Heroes

      Schlock Sleaze & Cheesy Bs

      Introduction by Ol’ Painless

      It was the worst of films, it was the best of films.

      It was a midnight screening of Humanoids From The Deep.

      If you haven’t seen it, this is the enormously enjoyable monster movie producer Roger Corman cut tit shots into so it could compete against Friday The 13th. Not a picture Pauline Kael would have recommended.

      Unlike Ms Kael, I am not a professional critic writing for The New Yorker. I’m just some guy that watches movies in between chasing starlets. If we met, you maybe wouldn’t notice me but I’d certainly notice your girlfriend.

      You see, I’m kind of a dick.

      When I’m not slithering around locker rooms, I like bad action movies, Italian zombie flicks and late-night creature features. I don’t read films or look for subtext. I just want to know if there’s car chases and gratuitous nudity. To rent Seagal or to rent Van Damme. That is the question.

      Movies, in my humble opinion, should be enjoyed, not analysed. That kind of thing may have merit in academic circles, but when start giving consideration to the existential nature of Humanoids, you’re two steps away from a rubber room and a check-up from the neck-up.

      Obviously, I don’t have an expensive education, wear tweed or know big words, but even I can tell you that a movie with rape, cross-breeding and Doug McClure probably isn’t saying much about The Meaning Of It All.

      Which is not to say you shouldn’t watch Humanoids. You should, along with every other movie in this book. It’s fast, uproarious and there’s titties in it.

      But according to William Goldman, there are three types of films, and it isn’t in the top two. They are: 1) Films that aspire to quality and succeed; 2) Films that aspire to quality and fail; 3) Films that were never meant to be any good at all.

      Most movie guides recommend you watch 1) or 2), but rarely will they suggest viewing 3).

      And with good reason. The acting here (as well as the directing, writing, special effects and overall intent) is hardly Oscar-calibre. Which is not to call them unwatchable. They’re loads of fun, just unlikely to be mistaken for, say, The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.

      Whether you call them b-movies, schlock or guilty pleasures, there’s a strange appeal to their occasionally inept, often silly shenanigans. Movies about masked Mexican wrestlers, rubber-suited monsters and space gorillas in diving helmets can be a genuine pleasure if enjoyed with alcohol and friends, and once you’ve sat through enough of these you’ll want others to join in the fun.

      That’s what this book is about. Sharing the fun. And if you bring your girlfriend,

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