Little Girl Lost

​Chapter One

THE ORPHANAGE

Back then, my name was Sheila Williams. Date of birth June 8 1946, place unknown. Mother and father a complete blank. This is the story of my childhood. Some names have been changed, but the things that happened are all true.

My education was zero. My IQ as a young adult was equivalent to that of a five-year-old, but my memory was excellent. I could flash back to the minutest thing that happened in my life.

I cannot recall my first home, but I remember living near huge white cliffs. Where exactly is a mystery. I clearly remember being driven along by a lady in an old-fashioned black car, the sort you would see in a gangster movie. The lady explained that she was going to look after me and be my guardian and told me her name was Miss Wilson. The place she was taking me to was to be my new home, an orphanage in Hertfordshire called Hawkridge.

I was oblivious to the fact that a war had just ended and that other children were bagged and tagged and had become orphans like me.

I was four years old. Going back in time, like being hypnotised, I remember arriving at the house, which looked like a big mansion. The driveway was dark and the overhanging trees made it look very creepy.

At the front of the house there were stone statues of lions at each side of the door, the type you would expect to see in a monastery. I remember I was wearing a grey bell-shaped coat with a black velvet bow round the collar and little red ankle boots.

As we entered, we were met by the owners, Mr and Mrs Cadman.

Mrs Cadman, who was addressed by everybody as Matron, said Hello, Sheila and gave me a rag doll. She introduced me to another girl and said, This is your new friend. Her name is Sylvia Molt. It was a bit like pick-and-mix. Sylvia was much older than I was. We both had red hair, but mine was longer and I always had it in plaits. We both had freckles and blue eyes, but we were the complete opposite in character.

Matron took us to the playroom, where there were lots of other children. Sylvia had her own friends, so I just sat in a corner clutching the rag doll and looking down at the floor. I was gritting my teeth, not talking to anyone, when all of sudden a bell started ringing. It made me jump. The other children ran out of the playroom, leaving me on my own. Matron came up to me, stooped down beside me and asked: Are you hungry, Sheila?

I nodded my head and she took my hand, leading me to a big room with lots of tables and chairs where everybody was standing behind their chairs, ready to say grace.

Matron sat me next to her in a smaller chair, with a cushion to make me higher. After dinner Miss Wilson came to say goodbye, and I noticed that she was holding a big envelope under her arm. She ruffled my hair and said that she would come back to see me from time to time.

When she left, I didn’t really know how I felt. I could not speak very well, so I kept silent. The only way I could express myself was to cry.

The next thing I remember that first day was tagging along with the matron, climbing up never-ending stairs to what she called the attic. As she unlocked the door, I noticed that it had a funny smell. There were lots of shoes, clothes and toys and Matron said to me We will have to fix you up with some clothes. I was given a pair of lace-up shoes, which had metal studs, and some dresses, which were then labelled and marked with my name.

After that I was taken to a bathroom with a red painted floor. It had three baths, two small and one big. My hair was washed, then searched for nits and rinsed in vinegar. After my bath, Matron put me to bed. I didn’t sleep with the other kids in the dormitory, but in a small room opposite Matron’s flat which was off limits to everybody else. This room was also the sick room. It was quite plain, with a bed, a sink and a toilet.

As time went by I began to join in with the other children, but I still found it hard to express myself. I could only say a very few words and when I did try to speak, I seemed to stutter.

I soon got into the routine of everyday life, but because I was only four years old, I was not expected to do chores like the other kids.

My day began by being woken at six in the morning. Matron helped me to strip my bed, turn the mattress and then make it. It was the same procedure in the dormitory for everyone else, and all the beds had to be passed by the two staff, whom we knew only as Miss and Sir. Only then were you allowed to get dressed.

Then you had to do a chore; maybe cleaning the bathroom or the landing or another day perhaps dusting, sweeping the dormitory or polishing. These chores had to be finished before the bell went off. The first bell was to tell you to down tools, wash hands or go to the toilet, then the second was the signal to go to the dining room for breakfast and stand behind your chair. You had to wait for the staff to come in before saying grace. If you asked to be excused during breakfast, you weren’t allowed to return to finish your meal.

In the dining room there were seven tables with six places to each table. I sat on Matron’s table, next to her. I was so glad that I did not have to sit next to Mr Cadman because he frightened me; he never called me Sheila, only girlie. He was a tall, stout man in his fifties with grey hair and the features of a shark.

If you were late for grace on any account, you could not just barge in. You had to sit in the hallway until Mr Cadman called your name. If you did not have a good excuse, you had no porridge. This rule also applied at dinner and teatime.

After breakfast, the other children would get ready for school. Before going, they had to stand in a queue and one by one they were passed by Miss or Sir. I never went to school. Instead, I use to play in the playroom. If it was a nice day Miss would take me out to the grounds and leave me in a wooden play-run, locking the gate behind her.

This play-run was no ordinary playpen. It was massive and it had a miniature roundabout, slides and ropes hanging from the trees. During the morning, Matron would come out to check on me, bringing me hot orange juice and a biscuit.

Every afternoon an eccentric woman who wore half-moon glasses with a chain attached to the ends gave me speech therapy. My lesson began with her breaking up the simple words, for example, cat or dog. If I didn’t respond she would peer at me over the top of her glasses, then take them off and put the ends in her mouth. Then she would pause again before pointing them at me. She became very agitated, but I was so nervous that I would get all my words jumbled up, and my stuttering got worse.

As time went by my speech did improve, but I learned new words by listening to the other children, not with help from Miss O’Grady.

By late afternoon the other children had returned from school and there would be more chores to do. No one was allowed to wear boots indoors, only sandals, and two by two, you had to go to the outhouse to clean your boots. The first thing you did was to take a blunt knife and scrape the mud off from around the studs. Then you polished them. However, if Miss or Sir, or especially Mr Cadman, found the tiniest mark, you were sent back to clean them all over again. And if your face didn’t fit, you could be in that boot house all night.

At teatime the same routine applied with the two bells. After tea, I would be sent to the playroom while the other children had to do evening chores.

Bedtime was at seven o’ clock in the evening. After I had been at the orphanage about six months, I was moved to a room in the annexe, a small building separated from the main house which was used for the girls’ sleeping quarters. They put me in a single room next to the duty room where another member of staff slept.

To get to the annexe you had to walk across the main driveway, which was surrounded by woods, and on occasion bats would fly around. For this reason Mr Cadman would carry me over to my room. He would undress me and put me to bed, fold my clothes and neatly place them on to a chair next to my bed. He then gave me my rag doll, the only toy I had. I didn’t like to go anywhere without it.

Underneath my room was the laundry, which was divided into two rooms. The first was the drying room, with numerous clothes lines attached to wooden poles hanging from the ceiling. Hot pipes ran along the skirting board. In the other room there were two large sinks with carbolic soap and a box of soap flakes, a scrubbing board, two copper boilers with wooden tongs, one big mangle and a stoke type boiler. At night the older girls had to do chores in the laundry and I could hear them larking around.

One night I will never forget. Shortly after the older girls had finished and had returned to the main house, a fire broke out in the drying room right underneath where I was sleeping. I remember smoke everywhere and the loud sounds of a bell constantly ringing. The sound was deafening, and I was going hysterical. I remember being shaken by Mr Cadman, who picked me up and handed me through the window to a fireman. All the other children were lined up in twos outside, waiting to be accounted for. The matron cuddled me and then took me back to the sick room where I had slept before. Afterwards a doctor came to see me and I was taken to hospital to be checked out for smoke inhalation.

The next morning I realized that I did not have my rag doll with me. I asked where it was, only to be told that it had been burned. I was so very attached to that rag doll. It was dirty and shabby, but it was mine. I grieved for it all day, so the matron gave me a teddy, which I threw away. The cleaners were constantly picking it up and giving it back to me, but again I would throw it away. This was the first time I threw a tantrum.

That evening Matron took me to bed. I did not hold her hand, just Burtonled along behind her. Even when she tried to comfort me, I just pulled back. However, she did sit on my bed and told me a story about a man called God. She put my hands together and said Dear God, please keep Sheila safe tonight, secure from all her fears. May angels guard her while she sleeps until morning light appears.

I asked her Who is God?

And she replied, God is your father in heaven and on earth. What’s heaven?

It’s a place where people go to rest when they die. What’s die?

It is like your doll. She’s gone to heaven and God will make her nice and clean and an angel will keep her safe from any more fires. Saturday, and only the morning chores to be done. After dinner,

we would all line up for our pocket money. I only got three pennies, as I was the youngest. If you broke any crockery while doing the washing up or anything, you had to forfeit your pocket money.

After that we had to walk in a crocodile line, one member of staff at the front and other at the back, into the village. When we reached the sweet shop, only two of us were allowed in at a time. When we had returned to the orphanage, one by one we were asked to hand over our sweets, which were then put into our own personal sweet tin, with our names on, and during the week they would be rationed out. My tin always seemed to be empty.

Continuing through to the afternoon, we had two hours’ playtime when everybody had to go outside. The only exception would be if it was raining. I wasn’t allowed to roam around, as the older children had to keep an eye on me.

There were acres and acres of grounds with woods, an orchard and a swimming pool, which was out of bounds unless you were escorted by a member of staff. There was also a small netball pitch and some swings. Near the swings we had some goats which were all tied up with ropes. The ropes were attached to another rope suspended between two bushes so that they could graze.

Beyond a dirt path, there were huge old chestnut trees and you could see red squirrels running along the branches. Beyond this little path was a summerhouse built on stilts, with an old thatched roof, leaded windows and a platform sticking out. This rickety old summerhouse was only used for privileges, to play table tennis, darts or shove halfpenny. It was out of bounds otherwise. Underneath it, we had about twenty rabbits in hutches and nearby was a pond with water lilies and frogs, surrounded by a rockery and tall grass. This was called the swamp, and it became a very important place for me.

We even had outside toilets so that no one had any excuses for sneaking back into the house. These toilets were also used for punishments. Come rain or shine, thunderstorm or hailstones, you were sent in the evening to the outside toilets to tear up a stack of newspaper into squares for everyone to wipe their bums. It took hours. When you had finished your hands were black, so then you had to scrub them in Gumption, which stung horribly.

Saturday teatime was different from weekdays as we had cream buns. When the staff sitting at the other end of the table were not