Encyclopedia Neurotica

INTRODUCTION

This book is an irreverent guide to the wacky world of neurosis, that safety-valve craziness that shields us from the Abyss, those sundry tics and twitches that stave off insanity. It proceeds from the conviction that Western culture has gone terribly wrong in its view of the human condition, that the pervading therapeutic ethos wrongly pathologizes deviant behavior with pseudoscientific diagnoses and mistakenly labels eccentricities as disorders. It suggests that rather than medicalizing our oddness, we should accept, appreciate, and even delight in it, because lunacy has definite entertainment value, at least when it doesn’t hurt anyone (and occasionally when it does). The nice thing about Southerners is the way we enjoy our neuroses, writes Florence King, and I think we could all profit from their example.

Postmodern life was overwhelming enough before September 11, 2001, when the world plunged into a new Age of Anxiety. Now our psyches are fraught with even more angst, ambivalence, and dread. From this well of worry flows a torrent of bizarre behavior. The old standbys are still thriving—depression, addiction, unresolved anger—and new complexes, phobias, and compulsions are surfacing all the time. To add to this reservoir of mishegoss, in the twenty-first century, bad habits have been turned into diseases, foibles are afflictions, and sins are syndromes.

We’re concerned here with neurosis in the colloquial sense, not limited by arbitrary clinical definitions, nor by New Age drivel, nor Freudian filth. We unblinkingly examine the fascinating vagaries of human behavior, including the creepy, the kinky, even the mildly criminal. We avoid psychosis, however, because there’s nothing cute about being hospitalized and medicated because you can’t stop the voices in your head. No, our subjects here are the walking wounded, people who have serious issues but still manage to function, more or less. In other words, the vast majority of the human race.

We’re all a bit twisted, are we not? And isn’t that a good thing, really? Maybe a little nuttiness displaces a lot of insanity. Isn’t it better to be slightly peculiar than completely deranged? Or, almost as bad, boringly sane? Sanity, if it exists, is dull and predictable. The aberrations make life interesting. They give us character (and characters, from Oedipus to the Odd Couple, Hamlet to Harry Potter). No matter how bizarre or inconvenient, they make us more elaborate, more fascinating, more charming, more … human. Or, as Carrie Fisher says, All the good people are nuts.

Join us, then, as we sail the seas of anxiety, shoot the rapids of rage, scuba the depths of depression, gaze into the reflecting pools of narcissism, fishtail on the oily puddles of addiction, cruise the confluence of addiction and codependency.…

Sorry, sometimes I get carried away.

—Jon Winokur

Pacific Palisades, California

A

Note: words in italics within definitions will also be found as separate entries.

Absurd, the

Literally out of harmony, the bewildering state of existence in a purposeless universe.

Why does a person even get up in the morning? You have breakfast, you floss your teeth so you’ll have healthy gums in your old age, and then you get in your car and drive down I-10 and die. Life is so stupid I can’t stand it.

—Barbara Kingsolver

The absurd is born of the confrontation between the human call and the unreasonable silence of the world.

—Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus (1942)

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

—Jack Handey

See also catch-22, human condition, Myth of Sisyphus.

abuse abuse

Indiscriminate use of the word abuse as the second element of a compound, referring either to the thing misused, or the thing or person harmed, as in fragrance abuse (wearing too much perfume), laxative abuse (excessive purging as part of an eating disorder), racket abuse (see McEnroe, John), river abuse (riparian pollution), and math abuse (figures lie and liars figure).

Abyss, the

Literally, the bottomless pit of primeval chaos from which the universe was formed; figuratively, the yawning, unfathomable chasm of existential terror.

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

—Friedrich Nietzsche

See also angst, dark night of the soul, undertoad.

acquired situational narcissism

An adult-onset form of narcissism characterized by grandiosity, lack of empathy, rage, isolation, and substance abuse. According to Cornell Medical School psychiatrist Robert Millman, acquired situational narcissism mainly afflicts celebrities, who tend to be surrounded by enablers.

addiction (formerly habit)

Compulsive need for a habit-forming substance such as nicotine, alcohol, or heroin. Some psychologists hold that applying the word addiction to compulsive behaviors involving sex, overeating, or gambling dilutes the meaning of a term that should be reserved for biogenetic diseases like alcoholism.

See also plastic surgery addiction.

Addiction has become one of the cant terms to explain less-desired behavior of all sorts. In the 1950s, when I was growing up, addiction meant horrible obsession and dealt almost exclusively with drugs, usually alcohol. With the rise of the self-help movement addiction has come to describe a less-pleasing behavior than one might like. You can now be addicted to chocolate, video games, procrastination, late night TV, sex, eating and/or not eating, and buying expensive things you don’t need.

—James B. Twitchell, Living It Up: Our Love Affair with Luxury (2002)

Could it be that by labeling common problems addictions we’re actually magnifying their power over us and making it even harder to conquer them?

—Utne Reader, November–December 1988

addiction memoir

Increasingly popular literary genre (or at least book category) in which the authors congratulate themselves for their triumphs over substance abuse.

See also celebrity sufferer.

adolescent

One who suffers from hormone-induced dementia.

Weird clothing is de rigueur for teenagers, but today’s generation of teens is finding it difficult to be sufficiently weird … because the previous generation, who went through adolescence in the sixties and seventies, used up practically all the available weirdness.

—P. J. O’Rourke, Modern Manners (1990)

adultolescent

Person between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-four who lives with his parents. The 2000 U.S. Census counted four million adultolescents, and according to another survey, 60 percent of college students plan to live at home after graduation. Independence is thus no longer a universal goal, and living at home after college is no longer stigmatized.

The conveyor belt that once transported adolescents into adulthood has broken down.

—Frank Furstenberg, sociologist

See also scaffolding.

adult temper tantrum

No longer the exclusive domain of small children, the temper tantrum is now acceptable grownup behavior, and not just for athletes and celebrities: Some management experts actually offer tips on how to lose your temper at the office for maximum advantage. Owen Edwards, author of Upward Nobility: How to Succeed in Business Without Losing Your Soul, claims that a good old-fashioned temper tantrum can send the message to others that you aren’t willing to be pushed around, and suggests that some bosses have a grudging respect for employees who know how to throw well-timed tantrums. But mental health professionals say that temper tantrums do nothing but alienate and frighten those around you, and can be hazardous to your health. The adult temper tantrum has been elevated to cinematic art by Jack Nicholson.

5 FILMS WITH CLASSIC JACK NICHOLSON TEMPER TANTRUMS

per Michael Wilmington, Chicago Tribune movie critic

1. The Chicken Salad Tantrum in Five Easy Pieces

(Bob Rafelson; 1970)

In a diner, Bobby Dupea (Nicholson) orders toast with his eggs. When a rude waitress says it’s unavailable, he orders chicken salad on toast, then asks her to Hold the chicken. You want me to hold the chicken? she growls. I want you to hold it between your knees! Bobby explodes, before sweeping the table clean.

2. The Housekeeping Fit in Carnal Knowledge

(Mike Nichols; 1971)

Jack’s best: Before a party, cynical New Yorker Jonathan (Nicholson) confronts girlfriend Bobbie’s (Ann-Margret) teary complaints that she sleeps all day because she has nothing to do. You want a job? Fix up this pigsty! Try vacuuming! He then hits a red-faced crescendo. That’s why you can hardly stand up! This place smells like a coffin!

3. The Barroom Blowup in The Last Detail

(Hal Ashby; 1973)

A surly bartender refuses to serve Meadows (Randy Quaid), the navy convict Billy Buddusky (Nicholson) is escorting to Portsmouth—and then threatens to call the Shore Patrol. Buddusky unleashes a torrent of profanity. "Shore Patrol? You’re gonna call the Shore Patrol? Listen … I am the Shore Patrol! Now, give this guy a beer!"

4. The Barbershop Tiff in Chinatown

(Roman Polanski; 1974)

Seeking a peaceful haircut and shave, L.A. private eye J. J. Gittes (Nicholson) is riled by a fellow customer’s nasty critique of his most recent case. Rising from his chair, Gittes tongue-lashes the other customer (I don’t kick them out of their homes like you jerks who work in the bank!) until the barber distracts him with a joke.

5. The Last Crackup in The Shining

(Stanley Kubrick; 1980)

At a snowbound lodge, wife Wendy (Shelley Duvall) discovers her alcoholic writer–blocked spouse Jack (Nicholson) has gone mad. Trying to save herself and son from the longest tantrum in any Nicholson movie, she locks herself in a closet, which he destroys with ax blows, capped with his blood-chilling peekaboo. Heeere’s Johnny!

affluenza

Virus of affluence that psychotherapist Jessie H. O’Neill defines as the collective addictions, character flaws, psychological wounds, neuroses, and behavioral disorders caused or exacerbated by the presence of, or desire for, wealth. Affluenza victims, regardless of their socioeconomic level, falsely believe that money can solve all their problems. Other symptoms include feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem, inability to delay gratification, low frustration tolerance, workaholism, and feelings of isolation and separation. According to O’Neill, affluenza is not only highly contagious, it is also hereditary.

Americans become unhappy and vicious because their preoccupation with amassing possessions obliterates their loneliness. This is why production in America seems to be on such an endless upward spiral: every time we buy something we deepen our emotional deprivation and hence our need to buy something.

—Philip Slater, Wealth Addiction (1980)

In our view, the affluenza epidemic is rooted in the fact that our supreme measure of national progress is that quarterly ring of the cash register we call the Gross Domestic Product. It’s rooted in the idea that every generation will be materially more wealthy than its predecessor, and that, somehow, each of us can pursue that single-minded end without damaging the countless other things we hold dear.

—John de Graaf, David Wann, and Thomas H. Naylor, Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (2001)

See also hedonistic treadmill.

Age of Anxiety, the

Appellation bestowed on the twentieth century by the poet W. H. Auden in his book-length poem of the same title which won a Pulitzer Prize in 1948.

Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today’s jobs with yesterday’s tools.

—Marshall McLuhan

agita

Dyspepsia, Italian-style.

agoraphobia

Greek for fear of the marketplace. The agoraphobe fears crowds, lines, trains, planes, cars—any situation that might trigger a panic attack.

The recluse imagines that if he can reduce the possibility of surprises the world will become orderly, but the more order he contrives, the more it is vulnerable to fortune. The wish to eliminate chance leads to the madness of which method is the symptom.

—Frederic Raphael, Eyes Wide Open: A Memoir of Stanley Kubrick (1999)

See also loner, recluse, solitude.

alcoholic (formerly drunkard, alky lush, rummy, dipsomaniac, wino, sot, booze-hound, barfly)

Someone who drinks to excess as a result of the disease of alcoholism. It was once thought that problem-drinking was a failure of willpower, but since the advent of 12-Step programs, the idea that alcoholics are powerless over their addiction has become an article of faith.

If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.

—Samuel Butler

When I was a practicing alcoholic, I was unbelievable. One side effect was immense suspicion: I’d come off tour like Inspector Clouseau on acid. Where’d this cornflake come from? It wasn’t here before.

—Ozzy Osbourne

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

—Winston Churchill

alexithymia

Alleged disorder that prevents its victims from expressing their feelings. As if that were a problem.

Allen, Woody (Allen Stuart Konigsberg, 1935–)

Short, insecure, self-absorbed, ambivalent, Jewish, and funny, Woody Allen was America’s favorite neurotic until he dumped Mia Farrow for her twenty-one-year-old adopted daughter.

He contributed gags to a newspaper column while still in high school and became a comedy writer for Sid Caesar after graduation. At twenty-three he began performing his own material and was soon a popular stand-up. He wrote humorous essays for the New Yorker that he published in three anthologies, and wrote his first screenplay, What’s New Pussycat?, in 1965, but so abhorred the Hollywood experience that he resolved never to work in that town again. The movie, however, made money and Allen was suddenly bankable, and he went on to direct a long string of personal films about his twin torments, sex and death, and became a rarity in the American cinema: an independent auteur. He appeared in most of his films as a wisecracking New Yorker, a nerdy, quasi-intellectual kvetch. In the process he became the world’s most famous analysand who perhaps did more for Freud than a whole convention of