The Compassionate Classroom: Relationship Based Teaching and Learning

ENDORSEMENTS From Teachers

This book is easy to read and easy to relate it. It provides small, tangible steps that can be implemented by any teacher or parent. It is the ‘scaffold’ that educators have been looking for to set the stage for tremendous learning.

—Brenda Harari, PhD, Educational Researcher and Consultant

This book shows teachers how to strengthen relationships, fuel interest, passion and inspire accomplishment! The authors solve the age-old mystery of how to resolve classroom conflicts without disrupting the learning process.

—Resa Brown, Special Education Teacher of the Year

"The Compassionate Classroom presents clear and concise explanations of the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of Nonviolent Communication along with playful exercises and games that animate the joy of natural giving. I am confident that The Compassionate Classroom will inspire many students in my college classes to share NVC in their own classrooms and beyond."

—Michael Dreiling, Sociology Professor and Author

"The Compassionate Classroom has great exercises and practical lessons that give educators tools to implement Nonviolent Communication in the classroom and create connections with students that will enhance both learning and teaching."

—Leslie Trook, Middle School Principal

"I am excited by The Compassionate Classroom and its potential to help the conflict that is a daily reality in our schools, especially here in South Africa. Some of its exercises and games have already yielded interesting results in our classes. It is an invaluable practical tool for today’s teacher. I heartily recommend it."

—Shena Lamb, University Instructor

"The Compassionate Classroom is a highly accessible, reader-friendly book that delivers what it promises. My dog-eared copy is an invaluable aid in supporting courses I develop and teach, as well as an encouraging, uplifting work. There are two sections; the first describes with certain clarity the power of learning in a ‘safe’ classroom where children can participate without fear of shame or blame. The second provides practical tools and exercises that are easily duplicated in the classroom. I predict this book will become an indispensable guide for professional educators and parents who strive to create schools where ‘learning flourishes and teachers enjoy teaching.’ It’s a gem!"

—Marcy Piekos, Educator

Last year was the best year of my teaching career. The tools in this book helped me transform my classroom from an ordinary to an extraordinary learning environment. Some end-of-the-year evaluations from my students said: This has been a really awesome experience! This is such a fun class! Mrs. Adivi is nice and fair. This class is a real treat! You will definitely love this class! One year ago I wouldn’t have thought these kinds of statements were possible.

—Carla Adivi, 7th Grade Science Teacher

"Visionary and practical, insightful and inviting, The Compassionate Classroom will touch the heart and enhance the practice of all who read it."

—Rob Koegel, Associate Professor of Sociology

"The language of Nonviolent Communication is a very clear and usable tool and replaces the language of shame, guilt, and blame. The authors demonstrate how this language introduces cooperation and peace into the classroom, and consequently, into the world. Supported by scientific research that shows how emotional clarity and ease enhance children’s ability to learn, the authors give various examples of how to learn and teach this process, adding a number of fun classroom exercises and games.

This book is not just for teachers—anyone interested in compassionate interactions will benefit."

—Marcelline Brogli, Therapist and Teacher Consultant

The Compassionate Classroom:

Relationship Based Teaching and Learning

Copyright © 2004 Center for Nonviolent Communications℠

A PuddleDancer Press Book

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a photographic recording, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or otherwise copied for public or private use without the written permission of the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to:

PuddleDancer Press, Permissions Dept.

P.O. Box 231129, Encinitas, CA 92023-1129

Fax: 1-858-759-6967, [email protected]

The Compassionate Classroom:

Relationship Based Teaching and Learning

1st Printing, October, 2004

Authors: Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson

Cover Design: Lightbourne, Inc.

Interior Design: MGM Graphic Design

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

ISBN: 978-1-892005-06-9

EPUB ISBN: 978-1-892005-06-9

Compassion is not a static state, nor is it a destination to be reached. Compassion is not a subject that can be taught. Compassion is a way of being in relationship—a way of acting and interacting. At the same time, certain practices can help cultivate this way of being. In our experience, Nonviolent Communication is the most practical and powerful of these practices.

—Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson

Contents

Acknowledgments

Letter from the Authors to Teachers

Introduction

Appreciation: Listening to Teachers

Section I - The Relationship-Teaching-Learning Connectio

Chapter 1. Creating Safety and Trust

Chapter 2. Relationships in the Classroom

Teacher-Self

Teacher-Student

Student-Student

Student-Learning

Section II - Tools for Creating The Compassionate Classroom

Chapter 3. Rediscover Your Giving and Receiving Nature

Chapter 4. Relearn the Language of Giving and Receiving

Chapter 5. Develop Skills Through Activities xs& Games

Chapter 6. A Guide to Lesson Planning

Appendices

References

Resources

Recommended Reading

Index

About PuddleDancer Press

NVC Books from PuddleDancer Press

NVC Booklets from PuddleDancer Press

About The Authors

Acknowledgments

We would like to acknowledge, with deep appreciation, the following contributors to this book:

Our students and fellow teachers who, by daily gifts of honesty, trust, and kindness, gave roots to our understanding and appreciation of the power of relationship based teaching and learning;

Marshall Rosenberg, for creating and sharing the process of Nonviolent Communication that is at the heart of The Compassionate Classroom and for inspiring us to contribute to the growing body of NVC work;

Gary Baran, Executive Director, and the Board of Directors of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, for vision, passion, and support;

The New Earth Foundation, the Threshold Foundation, and many individual donors who believed in this project and provided essential financial support for it;

Our editors and consultants, Gary Baran, John Dobrzanski, Kyra Freestar, Rita Herzog, Stanley Hodson, and Rob Koegel, who spent many hours reading through various drafts of the manuscript and offered wonderful suggestions for improvement along with unwavering encouragement and support;

Marty and Lisa Mellein, who contributed artistic vision, talent, and a great deal of flexibility working with us;

The CNVC Education Project Steering Committee, John Cunningham, Jillian Froebe, Sylvia Haskvitz, Liv Monroe, and Jean Morrison, for their vision, passion, numerous rounds of empathy throughout the writing of this book, and their many labors of love;

The CNVC Education Project Team members who first conceived of a book for teachers and then contributed activities, ideas, and inspiration: Martine Algier, Diane Arrigoni, Katie Barak, Marcelline Brogli, Doug Dolstad, Marilyn Fiedler, Marianne Gothlin, Holley Humphrey, Mary Mackenzie, Marlene Marskornick, Natasha Rice, Allan Rohlf, Robin Rose, Jean Ryan, and Fred Sly.

Meiji Stewart, Neill Gibson, and Shannon Bodie—the PuddleDancer Press team—who have taken us step by step through this book, generously sharing their skill, knowledge, and good humor.

Letter from the Authors to Teachers

Dear Teachers,

Do you want to know why your students resist your best teaching efforts, bully one another, and don’t want to do their school work?

The Compassionate Classroom: Relationship Based Teaching and Learning uncovers the truth behind these behaviors and gives you tools and skills to make learning and compassion thrive in your classroom.

We suggest you use this book as a tutorial to:

take a closer look at the four kinds of relationships in your classroom

determine whether your classroom is a safe place

learn how to motivate students without punishment or reward

recognize defiance, bullying, and underachievement as symptoms of a deeper cause

practice a way to communicate that eliminates fear and fosters trust

unlock your students’ natural desire to learn

Use the exercises and activities to help your students:

learn how to resolve conflicts

cooperate to meet mutual needs

take responsibility for their learning

We hope The Compassionate Classroom contributes new depth to your teaching and learning.

With best wishes,

Sura and Victoria

Introduction

Writing The Compassionate Classroom: Relationship Based Teaching and Learning has been a collaborative process that has enriched our lives in many ways. We have brought our collective forty-five years of teaching experience to the task of sharing how compassion and learning can blossom in the classroom. We have unpacked the foundational premises of Nonviolent Communication℠ (NVC℠) and framed the process in terms that teachers can readily share with young people. In making this book available, we hope to introduce teachers and parents to a process that powerfully integrates the intelligence of the mind with the intelligence of the heart. Our greatest desire is to provide teachers with practical tools to help them bring more lively learning and compassion into their classrooms.

Nonviolent Communication is both a consciousness of our compassionate nature and a process for interacting. As we wrote about NVC, we tried to clearly express the nature of this process and the nuances of the language without being formulaic or implying that there’s a right way to communicate. As a result, our understanding of NVC has deepened greatly. The challenge of describing an open-ended, creative, improvisational process of interacting still stretches our imaginations and capabilities. We are deeply grateful to Marshall Rosenberg for developing Nonviolent Communication and stretching the hearts of people all around the world toward a more enlivened, compassionate way of living.

Marshall Rosenberg developed Nonviolent Communication because he wanted to see more compassion in human relations. In his early training and practice in clinical psychology, he became acutely aware of the negative effects of diagnostic labeling and realized the power of language to shape thinking and consciousness. He studied the major spiritual traditions, paying attention to the language used by people whose lives emanated the love and compassion at the heart of these teachings. From his study

Dr. Rosenberg concluded that creating a peaceful world entails eliminating language that blames, shames, criticizes, and demands—language based on habitual thinking that inhibits compassion and contributes to violence. He developed a way of using language that connects us to the heart of human experience—values, dreams, desires, and needs. This clarity helps people meet their own needs and joyfully contribute to meeting the needs of others.

Marshall Rosenberg first used NVC in federally funded projects in the United States to provide mediation and communication skills training for racial integration in schools. Since then he has spread this powerful peace-making process worldwide. He has offered mediation and training in war-torn countries including Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Rwanda, Sri Lanka, Croatia, Serbia, Colombia, Sierra Leone, and Burundi. In 1985 he started the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), an international organization with trainers throughout the world who teach in schools, prisons, health care facilities, and government agencies.

In 1999, CNVC launched an Education Project to develop materials for schools and trainings for educators. This project has been generously supported by grants from the New Earth Foundation and the Threshold Foundation, as well as by donations from many individuals. The Compassionate Classroom is an outcome of the CNVC Education Project.

♦

We wrote this book for educators, particularly for elementary school teachers. We hope that the insights, tools, activities, and resources in it will support teachers who are, or would like to be, nurturing the seeds of compassion in their classrooms. We have been listening to teachers for many years. While writing this book, however, we found ourselves listening more closely than ever to their dreams, their concerns, and their frustrations. Their voices have guided us from cover to cover, and we begin this book with Appreciation: Listening to Teachers.

Section I explains how relationships impact teaching and learning and focuses on four vital relationships in the classroom: teacher to self, teacher to student, student to student, and student to learning. When we tend these relationships and infuse them with mutual respect, we nurture seeds of compassion.

Section II offers practical tools for creating a Compassionate Classroom. Five premises help develop a consciousness of our compassionate nature, which is at the heart of Nonviolent Communication. The distinct components of the NVC process offer guidelines for learning a language of compassion. Four dialogues convey the power of this language in classroom interactions.