He Was My First, Too

ROGER TOLLE is an IPSA certified surrogate partner, serving gay and trans men around the country from his home base in Charlottesville, Virginia. With a long practice in bodywork and movement therapy, and a decade of personal investigation and training in sexuality, he brings a unique tenderness and accessibility to his work with extremely vulnerable clients.

I BREATHED A SIGH of relief as I pulled into the only available spot behind the nondescript building where a therapist I’ll call Michael has his office. DC’s terrible traffic, along with the frustrating search for a parking spot, had frayed my already keyed up nervous system. A quick look in the rearview mirror told me nothing I didn’t already know. My short hair, dark on top, silver on the sides, was as neatly styled as ever. The sagging under my eyes, unfortunate evidence of my age, was almost concealed in the lift of my bright and hopeful smile. I was feeling the invisibility of age, aware that my previously reliable sexual currency had begun to lose its value.

Back home, my new boyfriend had reassured me that I was ready for this and that he would support me however I needed. He’d reminded me to give my full loving attention to this client, to hold nothing back. He’d assured me it would only ripen our own connection. Our unconventional open relationship relied on this sort of positive and nonpossessive communication.

Opening the car door, I recalled my mentor Vena’s generous advice, whispered in a dark moment of self-doubt during my training: “Age doesn’t matter. Just be your brilliant and beautiful self. Maturity is a gift in this work, as much as your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic. Remember, your clients will always be more anxious than you.”

I stopped in the fifth-floor restroom to wash my face and give myself a once-over. My pits were dripping, but thankfully not showing through. I whispered a quick pep talk to the stressed-out man in the mirror: “You can do this. Your whole life has been a perfect preparation.” Opening the door, I almost ran into a gaunt man with caved-in posture. His eyes darted up to meet mine, then scurried back to the floor in front of him.

“OK,” I said to myself as the door swung shut behind him, “maybe I don’t look as young and sexy as I used to, but at least I’m not dealing with socially constricting paranoia like he is.”

Five minutes later, Michael formally introduced me to the gaunt man. I’ll call him Ted. My job would be to guide and partner with him in his first successful sexual experience.

(SPT) grew out of Masters and Johnson’s research into sexual dysfunction. Their work, although controversial both in the 1960s and now, proposed that problems of sexual functioning can be resolved in the context of sensual retraining within the couple. The impressive results reported in their groundbreaking book supported this theory, which still underpins contemporary sex therapy. Masters and Johnson further reported that clients who did not have partners could learn the skills of intimacy, relaxation, communication, and sexual functioning by going through the same structured couples exercises with a surrogate partner. Since then, trained surrogates have worked with therapists to help thousands of clients, both men and women, resolve sexual issues.