CRAIG BROWN: Bloody corpse in the bath? Call the cliche cops
A-Z of TV Thrillers (part one)
Anti-corruption Unit: Always corrupt. Send for the Anti-Anti-Corruption Unit!
Anti-Anti-Corruption Unit: Sadly, also corrupt. Send for the...
Armed Response Unit: On every flight of stairs in the Netflix headquarters there’s a group of ten actors, in black clothes and black visors, brandishing toy sub-machine guns and trained at RADA to pirouette 360 degrees on every corner, so as to look vigilant and butch.
Balaclava: Any actor hoping to play an assailant is expected to come with their own balaclava.
Bathroom: Whatever happens, don’t go into the bathroom. Every bath contains a starey-eyed corpse, and there’s blood everywhere.
Beard, Man with a: But is that the same man with a beard as the man with a beard we saw in the last scene? Now, I’m getting muddled.
Behind you: You’re having a quiet night in, relaxing with a glass of wine and some easy listening on the hi-fi. Phew! No sign of a masked intruder hell-bent on revenge. Whoops! I spoke too soon. He’s behind you.
Binoculars: Well worth taking along if you’re a detective who’s planning to stand in the street outside a building on the off-chance you’ll catch a glimpse of a man attempting to murder an attractive young woman who has just stepped out of the shower.
Balaclava: Any actor hoping to play an assailant is expected to come with their own balaclava
Cat, It’s only the: The lead actress hears a frightening noise, but on closer investigation it’s only the cat
Boats, Messing Around on: Former detectives who were drummed out of the force for disobeying orders from their slippery boss always spend their long, empty retirements messing around on boats.
Breakfast: There’s no time for breakfast when there’s a serial-killer on the loose.
Cat, It’s only the: The lead actress hears a frightening noise, but on closer investigation it’s only the cat.
Cat, Actually, it’s not the: Two minutes later, who should put his head round the curtain but the crazy ex-lover, knife in hand.
Charles Dance: Always sitting there in his swanky office, suavely ordering terrified sidekicks to assassinate foreign leaders.
Close-knit community: See: Dark underbelly.
Cough: Any character with a slight cough in episode 1 is sure to be lying in the morgue by the end of episode 3.
Dark underbelly: See: Close-knit community.
Deadly combat, Locked in: Any woman locked in deadly combat with a serial killer will be saved at the last minute by her former husband.
Demons, Battling Inner: The best detectives spend most of their working day battling inner demons.
Doors: No need to bother turning a handle when you’ve got the Armed Response Unit to hand, ready to kick the door in.
Driving along a deserted road in the dead of night: Watch out! A deer is bound to leap out and smash your windscreen. Or, if not a deer, a madman with a knife, or the naked woman he is hell-bent on pursuing.
Charles Dance (pictured): Always sitting there in his swanky office, suavely ordering terrified sidekicks to assassinate foreign leaders
Breakfast: There’s no time for breakfast when there’s a serial-killer on the loose
Dying words: Murder victims always make the mistake of leaving the name of their killer to the end of their last sentence, which, sadly, they are never quite able to finish.
Final Episode: Or you thought it was, but when it comes to an end the hero is suspended over a ravine, with ten men in balaclavas coming after him. So you will have to sign up to series 2 in 18 months to find out what happens. 18 months later, series 2 ends with the same hero suspended over another ravine, with yet more men in balaclavas coming after him.
Flaw: Every detective has a flaw: a missing eye, an alcohol problem, insomnia, morbid obesity, bad breath, a dark past, a miserable childhood. See: Demons, Battling Inner.
Funeral: The person who arrives at the funeral unexpectedly, in a sleek black car, is always the man responsible for the death of the dear departed.
Groceries: Housewives bearing bags of groceries invariably find them spilling all over the floor when they are startled by a masked assailant.
Happening to me, I can’t believe this is: Exclaims the hero while the boat is filling up with water, the axe is plunging through the back door, or the parachute is failing to open. Snap! Nor can the poor viewer.
Honey, is that you? Of course not: it’s a man in a balaclava!
Indigenous folk: Full of ancient wisdom.
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