The Beard
"The Beard" is the 102nd episode of the NBC situation comedy Seinfeld. This was the 16th episode for the sixth season. It aired on February 9, 1995.
Plot
Elaine has tickets for Swan Lake. She is going as a beard for a gay man (Robert Mailhouse) whose boss, he believes, is homophobic. George is still wearing his toupee and only Kramer thinks he looks handsome. Kramer tries to set up a date for George, but as he doesn't have a picture of her they go to the police station where an acquaintance, who works as a sketch artist, can draw them a picture.
On their way to the station, Kramer gives Chinese food leftovers to a homeless man (Jon Gries). At the police station, George likes the picture and Jerry has his eye on a female Sergeant, Sgt. Cathy Tierny (Katherine LaNasa). On their way back, Kramer argues with the homeless man and cannot retrieve his Tupperware container. At the ballet, Elaine is acting as Robert's girlfriend.
Back at Monk's Cafe, Elaine talks with Jerry how nice Robert is, and the possibility to make him "change teams" (i.e., "convert" to heterosexuality). Jerry says conversion is not possible since they are only comfortable with their own "equipment."
Podcasts:
The Beard
ALBUMS
- Stereo Sushi 10 released: 2007
- Inhouse Perspectives 01 released: 2004
- Miami 2004 The Conference released: 2004
- Inhouse Perspectives 02 released: 2004
- Es Vive Ibiza 2004 released: 2004
- Pioneer Pro DJ released: 2003
- Loveslapped, Volume 3 released: 2003
- Playground, Volume 5: Eddy & Dus released: 2003
- San Francisco Sessions, Volume 4 released: 2003
- Fabric 03: Jon Marsh released: 2002
- Om Lounge 6 released: 2002
- Electric Mojo, Volume 3 released: 2002
Stereo Sushi 10
Released 2007- I Am Not My Hair (Wigged Out vocal)
- Now What (Matty's Soul Flower mix)
- Luv Remedy (club mix) (feat. Amrick Channa)
- Hypnotised (DJ Spen & The Muthafunkaz remix) (feat. Gia Mellish)
- Your Beat Sounds Like (original mix) (feat. Tiger Lily)
- Feel the Fire (Cookie Monsterz vocal mix)
- Give You (Jamie Lewis House cut) (feat. Crystal Re-Clear)
- Free Your Mind (Groove Junkies Moho Vox) (feat. TC Moses)
- Funky Love (Jay-J's Shifted Up vocal) (feat. Jackie Wilson)
- You Move Me (Richard Earnshaw remix) (feat. Lockamy & Inaya Day)
- So Good Today (Yortuba Suite mix)
- Freedom (Make It Funky)
Inhouse Perspectives 01
Released 2004- On My Own (Kaskade mix)
- Spend the Night (feat. Kandace Lindsey)
- I Can't Wait (feat. Omega) (Kaskade mix)
- All I Wanna Do (The Beard's mix)
- Keep Hoping (The Beard's mix)
- Close to Me (feat. Amma)
- Nights Like These (feat. Tracey Kelliher)
- Stop Talking (The Beard's dub)
- Was It Real (The Beard's In-House edit)
- Heartbeat (The Beard's unreleased dub)
- Deep 'n' Low (original mix)
Miami 2004 The Conference
Released 2004- Floating (Deep Xpress mix)
- Seducao (Stripped vocal Bounce)
- Vibrations (Jay-J Moulton Studios mix)
- Never Again (Copyright club mix)
- Pepita 16 (Danny Marquez & David Gomez Bubble Soul mix)
- Its Alright (Jamie Lewis Classic mix)
- Ever After (dub mix)
- Remembering You (E-Smoove mix)
- Close to Me (Andy Caldwell mix) (feat. Amma)
- Start It Up (original mix)
- Mr Feel Good (club mix)
Inhouse Perspectives 02
Released 2004- The Feelin'
- Close to You (feat. Emma) (Andy Caldwell mix)
- Give a Little (Andy Caldwell mix)
- Rockin Music
- Madan (Martin Solveig remix)
- I Can't Wait (Marquess Wyatt remix)
- Too Late for Love (Andy Caldwell mix) (feat. Gina Rene)
- Make It Mellow
- Pushin'
- That's Fareal (Lance Desardi remix)
- True
- Keep Hoping (Andy Caldwell mix)
Pioneer Pro DJ
Released 2003- Flash (Tomcraft Remix)
- Come Closer
- Satisfaction
- I Don't Wanna Stop (Molella Remix)
- Insane (Steve Murano Remix)
- Digital Technology (Oldskool Mix)
- Two Thumbs Up
- Believin' (J & R Remix)
- Somebody Skreem!
- Rock'N'Roll
- I Wanna Fly
- Save a Prayer (Steve Murano Remix)
- Follow You
- The Way (Svenson & Gielen Vocal Remix)
- Overload
- Weekend!
- Protect Your Ears (Pulsedriver vs. Rocco Remix)
- Come With Me
- Don't Break My Heart (Steve Murano Remix)
- Here We Go
Loveslapped, Volume 3
Released 2003- Slummin It
- Summertime (feat. Latrice Barnett)
- Surprise Me (feat. Jiney & Mizzy) (Llorca's NYC Late Walk mix)
- Make My Heart (feat. Latrice Barnett)
- Sugar, Baby, Darlin (Jazztrumental)
- It's You, It's Me (More Vox mix)
- Higher Ground
- Keep Holding (feat. Amma)
- Get Down (Movido mix)
- Feel the Music
- I Can't Wait (feat. Omega) (Marques' Deep Sunday vocal)
- Give a Little (feat. Latrice Barnett) (Jay-J's Moulton Studios mix)
Playground, Volume 5: Eddy & Dus
Released 2003- Rewind (acoustic dub)
- I Don't Want
- Blood of Trust
- The World (Looking at It's Back)
- Here's What's Left
- Elevate
- Stimulus
- Positive Situation
- Trying
- Only You (Sequel mix)
- Feel the Air (Yukihiro Fukutomi mix)
- Sunset on the Night on the River Nile (Eddy Ramichs 'KP2' mix)
- On the Street (Volcov 4-4-2 remix)
- Future Vision (Zero dB remix)
- One Last Look (Domu remix)
San Francisco Sessions, Volume 4
Released 2003- Soundtrack to the Soul
- Keep Hoping (Andy Caldwell remix)
- Make My Heart
- I Need Your Love (Crump Daddy club mix)
- In This Life
- True
- Gonna Get By, Part 2 (feat. Indeya)
- Funky Music (PB dub)
- Love & Music (Kaskade remix)
- It's You, It's Me (More Vox mix)
- The Light (Jamie Lewis dub mix)
- More for the Living
- After the Party (dub mix)
- Empty Streets
Electric Mojo, Volume 3
Released 2002- In the Morningtime
- Signs (feat. UK Apache) (Dom T mix)
- Jazzcapade (Crystal Cru remix)
- Futuristica
- Warrior Sound (dance edit)
- How Long Has This Been Going On (MJ Cole remix)
- Superpro-Kid
- Come With Me
- Outta Space (Twice Extension)
- The Drum
- Close
- (Hey) What's That U Do (feat. George Sueref)
- Speak Softly
- Ignorant People
- Someday (feat. Kamini) (Phuturistix remix)
-
by Beards
The Beard
by: BeardsThey called him the beard
And he walked here and there
They called him the beard
Because of his facial hair
And when he walked through the town
All the people would cheer
They’d say “Look at that guy
He’s got a really good beard”
They called him the beard
And he’d give to the poor
Protector of the innocent
Upholding the law
The women would blow kisses
The beardless men would frown
But his name was the beard
And he ruled the town
But the beardless men gathered, said “enough is enough
He's got such a good beard; all we grow is bum-fluff
He's taking our women, putting us all to shame”
So a plot was then hatched, The Beard would be framed
He was found and arrested, and sent to stand trial
The jury was rigged, he was sentenced to die
The beardless they gathered and led him away
To hang at noon that day
The Beard stood at the gallows,
A noose round his throat,
But a bullet was fired,
It severed the rope,
And then hundreds of men,
Suddenly appeared,
Riding on horseback
With thick healthy beards...
Then The Beard and his brothers,
They ransacked the town
They slaughtered the locals,
Then burnt the place down,
So if there's a lesson,
In this to be learned,
It's don't mess with the bearded,
Unless you want to get burned
By a man they called
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