Famous quotes by Jon Stewart:
"Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote."
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?""
"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."
"I feel your scorn and I accept it."
"Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid."
"There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is."
"I always knew I shouldn't have said that."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork."
"Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success."
"McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done."
"I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over."