Bob Newhart

Defusing A Bomb

It was a kind of coincidence that this week, there was
a movie on bomb disposals in Germany and... then there
was an item in the papers about this plane that was
flying along and somehow, a bomb came loose and fell...
it didn't explode, it landed and they had to send out
an expert team to disarm the bomb. It's always an
expert, courageous team of men who disarm these
bombs... and I got to wondering what would happen if a
team of non-experts ever tried to disarm one of these
bombs... and I picture a very small coastal city with a
beach... and we see the police chief who's sitting in
his office and he's expecting nothing more than a phone
call from one of his patrolmen on the beach... and I
think it would go, something like this...
Er... hello, Lieutenant Stevenson here...
Patrolman Hackmaster?...
Oh! hello Willard, you're a little late reporting in
aren't you, Willard?...
You've found a shell on the beach?...
You think that's unusual, do you Willard, finding a
shell on the beach?...
It's not that kind of shell?...
What's the matter, Willard, doesn't it sound like the
ocean when you hold it up to your ear?...
Oh! that kind of shell!...
Well, I'll tell you what, Willard, I'll send somebody
out in the morning and we can er...
Oh! is that right?...
I was sort of hoping it was your watch making that
noise...
I'm gonna give it to you straight, Willard. Willard,
you've got a live one there!
WILLARD!!!...
Don't hang up...
That's an order, Willard...
And stop that whining!...
Now, you're perfectly safe, Willard, there's nothing to
worry about as long as it's ticking...
Er, when it stops ticking, that's something else again,
Willard.
Now, listen Willard, get control of yourself...
You and I are going to disarm that thing...
I've got the instruction manual...
Well, no! I'm not coming down there, Willard...
Well, I mean I can't just leave the office anytime I
want to!...
NO!!!...
DON'T BRING IT IN HERE, WILLARD, NO!!!
Now look, Willard, I'm taking just as big a chance as
you are, I mean, this is my responsibility, if that
thing goes off, it's me they're gonna wanna to talk to,
not you, ya know!
Alright now, Willard, describe it to me...
Uh... it sounds like some sort of torpedo, Willard...
It must be one of ours!...
It says, 'Made in Japan' huh?...
Well, it could still be one of ours, Willard. Is there
a serial number or anything like that, on it?...
X5307... er, let me look that up, Willard, just a
minute...
Oh boy!... you've found a beauty there, Willard. Ha!
ha!... d'ya know how powerful that baby is?...
Six city blocks, Willard. ha! ha!...
What d'ya mean , you'll call me back?...
There's a phonebox seven blocks away...
WILLARD!!!...
Now, stop that whining, Willard!...
Willard, I know this is dangerous, but if we can save
one human life...
Oh, that's the way you feel about, huh?...
Look Willard, control yourself now...
Listen Willard, according to this, there's a... Er, how
long has that thing been ticking?...
About 5 - 6 minutes, huh?...
Huh?
Oh!... Er... nothing, Willard, nothing... we're just
gonna have to work a little faster than I thought!
Willard, according to the manual here, about six inches
from the tail-end of it, there's a plate...
Yeh, and it's held on by four screws...
Now it says, now this is very important, it says, 'This
plate should be removed with an LT5 screwdriver with a
plastic handle and a de-magnetised tip'...
Oh, you don't have one, huh?...
Augh!... use a coin then, Willard!...
Okay?... you got it off then, Willard?...
Boy! that thing sure is complicated... I can't make
heads nor tails outa this...
No, don't worry, Willard, I'll get that thing fixed if
it's the last thing... er, we'll take care of it, don't
worry about it...
Listen Willard, there's a kind of a little hootymajig
thing in there... a wheel of some kind! Why don't you
try turning the wheel, Willard?...
Oh, I don't know... turn it to the left and see what
happens...
Yeh!...
I can hear it, Willard, it's ticking a lot faster,
isn't it?...
Er!... you'd better turn it back, Willard!
Okay! let's see...
Listen, there are two wires here. It says here, 'Under
no conditions...
Oh! someone's spilled coffee over this page...
Well, one is a kind of greyish-blue and the other one
is a kind of er, bluish-grey...
Willard!...
Who are you talking to there?...
A LITTLE BOY!!!...
Willard, get him out of there! if that thing goes off,
we're...
He says it's his?...
It's a toy torpedo?...
Willard, let me talk to the kid, will ya?...
He ran down to the beach with it?
Willard, I think you'd better come into the office, we
ought to have a little talk... you hung me up here for
ten minutes because of a kid...
Willard!...
What was that noise?...
The toy torpedo just sunk a fishing trawler, huh?
Well, that's alright, Willard... it's out of our hands
now, 'cos now its in the Coast Guard's, right?...
Right!