1. |
Routine Plan
04:23
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On any given day I’m a 6/10.
Bed to desk to bar - eyes on the floor.
Still apologizing for the way I’ve been.
Each breath more full of shit than the one before.
I know the negative consumes me.
Guess I’m alright.
Let the guilt pass right through me while
My friends are taking dives
Off of cliffs and I just worry
About the songs I’ll never write.
It don’t matter –
they don’t want to hear me on the other side.
So let me ruin my guts tonight.
On any given day it hurts to stand up straight.
Erasing the same message on my phone.
Reaching out to friends who probably think that I am dead.
I should want to go home but I won’t.
These past four months I’ve been so angry.
I’m not alright.
Can you please come look right through me
And try to give a reason why?
I don’t know you or why you’d care,
But the devil’s loose inside
And I’m so sick of saying sorry when I cry.
Let me ruin my guts tonight.
You can haunt me ’til the world ends,
And we melt in the sunlight.
Just let me ruin my guts tonight.
On any given day I’m out to break your heart.
On any day you’ll bleed me my self-worth.
I’m done asking what’s the point
Of finishing the things we start.
When we’ve got ten years with these bodies,
And maybe twenty on this Earth.
But you said,
“We can’t take another summer in this place.
Everyone in this bar is the same.
Everywhere I look, it’s just routine pain.
I’m so sick of treading water.”
“Am I gonna be this down forever?
Am I gonna be this dumb forever?
Am I gonna be this gone forever?
Am I gonna be this numb forever?”
Then have you ever felt lower than everyone else?
I’m feeling lower than anyone else.
If everything’s lower than everything else,
I want to see how much lower we can go.
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2. |
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All I hear is “patience."
All I have are missed bank payments.
I can’t keep my head above the nonsense.
I know this won’t make me famous.
I know I can’t eat off this paycheck.
But my dreams are quick-drying cement.
Slipping through the tips of my fingers,
Filling my pockets.
Cannonballing to the black
When I hear you say...
“It won’t be this bleak forever."
Yeah right.
I hope you’re right.
Have you seen me lately?
It’s like I’m falling deeper and deeper.
Thinking someday I’ll just need a miracle,
But I need about 30 goddamn miracles.
While you say “be your own god.”
You say “you’re sane,
So get yourself right so we can start again.”
I’m so preoccupied with my own life
I can’t see the world is burning down,
Until I’m living underwater.
Stuck here pulling out threads,
But it won’t move in reverse.
I’ll die here in the Midwest.
Why can’t I live with that?
It can’t be this bleak forever.
Yeah right.
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3. |
Generation Loss
04:26
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You twenty-nine year panic attack.
You’re not the fashionable kind.
The kind where you wake up and say,
“Man I just want to survive.”
But this world is short on empathy.
You got out of your parent’s place,
Started making money,
Crashed your car and now they want your laces.
And they gave you just enough
To make you feel like you fucked up
When you realized you couldn’t keep yourself clean.
Kid you’re not half bad.
Could even be more than your dad.
So why’re you complaining
If they’re not listening?
We’re just so fucking tired
Of explaining ourselves.
We throw a pill down our throats,
Or ourselves into in the ocean.
Cause half our friends are dead.
The other half are depressed.
In this budget rate life
The borderline’s looking thin.
Driving out into the water
Because you took that leap of faith.
All I see is you floating
So I turn my stereo up.
Living bender to bender.
I only saw you when we were high.
You’re finally touching down
And I’m folding.
You said “enough is not enough”
Always feel like you fucked up.
So what’s the point of keeping yourself in line?
They won’t name you in the papers.
I see you out past the breakers.
That same smile you had since you were five.
I know that life is long enough.
Didn’t think you’d speed it up.
Feel selfish that we still want you alive.
The memorial wasn’t bad.
Some people tried to understand.
Thought you were just complaining.
But they weren’t listening.
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4. |
Kick
04:02
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When you saw your dad shoot up for the first time
It must’ve come as quite a shock.
You sat numb on the bed for hours
Ignoring the afternoon’s drop-offs.
Picture him, arms outstretched in a song.
After Sunday school let out,
He’d drive the family home
And you’d talk about Jesus.
But 15 years can change a man.
Alone in this wilderness.
Say “keep your head up if you’re not okay.”
But not okay is what’s expected.
Claim you’re a hero
If you could make it off the couch.
You know the truth in what they say:
The world’s gonna kick you either way.
Now you’re stuck in this routine
Trying to make something on your own.
Your older brother fled the country.
The cops are coming round your home.
But Kaylee has a baby on the way
They’re not gonna leave her a single mother,
The dope was legal
But they roughed you up for selling on the side.
20 years will change a man.
10 with behavior is what you’re looking at.
Just keep your head down and you’ll be okay.
You’re living up to what’s expected.
They’ll claim you’re nothing
When you’re walking out the door.
You know the truth in what they say:
The world’s gonna kick you either way.
And mom won’t even come around these days.
You pop your prescription and put on a brave face.
Zone out to the local AM station,
Try not to think about next month’s visitation.
Saw you last week
We haven’t talked since graduation.
You’re selling H with a guy to catch up
But it’s clear you’re using.
I didn’t have the guts to be a better friend.
But what’s another ten grand gonna fix in the end?
Keep your head up if you’re not okay.
But not okay is what’s expected.
Claim you’re a hero
But you died there on the couch.
You knew the truth in what they say:
The world’s gonna kick you either way.
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5. |
Beachfront Property
04:07
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Said “it’s the end of days
And we’re just hoping for the beachfront property.”
Numb with indecision.
Daring some asshole to take a swing.
I’ve got $800 to my name.
Not sure what it means.
Trying to take these bastards
For a quarter of a million
Despite your mom’s protesting.
If every city’s the same.
Doom and gloom under different names.
Maybe we should find our home in one?
I hate the rhythm of our lives these days --
Staring into dead space.
Shouting at my phone.
Ducking in my seat
Cause someone brought a bag into the movie theatre.
Everyone shrugs at the same time.
“Yeah, yeah, we know.”
You’re singing sad to thirty-somethings in a bar,
“Play us some nostalgia songs,
Cause no one really wants to hear about you anymore.”
I know.
We argue and assign the blame
Not like any of us feel the shame
Count on one hand all the good we’ve done.
Said “it’s the end of days,
And you’re still pissing in the wind.
Don’t believe in god.
But figured he’d be a better planner than this.
I’m tired anyway.
Why the hell would I care?
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6. |
Losers
04:25
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We’re gonna waste the days getting outpriced of our apartments.
Hoping we don’t go homeless.
We sure as shit ain’t moving home.
Watching television we’re stealing from our parents.
So many opinions on how we live,
But there’s no option for even how to get out of bed.
My bleak mind says it’s cheaper just to die.
The prick inside my head’s laid off and daring me to try.
My bleak mind says this is all you get.
Hoping all this time but all you’ll find is
It gets harder, doesn’t it?
Won’t see the doctor until I’m down on my knees.
Blacking out in strip malls to avoid taking care of what’s in front of me.
So I’ll live my life off points from credit card financing,
And you’ll stay stuck losing your jobs,
Let’s watch these options pile up.
Or let’s ask for help?
We replaced my broken mattress with another hand me down.
Talking nightly about nothing.
Feels like giving up somehow.
Haven’t we faced enough
To know this is how it goes?
We’re mediocre. We’re losers.
Forever.
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7. |
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The pain is back in my chest again.
Holding me down like a high school friend.
Says “the world’s about to end,
you best start swimming.”
You said “anxiety’s the theme of all our lives these days.”
Can’t even have my coffee without exploiting someone,
Or making another millionaire a billionaire.
What would it take to be happy?
I’d probably start with their money.
It’s the clear backpacks.
It’s the two new fire exits.
I’m just buying a beer.
Don’t want to think of where I’m running
If another asshole takes a shot.
It’s the city burning down
While I stare at dirty pics you sent me.
It’s me hiding in the desert,
But I taste the ocean in my snot.
Trying to find my footing.
I know you’re sick of looking.
Don’t take me out back and shoot me.
I know my circuits are faulty.
And I’ve only ever been a kid
Pointing out dead dogs on the road.
Take me down in a landslide.
Help me weather this high tide.
I’ll wear you out waiting for me to implode.
But don’t take me out back and shoot me.
I’m done dying on the inside,
Now that everything is dying outside.
The sky is letting go,
Of holding on, like a crying child.
Armageddon on my mind.
I’ll try to smile all the time.
Like hell’s a construct that I need
To make amends or keep myself clean.
And yes,
I’m aware it’s fleeting.
Because the ocean’s gonna rise.
The river’s finally gonna overflow
And leave us stranded.
Trying to make it to the other side,
But there’s a crack in my lifeboat.
And I’m sinking.
Would you sink with me?
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8. |
Losers 2
04:02
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Staring like a stranger from the dirt field
Across from my childhood home.
Noticed how out of place I looked there.
Now it’s a place I can’t afford.
When my family lost it back in ’08
I swore it was just a setback.
All we needed was to graduate,
And keep ignoring facts.
“Don’t you know you were born to die poor man?
Don’t you know that you’re gonna do yourself in?
And you’ll always wake up tired
Cause there’s nowhere we go from here.”
Stuck working at that third job driving
Well-meaning moms to protests for minimum wage.
Still depressed.
Still living for the weekend.
Still terrified to die at your age.
No cancer. No crash.
It better all go as planned.
Or one day soon you’re not gonna get by.
Know damn well there ain’t no promised land.
The cost of living means
The cost to stay alive.
They’ll say these are our exciting days.
At least until they ask our age.
Now I’m just a walking tragic ending.
Fuck.
I don’t want to be the last one standing.
So I’m leaving the city.
Maybe the country.
Maybe the Earth.
Gotta find a place of my own.
Where fuck ups aren’t cops
Patrolling neighborhoods they’re afraid of.
And the rest of us won’t burn out
Displacing locals from neighborhoods
We’re afraid of.
Know if we weren’t bailed out
Every time by our parents
We’d be dead.
What’s gonna happen when they’re dead?
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9. |
Dolores
03:10
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Radio’s droning.
Dulled out by the intercom on fire.
Guiding the evening’s choreography.
Katie has her hand in a young man’s chest.
Stain on her white shoes that won’t wash out.
So usual.
Not even the last pair this year.
Down the hallway -- cries rise and fall,
In between the nearly constant sirens.
Someone turns on the news like we need it.
It’s just another white man with a grudge.
Break room sits empty.
Like our hearts are draining in the waiting room.
You think of your daughter,
And her wedding.
You know life isn’t long enough.
Shirt speckled red.
Holding onto a young girl’s hand,
So frail & cold.
So casual.
Not even the last one today.
I Wish for the fingers to count.
Or the memory to remember each new city.
Lost track so long ago.
Think it was around 260.
They’re praying for you.
Everyone here is dead or dying.
You know there’s nothing we could do if we tried.
Isn’t that good enough?
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10. |
Brave Faces, Everyone
04:26
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Broken nose.
Another textured ceiling.
I know where I am.
I’ll pretend like I’m lost.
Sometimes I want to vanish completely,
Call in sick from life.
I woke up and didn’t feel better.
Don’t know why I’d act surprised.
At least each year is getting shorter.
And the ocean’s on the rise.
I’m terrified there’s no more waiting.
I’m running out of what comes next.
Running through jobs I’m gonna hate.
Living paycheck to paycheck.
Like my parents.
And their parents.
And their parents before them.
I should be happy with my personal effects.
But I’ve got my encore.
I’m back living on their floor.
I feel like burning down my life again.
Watch the fire spread over my skin.
Until I’m nothing left but skeleton.
I saw a sign in Hannover
That said “the future is in motion.”
But the motion has me sick.
It’s okay I’m sick of standing.
Still paying off a good idea
From when I was 23.
A life spent living off loans.
But I still don’t know what I love.
I’m over-leveraged.
My credit’s gone weak.
And the city turned off the power,
So you know it’s dark most of the week.
But if I burn this place down,
We’d have some heat.
At least I’m seeing things more positively,
Because I swear to god, I’m an optimist.
I feel like burning down my life again.
Watch the fire spread over my skin.
Until I’m nothing left but skeleton.
A pile of dust that free just floating in the wind.
Brave faces everyone.
I’m always looking up,
And you’re jumping.
But this world has no empathy.
We’ll never have our own place.
And if nothing’s getting better.
It’s as bad as it seems.
Why can’t we say fuck it?
We know it’s not what we need.
I’m sick of yelling at strangers.
Don’t want to do this forever.
When it all burns down,
Will you carry me over?
We don’t have to fix everything at once.
We were never broken --
Life’s just very long.
Brave faces everyone.
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