CantBlogTooBusy is a tumblelog.

Force Awakens bullets, with spoilers

The last time I wrote on Tumblr was a year ago – this seems to me a Christmas break thing. Anyways, I saw the new Star Wars, and I liked it. But it was odd in the days after to hear critics and friends of mine declare it as wonderful. It isn’t. So here I present the least necessary thing on the internet: a new round of input on the new space fighting film.

I state these opinions as a guy who grew up with the OT, who rewatched all 6 episodes with his daughter in two recent months, and who as a father of two, watches a lot of kids’ movies. And from that point of view, The Force Awakens most resembles 2015′s The Peanuts Movie – you loved the characters, you were scared the news version would fuck it up, and you’re relieved to learn that they didn’t. Things that weren’t great:

• The characters don’t grow. Po is a hotshot good guy throughout. Rey is the same noble old soul throughout, and she does nothing particular to earn her new powers. Finn is the most static of all, to the degree that he seems like a character from Episodes 1-3. He never seems like a trooper, he never seems like a competent hero. Which is fine for the purposes of the movie they made: The characters don’t need to show any agency, because the Force is waking up and that is what moves the plot along.
  
• Everything about the Starkiller is a Rob Liefeld version of the Death Star. Going to need sub-bullets for these:
• Going to a planet to blow a shield generator so the folks in the spaceplanes can blow it up is the exact same as the third act of Jedi. Why waste our time with this?
• CGI dogfights. I just don’t care, because I suspect no main character’s storyline will be meaningfully impacted by this dogfight.
• Force-wise, blowing up a planet is not the same as blowing up a moon-sized space station. The Starkiller is a planet is full of vegetation and, we have to assume, other life. If we’re going to increasingly make The Force into the guiding hand of the plot, then it seems odd to burninate an entire planet because we don’t like what the bad guys did with the place. 
• Stop nuking stormtroopers. People used to point out that it was a little off that it was OK to blow up the Death Star and kill a million people. Then the prequels came out and we learned they were clones. Now they’re conscripts/slaves like Finn – but it’s still cool to burn a whole planet full of people with their own private consciences. 
• The magnitude of Kylo Ren’s powers grow and shrink as the plot demands. When we want to introduce our villain and make him cool, our villain can catch blaster bolts. When we want someone (anyone!) else to be cool now, he’s useless. This is the kind of logic you may remember from daytime Hasbro cartoons. 
• Han Solo dies like a sucker. We are introduced to Han Solo in a cantina scene that says “This character is cagier than his enemies.” We say goodbye in Ep7 thinking, “This character is understands less than anyone in the theater.” The rote nature of the death scene was temporarily saved by the fact that I thought Chewie had shot RK in the groin.
• More unexplained, counterproductive self-exile. Yoda and Obi-wan’s retreat from the world after Ep3 was dumb on its own. As the MacGuffin for an entire film, it’s bad.
• C-3PO. I walked home with my daughter, and she asked why I thought C-3PO had a red arm. I said it was so they could sell a new version of his action figure. I wish I could have told her anything else.
• Did they cast Lupita Nyong'o in the Magical Black Person role? They did. 
• Po shoulda died, for the sake of developing Finn’s character. This was apparently in the original script. Po escapes with Finn, but doesn’t survive the crash on Jakku. If this happened, Finn’s character would be guilty and the audience would give a damn. We might sympathize with his hopelessness and his instincts to run away from danger, and we might feel for defensive of this dorky guy who carries the guilt of killing LEIA’S MOST DARING PILOT. Instead, it’s unclear what Finn is here for, other than to make suggestions people ignore.
• The fan service was sometimes too thick. You already nailed the introduction of the Falcon, JJ. Stop elbowing us in the ribs once we’re already on the ship. Did you see those gas masks? Did you see that jedi training orb? Did you see that chess board turn on? 
• Stop humping OT merchandise for plot points. Stop talking to a helmet from 1984. Stop anthropomorphizing lightsabers into Harry Potter wands that can pick their owners.
• Snoke looks like a Lord of the Rings bad guy. You can’t steal from every popular movie.
• This movie couldn’t stand on its own. Related to my first point. Episode 4 was amazing to see again this year, because it’s just crackerjack storytelling. We move Luke from bratty farmboy to cosmic badass about as quickly as Walter White turns to cooking meth and killing in the Breaking Bad pilot. Han does a similar 180, and Leia, while static, is a fun 5-foot badass throughout. One of the worst things about the prequels is that the characters never grew or changed, and it’s the same with this one. People (played by likable, charismatic actors) do things for unknown reasons, and we’re told we’re supposed to root for one side, because the other side TALKS VERY EEVIL or BLOWS UP PLANETS. 

Things that seemed original that I liked:

• Leia was strong. Carrie Fisher’s been through a lot, so they wrote around that, and now it looks and sounds like our princess is a character in Nighthawks at the Diner. 
• BB8 was strong. He’s actually funnier than any other droid the series has done. 
• Kylo’s voice. These movies are about having an ear and an eye for what’s cool. Double-sided lightsabres, all the creatures in the cantina, the drones on Hoth. They only work if they seem novel.

The three main actors did a wonderful job with the roles they were given, but there’s just not much that’s memorable about it.