The Bachelor season premiere recap: 32 women court Joey

Greetings, fellow rose lovers! I do hope our time apart has treated you well, and that you’re ready to join me on Joey Graziadei’s “journey” to find “love.” Tonight’s premiere of The Bachelor included sibling rivalry, "Can I steal you?" drama, and a banana gimmick that made me — and dare I say the Bachelor himself — quite uncomfortable.

Let’s recap!

The evening begins with an ominously emotional flash-forward to the Proposal Platform™. All is quiet except for the sound of the crashing waves and the sniffles of our Bachelor, who is in tears.

Eventually, Joey heaves a heavy sigh and walks away from the Platform. The camera cuts to an overhead shot of a white SUV driving away, and then to the Final Rose, which rests untouched on the podium. Clearly, producers want us to believe that the “winner” rejected Joey’s proposal — but come on, we’re not idiots. You think anyone is going to turn this man down?

Not buying it, Team Bachelor.

During his Ready To Find Love Again™ montage, Joey sits down with his family, including his sisters, Carly and Ellie. “It’s really cringey to watch you making out with multiple people, so can you just, like, work on it a little bit for us?” Carly asks him with a laugh. So sorry, sis, but your brother will not keep his lips to himself tonight. (More on that later.)

“I want someone that’s very open, that’s caring, adventurous, fun,” says Joey via voiceover as he suits up for night one. “Someone who feels very comfortable in their own skin.” (Who’s going to tell him that no one who goes on a reality TV dating show is actually comfortable in their own skin? Anyone? Bueller?)

Aaand we’ve made it to the mansion!

Host Jesse Palmer greets our Bachelor and then drops this bomb: “Joey, you’re making history tonight… There are more women showing up here tonight than we have ever had on this show before!” Did anyone else’s feel a sharp pain in their soul upon hearing this news? These two-hour premieres already feel four days long. WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO US? Ugh, let’s just get to it. Let! The! Journey! Begin!

Lexi, 30 (Digital strategist, Atlanta):

YES to starting the night off with a 30-year-old. In her intro package, we learn that this soft-spoken Canadian transplant really wants to be a mom but “might not be able to have kids” due to a mysterious “health condition.” Don’t worry, girl — there are lots of ways to build a family.

Rachel (26, ICU nurse, Hawaii):

Rachel is radiant, and she brings Joey a lovely Kukui Nut lei. He seems charmed.

Maria (29, executive assistant, Ontario):

I’m going to be honest rose lovers: I didn’t really hear much of what Maria said about why she chose to be on the show, because I immediately went down a rabbit hole trying to figure out if her dad (pictured above) was a retired rock star or something. Doesn’t he give off “I used to be the road bassist for Bon Jovi” vibes? Turns out, the he’s actually the CEO of Jubilee Candy Corporation, which I suppose makes Maria a Canadian candy heiress. Oh, and I’m still trying to figure out why ABC blurred the little Canadian flag that Maria gave Joey. I’m guessing it’s some kind of trademark issue, but I'm not sure. Because I am a lunatic, I emailed the Department of Canadian Heritage to ask if they would have objected to the flag being shown in this context on The Bachelor, and received this response: "Although the National Flag of Canada is protected by the Trademarks Act against unauthorized use for commercial purposes, the use of the National Flag of Canada in a TV show as you have described would have raised no concerns at the Department of Canadian Heritage." (Cue "The More You Know" music.)

Moving on!

Erika (25, leasing agent, New Jersey)

We stan a girl with confidence. Erika literally dances her way out of the limo, with the help of a portable speaker playing some snazzy Flamenco music. “Growing up, my house was always filled with love and dancing,” says Erika, who is of Dominican and Cuban descent. “So I’ll be the one to teach Joey the ways [of dance]… and then he can teach me, like, some tennis.” Sounds like a plan.

Autumn (26, account executive, Missouri)

Okay, so she exits the limo, tosses two handfuls of reddish-brown leaves in the air, then asks Joey what his favorite season is — and bless his heart, the man says, “Spring... or summer.” (God doesn’t give with both hands, folks.) But Autumn takes it in stride, and they have a perfectly fine introductory chat.

Kelsey A. (25, junior project manager, Louisiana)

Watch out, Joey. This New Orleans girl is about to practice the ancient art of Voodoo on your ass. Though Kelsey lost her mother a couple years ago, her dad supports her decision to go on the show, and Kelsey believes her mom would approve of Joey as a potential son-in-law.  

Chrissa (26, marketing director, British Columbia)

I’m liking the energy on this one. “Bring it in!” she says with a big smile, wrapping Joey in a hug. And the Bachelor seems impressed, too. “This is the most elegant dress we’ve had yet,” he gushes, as Chrissa shows off her midnight blue sequined number. She says 2024 is her Year of Yes, so that can’t be Chrissa Joey’s crying about at the Proposal Platform™, can it?

Ooop, we’ve still got 25 (!) more women to go, so it’s time for a rapid-fire montage. Chandler (24, graphic designer, New York) makes a Joey-and-Chandler appropriate “I’ll be there for you” joke; Marlena (26, finance writer, Florida), goes the earnest “I’m only here because it’s you” route; Starr (25, mental health counselor, Florida) gives the Bachelor one of those box-of-butterflies things; and Talyah (23, esthetician, California) comes prepared with a pre-made save-the-date card:

Nat (26, nurse/professor, Ontario) barely gets any screen time, while Sandra (26, cyber security consultant, Nashville) clearly came with some kind of prop, but all we hear her say to Joey is, “We’re going to build this relationship on trust.” (Man, they are just breezing through these intros right now! I’m imagining a PA in the background just waving his arm in a circle over and over again yelling, “Keep it moving, ladies. Keep it moving!”)

Sam (31, CPA, Nashville) tries for something a little risqué, but it falls a little flat. “I watched you on Charity’s season and I saw how excited you got after the Fantasy Suites, so I already know you’re the whole package.” Uh, that doesn’t actually make sense, but okay.

Our next contestant is actually a two-for-one.

Please welcome Lauren (28, nurse, Philadelphia) and Allison (26, realtor, Philadelphia), just two normal sisters who thought, and I quote, “this would be a really good experience to try out together.” That said, Allison admits that it’s “going to be weird” to “date the same guy as their sister all at once” and “for the whole world to see.” It won’t just be weird for you, ma’am. She adds that she and Lauren plan to keep Joey and the other women in the dark about their sibling status, at least for night one. While Allison’s intro is pretty uneventful, Lauren arrives with two cans of beer (or something fizzy) and challenges Joey to a shotgun race.

As predicted, Lauren remains undefeated, though Joey does let out an impressive burp after he finishes chugging.

We’re now at the halfway point for introductions, so things are slowing down a bit.

Katelyn (25, radiochemist, Santa Fe)

This fetching scientist brings a tray with a boiling flask and a beaker. “I thought today we might have a little fun experiment and see if we have any chemistry,” she says. Joey dons his safety goggles and helps Katelyn with hers, and then he pours the white solution in the beaker into the red solution in the flask. And… voilà! “It looks like we have chemistry!” chirps Katelyn.

I’m sorry… am I the only one seeing this? Please tell me you see it too, rose lovers.

Kelsey T. (31, actor, Los Angeles) has a totally normal, gimmick free entrance, which of course means the next one is going to involve some nonsense.

Jenn (25, physician assistant student, Miami)

After riding up on a go-kart, Jenn delivers the punchline: “When I found out you’re the Bachelor, I had to race over here so quick from Miami.” Groan. But not as big a groan as the next entrance.

Riding up on a speedboat (pulled by a pickup truck), Jess reads her scripted hello with as much verve as she can: “Hey Captain, I heard you were looking for a new relationship!”

I mean, come ON, Team Bachelor. You’ve gotta try a little harder with these puns. I know you’re on the 28th season (which adds up to approximately 840 limo-exit gags), but I’d honestly rather see a woman walk up to the Bachelor and say hello like a human being than attempt to mug her way through a tortured comedy bit.

Keep it simple! Lanie (27, realtor, Philadelphia) gets it.

Edwina (25, entrepreneur, Atlanta) brings some kind of spicy dish for Joey to try, while Samantha (25, pro football cheerleader, Miami) tosses the Bachelor a ball of pizza dough and quips, “Now that you have the dough, I’m hoping you see that I’m the one that you knead.” Okay, now that’s a good pun. And no gas-guzzling trucks required!

Taylor (23, recruiter, Chicago)

“This is a HUGE bra!” marvels Joey. Indeed, it is, sir. “I wanted to show you I’m here for the massive support,” explains Taylor. I mean, as far as puns go, that one’s okay. I’ll allow it.

Alas, poor Kyra (26, paralegal, Miami) thought it would be a good idea to scream loudly in Joey’s face, but man, at least she didn’t do this:

Oh boy. Zoe (24, artist, Atlanta) really did just unveil a tray of bananas and say in her out-loud voice, “Which one would you say you resonate with?” Though it would have been absolutely amazing if Joey had picked up the little banana nub just to torment her, instead he chooses a medium-sized piece. “We’re not gonna go crazy,” he jokes.

Next up is Kayla (27, guidance counselor, Ohio), who makes loud orgasm sounds before coming out of the limo. “I was just practicing my tennis grunts,” she says coyly. Let’s hope her school board doesn’t see this.

Yes, we’ve reached the “obligatory tennis references” portion of the evening. Evalin (29, nanny, San Antonio) rides up on a tennis umpire’s chair:

Sydney (28, vintage store owner, Rhode Island) informs Joey that she lives in the same city as the International Tennis Hall of Fame, and Madina (31, mental health therapist, North Carolina) is preceded out of the limo by several dozen tennis balls. “It took me a lot of balls to come here,” she says. (Pun score: 1.5/10)

Daisy (25, account executive, Minnesota)

It turns out Christmas tree farms don’t just exist in Hallmark holiday movies. In fact, Daisy grew up on one! Also of note: Daisy began losing her hearing when she was 17, and last year she got a cochlear implant. “It honestly completely changed my life,” she says. “But I haven’t dated since I got my implant, and so I’m super nervous.” And once she gets inside the mansion, Daisy’s anxiety starts to peak again. “Everyone’s so pretty!” she marvels. “Somebody should have told me this was America’s Next Top Model.” No, but there’s a good chance you will have to endure a photo shoot date.

Our final hopeful of the night is Lea (23, account manager, Hawaii).

She’s been holding on to that card since last summer, y’all! But Lea asks Joey to find her later so they can open the envelope together.

With the introductions over, the only thing left for Joey to do is make his way inside the mansion and face his large, sparkly harem.

“I do truly believe that my future fiancée and wife is here tonight,” the Bachelor tells the women. “I truthfully feel more confident than ever that I’m ready to find my person.” All right, man — get to it!

Autumn gets the first one-on-one chat with the Bachelor, and she wants him to know that she, too, is looking for a love like her grandparents have. “My grandparents knew each other for two weeks before they got engaged,” she says. “And they’ve been married for 67 years.” Okay, so maybe getting engaged after two months isn’t that outrageous. Erika is up next, and Joey says he likes her “spunk” and that she’s “very sweet.” From there, he heads outside to sit with Jess on the back of her speedboat.

“You’re a walking green flag,” Jess raves. “You are everything I’ve been looking for in a partner and a relationship.” Oh, for the love of all that’s holy, when will the women who come on this show stop projecting all of their hopes and desires onto a dude they’ve known for approximately 3.25 minutes? (Also, is it just me, or does Jess already seem a little tipsy?) Anyhoo, Jess tells the Bachelor all about the different places she’s lived (Tennessee, Colorado, now California), and he LOVES it. “She’s got this traveler and this love for life inside of her,” says Joey. Before long, he’s leaning in for a kiss.

Wine glass in hand, Jess floats back into the mansion and announces to the room that she and the Bachelor just shared, and I quote, “a little smoochy-poo.” The women do NOT love it. There are gasps and squeals, and one women even yells, “Is he sober?” Taylor finds Jess’ kiss-and-tell moment “very disrespectful,” and “awkward,” “uncomfortable,” and “weird.” Agreed on all points.

Meanwhile, Jenn and Joey are having a little go-kart race out in the driveway, and if we’re being honest, she cheated. (With 3-2-1, you don’t go ON “one,” girl!) Later, they sit on the front step and Jenn tells Joey that she was only willing to put her schooling on hold for the show because he’s the Bachelor. Cut to: Kiss number two!

Here’s hoping Jenn kept the smooch on the DL.

Madina and Joey play tennis with an oversized racquet and ball in the driveway, and after that, Sydney boasts to the Bachelor about the time she broke the record for the most free-throw shots at the Florida bar. Edwina informs Joey that cooking is the way she expresses her love, and Lanie talks about her dog. (Relatable.)

It’s almost time for Daisy to sit down with the Bachelor, and while she’s “having a really good time,” being in a crowded, loud environment with all the other women is a bit of a challenge. “I do feel overwhelmed, but I think it’s just because I can’t really hear that well with that much noise going on,” she explains. “I’m new to having a cochlear implant, and I didn’t think it would be this overwhelming for me.”

Fortunately, producers have reserved a quiet corner for Joey and Daisy to sit and chat next to her Christmas tree. She begins by telling the Bachelor that she just wants to “have fun and get to know you and see if we can develop a relationship.” She seems genuinely sweet, and she urges Joey to be kind to himself when the process gets stressful. “I’m so excited for you,” Daisy continues. “And whatever happens, I’ll be cheering you on.” The Bachelor LOVES it. “She has this soft-spoken demeanor that pulls you in, that’s captivating,” she says. “I’m drawn to it.”

Number three, rose lovers! And the night is barely half over. Speaking of the halfway point…

Jess thinks she’s got the First Impression Rose in the bag. She’s so confident, in fact, that she interrupts Taylor’s chat with Joey. “Do you care if I steal him for a quick sec?” she says/slurs. Taylor pushes back. “A second time? Are you sure?” Eventually, Jess agrees to give Taylor one more minute — though instead of leaving she just stands a few feet away.

Taylor completely ignores Jess — who has the audacity to say she’s “not trying to be that girl” — as she walks back into the mansion. But Jess brushes it off. “I’m definitely not here to make friends,” she drawls. Mission accomplished. As soon as Jess comes back into the mansion, Taylor pulls Jess aside to voice her displeasure. She wants Jess to admit she was eavesdropping on her chat with Joey, but Jess denies it, insisting that she “stepped away” when she realized Taylor was having a “serious” conversation with the Bachelor. Taylor’s all, Whatever, karma is my boyfriend.

Remember how Allison and Lauren said they weren’t going to tell anyone that they were sisters? Well, they’ve changed their minds and have decided to address “the elephant in the room” by breaking the news to all the women.

This leads to some A+++ trolling by The Bachelor's graphics team.

As you can see from their faces, the women are understandably perplexed. “Eskimo sisters!” bellows Nat, while the others just stare at them, confused and a little grossed out.

Unfortunately, now it’s time for Joey to learn this uncomfortable truth. Lauren sits down with him first, and they talk about their family (LOL) and their shared love of Philadelphia. Lauren is determined to kiss the Bachelor before her little sister, but she’s unable to make a smooch happen despite her best efforts. Will Allison have better luck? Short answer: Yes.

Lauren is NOT happy. (Also, our Kiss Count is now 4.) She heads back to the couch where her sister and Joey are sitting, and then Allison breaks the news: “Me and Lauren may or may not be sisters.” The Bachelor, bless him, says he “kinda put that together” given the women’s similar backgrounds. The poor guy handles the whole situation very gracefully, though he has every right to be pissed at producers.

Okay, remember how Lea told Joey that she was going to wait for him to open the envelope? Cut to:

The note informs Lea that she now has “the power to steal a one-on-one date from someone else at any time before hometowns.” Damn, that is harsh. Say it with me, rose lovers: The Devil works hard, but Bachelor producers work harder. Lea immediately realizes how hurtful it would be to someone else if she uses the card, and the thought makes her emotional. “I want to feel excited. A one-on-one date is so important,” she says, tearing up. “But, like, it’s going to have to come at the expense of someone else. And like, all of the girls in there are so wonderful.”  

Lea is still a little teary when she sits down with Joey. She gives him the card to read, and then explains why it makes her uncomfortable. “I want to give a lot of autonomy to you and your journey,” says Lea. “I also want to give a lot of love and respect to the women that have put their lives on hold to come here.” The idea of interfering with Joey’s “journey” is just too much for her to bear, and she begins to cry again. The Bachelor appreciates how thoughtful Lea is being about the situation, and he says her reaction “speaks a lot about your character.” And he’s right!

After her chat with Joey, Lea goes inside to break the news to the other women. (And yes, she cries again.) The women are super annoyed-slash-bummed, and Lea seems truly burdened by this awesome new power. But then, a miracle happens!

Yep, Lea tossed that demon card into the fire! “I just want to do what feels right in my heart,” she says. The women applaud, though no doubt many of them would have used it if given the chance. (“Somebody jumpin’ in that fire, though!” jokes Kelsey T.)

With that bullet dodged, everyone turns their attention to the First Impression Rose. Will it go to Lexi, the brunette bombshell who loves golf (kiss number 5)? Or Maria, the horror-movie-loving Canadian who Joey kissed even though she’s never seen his favorite movie, Remember the Titans (NOW STREAMING ON DISNEY+ IN CASE YOU WEREN’T AWARE)?

Survey says…

Awww, would you look at that! “Your interpretation and thoughts [about] the card spoke a lot to me, just about your character and who you are,” says Joey, before offering her the First Impression Rose (and the 7th kiss of the night).

Tink! Tink! Tink! Jesse Palmer is here with his Butter Knife of Bad News. The cocktail party is over, and it’s time for the first rose ceremony of the season. Evalin, the nanny from Texas, never got a chance to talk to Joey, and she’s been crying since Lea got the First Impression Rose. “It’s just disappointing,” she says, wiping away her tears. “I didn’t even realize I cared that much.” (Girl, this isn’t about Joey. You’re just exhausted! You just pulled an all-nighter in heels, for Pete’s sake!)

The sun is up, so let us greet the dawn with this rose ceremony roll call: Allison gets the first rose, and her big sister Lauren is totally chill about it.

She’s followed by Daisy, Kelsey T., Lexi, Jess, Jenn, Autumn, Chrissa, Edwina, Kelsey A., Katelyn, Rachel, Erika, Madina, Sydney, Starr, Marlena, Maria, Taylor, Evalin, and Lauren, all of whom join Lea in the Circle of Safety™. (Not producers telling Joey to call one sister’s name first and the other one’s last! Such evil geniuses.)

And so, we say goodbye to Chandler, Kayla, Kyra, Lanie, Nat, Sam, Samantha, Sandra, Talyah, and Zoe. (No one make a crying meme of Sandra, okay? The woman’s been through enough.)

Welp, we made it through week one, rose lovers! Who are your early favorites? Anyone you actively dislike? (*Cough* Jess *Cough*) And did you hate the banana bit as much as I did? Let me know your thoughts on X @KristenGBaldwin.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

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