You're The Worst recap: 'Crevasses'

Another week, another episode of horrible people doing horrible things. But wait, this week You’re The Worst seems to be showing us the tame sides of our lovable losers. Instead of throwing back synthetic German horse tranquilizers and hoarding sperm in freezers, Gretchen, Jimmy, Edgar, and Lindsay are getting, dare we say, soft?!

Though the antics in episode 2, “Crevasses,” aren’t as shocking, these guys are still garbage people compared to folks who admit they have hearts and souls and things like that. Thus begins this week’s Worstie rankings.

4. Nope, not the worst. Far from it! In fact… least worst: Gretchen

Yes, we too are shocked by this development. Could Gretchen Cutler, the woman who burned down her apartment with a vibrator, be the “best” person on this show?! In season 2 episode 2, she sure is.

Gretchen and Jimmy are still figuring out how exactly to live together, and after they realize Gretchen really doesn’t have any stuff — just three garbage bags full of non-trash sitting in a corner Jimmy deems “Gretchen’s corner” — they decide it’s time for a trip to the mall. After a mall montage (yes, a mall montage!) of making out on carousels, scooter racing, and free samples, she heads to the “stuff” store to become a real adult woman.

But she can’t do it. Instead she freaks out at a saleswoman who gives her a checklist for college freshmen. Hair dryer? Check! Shower shoes? Check! Even then, though, she can’t bring herself to buy everything once she gets to the checkout counter and is asked if she needs storage. Realizing she’s living in the “crevasses” of Jimmy’s home, Gretchen is just like, NOPE.

“I don’t want to live around you, Jimmy,” she says when confronting him. “I don’t want to live in the crevasses. I’m not moss!” She ends up with a nightstand (more on that soon) and a poster of the coolest Kool Kat. (See? Gretchen really is the best this time around.)

3. Eh, not great, but could be worse: Edgar

Edgar, ye of little agency! Poor Edgar is tossed around like a wet rag all episode and his adoration for Lindsay has taken over his PTSD-addled brain, turning him into a pie-making, photo-shooting, lame-o wingman.

Lindsay convinces Edgar to ditch his weekend ritual of setting up a Bloody Mary bar for Gretchen and Jimmy, and instead go shopping for “football costumes” so she can go to the bar and hook up with some bros.

But once at the bar Edgar finally realizes that Lindsay’s using him (duh!). When she asks him to hit on a dude for her — “My friend over there with the sauce on her face wanted me to come talk to you” — he’s schooled, hard. Instead he flirts with a waitress and makes Lindsay jealous.

Later, though he’s summoned to Lindsay’s house to take sexy photos of her for her new online dating profile. Not a great look for sad, desperate Edgar.

2. Oof. It gets worse: Jimmy

Jimmy, no. He starts off the episode mooching drinks and chastising his agent for not hooking him up with any decent gigs. Sorry dude, but adapting a screenplay doesn’t sound too bad. He also name drops Chuck Klosterman, who apparently sent him a bottle of scotch for writing about having sex with a magazine writer.

Later, he suggests Gretchen get her own “stuff” but won’t help her shop for it or make real room for her. “Go buy your crap. I have to work now,” he tells her at the mall. He then tries to soul search for inspiration for his second novel, can only come up with Nazi war criminal characters, and then tricks a security guard into quitting his job by accident. Oops.

Jimmy tries to redeem himself a bit in the closing scene — he builds Gretchen a nightstand! But, uh it’s busted and crooked. Come on, Jimmy. A nightstand? Give her a velvet-lined armoire with gold-encrusted hooks or something. We’ve got all the love for Gretchen this episode, making Jimmy just about the worst.

1. Absolute, hands-down, no-questions-asked worst: Lindsay

Until we get to Lindsay, who, dear lord, is just terrible in every fabulous way in “Crevasses.” Early in the episode she admits she’s learned Edgar will do things for her, and she totally takes advantage of that, which, respect.

Later at the bar, she goes to chicken wing heaven and is sad about the lack of attention from Edgar. She also somehow manages to give Gretchen real talk advice while being materialistic as ever. “Get your s— up in those crevasses,” she says, encouraging Gretchen to get a bunch of stuff and actually make a home at Jimmy’s. “Besides, stuff is the best. You can never get lonely with stuff, and there are so many examples of stuff: ice cube trays shaped like high heels, towels, smaller towels for your butt, chairs, which I guess are also for your butt…” Classic Lindsay.

Her worst behavior comes at the end of the ep when asking Edgar to take sexy photos of her. She knows he’s thirsty as hell! She knows she still has buffalo sauce all over her face! Mean! But, well played Lindsay. You’re still the worst.