Top Chef recap: A Nice Family Meal

Tracing ancestral lines seems like one of those activities that’s more fun to do than it is to watch others doing. Like sleeping. Or eating food on a competition show. But last night, the chefs confronted their family histories, and it was good television! Even…moving. Let us investigate.

After sweeping their eyes around One Brooklyn Place and dropping mysterious comments about what was “going on,” Antonia and Tiffany guessed Padma would be stopping by. Clearly Padma requires things. Power outlets, servants, coconut milk, whatever it was, the chefs smelled her entrance from a mile away. Suddenly there she was, in a “casual” outfit. She directed the chefs to the roof. Antonia thought this meant they’d be asked to base-jump to the ground while cooking eggs. But it was actually so Padma could point to Ellis Island, the place you go when you want to confront your family history.

The chefs boarded a ferry and found an ANTM-style directive card inside. Tiffany read it aloud in her extremely soft voice. It was the Quickfire Challenge: make a dish using ingredients scavenged from the ferry’s snack bar, with the ferry’s foghorn as the start and stop whistle. This led to a long waiting scene in which the chefs stood forlornly at the counter repeating the line “When is this horn gonna blow?” It wasn’t as thrilling a scene as someone at Bravo probably thought it’d be. But then, the remaining chefs are all so broken-down and familiar by now, why not watch them idle at a snack counter? We’re all friends here, right? No need for drama.

Eventually the horn sounded. Because of the ferry’s particular constraints, Blais didn’t have liquid nitrogen. But he did have a supply of magic bags that soldiers use to heat water to a boil. “I’ve had them in my kit just waiting to unveil them,” he said. He unveiled them and no one seemed that impressed. They continued doing unmagical things. Carla dropped rosemary into a juice bottle, Antonia grilled apple and cheese between raisin bread, Tiffany stirred dried fruit into a bowl of popcorn. They were like the Swiss Family Robinson except with gas-station food.

As the ferry docked, Padma entered with Chef Dan Barber. Carla pondered Chef Barber’s fondness for local ingredients, seeing as they’d all made plates of corn syrup. But Barber was game. He was there to judge them, not to judge them.

Blais revealed his “take on banh mi,” a hot dog and beef jerky sandwich with jalapeño, pork rinds, lettuce, and apple that didn’t look or sound anything like banh mi. He mentioned the magic bags, and again, no one seemed impressed. Mike made a disparaging comment about Tiffany’s nachos even though he was the least equipped to say anything bad about anyone. He had made something called bread soup. This was the exact description: “BREAD SOUP WITH CHEDDAR CHEESE, SOUR CREAM, GREEN CHILI, AND PORK RINDS.” If you ever catch yourself saying, “Hopefully if I keep mashing it, it’ll emulsify,” and the “it” you’re talking about is a hot dog bun and what you’re mashing “it” into is a soup, just please STOP and reevaluate all of your choices, one by one. The judges liked it the least out of everything in the world.

NEXT: Even villains have mothers

Tiffany’s nachos with cheese, lettuce, tomato, jalapeño, banana peppers, and sour cream (a.k.a. nachos) scored just a hair above Mike’s vomit bowl and below Antonia’s grilled cheese and Blais’ banh mi dog. That left Carla’s orange and papaya salad with carrot and rosemary juice on top, where it definitely belonged.

All that was left was the Elimination Challenge! The chefs received books detailing their individual ancestry, put together by “one of the best genealogists in the country.” Each chef had to create a dish inspired by their family’s history, using their book and the help of a secret crack team…of family members!

This is when I learned what on TV can make me cry, aside from the Olympics and sometimes Wife Swap: Exhibit A) Blais and his pregnant wife, a joint sign that a new life will soon enter this amazing world full of things like magic bags. B) Tiffany whispering “God is good” into her mother’s shoulder. C) Carla with her Match.com husband, who laughs at all her jokes. D) Antonia with her mom instead of a husband, because Antonia is strong enough to succeed on her own. E) And here’s the real lesson: Mike with his mom. Even Bravo villains, it turns out, have moms.

Mike and his mom pored over his book and learned he’s a full Italian. This was not shocking at all, but his mom, God bless her, thought he looked Irish. He was like, No, mom, come on, I obviously look Italian, and she was like, No, you look Irish like your father! She clearly wanted to believe the delusion badly, but Mike was not going to let her. Then he had a delusion of his own with Antonia, about being cousins. It all started when Antonia said, “Mike, we may be related.” That turned into “Wow, this makes so much sense, because I find Mike annoying, and even though he is annoying, I will ignore that reason and say it’s because he’s obviously my cousin.” By the end they seemed to want to be first cousins and get married, which is legally tricky. Unless of course you’re not actually cousins at all, like them. I hope they get married.

Back at OBP, the gang found a key to a Toyota. This is apparently the kind of domestic discovery that happens when you’re on a Bravo reality show. I find dried food in my couch. Carla suffered over her decision to claim the front seat in the Toyota, because it meant she had to crane her neck to see Padma in one of her forms: as a robot on a TV screen. “All this Toyota will be yours someday,” Padma told the future winner.

NEXT: Stop, or my mom will shoot! (…you an angry glare)

As the chefs prepared their dishes, the crowd assembled. Mike’s mom said he started cooking when he was 3 years old. His cousin Antonia didn’t start until she was 10! Looks like we know who comes from the superior side of that family. Wife of Blais was exactly as wife of Blais should be. According to Blais, her athletic background makes her competitive. When Tom called Blais’ dish “alright,” she shot a look that coincided precisely with a musical BOOM. “I mean, not alright. It’s ALL RIGHT,” went Tom.

After that, things went back to going swell. When someone complimented a chef they hadn’t birthed or slept with, the person at the table who’d done one of the two smiled into their fork. Everyone loved everyone, and Antonia’s mom asked if they couldn’t all just make it through.

The judges called all five into the judgment party bus. Everyone’s dish was praised as “soulful.” Gail enthused over Carla’s cheddar biscuits, freeze-dried-fried grits, and broth. But had anyone except Blais used something called glasswort? No, obviously not. Blais’ short ribs, potatoes, fried bone marrow, corn puree, and pickled glass-effing-wort fit the story he was telling, according to Tom. That story involved a chemist and a “meat maker,” btw. Padma said something silly about Blais not using enough green stuff for her, but no one paid attention. The judges said Mike did his late grandmother proud with her recipe – potato gnocchi with braised pork, shank ragu, and burrata cheese – which he’d been scared to attempt since her death. He cried a little and I cried a little, and then I cursed Bravo for being so good.

Tiffany’s braised short rib with mustard greens, stewed okra, and oxtail marmalade won everyone over, despite Tom’s noted distaste for okra. He made a confusing remark about it being her “Coco Chanel” moment, with too many accessories, but it was sort of like Padma’s “green” comment, in that no one cared. This was the first time it seemed like Tiffany deserved to be in the competition.

In the end, Antonia’s braised veal, rapini leaf, and fava bean risotto took the win. It looked beautiful, and the judges said it was basically a perfect plate of food. Also – it’s about time Antonia actually won. The next person to get an okay was Mike. Tom – regular Tom – said his name: “Mike.” Then robot Tom kicked in and said, “You’re safe and you’ll be competing in the Bahamas as well bleep bloop.” (Why does that happen, that dubbing? What did they originally say that is so terrible?) Blais, Carla, and Tiffany did not care about such questions. They thought they were going home. After some cruel fakeouts, the judges made a startling revelation: What was essentially a therapy session wrapped in a cooking show would not end in anyone going home. All five will travel to the Bahamas! It’s not just a holiday destination for Fabio and Blais anymore! I’d prefer it if only four chefs were going, but I guess five is okay! Oh, wait, Mike said that, not me. He’s clearly still a villain.

So what’s the verdict? Did the judges cop out by sending them all to the final chopping block? Or is it better this way, delaying the pain? And which chef will fare best in the Bahamas, where they’ll apparently be tested on how well they snorkel?