Survivor recap: Love is a Many Splendored Thing

I’m a horrible person. Seriously, if you can go to Hell for things you write in a TV Watch, than you may as well book my one-way fare right now. A partial list of sins: I once made fun of someone (Katie from Palau) for being the only Survivor contestant to actually gain weight while stranded on an island. I was yelled at by both Parvati Shallow and hotshot director Peter Berg last spring for writing that I was surprised Micronesian natives had to teach her how to catch crabs and not the other way around. And just a few weeks ago I mocked a 58-year-old physics teacher for sounding like his testicles had been chopped off upon receiving a letter from his wife back home. Not only that, but I’m the one guy who always hates the Survivor loved ones visit every season. How can you hate loved ones, you ask? I don’t know — BUT I DO! I’m not proud of these things: It’s just how I watch television. I’ve been making fun of stupid crap I see on TV ever since What’s Happening‘s Rerun got caught trying to bootleg the Doobie Brothers concert with a tape recorder roughly the size of Texas. (And to think, he and the gang then later got nabbed for scalping Stevie Wonder tickets. Will those knuckleheads ever learn?!?)

But I’m going to surprise you right now. There are so many ways to make fun of Matty for his dock-set marriage proposal to girlfriend Jamie: the repetitive stammering, the struggles to fasten his homemade necklace around her neck, the belated drop to a knee. But I’m not going to do it. And right now I feel a bit like the Fonz, who never was able to say the words “I’m sorry” but I was genuinely m-m-moooooo-moooo…mooooooved by the whole thing. And here’s why.

This wasn’t some calculated, attention-grabbing stunt à la Boston Rob at the All-Stars finale or that clown Mike Boogie at the Big Brother 2 send-off. This was genuine emotional overload — in a good way. I’m buying what Matty was selling here. I spoke with him before the game, and all the guy could talk about was his girlfriend and his dog. We saw that new scene from last week’s recap show — at least losers like me who bother to watch recaps shows did — where Matty awkwardly forced his whole tribe to sing Jamie “Happy Birthday.” This is a dude who has never traveled anywhere in his entire life — not even away for the weekend. His girl and his dog are his life. Now, we all know that being stranded out in the middle of nowhere with little food, sleep, or shelter while also trying to outwit a bunch of strangers who drive you nuts leads to hardcore emotional amplification (Sugar would be Exhibit A for this). So it is entirely possible that Matty’s emotions got the best of him and he got a bit carried away, but it was also refreshingly real and not some calculated publicity move. Good for you, Matty. I wish you two (three, if you include the mutt) luck. I really do. Now stop turning me into such a softie!

NEXT: Sugar’s other nemesis

I may be getting soft, but you know who’s getting hard? Bob! You wouldn’t like the physics teacher when he’s angry! Actually, that not really true — it’s hard not to dig the wacky professor. But he was not happy with Sugar for laughing out loud at Randy at the last Tribal Council. “Don’t laugh like that. That pisses me off,” he informed her after T.C. “I didn’t mind doing the thing,” he continued. “But then to just belittle him as he was going off, just pisses me off.” So let me see if I have this straight: You didn’t mind belittling him by lying to his face and setting him up to look like an idiot at Tribal Council by giving him a fake idol for no reason whatsoever. But then when someone laughs as a result — and make no mistake, the whole thing was orchestrated just to make that one person laugh — well, then, that’s crossing the line somehow? The logic there escapes me.

After that, Randy and Sugar started going at it again…wait, what’s that? Right, Randy’s not there anymore. Sorry, old habits die hard. Time to turn to his understudy. Ladies and gentlemen, playing the part of Randy tonight in his feud with Sugar will be Corinne. Please adjust your program accordingly. So Corinne and Sugar had it out, leading Corrine to proclaim that she was “in a camp of mutants.” If only. Mutant Survivor would totally be the best thing ever.

Then it was time for Kenny to catch a fish and take time out to remind us how unbelievably incredible he is. Duly noted, Ken. Now can we go to the reward challenge? This particular challenge consisted of two phases, the first of which was…RRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNG! Oh, excuse me, I think my new Samsung Instinct by Sprint is ringing. At least that sounds like my new Samsung Instinct by Sprint. Let me listen again just to make sure. RRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNG! Yes, that is definitely my new Samsung Instinct by Sprint. I recognize the sound just by the awesomeness of it. Let me just take this call real quick. “Hello. Dalton, here…. Oh, hey, Parvati…What’s that…? Look, I told you, the crab thing was a joke!…Of course I think you’re awesome….No, I’m not just saying that because I’m worried Peter Berg is going to beat me up. Look, thanks for calling me on my new Samsung Instinct by Sprint, but I have to go back to my column now….Okay, take care. Bye.”

Jeez, sorry about that. Man, was that reception crystal clear, though. Now, where were we? Right! The reward challenge. Teams were playing for video messages from their loved ones on some fancy technological device that miraculously happened to fall from the Gabonsese sky, the name of which escapes me. (Or were they?!?!?!?!?!?) They each got a little taste of the message, which led to lots of moving piano music and even more tears. There was also one slightly awkward moment when Probst boldly announced that he liked the cut of Matty’s girlfriend’s jib. (He was, however, merely following the lead of all the contestants who were practically salivating over her video.)

NEXT: It’s quite puzzling

Finally, it was challenge time — for everyone except Corinne who was left unpicked by both teams. (Hey, life’s a bitch and so is she!) The teams (Sugar, Crystal, and Bob Vs. Susie, Kenny, and Matty) had to trudge out through mud to bring back puzzle pieces that then needed to be assembled to raise a flag. The physical portion of the challenge was pretty entertaining to watch: Susie kept pulling Matty back with the rope like he was a dog on a leash (oooooh, kinky! I wonder how Jamie felt about that one.). And Sugar and Crystal were…well, Sugar and Crystal. Sugar could barely stand up and Crystal must be the worst conditioned Olympic athlete of all time, and yes, that includes any and all curlers (have you seen how hard they work that brush? Now that takes strength!).

Susie, Kenny, and Matty took the physical part, but Bob went buck wild on the puzzle, allowing his team to advance to round 2. Now, have you ever seen anything more unfair in your entire life than Bob taking on Sugar and Crystal in a sliding puzzle challenge? That’s like asking two random yahoos to beat me in a Milwaukee’s Best-chugging contest. Ain’t gonna happen. You could even tie both my hands behind my back and sew my mouth shut — doesn’t matter! I’m still gonna find a way to win. So Bob came out on top and sat down to enjoy his pizza, beer, and video message from home. True, the beer had a little too much head on it for my tastes but….Wait, what’s going on? Bob, watch out! There’s some weird jungle lady creeping up behind you! Bob! Stop looking at your damn Samsung Instinct by Sprint! I mean, I know it’s amazing and has all kinds of settings and features sure to dazzle from dusk to dawn, but good God, man, she’s right on top of you! Abort! Abort reward challenge reward! Get the hell out of there!

Ohhhhhh, it’s just your wife, Peggy. Sorry about that. I was confused because Probst said your loved ones weren’t there. Why that sneaky bastard! He sure pulled the wool over my eyes, goshdarnit. And what’s this? Now you’re bringing Peggy back to camp? And you also brought everyone else’s loved ones with you so there was really no point to winning the reward except for a few bites of cold pizza? Awesome!

The loved ones field trip sure was eventful, however. Not only did Matty score himself a fiancée, but Sugar spread some of her dead father’s ashes over the water (and, yes, her legs. I have to imagine washing parts of your dad off your legs must be a bit on the awkward side). The visit also afforded Kenny another opportunity to boast about how he “took out five powerhouses” to his sister. More modest every day, our Kenny.

After the loved ones said their goodbyes, Bob started plotting his next fake immunity idol move, concocting a story about how Marcus had actually pocketed the idol at the feast, hid it back at camp, and then Bob had retrieved it. A pretty smart move, although he could have saved himself the trouble of making a new idol if he hadn’t wasted his last one on Randy for no reason. To make his plan work, however, he or Corinne had to win immunity to secure another safety. The challenge consisted of answering some insanely easy trivia questions (although not to Susie, who thinks that poisonous snakes are not dangerous and that elephant’s mouths are in the middle of their trunks) and then throwing a ball at a target. Closest ball wins. And who should throw the closest ball but Bob, who celebrated the donning of the immunity necklace with a truly unfortunate pelvic thrust. (Sorry, dude. Peggy already left.)

NEXT: Corinne’s parting shot

Now the question became, could Bob and Corinne fool Kenny and Crystal with their plan. The answer: yes and no. They bought the story about Bob finding the idol, but Kenny also smartly realized they should flush that (nonexistent) idol out of the game right then and there. I hesitate to credit Kenny’s game play too much here, only because he’s already been so busy crediting himself, this time going so far to refer to himself as “the biggest strategist in Survivor history.” Sloooooooow down there, Ken! No doubt about it, you’ve played a very good game, but biggest strategist ever? For manipulating people like Sugar and Susie? Uh, no. So while Kenny and Crystal thought they were just flushing the idol, they ended up sending Corinne home instead. Of course she wasn’t going to go quietly, using her parting words to deliver this parting shot to one of her tribemates: “I can’t stand Sugar. I’ll never be able to stand Sugar. And I plan to never exchange another sentence with that girl for the rest of my life.”

I called Corinne a bitch before, but I actually did that somewhat as a sign of affection. After all, the woman prides herself on being as bitchy as possible. The story she told me about hitting another girl with a tennis racquet pretty much sums her up. Believe it or not, we never really saw Corinne at her bitchiest in this game. They did finally air a few choice deleted scenes in last week’s recap special, and she and Sugar certainly had their moments last night, but this was a woman who was capable of more. So much more. I’m talking about some burn the camp down type of stuff. I also expected some more from her in terms of both strategy and challenges, but we didn’t see a whole lot in either department. Still, she made for good TV with her blind rage. She and Randy should go get married and have really angry babies somewhere.

Okay, I’m almost done, but two very cool nuggets of information that need to be shared before you start posting:

1) You must, must, must, go check out the weekly blog from our young intrepid EW.com correspondent Jeff Probst. Why? Because he’s offering a chance for you — yes, YOU — to go on location for the next season of Survivor. I kid you not. I’ve been lucky enough to do this a handful of times and it will blow your mind. Go check it out and see how you can live the dream, baby.

2) Don’t think we forgot about your exclusive Survivor deleted scene from last night’s episode. It’s sitting there below, just waiting to be clicked on. Who’s Crystal most worried about in her final 5 alliance? And what is she willing to do to get rid of that person? Watch it to find out, and stay tuned when it’s done to see the next clip, in which Corinne tells us the bitchiest thing she has ever done, and trust me, that is setting the bar pretty high (or is it low?). It’s truly shocking — even for her.

Okay, now it’s your turn. Did Matty’s proposal turn you soft like me? Does Kenny need to stop bragging? And has Susie said more than 12 words this entire season? Please feel free to use more than 12 words to craft your clever response. The store is now open for business. Post away!

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