Royal Pains recap: Home Sick

We’re 100 episodes down and just three more to go. That’s what’s left of Royal Pains, Hamptonites. The good news is that even though we’re starting to wind things up a bit — Raj has now gotten a job in Baltimore to support Divya’s commitment to awaiting an acceptance to Johns Hopkins, and Boris is being extra sneaky about potentially selling KGR and his future locale — there’s no shortage of hands-on activity with which the good doctor, Hank Lawson, can gross us out (and at the same time, educate us).

Here’s what HankMed’s finest got into this week (fair warning: each and every one of these involves bodily fluids of some kind, because Royal Pains just can’t resist):

No. 1: Talk about your surprise urinalysis…

Of course we can’t send off our Lawson boys without Eddie R. coming back into the fold to explain exactly why he jilted Ms. Newberg at the altar like that. Not that Evan’s interested in why he became a walkaway joe again, but Hank, for one, has decided to follow up on his dad’s well-being by hiring a private investigator to track him down.

Good thing he did, because it turns out Eddie Roth (that’s what the “R” stands for) just had heart surgery in New Jersey, and thanks to Hank’s ability to sweet-talk the nurse — and her extraordinarily loose regard for patient confidentiality — he’s got his medical records and his address.

It’s an address he knows very well, too, because it used to belong to them back when their mother was still alive. Eddie kept the house with the intention of passing it onto the boys, even though they ultimately didn’t need — or in Evan’s case, want — this inheritance. (Well, Hank could still use a place of his own. Just sayin’.)

Eddie’s heart surgery was simple enough — a transcatheter aortic valve replacement — but per usual, Hank’s timing couldn’t be better as he walks in to find his father sprawled out on the back deck, declaring that he’s “dying” from the stomach pain he’s having. Turns out his catheter from the surgery has given him prostatitis, a swollen prostate that’s about to make his bladder erupt and subject all of his internal organs to waste-based infection. Yech!

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Hank’s dealt with worse, of course, so he whips out his ultrasound and inserts a new catheter to let Eddie’s tensions literally drain away. Watch your shoes, Hank! We can tell Eddie’s spirits are lifted well enough by the sweet, yellow release, because he’s able to make a joke at his own expense: “It’s always been your brother that’s taken the piss out of me.” As Henry Winkler’s other famed TV counterpart — The Fonz — might say, “Ayyy.”

After his bladder is drained and he’s all set up with a round of antibiotics, Hank’s able to move Eddie from Passaic Hospital into his care in the Hamptons, so now the only real harm to his health is the massive eye-daggers he’ll have to battle if and when he runs into the other E.R. Lawson in the fam.

NEXT: That’s not how your mother and I did it…

No. 2: When two become one…

Part of the reason Ev wants zero to do with his old man is that he’s grown completely bored of his B.S. and excuses and his excuses for his B.S. In this case, he says he ran away from Ms. Newberg because he knew he had a heart glitch and didn’t want his kids to think badly of him for marrying her while under the weather, which explains the mystery woman from the premiere. In addition, he and Paige have their hands (and other body parts) full with the whole in-vitro fertilization process.

The latest? The Bond villain-esque doc of theirs has been able to retrieve 14 of Paige’s eggs, and even though Hamptons Heritage’s IVF nursing staff could use a tune-up on timeliness (i.e. being ready at their desks when a patient makes his contribution), Evan’s done his, er, part as well.

Now it’s time for mechanical implantation, and although it’s “antithetical” and “unsterile” to have visitors watch the sperm-meets-eggs (more like teeny sperm swims helplessly after egg takes a gashing from a giant device, based on the microscope imagery of the same), Evan’s able to pull the “Hey, I’m your actual boss” card and get them in to witness this strange 21st-century miracle of life.

Ultimately, only one of the seven embryos develops into a blastocyst, and even though two was the number they both zeroed in on as ideal, they’ve still got one little blastobaby to root for, so eep!

Now, about the promise Evan’s made to grandpa-to-be Eddie to never let the little one near him… That just won’t do, now will it? A father-son heart-to-heart is next on the cardiac procedure list, bet on that.

No. 3: Home sweet Hank…

401 Henry Drive was a good place for Hank and his broken-down Saab to land, and not just because the house is a dream — and Dr. Lawson could definitely lay down some roots in this DIY-lover’s paradise. The current owner of the home, Felicity, is in desperate need of Hank’s noggin because her current docs are using the process-of-elimination approach to treating her ailments, and it’s not working out too well (hence, why she’s needing to sell her house).

See, Felicity’s suffering from severe joint pain in her hips and knees — which, combined with her grandmother’s history of rheumatoid arthritis, has led her physicians to believe she’s inherited the RA factor from her granny. But as Hank points out, genetics aren’t always at play with that disease, and since she’s got a fever — which is not consistent with RA — along with swollen lymph nodes, fatigue, and one burner of a leg rash, he’s starting to suspect arsenic poisoning from her woodworking projects around the house. Her healing process from a failed marriage (albeit with a friendly divorce process so far) might just be what’s killing her, since wood used to be treated with arsenic.

But that’s not it, either. In fact, most of the symptoms she’s experiencing are at odds with one another. “It could be anything, except right now it’s nothing,” Divya says. Which reminds Hank of another “great imitator” of a disease: syphilis. Yes, syphilis.

Turns out her unhappy hubby had a wandering eye and brought home a little parting gift to his wife. Yikes. But hey, at least it’s just one pinch-burn-done shot and a few follow-ups. And she can keep her house, which means Hank’s back on the market…in more ways than one.