Mistresses recap: Love Is an Open Door

Annnnnd, we’re back. The name of this episode is “Love Is an Open Door” which is also a song from Frozen. If anyone can tell me what the connection is, I’ll be forever grateful.

We’re told it’s a week later and we’re treated to a sexy montage of thruppledom. There’s a shot of Karen sleeping between Vivian and Alec, and I gotta say that seems like the worst part of being in a threesome. Can you imagine an extra person being in bed? And you are in the middle? That means there is always someone breathing at you at all times and to that I say, no thank you.

Still, the show seems to go through a lot of effort to show how great and sexy all this threesome stuff is. There’s steamy showers! There’s breakfast with toast! This is all a little weird, but Karen seems to have her groove back. Except she forgets her phone at her married couple boyfriend/girlfriend’s house. No problem: She’s chatting with Father John when Vivian shows up with Karen’s phone and gives her a kiss. The priest is all, oh it’s like that is it? He bends practically in half to assure her that this church is, like, totally cool with gay people. You know, how churches usually are.

April is all worked up about her date with Blair—she is making lasagna and he’s not even Garfield—and Marc will be babysitting. April’s grades have improved but she’s now obsessed with her grandmother (nice exposition, show!) who was a circuit judge or something equally impressive. All that’s important is that we’re introducing a Grandmother Plot. Okay? When April drops Lucy off, headmaster hottie Blair tells April that she should take advantage of this new grandmother character as a positive influence. April is all meh, but HH really pushes the issue. They make cute about their date.

Calista and Joss are hungover, and Calista is freaking out about not being able to get out of her contract with Luca. These girls are both looking a little rough, which I appreciate. They also have very cute pajamas: I feel like Joss is more a tank top and underwear kind of girl, but what do I know. Calista thinks something is up beyond Luca just being a horrible monster. Joss is all: Let’s go back to the original plan in divorcing him and saving the empire. Calista, in turn, tries to bolster Joss’ spirits about Harry and the open-ended breakup.

Harry is also feeling pretty down in the dumps. His new buddy Marc shows up (with the absolutely most hilarious fake L.A. backdrop behind him) to see if he wants to go surfing. Marc gives him a bro pep talk and tells him he needs to come back to the restaurant because things are falling apart and the sous chef is using too much cumin. Harry agrees.

Calista is back to trying to catch Luca cheating, but he walks in and is all, stop wasting your time. He shocks her by telling her he wants a divorce: He’s in love with that awful model chick Eva, and he wants to marry her. Luca is an idiot. He blah blah blahs about Eva, who apparently is the secret artist behind the ugly accessories line. He also is like, good luck proving I’m a cheater—you got nothing! Calista unravels.

April and Joss chat about this whole new grandmother issue. Turns out, April kind of hates her mom, but it has not been revealed why. April is like well maybe I should give her a break but then gets distracted cause some hot guy is checking out Joss. It’s Brad! Who is, apparently, some dude Joss totally used to bone back in college. They quickly establish that they’re unmarried and good-looking. Brad tells her he’s in town for the week, and I think we’re all picking up what Brad is putting down.

Calista is still freaking out and refuses to look like a fool. She’s not sure how to make Luca’s line fail without screwing herself. Calista has a lightbulb moment and tells Joss to get a preview party together with lots of press.

At Wunderbar, gross Ellis (remember him?) asks Harry why he’s been out the last few days. Ugh, he’s annoying. Niko is all heeeeeeeey. She’s the worst, too! She tells Harry he should come out and “play” with the staff (yeeeech). Harry is weirded out. It’s like he still doesn’t know how hot he is, which is weird.

April talks to Marc about her whole grandmother problem: She is worried about Marc because her mom has a drinking problem. Marc is touched she thought of him, but points out that he works at a bar. Good point. April calls her mother an expertly functioning alcoholic: flawless in public but a mess at home. April tells a story of her misspent youth when she went out and painted this mural and, you guys, Marc totally knows that mural! Can you believe it?! In all seriousness, this scene actually establishes quite a lot. April’s parents are an ethics professor and a judge (which tracks) but they were also incredibly strict and her father apparently believed in the old spare the rod, spoil the child thing. There’s a poignant moment when Marc half smiles and says, “Dads and their belts,” in regards to beatings and that sort of says an awful lot, right? April’s mom was always drinking during all this. Marc advises her not to worry so much about what Blair thinks and to do what she feels, which is, as it turns out, NOT to have her mom come to visit. All in all, a very sweet scene between them. I guess I’m coming around on the Marc and April thing.

NEXT: Calista’s plan to screw Luca is revealed…

Luca tries to suss out what Calista is up to and Joss plays dumb. She tells Calista that the plan is falling into place—even though Calista won’t tell Joss what is actually happening. Brad calls during all this and Calista encourages Joss to bring her old bed buddy to the party.

Vivan and Karen tell Alec how Father John thinks they’re a couple. Karen is all, can’t we go out in public? Alec wants to stay in and keep their threesome love private. Karen bristles at the implication that they hide while Vivian tries to play peace-keeper. “We’re going to be happy, damn it!” Oh yeah, that always works.

Headmaster Blair shows up for dinner. April looks super hot and not at all the way I do after cooking lasagna. She brings up her mom right away: She tells Blair that she doesn’t get along with her mother, but that she didn’t want him to think she wasn’t taking his advice. He sort of takes that well, but then he can’t keep his mouth shut and tells her that she’s teaching Lucy that a bond between mother and daughter can be broken. Thanks a lot, Blair.

Marc is walking the kids somewhere in Bad Neighborhood, L.A. He’s trying to take them to April’s mural, but they’re basically walking in that scene where Bruce Wayne’s parents are murdered. Luckily he finds a strip club to pee in. Oh, Marc.

At Calista’s party it’s all flashbulbs and pretty dresses. Joss still wants to know what the hell is going on. Eva is there. Luca smarms around. Brad is also hanging around and Calista takes a picture of him and Joss together. And then she puts it on Instagram! Oh, Calista: no. You can’t do that!

And here is why. Harry is trying to skip the staff party when awful monster Niko makes him take a selfie (ugh) and then he just so happens to see the picture posted of Joss and Brad. That does it. With a little nudge from Niko he’s ready to party and he’s ready to start with some shots. Ruh roh.

Next up: the thrupple goes to a threesome party! Let’s take a moment to pause and reflect on the wonderful times that we are living in. Karen mingles and learns some terminology like “primary” and “hinge” and “focal point.” Some very friendly lady chats her up and gives her the low-down: be careful. Your heart is at risk when you’re the third. Karen is all, who says I’m the third and then looks over to see Alec and Vivian cuddling on the couch. Yeah, you’re the third.

April is serving key lime pie and gelato, and Blair is all, let’s skip that and just make out. April is into it. Very into it. But wouldn’t you know: The phone interrupts them and it’s not good news. Marc got himself arrested! With the kids!

Marc is all, but I didn’t know it was a strip club and his intentions were good, etc etc. April isn’t having it. Blair throws some fairly obnoxious you-aren’t-a-parent shade. As a childless person, I’m offended on Marc’s behalf.

Over at the Wunderbar, Harry is playing guitar and singing! Did we know magical Harry could do this? Harry has the voice of an angel! Oh no, evil Niko is making bedroom eyes at him. Ugh, I dislike Niko so much.

Joss and Brad, meanwhile are about to get the party started in a coat closet when Joss uncharacteristically stops the proceeding. She can’t do it. She loves someone else. Oh, our little Joss is growing up! Meanwhile, Luca is making a toast and he is the worst. Calista strides out and takes the microphone. And this is AWESOME. Calista does this whole heartfelt thing about how sorry she was to discover they were using a factory with underage children. Haha. Good for Calista. Luca looks like he’s going to barf. Especially when Calista says that the accessories line is on hold till they find a new factory but that all proceeds will then go to a foundation. Eva stomps off in a huff. Nicely done, Calista!

Eesh, Karen is in the middle of the bed again. Gross. She starts to try and sneak out even though Alec and Vivian try to convince her to hang out, first at breakfast but then later at dinner. Vivian is immediately like: What’s up? Karen has the what-the-hell-are-we-doing talk. She has deep feelings for them but when it falls apart she’ll be the one on the outs. Alec and Vivan respond by giving her a key to the house. So, problem solved?

More breakfast talk! April and Marc end up in the kitchen together. She thinks it was sweet he was trying to show Lucy her mural, but Marc is still feeling wounded from Blair brushing him off. Ding-dong! It’s April’s mom. Marc gives her a look like, oh, you caved. April shrugs it off as it being the right thing to do.

Joss congratulates Calista, who is not feeling triumphant even though she was totally successful. Joss tells her that she sent Brad away. Her heart still belongs to Harry and if you really love someone you just can’t be with anyone else…

Except! EXCEPT! AUGHGHGHGH HARRY SLEPT WITH NIKO. He is slightly horrified to discover her in his bed. She’s all, relax this was a one time thing cause she has a boyfriend. And, oh boy, that boyfriend is Ellis. Oh Harry, you just got screwed twice in 12 hours!