''The Hills'' recap: Girls' night outrage

”The Hills” recap: Girls’ night outrage

Pop quiz! On last night’s episode of The Hills, when Heidi said, ”I had like the worst night of my life last night,” to what was she referring?

(a) Her car broke down on an empty road just as her cell-phone battery died;

(b) She found out her favorite grandmother had passed away;

(c) She got food poisoning from some bad sushi and ended up in the emergency room at 4:30 a.m.; or

(d) She caught Spencer talking to girls just before taking a shot with them.

If you answered ”D,” then give yourself a pat on the back — you’re a winner! If you answered anything other than ”D,” then shame on you — how dare you think that the ”worst night of her life” would revolve around anything actually weighty or traumatic. You should know better by now.

So here’s the lowdown on this terrible night. Heidi, in her cheeriest ”I really need a girls’ night!” voice, persuaded Audrina to come out to this season’s Les Deux, S Bar. (Yeah, so guess the friendship’s back on. That didn’t take too long.) Of course, She-Pratt was coming along for the outing, but not before telling her deadbeat brother where she was going and who she was going with. This news drove Beavis to shave, grab his random pal Kevin, and head to S Bar too. What happened next was exactly what happens at eighth-grade dances: Neither boy nor girl wants to be the first to say hi. Instead, both stubbornly retreat to their respective corners in hopes of maintaining some kind of power over the other. In this situation, Spencer’s corner included two females with whom he harmlessly took a shot (or, um, sipped a shot. Yeah, about that: What kind of guy — or girl over the age of 22, for that matter — actually sips shots?). Heidi’s corner also included a few new personalities, better known as Miss Resentful (”Like, you come here on my girls’ night and start flirting with a group of girls”), Miss Angry (”I want to smash his face in”), and Miss Dramatic (”What if I weren’t here? Like, what would you be doing?”). Still, none of Heidi’s friends seemed uncomfortable, because pretty much all of them, including wallflower Audrina (”That’s how I am too,” she admitted in the heat of the moment), agreed with her rage toward Spencer.

Setting aside the fact that I can’t for one split second actually picture impassive Audrina ever going off on any guy the way Heidi did to Spencer last night, how could any of those girls (specifically Stephanie, who knew very well why Spencer came to the club) let Heidi continue to gripe about something so inane? Probably because they’re just as over it as we are, right? Speidi’s pseudo-fights have gotten so ridiculous that I now find myself conjuring up scenarios of tiffs I’d much rather see them have. Like, ”Ugh, Spencer, I told you not to wear the color blue! God, you make me so mad.” Or, ”Heidi, did you seriously just call my mom and tell her I really do like peas? You selfish bitch!” (See how fun that is? Now you try.)

Moral of the Speidi story last night: Somehow, Heidi did something I didn’t think was humanly possible. She painted Spencer in a — wait for it — good light! [Insert ”hallelujah” chorus here.] When she was yelling at him at S Bar and later in his car, he practically looked like a stand-up guy, instead of your average douchebag. ”I wanted space…. I didn’t want you, like, hooking up with other girls,” she insisted of their relationship vacation. ”I didn’t hook up with anybody!” he exclaimed. ”I was there with my friends and you embarrassed me in front of everybody,” she said, and he replied, ”I embarrassed you? For standing in a bar?… Bottom line is you’re delusional if you think I was flirting with those girls. How long is relationship vacation? Am I supposed to not go to bars and not talk to people? Like, how many months?” (Seriously, is anyone else waiting for the moment somewhere down the line when Spencer will inevitably yell, ”WE WERE ON A BREAK!”?)

It really does pain me to side with Beavis, but on this one, I can’t help it. There’s nothing more annoying than an overly possessive significant other, and why shouldn’t he be allowed to talk to members of the opposite sex? It’s not like he was sticking his slimy tongue down another girl’s throat or anything. Plus, in the words of Lauren, ”Why wouldn’t she just go up and say hi? Wasn’t the guy, like, her fiancé?”

NEXT: Lauren’s new opportunity

Speaking of Lauren, she had plenty more to say on the subject of Heidi and Spencer to Audrina the next morning. When Audrina was busy explaining to Lauren what went down, Lauren interjected, ”The thing is — and this is just me being me — it would not surprise me if Heidi or Spencer tried very, very hard to become friends with you because they really don’t like the fact that I get along with Stephanie.” While that statement may have some truth behind it, it was a very self-absorbed and unnecessary comment for her to make. We’ve always known Lauren’s feelings about Spencer (and in case you didn’t, her quip last night in regards to girls being all over him definitely confirmed them: ”He probably pays them. No girl would willingly touch that scum”). But since when did she become so astringent toward her own friends?

Maybe it’s because she’s now working for someone (a.k.a. Kelly Cutrone) with a similar disposition? And yes, I did say ”working,” as in she now has a job alongside Whitney at People’s Revolution. Okay, people, so we saw this one coming from a mile away, but the way in which it happened is just downright nonsensical. Whitney and Lauren (who, as you’ll remember from last week, was asked to come ”help out”) started off the episode helping to organize last-minute details for the upcoming L.A. Fashion Week. Whitney offered the newbie some wisdom — ”It’s so crazy to see how much goes into it, you know, you think that you just slap on the outfit and throw them out there and it’s so not like that” — while Lauren reveled in this magical new world. ”This is like a dream job, I’m so stoked for you,” she gushed. ”It’d be so cool to work here with you.” Let me remind you that Miss Conrad’s ”dream job” isn’t so much a ”dream” as it is a ”reality”: She did show her collection at the very same Fashion Week.

Eventually, it was time for the blond duo to put their knowledge to work backstage at the show for Whitley Kros (which, fun fact, is a label designed by actor Giovanni Ribisi’s sister, Marissa, who is married to singer Beck). And thanks to Kelly’s last-minute, priceless piece of advice — mostly involving shoving the models like a ”sheep-herding dog” — the runway went off without a hitch. Then, what felt like seconds after the fashion show ended, Kelly congratulated the girls on a job well done. For Whitney it was ”You’ve gone up the ladder to, like, bitch-in-training.” (”Oh God, my mom would be so proud,” Whitney laughed in return, while the rest of us at home cringed.) For Lauren, it was ”You’ve gone from, like, slow-mo to, like, fashion glow.” (Let’s all bow our heads for a moment here just to thank our lucky stars that Kelly Cutrone didn’t go into any field involving writing or rhyming.) Following the praise, Kelly miraculously offered Lauren a position on staff, further cementing the hopes of budding fashionistas everywhere that it really is that easy to break into the biz. First of all, who offers jobs directly following a big event like that when everyone is sweaty and high-strung? Second, isn’t there such a thing as a ”résumé” involved anywhere in here? Guess not when your name’s Lauren Conrad.

Before I bid you fellow Hills watchers adieu, I want to pick your brain. Tell me: How hard did you laugh at the alarmed look on PR publicist Jessica’s face after Kelly offered Lauren a gig at the company? How incredibly scripted did Heidi sound when she said, ”How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time”? Were you, gulp, siding with Spencer last night like I was? Finally, what are your thoughts on the return of Justin Bobby: Is he a welcome catalyst to a so far ho-hum season? Or is he a person you wish you could banish to Washed-Up Reality Star Island?