'The Hills' recap: Break up to make up

‘The Hills’ recap: Break up to make up

Did I call it or what? Of course Brody Jenner and Mr. Private Plane didn’t go to jail, which was a little disappointing. I was kind of hoping Brody “Tough Love” Jenner might actually get some tough love of his own in the slammer. I have to admit though, I found this entire episode to be a bit of a letdown. Sunday’s episode was like one big tease. It got us all excited for a wrap-up last night but failed to deliver. Sad.

Did we actually think the Hills producers would allow a Jenner to get arrested? This isn’t The Real World folks. Turns out the Rich Twins were in a casino jail, of their own free will, pressing charges on some poor drunk dude. Was it worth ruining their night in Vegas? According to Brody, it was: “If you would have seen how obnoxious this guy was.” Yeah, spending five hours pressing charges sounds a lot more fun than say, strippers! Hate to break it to you, Brodster, but you chose wrong.

Meanwhile, this little wrap-up to the Vegas jaunt was just another plot to get us salivating for the impending Lauren and Audrina “talk.” In awkward confrontation No. 1, Audrina (who actually did look a little worse for wear after her Vegas night) approached Lauren and said, “Lauren, we need to talk. I know it’s not the right time, but…” Awwwk-ward. Lauren’s response: “I’ll see you at home. Get home safe.” Yeah, because poor Drins was flying commercial, while Lauren was on a private jet!

I have to admit, though, I kind of feel bad for these girls, who are trying to hold on to a friendship that was forced on them to begin with, especially since no one seems to want them to be friends. We all know Lo can’t wait to have Audrina out of the picture, Brody is ready to give her the ax as well, and Justin Bobby just wants Audrina to be happy or whatever. Ahhh, Justin. How could you not love a guy whose deepest words throughout his entire Hills existence have been “Why spend any second of your life to have that unsettley, ulcery feeling for nothing?” I’m right there with you, J.B. God, he’s sexy when he speaks from the heart.

Anyway, things weren’t looking good for Lauren and Audrina; I was sure they were going pull the plug. It even seemed like Lauren was ready to accept losing yet another friend, telling Lo, “I know what the answer is. I just don’t want it to play out that way.” Ah, poor little Lo. We only see her when she’s telling Lauren to drop Audrina. I know she must have other stuff going on in her life; unfortunately, it seems it’s been deemed not good enough for TV.

Even Whitney got involved, in her neutral-Nellie kind of way. Does anyone else think that her sole purpose on the show is to give Lauren an excuse to recap the week’s events? I’m sure it’s been said before, but I just can’t get over how forced and painful these little therapy sessions are. Whitney will ask, “So what’s going on?” and Lauren will vacantly recount her latest drama. Whitney doesn’t even try to act like she cares anymore; she just works her bored psychoanalyst role (and waits patiently for her spinoff). Well, at least she got to play stylist last night….What I really wanted was a little more Kelly, though! Kelly, I just know we could be best friends if we ever met.

NEXT: Mending fences

Okay, I digress. On to the climax: the Lauren and Audrina “talk.” The buildup for this discussion (between two people who could be considered mute in some cultures) was so intense that I found myself getting nervous for them. I really thought they were going to let it rip — maybe a little hair pulling, scratching, at the very least some name-calling. Instead, we got a lot of dark tears, some cell-phone-tag blame game, and confirmation that Lauren is as boring as she seems when Audrina half yelled, “You don’t like to do anything I do!” That’s because she really doesn’t do much, Drins, and it’s not your fault. I thought Audrina was finished. She was ready to run into Justin Bobby’s arms and embrace her inner rock star, but instead she got sucked back into Lauren-land — and it really didn’t take much. Just one last sad plea from Lauren to be her friend again and she folded: “Okay, well, let’s do it.” Cut to a messy, mascara-streaked hug, and it’s over. Thank goodness! Now can we please focus on something more interesting, like psycho Stephanie or Justin Bobby? Hell, I’ll even watch more of Holly Montag if it means a little Joe Francis action.

Speaking of Holly, back in Speidi-land, in the tangled web that Spencer so blatantly wove, the roommate drama was kicking. I mean, really, how could Spencer be expected to live with Heidi’s sister for an entire 48 hours? He had no choice but to throw her out….He really is the Devil incarnate, and I will henceforth refer to him as such. When we first entered the Speidi subplot, Devil Incarnate (DI for short) walked in to see jolly Holly painting her toes and doing “girlie things” on his couch and graciously greeted her with “Oh, what a surprise. Look who’s in my office.” I wish he had been joking by calling his couch and TiVo his office, but sadly we all know he wasn’t. Then DI flat out fibbed and told Holly that Heidi wanted her out. Holly responded in disbelief, “Heidi wants me to move out? You’re telling me that straight up.” DI’s answer: “Heidi and I want you to move out.” After that Holly no longer looked so jolly, almost cried, and said, “Fine, I’m out right now,” and stormed out of Spencer’s office and right out the front door.

When Heidi “discovered” what went down, she asked Spencer, “Do you just not think of anyone but yourself?” Umm, Hello Heids. Are you just now realizing this? Why do we watch these people again? Anyway, Holly returned from what was probably a 20-minute trip to Starbucks and made nice with Heidi, who somehow managed to blame her. I think Holly needs to step up as older sis and tell Heidi what time it is, though that might mean jeopardizing her final five minutes.

So, am I being too harsh? Was last night’s episode better than I thought? How long do you think that Holly was actually missing? Will Audrina and Lauren stay friends? Do you think Kelly and I could ever be friends? What did you think of Whitney’s outfit for Lady GaGa? And remember, kids, in the words of Justin Bobby, don’t let anyone make you feel all ulcery inside.