Dallas recap: The Family That Blackmails Together...

There was an awful lot of talking in this episode and not nearly enough sex. Let’s work on that ratio, Dallas.

We opened with John Ross and Pamela returning from their honeymoon. Yes, they had sex in the limo on their way to Southfork (poor driver). But not before John Ross talked about the drilling site and assured Pamela that he was close to signing the deal with Emma to lease the Ryland Transportation ice breaker ships. It seems now that the wedding Pamela was so busy letting Sue Ellen and Ann plan planning has passed, she’s ready to get back to work.

At the Southfork site, someone had dropped his tools down the well and broke a bit. Or something. I tend to gloss over the oil talk. Bottom line: John Ross behaved like an ass, telling the men to work themselves ragged while he offered to pop for a coffee truck, put on his shades, smirked at Bobby in the distance, and jumped back into his limo.

Sue Ellen, meanwhile, was in Austin bringing Governor Steven Weber some J.R. Ewing bourbon (we get it!) and trying to blackmail him into replacing his deep-pocketed buddy Stanley on the Texas Railroad Commission with someone who would revoke John Ross’ drilling license on Southfork. He wouldn’t do it, but somehow, Sue Ellen told Bobby the trip was a success and he took the bait. She wanted to let the governor know Stanley was in a vulnerable position and in need of help.

In Mexico, Nicolas and Elena visited Cliff, who seemed concerned that Nicolas kinda sucks at being a bastard. No, he’s good, Cliff. In the barn at Southfork, Christopher caught up with Heather, and they decided neither of them is up for anything serious, so they were okay to have drinks that night. At the office, John Ross introduced Bobby to some hideous statue he’d brought home from his honeymoon and had yet another fight with Sue Ellen about how he’s not his father. I really do want to kick John Ross square in the nuts for thinking Pamela will never find out about him boning Emma, which he told Sue Ellen he was done doing.

Once John Ross argued with Christopher about the latest ranch hands he’d laid off, he went to see Emma. God, he’s sooo see-through, giving her a necklace before asking her to get her grandmother to sign the leases for the ships. Ann saw John Ross leaving Emma’s room and marched in so Emma could say hateful things to her. Then Ann kicked Emma off of Southfork.

Nicolas and Elena hooked up with a state attorney who J.R. had bullied into dropping the bribery case his office was building against Sue Ellen. They asked him to give them access to J.R.’s murder file in exchange for getting the credit when it’s time to bring the Ewings down.

Ann called Harris and told him Emma was loose and she couldn’t find her. To his credit, Harris didn’t make Ann feel guilty about giving her the boot — because he knows how dreadful Emma is these days, I assume. He called his hot CIA contact and met him to ask to get out of his dealings with the cartel. CIA boy had a lot of dialogue that amounted to, “No.” Harris has records of the guy’s secret offshore bank accounts where he stashes money from his illegal black ops. If the guy won’t let Harris out, the least he can do is use some of his own money to get Harris’ family more protection. Hell, have this hot guy start dating Emma, Harris. If he paid her more attention than John Ross, sold. Nice of Harris to just blackmail a guy in a restaurant booth between two other booths. Soundproof apparently!

NEXT PAGE: Unexpected kid and expected blackmail

Cliff called Pamela and told her that he didn’t kill J.R. She’s tired of watching John Ross flirt with his secretary, so perhaps she’ll start considering he’s telling the truth. Not that we’d know since she wasn’t seen again in the episode. Meanwhile, Christopher and Heather were at the bar having that drink when she got an emergency text and admitted she has a kid.

Bobby and Sue Ellen had rushed off to Austin because Stanley was meeting with the governor to discuss how the governor could help him silence John Ross from telling everyone that he likes to have sex with female prostitutes dressed in dog costumes — well done, Steven Weber, for keeping a straight face. In exchange, Stanley’s family would fund his 2016 presidential campaign by funneling the money through the accounting firm “just like last time.” For a second, I wondered if they’d poisoned that bourbon we were getting a close-up of, but no. “A bug in a bourbon cork. I think J.R. would see the humor in that,” Bobby said. Nice. “The family that blackmails together, stays together,” Sue Ellen said. They got the governor on conspiracy and illegal campaign contributions.

Surprise! Heather’s kid is with her ex-husband, the a–hole rancher Bo. He needed to drop the boy off so he could work late for John Ross. Christopher and Bo had words, then Christopher played (fake?) Transformers with Heather’s kid, so you know things are getting serious there.

Emma met her pissed off grandmother at a bar and offered Judith part of what Harris had on her — ledgers and a client list for her brothel side business — if she were to sign the lease giving Ewing Global those ships. Grandma said her girls have power over the men they’re with, unlike whores like Emma who give something for nothing. “John Ross degrades you. If you think that’s love, then you are a worthless creature,” Judith said. It was tough love, really. She begged Emma not to let John Ross manipulate her.

I love that the show is embracing Judith’s boot and cane. Harris had to smile at the sound of them at 3 a.m.. “The witching hour,” he said. “I would turn you into a newt if I could,” she quipped. She told him about Emma’s leverage and encouraged him to get John Ross’ secretary to make him drop his pants already so they could split John Ross and Emma up. Judith also wants Emma to come back home to piss off Ann.

NEXT PAGE: Just keep scheming

While Elena felt guilty working for a man like Cliff, Nicolas told her he was a means to an end for her family. Looking at J.R.’s autopsy photos, they noticed an incision on his chest. So they’ll find out about his cancer?

Emma told John Ross she wants a piece of the arctic play, and he had to have sex with her again because she hadn’t given him the documents yet. He told her she’d have to get back into the ranch because he doesn’t want to stop seeing her. Let the boning commence.

Cliff called Elena and Nicolas back to Mexico, and he told them that Pamela really did believe he’d killed J.R. So if they could convince her that the Ewings framed him, she’d help them get their justice. Tricky.

Emma took John Ross’ necklace off and told Ann that she broke up with him. That was all it took for Ann to let her stay. Oh, Ann. You are so easily manipulated. She went out to meet Harris at the gate and told him that Emma said she and John Ross were over — and that she doesn’t necessarily believe Emma because she’s lied about so much. Good, Ann. But wait! Is Harris being nice to Ann as part of a plan or because he’s realized that his mother is a worse influence on Emma? He told Ann he had been going to try to talk Emma into coming home with him, but he thinks she’s better off with Ann, who’s a better parent. Huh.

Just as John Ross got his contracts for the ships, Sue Ellen played her recording for the Governor and texted John Ross to turn on the TV. Stanley was resigning. Who was taking his place until the fall election? BOBBY!

The good news: John Ross slammed the door in his secretary’s face after seeing that. The bad news: He left his mother a voicemail referring to her as another enemy, and she took out her flask after listening to it. When Bobby got back to the office, John Ross was waiting to confront him and Christopher. In short, Bobby will always protect Southfork, and Christopher thinks John Ross is even worse than J.R.; John Ross thinks that means he’ll be able to win against whatever roadblocks Bobby sets.

Bobby looked worried, and he should be.