Buckwild recap: Lingerie Dinner

The gang was just hanging out at the local cafe: Tyler and Shain and Ashley and Salwa. Tyler and Shain ate with their mouths open. Salwa parked her breasts on the table. A curious opportunity was coming to Sissonville, West Virginia. There would be a Riding of the Bulls. “I’ve always dreamed of riding the bulls,” said Ashley. “You should just stick to ridin’ cowboys,” said Shain. If there were any justice in this cruel world, Big and Rich would have punched through the wall at that moment, and the whole cast of Buckwild would have joined them in an hourlong rendition of “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).”

So the activity for the week was decided: Everyone would ride the bull. Naturally, this led Cara, Katie, and Tyler on a horse-riding expedition, for this is exactly the sort of average thing that typical young people do in their spare time. Tyler checked out Katie’s butt, and Katie checked out Tyler’s butt, and Cara rode a stallion with all the subtle grace of a turtle on roller skates. “I thought it was gonna be just you and me, not Cara,” said Tyler. “Ravish me,” begged Katie. “Nah,” responded Tyler.

Meanwhile, back at the Girls’ House, Shae had a suggestion to the universe. “Let’s fill my air mattress with water,” she said. “It will be just like a water-bed.” But lo, the age-old question: How to get water into the air-mattress? “We could wait for it to rain and catch the rain in a bathtub!” suggested Anna. But everyone agreed that would take too long. Instead, they threw the air-mattress into the creek, and watched the creek carry it away. When that failed, they held the mattress under a window, and Ashley threw water onto Shae and Anna’s faces. “This isn’t working for some reason,” concluded Shae. It was the best Tuesday ever.

The boys rigged up a fake bull in order to practice for the big bull day. The fake bull was really just a blue barrel rigged up like a tetherball, which is still more impressive than anything you’ve ever built in your life, probably, except for that Eagle Scout project — which, let’s be honest, your uncle mostly built for you while you played Goldeneye with your friends. Twenty dollars was offered to whoever could stay on the longest. Predictably, Salwa won. If there is one thing clear about Buckwild, it’s that Salwa is perfect at anything. And yet, not in the opening credits. Possibly because she has a boyfriend, Najee, and seems devoted to him to such an extent that she probably won’t hook up with Joey or Tyler, therefore making her a bad reality-show character but a good human being.

The day of the Great Bull-Riding was here! They split up, Boys vs. Girls; whoever won had to cook dinner for the other team, in their underwear. Shain threatened to wear a man-thong. He lasted a few seconds. The bull threw him off, and rammed its horns straight into Shain’s head, and he laughed and laughed. Joey lasted a little longer. Najee lasted a full 7 seconds, proving that — like Salwa — he is pretty much perfect at everything. The bull flipped Ashley end over end; Katie backed out, and Tyler told her, “I’d hate to see somethin’ happen to your pretty face”; Cara was thrown after less than a second. So the girls served the men supper in expensive-looking lingerie, therefore further confusing the whole universe of Buckwild. (It almost seems like MTV found average middle-class kids, then told their costume designer, “Make them look middle-class, but like middle-class characters on a ’90s NBC sitcom about New York City. You know, Friends.”)

NEXT: Joey and Shae’s big date

Flash-forward a couple weeks. Shae and Joey have been hooking up. One morning in bed, Shae asks the question all women have to ask eventually: “So, what are we?” Joey opened his mouth to respond, shouted “Look, over there!” and jumped out the open window. No, actually, he said, “Ah’m tired,” and pretended to be asleep — an effective way to avoid conflict.

Meanwhile, Shain had his own girl problems. And by “girl problems,” I mean “truck problems.” See, his truck had a minor accident, involving Shain racing it over the river and through the woods. It was the eleventh truck he lost this year, or maybe the twelfth, or maybe all trucks are just the same truck, when you get right down to it. Anyhow, he took the truck to the crushin’ lot and let his boy Joey crush it up Skyfall-style. Shain offered a quick eulogy for his truck: “Well Ranger, you’ve been fun. Few threesomes, DUI, few mud hoes, a snorkel. Y’did good.” (I have no clue if he was being serious and no clue if he was just free-associating. I might have misheard him. A snorkel?)

It’s worth pointing out that, during the eulogy, Shain was wearing a shirt that said “Gandee Candy.” Did he have that shirt before it was his catchphrase? Did he wear that shirt to his MTV interview? Did Shain emerge fully-formed as a reality TV character, or is this learned behavior, or at this point are we all just reality TV stars awaiting the moment when MTV or Bravo or A&E finally makes a show about our hyper-specific subculture? And if so, when will they finally make a reality show about French-Canadian Wiccan Jazz Musicians?

Anyhow, the girls convinced Joey to take Shae out to dinner. He pouted and stomped his feet and said, “Ugh, girls!” Then someone pointed out that Shae is about a 10 and Joey is about a 7, with maybe a bit of grade inflation for his naturally flowing hair. So Joey invited Shae out to dinner. He washed his truck, and then found a mudpit and covered his truck in mud. This got the date off to a smashing start. Somehow they wound up at a lake, where Shae suggested they go skinny-dipping. Then, as Joey was racing to the water, she got in the truck and locked him out. She didn’t drive away, though she would have been within her rights.

That could have been the end of it. But then they got home. “A little birdie told me your fantasy,” said Shae, who re-emerged from her bedroom wearing a Naughty Schoolgirl Outfit and carrying a naughty school whip. None of this made any sense: Not the crazy amount of costuming (Glasses?) required to pull off the costume, not Shae deciding to give Joey this gift after a mediocre date, not Shae deciding to do it WHILE ASHLEY WAS WATCHING. They went into Shae’s room and turned on the black light, illuminating a neon-painted message: “Sex Aquarium.” That didn’t make sense either, but I see serious spin-off potential.

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