'Pretty Little Liars' react: All we have are buttons

Hi! Let’s take a sunnier approach to this week’s edition of “no answers, mo’ problems” as we journey on through the murkier and murkier waters of Rosewood’s biggest mysteries. As for all of our complaints:

“You guys are about as quiet as a monster truck rally, now shut up!” It’s PLL day! Hanna’s house doesn’t have space for homeless Emily (but has Spencer considered how giant her own house is?) – and Emily’s not the only one locked out. “BUTTONS!” I shouted as Ezra tried to get into his classroom. Not because that’s a nickname I’ve given him, but because his shirt had at least 5,000 buttons on it. Poor guy is distracted – he forgot that shirt was really ugly.

It’s always surprising to remember that Aria is a photographer. So much is made of Emily’s swimming and Spencer’s brilliance (and Hanna’s … shopping?) that I forget that Aria is artistic. But now she’s taking headshots of her boyfriend, and action shots of his karate skills. Swoon? No, I just can’t pretend he is appealing at all.

Wren, on the other hand, is very swoon-worthy. But does he have a secret? (Of course.) Will we find out what it is? (Not in this lifetime.)

The end bit last week showed the black-gloved figure playing the piece that Toby found today with a message – “Forget the lamb. Go for the lion.” Anyone else just think “Twilight?” OMG, Edward Cullen plays the piano! He has a sister called Alice! A! Okay, obviously not. But at this point, I’d accept it. What’s Toby going to do with sheet music?

Poor Mrs. D. I know people who are good friends with the mothers of their pals – but that’s not really the case in PLL Land. None of the Liars’ moms seem to be the “cool mom” or surrogate mother for the pack – they’re all decently friendly to each other, but each girl is attached solely to her own mum. I cannot imagine how awkward it would be for me to go stay at the home of a friend whose mom I only knew in the company of my buddy, without said buddy acting as a buffer. Throw in the little detail that the reason your amigo isn’t present is because she is, you know, a victim of a grisly murder, and things get extra hairy. Does Ali’s mom just want to help? Or is she too creepy to be trusted? (Yes.)

“Jenna shows up in a lake looking like soggy bread, and now you want to go ring the bell jar?” Caleb is articulate when angry, isn’t he? He is also right. Why won’t anyone tell their parents or the police about A?

Celebrate! Ezra doesn’t have a baby after all! Bye, Jake! (Or bye Ezra, because without a tie to the Liars, why is he in the show?) Unfortunately, Caleb and Hanna might also be saying goodbye soon – they are disagreeing a lot. Although they ended their encounter in the street with a kiss, Wren seemed to have other plans for the couple. “If I hadn’t made such a mess of things, you were once going to be my family.” Oh don’t remind us, Wren.

Was it just me or did Ezra look a bit out of control during his “you have five smiles” speech about his son? I really feel bad for the guy. He is kind of left with nothing now. Except buttons. He has so. Many. Buttons. Maybe he should share his buttons with Mrs. DiLaurentis (just the buttons, guys – that is not a euphemism), because she is also losing everything. A divorce on the horizon, she has turned her house into a museum of her old life.

But we finally have a motive for CeCe – the frat party that got her kicked out of college was an event she is certain was orchestrated by Ali and her four other “she-devil” friends. If someone got you removed from the rosters of your university would you take to wearing a red coat and creating misery, mayhem and mortuary visits for them at every turn? I’m just saying – it’s a little extreme. However, the image in the mirror of the blonde girl in the red coat with the mask – combined with the eerie music box soundtrack – is the creepiest we’ve been treated to on PLL for weeks. Three cheers for Red Coat!

Oh hey, Aria, your hot soulmate who likes all the same things as you and has helped you through the wackiest teenagerhood of all time is calling – but also, your goofball KARATE INSTRUCTOR man is waiting for you. Yeah, maybe I yelled “answer the phone” like ten or 12 times.

Using Dr. Palmer’s illness as a sort of mystery-solving, clue-generating mind game seems all wrong to me. Exploiting a man who doesn’t know how to orient himself in place and time is terrible, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Not to mention, why would you take anything that a mentally unstable man said as law? He mentions Mrs. D – and perhaps it is a big ah-hah moment, but it just feels so evil, the way Toby and Spencer have been manipulating Dr. Palmer’s mind.

Actually, a lot of unhealthy stuff has been going on in the way of making light of mental illness – like CeCe checking into Radley and pretending to be suicidal. Ali and CeCe’s idea of a great prank – and scared Mrs. D nearly to death. She forbade her daughter from spending time with her toxic friend, but obviously that just drove her to like her more (she’s a defiant teenage girl).

So Wren is bad news, and coloring the coat on the girl red is supposed to indicate what – that he’s on the A team? Telling the authorities that Mona was coerced into confession by Mrs. Hastings is a pretty nasty thing to do – and he definitely has some history with Mona herself. And okay there are holes in the ceiling of the creepy lair someone’s been living in down in the DiLaurentis’ basement. Strange, but telling? Of course: no answers, mo’ problems.