'Gossip Girl' recap: OMFG

To borrow an acronym from the show, OMFG. If you didn’t catch last night’s revelatory episode of Gossip Girl, do yourself a favor and stop reading this and run, don’t walk, to your DVR.

But first things first. As a New Yorker, I was delighted by all of the clever references to the local society. B. name-dropped Vanity Fair editor-in-chief Graydon Carter’s hangout, Waverly Inn, before tossing Manhattan’s famous-for-doing-nothing socialite Tinsley Mortimer’s name in the air and Page Six‘s noted rep for hairy gossip. Then came the scathing one-liners: “It’s hard to continue partying when someone drops the gay bomb,” sneered Hazel, once and for all cementing my dislike for the vertically-challenged freshman. “Do you really think that someone like me would date someone like you, Jenny from Brooklyn?” hissed the happy-go-lucky Asher at Jenny, doing a sudden 180 that was as capricious as B.’s mood swings. Asher then fashioned a Faustian bargain to continue their wretched façade: to dispel rumors of Asher’s gayness, spread the rumors around that little 15-year old Jenny, um, “spread her legs,” to quote Gossip Girl herself.

Also brilliant was the tongue-in-cheek reference to media speculationof Eric’s supposed stint as Gossip Girl: “I mean, people thought that Iwas Gossip Girl,” he said bewilderedly to Serena, who then laughed,”You have to admit, it made sense at the time.” Which, actually, it didn’t to us.

We then dove into a last (for now) feud between the constantlyscrappy Jenny and B., with the minions between them seeminglymultiplying. While I commented on Kati’s awkwardly-explained absenceafter the writer’s strike, it appears that I did so too soon: NewAsian-in-residence Nelly Yuki has officially joined the other minoritytwin to forge ahead as the silent legion. And since when did the nerdget to join the cool clique? Not only is it completely unrealistic, thepresence of Nelly Yuki and her thick frames detracts from the coolcrowd’s credibility. Perhaps they’re using her to copy her homework? AsB. so kindly pointed out in the last episode, each girl in the group ismeant to serve a purpose (except for Hazel of course).

Many of you commented in the last episode recap on your genuine dislike for Michelle Trachtenbergas antagonist Georgina Sparks, but I have to say again that I thinkthat her obnoxiousness plays perfectly into her character’s viciousmeanness. I don’t think she was overacting. In fact, her queasy,unpredictable behavior is exactly what scares the bejeezus out of theentire Van der Woodsen clan. A drastic comparison, perhaps, but likeJavier Bardem’s mass murderer in No Country for Old Men, sheappears to act without incentive or reason; no neatly-conciseexplanation exists for her continual torture of Serena. Just: “BecauseI can.” Her outing Eric at the dinner table? Because she can. Stealingaway Dan and Vanessa? Because she can. And she did.

Eric’s outing was pretty predictable, especially after Eric staredlongingly after Jenny and Asher in the Constance Billard courtyard.(And how typical was it for Jenny to mistake his concern as admirationfor her, dismissing it all with a flip and totally spot-on, “Text me,K?”). I do appreciate how Eric has become the voice of reason on theshow, however, rationally and clearly stating at Jenny’s UES bash: “Whywould I tell everyone I know that I’m gay if I’m not?” Good call.

But the biggest secret — that horrid, terrible secret that Serenahad been harboring over for the past 15 episodes — finally camesqueaking out at the thunderous end. There were already hints of itthrough this show and last week’s show, but with the gifted USB drivecontaining a video, I was dreading another sex tape scandal à la LaurenConrad in The Hills. “Really?” I moaned. “Please don’t let thisturn into a Lauren vs. Heidi East Coast edition — on the same night noless!” Turns I was dead (ha!) wrong. What was already an excellentepisode took an unexpected, morbid twist. “I killed someone,” S. criedwith genuine dread to a shocked B., the tears streaming down her facesmearing her makeup into a clownish frown. Even after the third time ofwatching the scene, a shiver snaked up my spine, and my heart did alittle jump. The Kubrick music pounding in the background, the completedread… it reminded me of the psycho-metal rock music playing atcompletely inappropriate times in Michael Haneke’s Funny Games,if you were one of the 200 people that watched the film. My take on thesituation? In a drunken misunderstanding, an intoxicated Serena pushesoff her assailant and accidentally kills him, all while Georginacreepily videotapes the incident from the sidelines.

Well done. There are things that I missed in this recap, of course,but I want to get your feedback on the episode, PopWatchers. Who elsewas unexpectedly scared out of their minds by S.’s shameful secret? Whoelse thought that the best line of the show was, hands-down,”Now youknow how Vanessa Hudgens feels.” How do you think producers handledEric’s coming-out? I thought Lily’s “I’m scared” speech was delicately,and honestly, delivered. And who wanted the outed cast member to beChuck? My prediction is that there are still several cast members tocome out of the closet, and that this is only the beginning — andcertainly, if clips from next week’s episode indicate anything, thebeginning of the end for Serena and Dan (Blake Lively and Penn Badgley,pictured).